Frank: *about the ads* Oh my god, does that suck.

Office worker: Children love an acrobat.

Frank: It's a crock James. It's for kids.

James: You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?
Frank: Yeah, you get to treat 'em bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough 'em up!

Censor lady: Quite frankly, you can see her nipples.
Frank Cross: I WANT to see her nipples!
Lady Censor: But this is a Christmas show!
Frank: Well, Charles Dickens would want to see her nipples then!
Stagehands: You can hardly see the nipples.
Frank Cross: See? And these guys are really looking!

Frank: No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol! Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl!

Frank: Come on Lou, you paid for the women.

Props man: I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.
Frank Cross: Did you try staples?

Frank: Same old Claire. Still trying to save the world.
Claire: You still trying to run it?

Ghost of Christmas Past: I know everything Frank. You see I'm the Ghost.

Ghost of Christmas Past: Where are we? You mean when are we?

Frank: I never liked a girl well enough to give her 12 sharp knives.

Ghost of Christmas Past: Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.
Frank Cross: Yeah? Name one!

Ghost of Christmas Past: You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you. You don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on.

Frank: What's going on?
Ghost of Christmas Past: How am I suppose to know. I'm only the ghost.

Frank: Scrap them off. If you want to save somebody, save yourself.

Frank: Bah humbug.

Frank: Why did you do that?
Ghost of Christmas present: Sometimes you have to slap them in the face just to get their attention.

Ghost of Christmas present: Sometimes the truth is painful.

Elliot: Ever since then I've been bling... stinking... drrruuunnkkkk. *gun goes off*