Malik: I'm just supposed to stay in the background, not enter the conversation, and say things like "Damn!", "Shit!" and "That is wack!"

Jake: No, not Janey Briggs! She's got glasses! And a ponytail! And she's wearing paint-covered overalls! Ugh!

Catherine: I want to sleep with you.
Jake: You're my sister!
Catherine: Only by blood.
Jake: What's with this family?

Priscilla: You put the "suck" in "liposuction" You put the "ooo" in "jiu-jitsu" You put the "ism" in "This is all just a defense mechanism".

Reggie Ray: Coach says it's okay to bleed from the ears.

Mr. Briggs: Hey, uh, I might be late to pick you guys up.
Janey: Why, do you have a job interview today, Daddy?
Mr. Briggs: No honey, I'll probably just be way to drunk.
Janey: That's good, we don't want you drinking and driving.
Mr. Briggs: Oh, I'll be driving. I'll just be too shit-faced to remember to pick you guys up.

Richard Vernon: Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns.

Janey: I knew it. That's a line from "She's All That". I masturbate to that movie.
Jake: Do you mind?
Airline Clerk: Not at all, I think masturbation is very healthy.

Priscilla: This is not a cheer-ocracy, I am the cheer-tator, I will make the cheer-isions around here, and I will deal with the cheer-onsequences!

Teen at prom: Who would've guessed that everyone in school was a professional dancer?

Austin: All I said was: "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear so that Jake here thinks I'm telling you a secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."

Janey: I remember it like it was yesterday, Christmas 1989, Dad had just gotten fired from the Zippo factory, Mom was still pulling in tricks to make ends meet, Daniel Day Lewis won an Oscar for "My Left Foot", and all I wanted was one of those little Betsy Wetsy dolls.
Jake: I remember those. Push her belly and she'd piss all over herself.
Janey: She said she was going out to get my Dad a bottle of gin, but, I knew she was going to get me that present. It was raining really hard that night, the roads were... slippery.
Jake: Janey... a car accident.
Janey: No. Cancer.

Catherine: Can I ask you a question? Why is it then whenever I tell a guy to put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass?
Jake: Please that's way too much information!
Catherine: Oh no Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that whenever they're done I always have to take a huge dump.