Lori: Great family reunion. We should take out some pictures.

Celeste: Why are you here?
Jeffery: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are you here?
Celeste: I'll tell you why I'm here, oh I'll tell you why I'm here. I'm here because I...
Jeffery: Go on, go on! Say it!
Celeste: I...
Jeffery: I want you Jeffery. I'm consumed with jealously for my niece! I want you.
Celeste: Oh please.
Jeffery: You still have feelings for me, admit it!
Celeste: My feelings are about you not for you. There's a very big difference.
Jeffery: No, you're ashamed of them but you still have the feelings. You realize what a terrible mistake it was throwing me out of your life a hundred and ten years ago.
Celeste: Look at you, you're exactly the same even for an actor. You're a egomaniac.
Jeffery: Of course I'm an egomaniac. I'v got America's sweetheart climbing up my drain pipe.

Celeste: David! David!! David, David, David, David, David!
David: Hey, great scene with Bolt.
Celeste: I realize I'm not a young woman; however...
David: What do you mean, you're not...
Celeste: ...could you PLEASE point out to our new costume designer... whose name I don't quite have yet...
Tawny: Tawny Miller, Miss Talbert.
Celeste: How do you do. --that I don't feel quite right in a turban. What I feel like is GLORIA FUCKING SWANSON! What am I, 70, David, am I 70? Why don't you just put me in a walker? Buy a goddamn walker and put me in it!
David: *to Tawny* You're fired.
Tawny: Oh God.
David: I'm just kidding. *in the PA system* Attention: no turbans for Miss Talbert!

Celeste: Gloria Swanson is dead, do you understand? I don't mean dead in a sense, I mean actually dead! I am 42 years old; I don't want to be dressed like a dead woman!

David: I was under orders.
Celeste: So -- was -- Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.
David: Himmler.
Celeste: No, no, no.
David: Hess.
Rose: Eichmann.
David: Eichmann!

Celeste: Next time, could you wear a swimsuit underneath the towel? It's a little early in the day for me. *walks off of the set*
Blair/Bolt: I can't act in a swimsuit.
Tawny: I know...

Lori: Celeste, I want to act!
Celeste: Don't say that, "I want to act", ever, please!

Betsy: Very, very good, Mark. And very true. I love what you're doing. I just, I think if we could try it one more time, and this time... I don't know... maybe try one without your shirt.
Mark: Sure. *removes his shirt and looks at the script* "Will you be having wine with dinner?"
Betsy: I think we've found our waiter!

Lori: Hi. Uh, I'm Lori Craven, and... I'm an actress.
Betsy: An actress! Really, how nice for you! I'm Betsy Faye Sharon, and I'm a bitch. Now get out of here.

Edwards: I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap". Peppy and cheap.

Rose: Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range.

Betsy: She came in yesterday. I don't know who the hell she is. Her name is Naven, Maven, Slaven... Claven... there's no agent.
David: Find her.
Betsy: Well, what if she can't act?
Burton: That never stopped us before!
Betsy: *David snaps his fingers* What?
David: *snap, snap, snap, snap, snap* We make her mute!
Burton: What?
David: If she doesn't speak, we don't have to pay her as much. A homeless deaf-mute: what could be more pathetic? God, I'm good.