David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? and you can tell who other gay people are.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.

David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says "I love it when balls are in my face".
Cal: That's gay?
David: *looses the match* Goddamnit!
Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and now I'm throwing it at your body. Fuck you!
David: Aww.

Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend.
Andy: Yeah?
Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
Andy: Yeah.
Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse!
Andy: Wow, that's something.

Mooj to Jay: Tell me something, when your child is born, is he already on parole?

Andy: Well, if you loved her so much, why did you cheat on her?
Jay: *sobbing violently* Because! Duh! I'm insecure! Can't you tell?

Beth: Can I help you?
Andy: Do I need help?
Beth: Ummm... is there something you are looking for?
Andy: Is there something I should be looking for?
Beth: We have an extensive do-it-yourself section.
Andy: Do you like to... do it yourself?

Andy: Is this shirt too yellow?
Cal: No. Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life?

Andy to Beth: I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.

Andy: Einstein rode a bike!
Trish: He also had a wife! Whom he fucked!