The Geek: Would you guys please hurry up, I'm breaking like 20 major laws right now.

Girl: What's your last name?
Long Duk Dong: Dong.
Girl: What's your first name?
Long Duk Dong: Long.
Girl: What's your middle name?
Long Duk Dong: Duk.

The Geek: Where am I?
Caroline: I'll tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
The Geek: I'm Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You're in the parking lot across from my church.
The Geek: You own a church?

Mike: She's got her period. Should be an interesting honeymoon, eh?
Dad: Where do you kids learn all this stuff?
Mike: School.
Dad: Good, I'm getting my money's worth.

Jenny: I love Rudy, and he is totally enamored of me. I mean, other men have loved me, but not for six whole months in a row.

Randy: Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion!

Mom: Can you remember to turn off the stove in twenty minutes?
Samantha: I can remember lots of things.

Grandma Helen: Oh Sam, let me take a look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies!
Grandpa Fred: I better get my magnifying glass! Ha Ha Ha.
Grandma Helen: Oh, and they are so PERKY!
Samantha: I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up!

[Caroline is very drunk.]
Caroline: Who's he?
Jake: That's me.
Caroline: Who are you?
Jake: I'm him.
Caroline: Oh, ok.

Geek: This information cannot leave this room. Ok? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.
Samantha: No problem.
Geek: I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud.

Geek: Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no.

Samantha: It's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit.

Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile.
Samantha: Go to hell.
Geek: VERY hostile!

Samantha: I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.

Geek: How's it going?
Samantha: How's what going?
Geek: You know - things, life, what not.
Samantha: Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.

Geek: By night's end, I predict me and her will interface.

Geek: So, what's your story? I mean, you got a guy, or...?
Samantha: Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass!

Samantha: When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right?
Randy: That's a cheerful thought.

Samantha: This is Farmer Fred.
Geek: Ted.
Samantha: Oh, I'm sorry, Farmer Ted.
Geek: I'm not really a farmer. I'm a freshman.

Dad: That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else.

Dad: Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.
Samantha: Mike thinks I'm a dork.
Dad: Mike is a dork.

Samantha: I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek!

Jake: I can get a piece of ass any time I want. Shit, I got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
Geek: What are you waiting for!?

Geek: I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

Long Duk Dong: No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food.

Geek: Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?

Geek: Nice manners, babe.

Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?
Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me.
Randy: [laughs] Ok.
Geek: Shoot.
Randy: Get the hell outta here!

Geek: Just answer me one question.
Samantha: Yes, you're a total fag.
Geek: Ha ha ha. That's not the question.

Samantha: Thanks for getting my undies back.
Jake: Thanks for coming over.
Samantha: Thanks for coming to get me.
Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
Samantha: It already came true.

Dad: Where's my briefcase?
Mike: Where'd you leave it?
Mom: Don't be a smart ass.
Mike: Fine, I'll be a dumbass.

Jenny: Unbelievable. You make somone your bridesmaid and they shit all over you.

Girl: You know I never been out with a boy before.
Dong: Oh me neither.