Prince Charming: Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land everyone was happy, until the sun went down, and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother, who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep, for he was the bravest, and most handsome in all the land, and it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her- gasp!
Wolf: What?
Prince Charming: Princess... Fiona?
Wolf: NO!
Prince Charming: Oh, thank heavens! Where is she?
Wolf: She's on her honeymoon.
Prince Charming: Honeymoon? With whom?

Donkey: Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. *Puss-in-Boots hisses*

Puss-in-Boots: Pray for mercy from Puss... in boots.

Donkey: I don't feel any different. Do I look any different?
Puss-in-Boots: You still look like an ass to me!

Puss-in-Boots: I must hold on before I too go mad.
Pinocchio: Shrek? Donkey?
Puss-in-Boots: Too late.

Donkey: Just lie and say that you're wearing lady's underwear.
Pinocchio: Um, Ok. I'm wearing ladies underwear. *nose doesn't extend*
Shrek: Are you wearing ladies underwear?
Pinocchio: I most certainly am not. *nose extends*
Shrek: Yeah you are.
Pinocchio: No I'm not. *nose extends*
Shrek: What kind are you wearing?
Gingerbread Man: IT'S A THONG!

Gingerbread Man: It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!

Princess Fiona: Is that glitter on your lips?
Prince Charming: Yes, cherry flavored. Want a taste?

Donkey: Don't I have the right to remain silent?
Shrek: Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack, is the capacity.

Queen: So, you live in a swamp? That sounds like a fine place to raise the children.
Shrek: It's a little early to be thinking about that, isn't it?
King: Indeed! I had just started eating.

Princess Fiona: *looks over to see Puss-in-Boots licking himself* Shrek?
Puss-in-Boots: *turns around* For you, Baby, I could be.

Donkey: I mean, how good looking could this Prince Charming guy be anyway?
The Ugly Stepsister: Are you kiddin'? He's gorgeous! His face looks like it was carved by angels.
Puss-in-Boots: Hmmm... he sounds dreamy.