Hilary Faye: Mary, turn away from Satan. Jesus, he loves you.
Mary: You don't know the first thing about love.
Hilary Faye: *throws a Bible at Mary* I am filled with Christ's love!
Mary: This is not a weapon, you idiot.

Mary: *about Mary* I know this is wrong, but do you ever wonder if she just made the whole thing up? I mean, it's a pretty good one. It's not like anyone can ever use virgin birth as an excuse again. I don't really think she made it up, but I can understand why a girl would.

Roland: Are you alright?
Hilary Faye: No! I crashed my van into Jesus, okay? I have a pimple the size of Jupiter and... this is not how I wanted to remember my Prom. This isn't how I wanted to remember my life.
Roland: Well maybe we can fix it... with glue, or something.

Paramedic: Only one person can ride.
Dean: I'm the father!
Patrick: I'm the boyfriend!
Mitch: *points to Dean* I'm HIS boyfriend!

Cassandra: What's the only reason a Christian girl comes downtown to the Planned Parenthood clinic?
Roland: To plant a pipe bomb?
Cassandra: Okay, two reasons.

Veronica: Roland is so blessed to have such a thoughtful sister. You know, in countries like China, Hilary Faye would probably have been killed at birth.
Hilary Faye: And then where would you be, Roland?
Roland: China.

Pastor Skip: I was wondering if you could help me out with Mary.
Tia: You mean, like, shoot her?
Pastor Skip: No, I was thinking of something a little less gangsta.