Marti: Nice pajamas, Henry.

Marti: Why don't you just pour battery acid down your throat?
Henry: No caffeine.

Marti: You don't really appreciate bladder control until it's gone.

Bernie: You know what every columnist this paper needs to do? Shut the fuck up.

Henry: When did you become so paranoid?
McDougal: When they started plotting against me.

Phil: Oh, Bernie, cut it out with the smoke. You know the doctor found nicotine in my urine again?
Bernie: Then stop stickin' your dick in my ashtray.

Alicia: Ugh, the guy smashes his train, and then steps over bodies to go have a few beers?
Henry: What do you do after you step over bodies?
Alicia: I have a cigarette and go to sleep.

Lady: Henry, this might interest you.
Henry: What's that?
Lady: The mother whate in the Ukraine had triplets.
Henry: She told me she was on the pill!

Bernie: To burn a hole in my ass? Sounds good.

McDougal: *fires his gun into the stack of papers* Let Marti talk to her husband, please.

Marti: God, I've missed this place.

Reporter: What's up his ass?
Henry: Bagel.

Henry: Oh yeah? Well guess fuckin' what? I don't really fuckin' care. You wanna know fuckin' why? Because I don't live in the fuckin' world, I live in New York City! So go fuck yourself.

Suspected kid: Don't talk.
Other suspected kid: Yeah, what am I suppose to do?
Suspected kid: Stay awake.

McDougal: Henry, why do you have me doing all this grunt work? I'm a columnist!
Henry: You're not a columnist. You're a reporter who writes long.

The cop: These kids, they didn't do it.

Henry: Stop the Presses!

Sandusky: You made my wife cry when she read the paper.
McDougal: At least she bought it, didn't she.

Alicia: A bullet came out of the wall. Why did a bullet come out of the wall?
McDougal: To get to the other side?

Doctor: *Alicia trying to call work* Lady your shot. That's going to have to wait.

Alicia: I will sign the concent forms, after you get me his God damn phone!