Kid on Bus: What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?
Napoleon Dynamite: Whatever I feel like I wanna do, gosh!

Napoleon: Hey can I use your guys's phone for a sec?
Secretary No. 1: Is there anything wrong?
Napoleon: I don't feel very good. *dials home*
Kip: Hi.
Napoleon: Is grandma there?
Kip: No, she's getting her hair done.
Napoleon: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Kip: What do you need?
Napoleon: Can you just go get her for me?
Kip: I'm really busy right now.
Napoleon: Just tell her to come get me.
Kip: Why?
Napoleon: Cause I don't feel good!
Kip: Well, have you talked to the school nurse?
Napoleon: No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me?
Kip: No.
Napoleon: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my chapstick?
Kip: No, Napoleon.
Napoleon: But my lips hurt real bad!
Kip: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has like five sticks in her drawer.
Napoleon: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko!
Kip: See ya.
Napoleon: Ugh! Idiot!

Napoleon: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

Grandma: How was school?
Napoleon: The worst day of my life, what do you think?

Kip: So when's grandma coming back?
Uncle Rico: I don't know. Not sure.
Napoleon: You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies.
Uncle Rico: Ha ha! Talk to your antie Carolyn.
Napoleon: Kip is like 32 years old.
Kip: I don't mind if you stay.

Napoleon: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.
Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.
Uncle Rico: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.
Napoleon: You guys are retarded!

Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.

Deb: What are you drawing?
Napoleon: A liger.
Deb: What's a liger?
Napoleon: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.

Napoleon: My old girlfriend from Oklahoma was gonna fly out for the dance but she couldn't cause she's doing some modeling right now.
Pedro: Is she hot?
Napoleon: See for yourself. *hands him Deb's glamor shot sample*
Pedro: Wow.
Napoleon: Yeah, I took her to the mall to get some glamor shots for her birthday one year.
Pedro: I like her bangs.
Napoleon: Yeah, me too.

Napoleon: Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Uncle Rico: She didn't tell me anything.
Napoleon: Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.
Uncle Rico: I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
Napoleon: Get off my property!
Uncle Rico: It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
Napoleon: Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.
Uncle: Well then do it! Go on!
Napoleon: Maybe I will, GOSH!