(This is in the script, not the movie)
CD:*Hello? Fire Department...we start them, you put them out.*

Dixie: Do you want to talk about it?
C.D: You're too young.

C.D: Tough games eh ladies?
Old lady: We're just on our way there.

Mayor Deebs: We beat this fire by a nose.

C.D: Ten more seconds and I'm leaving!
Roxanne: What did you say?!
C.D: I said ten more seconds and I'm leaving. Wait a minute, what did you think I said?
Roxanne: I thought you said earn more sessions by sleeving.
C.D: What the hell does that mean?
Roxanne: I don't know, that's why I came out.

C.D: Alright. Alright, twenty something-betters. Uh, here goes. Uh, start with, uh, obvious: Excuse me, is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? Meteorlogical: Everybody take cover, she's going to BLOW! Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger - like Wyoming. Personal: Well, here we are, just the three of us. Punctual: Alright, Delmond your nose was on time, but you were fifteen minutes late! Envious: Ooooooh, I wish I was you! Gosh, to be able to smell your own ear! Naughty: Uh, pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away. Philosophical: You know, it's the size of a nose that's important, it's what's in it that matters! Humorous: Laugh, and the world laughs with you - sneeze and it's goodbye Seattle! Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Shive and I can paint that nose for $39.95! Polite: Uh, would mind not bobbing your head, the, uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo. Melodic: Everybody...
Everyone with C.D.: He's got the whole world, in his nose!
C.D: Sympathetic: Awww, what happened, did your parents lose a bet with God? Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides? Obscure: Whooof, I'd hate see the grindstone. (a few people laugh) Think about it. Inquiring: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave! Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once! (lots of cheers) How many is that?
Man: Fourteen, chief!
C.D: Alright, alright. Religious: The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn't he? (crowd shouts out how many he has after each next one) Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose-hair? Uhhh2paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine! Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up and smell the coffee - in Brazil. Appreciative: Oooooh, how original! Most people just have their teeth capped! Alright, uh...... (crowd shouts encouragement) Alright. Dirty: (leaning towards the original heckler) Your name wouldn't be DICK, would it?

C.D.: I really admire your shoes.
Drunk #1: What?
C.D.: I love your shoes.
Drunk #1: What do ya mean?
C.D.: And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be *in* your shoes at this particular time and place.

Roxanne: Nobody had a coat?
C.D.: You said you didn't want a coat...
Roxanne: Why would I not want a coat?
C.D.: You said you didn't want a coat...
Roxanne: I was being ironic.
C.D.: Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don't get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a, a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about, uh, '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was getting tired of being stared at.

C.D.: I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream - and I hope you don't find this too crazy - is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, "Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!" That would be bad.

Dixie: Want anything? A drink?
C.D. Bales: Yeah, but if I ask for another one, give it to me.