Zed:Gene, Gene, made a machine, And, Joe, Joe, made it go. Art, Art, blew a fart, And, blew the whole damn thing apart.

Commandant Lassard: I want to welcome all of you to the academy. You are part of a new and exciting program, that I call, I call...
Zed: Cop.
Commandant Lassard: Cop!
Zed: Citizensonpatrol.
Commandant Lassard: Citizensonpatrol.
Zed: Citizens On Patrol!
Commandant Lassard: Citizens On Patrol!

Zed: Cadets, I'd now like to discuss something that'll be vital for you to know when you, like, out there, on the job, as a police officer. And, that's the correct way on how to eat a doughnut.

Arnie: Look, Kyle, I got a boat load of stuff to do. I got a term paper due tomorrow, and a history test. I gotta help my father clean the cellar. And, I have to do the dishes tonight. What are you doing?
Kyle: I'm gonna get the guys and hang out at the mall.
Arnie: Let's go.

Harris: Don't touch those! Don't you ever touch my balls without asking.