Shrek: *reading a book in the outhouse* Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had a fate bestowed upon her that could only be broken by true love's first kiss. She was locked in the highest room in the tallest tower, and was guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many knights tried to rescue her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. So she sat in her tower and waited for true love, and true love's first kiss. *tears out a page and laughs* Like that's ever gonna happen. *flushes toilet and comes out*

Shrek: *whispers to the mob* This is the part where you run away.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet! I'm a real boy! *nose grows*
Captain of Guards: Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away!

Donkey: You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!

Donkey: Wow, that was really scary and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS!

Donkey: Whoa! Look at that! Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be my home.
Donkey: Oh and it is LOVELY! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.

Donkey: You, uh...you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: Y'know, me too! That's another thing we have in common! I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence]...Can I stay with you? Please?
Shrek: Of course!
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: NO!
Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak....well maybe you do!

Shrek: Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Donkey: That's what I like about you, Shrek. Only true friend wouldn't be that truly honest.

Donkey: This'll be fun. We'll stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm making waffles!
Lord Farquaad: Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man: You're a monster!

Lord Farquaad: Tell me where are the others!
Gingerbread Man: Eat me! *spits*

Gingerbread Man: Alright! Do you know...the muffin man?
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?
Gingerbread Man: The muffin man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man: She's married to the muffin man--
Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?!?
Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!!!

Lord Farquaad: Evening, mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, you're not a king!

Puppets at the Information Center: Welcome to Duloc / Such a perfect town / Here we have some rules / Let us lay them down / Don't make waves / Stay in line / And we'll get along fine / Duloc is a perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes / Wipe your...FACE! / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect...place!
Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!

Lord Farquaad: Some of you may die, but its a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Lord Farquaad: What's that? It's hideous.
Shrek: Well, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

Shrek: Ogres are like onions.
Donkey: What, 'cause they stink?
Shrek: Yes, No...
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Shrek: No...!
Donkey: Oh, you mean if you leave them out they get brown and start growing little white hairs?

Donkey: Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that! My mouth was open and everything!
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. That's brimstone...we must be getting close
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone! I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone and it didn't come off no stone neither.

Shrek: Sure it's big enough......but look at the location!

Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey: No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge, over a BOILING LAKE OF LAVA!

Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: How do you know that?
Shrek: I read it in a book once.

Donkey: Oh, what large teeth you have! I mean white sparkly teeth, I know you probably hear this all the time from your food but you must bleach or something, 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there and do I detect a hint of minty freshness?

Princess Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?!
Shrek: It's on my "to do" list. Now come on!
Princess Fiona: But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying--that's what all the other knights did.
Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flame!

Princess Fiona: What kind of knight are you?
Shrek: One of a kind.

Donkey: Hi, princess!
Princess Fiona: It talks!
Shrek: Yeah, but it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

Donkey: Alright, I hope you heard that? She called me a "noble steed." She thinks I'm a steed.

Princess Fiona: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek: Uh, no.
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: I have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek: No, no, you wouldn't-- .
Princess Fiona: But-- how will you kiss me?
Shrek: What? That wasn't in the job description!

Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now.

Donkey: Are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's Gabby the loud and annoying.
Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now, the big shiny one right there, right, right, that one there? What about that big white one?
Shrek: That's the moon.

Donkey: *shrek burps* Shrek!
Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.
Donkey: But that's no way to behave in front of a princess. *Fiona burps*
Princess Fiona: Thanks.
Donkey: She's as nasty as you are!

Princess Fiona: Well, when one lives alone, one has to learns these things in case there's... THERE'S AN ARROW IN YOUR BUTT!
Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that!

Donkey: Don't die, Shrek! And if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!

Donkey: Blue flowers, red thorns. Blue flowers, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind!

Donkey: Oh man! I can't feel my toes. *looks down* I don't have any toes! *sits down* I think I need a hug.

Princess Fiona: By night one way, by day another.

Donkey: You love this woman don't ya?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: Do you wanna hold her?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: Please her?
Shrek: Yes!
Donkey: Then ya gotta gotta try a little TENDERNESS!!!!!!!

Lord Farquad: Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?

Donkey: I've got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it!