Marketing guy: The monkeybone packback. If they're going to Europe, flip it around, hide your passport...

Stu: Burger God - aren't they the ones that found the rat gut in the french fries?
Herb: No. No, no they found a pig gut, which is different because it's partically pork.

Stu: I got the ring, Herb.
Herb: The what?
Stu: The ring.
Herb: What ring?
Stu: That ring.
Herb: No.

Stu to Julie: Do you see this door? The cool thing is that you open it, you go out, it closes and you can't get back in.

Statues: We welcome you to downtown and while you're in your coma/this cheap and cheerful clown town will be your home-sweet-home-a.

Monkeybone: I'm reporting to my union.
Stu: What union?!
Monkeybone: The sidekicks union.

Stu: Sorry Kitty. I'll be right back, after I choke my monkey!

Stu: Hey, he got an exit pass. Where's mine? When do I get to go home?
Monkeybone: Let's not disturb the reaper.
Reaper: Sorry mate, off duty.

Death: Last days of Pompeii. Watch. *pulls the switch and the volcano erupts*
Death's Assistant: Nice eruption.

Death's Assistant: Fire in the hole! *death's head about to explode*
Monkeybone: Who's hole?

Stephen King: You gotta movie fast or you'll strave. Here have some popcorn. They feed us the slops from the Morpheum theatre. You hope for Milky Way, you settle for Skittles. I'm Steve. Steve King.
Stu: Stephen King, what are you doing here?

Stephen King: How about that night light I asked for?
Poe: King, you pu**y. *laughs*
King: Bite me, Poe.

Hypnos: You may be a free man during the day, but when you dream, your monkey ass is mine. *to monkeybone in stu's body*

Monkeybone to Julie: *in Stu's body* You're giving me the stink eye right now.

Stu: Well, did you all have sidekicks, figments, Monkeys?
Poe: Raven.
Stephen: Mine was a dog. Man's best friend. Phh. I went through hell to get that exit pass and who got to use it? CuJo.

Stu: That doesn't matter right now. The woman that I love is living with a horny little monkey that looks like me.
Kitty: What a lucky girl.

Herb: Here's another thing, the National History Museum is kicking off a fundraising campaign and they want to know if you'll appear to benefit it.
Monkeybone: Oh, I get it. We give the public the impression that we're doing something charitable. Brillant.
Herb: Yes.

Monkeybone: So I thought what the hell. I'm a big celebrity now. I can get all the chicks I want, why get married? On the other hand if you are married, no more stink eye. Plus they can't testify against you.
Herb: Testify against what?

Stu: What about the guard?
Kitty: Don't worry. I'll take care of that rat.

Death: What kind of idiot sneaks into the land of death twice?
Death's assistant: One that likes a good streching?

Stu: I look like an idiot. *sees himself as moneybone in the paper*

Lady: Oh my God, we've got a flasher.
Sleep institute lady: Isn't that Herb?
Julie: Must be some publicity stunt.

Herb: Clothes have turned evil.

Doctor: We don't need invitations. We've got diplomas.

Julie: It looks so...new.
Stu: Well that's because it is new!
Julie: But the heirloom - your grandmother's ring--
Stu: What?? You want a used ring?!

Stu: Doc, don't do it! He isn't Stu, he's Moneybone!

Julie: What's wrong?
Stu: I'm crying too. I just don't have any tears. I'm all dried up.

Monkeybone: I was tired of being a figment. It's tired, menial work. It's kind of like being a pool boy, but even pool boy's have their own bodies.

Stu: Did you sleep with my girl?
Monkeybone: Sleep with her? We did the whole Kama Sutra twice.
Stu: Oh, yeah? Well, where is her birth mark?

Monkeybone: Where'd you get the body?
Stu: It's a loner.

Stu: *takes an organ out* Here have another, I'm dead.

Monkeybone: Hey Stu, I got an idea. Joint custody. I get the body on the weekends...
Stu: No!

Monkeybone: My body! Where's my body?
Stu: You mean my body?
Monkeybone: *realizes they're dead again* Oh crap.

Road kill: Hundred bucks on the monkey. A hundred bucks.

Bull: *death comes up* closing time.

Death: I do like to dress up when I come downtown. So how was she?
Stu: She...she was beautiful. Of course I was decomposing at the time...

Death: You know Stu, I don't want to hurt your feelings. But without him, you're a tad vanilla. So I don't want to send you back without him.
Stu: Back?

Herb: For the love of God people. Take off your clothes.