Chris: Do you mind if I name my first child after you? "Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring to it.

Chris: Moles and trolls, moles and trolls, work, work, work, work, work. We never see the light of day. We plan this thing for weeks and all they want to do is study. I'm disgusted. I'm sorry but it's not like me, I'm depressed. There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races and we had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?

Dr. Hathaway: When you first started at Pacific Tech you were well on your way to becoming another Einstein and then you know what happened?
Chris: I got a haircut?

Jordan: I never sleep, I don't know why. I had a roommate and I drove her nuts, I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything. But she's okay now, but she had to transfer to an easier school, but I don't know if that had anything to do with being my fault. But listen, if you ever need to talk or you need help studying just let me know, 'cause I'm just a couple doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?

Chris: Gee, Kent, and we were going to make you King of the Winter Carnival!
Kent: Really?

Dr. Hathaway: Mitch, there's something you need to know. Compared to you, most people have the IQ of a carrot.

Chris: Look at it this way. Considering the type of people you are and the environment you're in, this may be the only chance you ever have in your entire lives to have sex!

Dr. Hathaway: Bodie, I noticed you stopped stuttering.
Bodie: I've been giving myself shock treatments.
Dr. Hathaway: Up the voltage.

Chris: First, you have to get back at Kent, it's a moral imperative.

Chris: You didn't touch anything, did you?
Mitch: No.
Chris: Good. Because all of my filth is arranged in alphabetical order. This, for instance, is under 'H' for "toy.
Mitch: What is it?
Chris: It's a penis stretcher. Do you want to try it?
Mitch: No.
Chris: I'm just kidding. It's yet another in a long series of attempts to avoid responsibility.

Professor Hathaway: I want to see more of you around the lab. Chris: Fine. I'll gain weight.

Chris: Would you prepared if gravity reversed itself? The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets. I've got it! Nudity!

Dr. Dodd: Why is that toy on your head?
Chris: Because if I wear it any place else, it chafes.

Chris: Kent put his name on his license plate.
Mitch: My mother does that to my underwear.
Chris: Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?

(In the men's room.)
Jordan: Are you peeing?
Mitch: Uh, I can't start.
Jordan: Because I'm here?
Mitch: I think so.
Jordan: Weird. Well I have to go.
Mitch: Me too.

Dr. Meredith: A bit of advice...
Mitch: Oh, uh, thank you...
Dr. Meredith: Always...no, no...never...forget to check your references.
Mitch: Uh...ok...thank you. I'd better be going. (leaves)
Dr. Meredith to his wife: I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down" verbally, don't you?

Old Lady: Tell me, what's Einstein really like?
Professor Hathaway: Dead.

Professor Hathaway: You still run?
Chris: Only when chased.

Chris: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.

(Mitch speaking through the microphone so that Kent hears voices in his head)
Mitch: And from now on, stop playing with yourself!
Kent: It is God!

Mitch: The weirdest thing just happened to me.
Chris: Was it a dream where you were standing in sort of sun-god robes on top of a pyramid, and there were hundreds of naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
Mitch: No...
Chris: Why, am I the only one who has that dream?

Chris: If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want... Well, that's where you're right. But - and I am only saying that because I care - there's a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing.

Professor Hathaway: What are you looking at? You're laborers; you should be laboring. That's what you get for not having an education.

Professor Hathaway: Mitch, will you miss your friends?
Mitch: Uh, no sir, I think I intimidated most of them.

Kent: You're all a bunch of degenerates!
Chris: Oh, really? Well, what about that time I found you naked with that bowl of jello?
Kent: You did not!
Chris: This is true.
Kent: Yeah, well I was hot and I was hungry!

Mitch: Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?
Chris: You've seen him too?
Mitch: Who is he?
Chris: Hollyfeld.
Mitch: Why does he keep going into our closet?
Chris: Why do you keep going into our closet?
Mitch: To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there!
Chris: Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him!
Mitch: Yeah...
Chris: Think before you ask these questions, Mitch! Twenty points higher than me? Thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes?

Chris: Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, when he said, "I drank what?"