Prime Minister David: When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love.

Prime Minister David: Love, actually, is all around.

Billy Mack: This is shit, ins't it?
Joe: Yup. Solid gold shit, mistrow.

Karen: There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?
girl: Duh.

Collin: Try my lovely nuts.

Collin: I'm Collin, God of Sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.

Mikey, DJ interviewer: Best shag you've ever had?
Billy Mack: Britney Spears. No, only kidding, she was rubbish.

Collin: Exciting news.
Friend: What?
Collin: I bought a ticket to the States. I'm off in three weeks.
Friend: No.
Collin: Yes! To a fantastic place called... Wisconsin.

Collin: State side, I'm Prince William without the weird family.

Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just mom or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? or is it, something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?
Sam: You really want to know?
Daniel: I really want to know.
Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?
Daniel: Even if that's the case.
Sam: OK. Well, the truth is actually... I'm in love.
Daniel: Sorry?
Sam: I know I should be thinking about mom all the time and I am, but the truth is I'm in love. I was before she died. There is nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: *Laughs* Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: *properly chastised* Oh, OK, right. I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, because I - I thought it might be something worse. *incredulous*
Sam: Worse then the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Um...*thinks* No, you're right. Total agony.

Jamie: Alone again, naturally.

Natalie: He said no one's going to fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.
David: Um... You know, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.

Billy: All right, kids. Here's an important message from your uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star and they give you them for free.

Aurelia: *in Portuguese* This stuff better be good.
Jamie: It's not worth it. It's not bloody Shakespeare.
Aurelia: *in Portuguese* I don't want to drown saving some shit my grandmother could have written.
Jamie: Just stop, stop.
Aurelia: *in Portuguese* What kind of idiot doesn't make copies?
Jamie: I really must do copies. You know, there better not be eels in here. I can't stand eels.
Aurelia: *in Portuguese* Try not to disturb the eels.

Jamie: It's my favorite time of day, driving you.
Aurelia: *in Portuguese* It is the saddest part of my day, leaving you.

Juliet: We've never got friendly, but I just wanted to say I hope that can change. I'm nice, I really am, apart from my terrible taste in pie. And it would be great if we could be friends.

Judy to Jack: All I want for Christmas is you.

Mark: With any luck by next year.
Mark: I'll be going out with one of these girls.
*pictures of beautiful supermodels*
Mark: But for now, let me say
Mark: Without hope or agenda
Mark: Just because it's Christmas
Mark: (And at Christmas you tell the truth)
Mark: To me, you are perfect
Mark: And my wasted heart will love you
Mark: Until you look like this
*picture of mummy*
Mark: Merry Christmas

Friend: Where did you two meet?
Jack: Um...
Judy: Um...
Jack: Um...