Dark Helmet: I don't see Planet Druida. Where is it?"
Colonel Sandurz: Well, we don't have offical contact yet sir, but we have it on radar sir. Should I punch it up for you.
Dark Helmet: Never mind I'll do it myself.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good sir. {they walk over to the radar}
Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's all that turning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No sir. We call it Mr. Coffee. Care for some?
Dark Helmet: Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes i do sir
Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that?
Crew: {covering their crotch} Of course we do sir!
Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz: {moves over} Right here sir!
Dark Helmet: Switch to teleview. There it is, Planet Druida and underneath the air shield 10000 years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield.
Colonel Sandurz: We will sir. Once we kidnap the Princess we can force her father King Roland to give us the combination to the air shield thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
Dark Helmet: {looking at the audience} Everybody got that?{back to Sandurz} Good.

Priest: Dearly beloved we are here together on this most joyous occasion to witness Princess Vespa daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp, and out the door.

Barf and Lone Starr: Pizza the Hut!
Pizza: Well, if it isn't Lone Starr and his sidekick Puke.
Barf: That's Barf.
Pizza: Barf, puke, whatever. Where's my money?

Spceballs is firing lasers at Vespa and Dot. Dark Helmet told the gunner careful, he turned around. The guy is crossed eyed.
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major: I did sir. He's my cousin."{crossed eyed too}
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner mate, first class Philip Asshole.
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship?
Crew: YO!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes.{puts face mask down} Keep firing assholes.

The radar is screwing up. The tech is confused. Screen goes blank. Calls up Colonel and Dark. They come over.
Tech: I'm having trouble with the radar sir.{Talking in microphone}
Colonel Sandurz: You don't need that Private, we're right here. Now what is it?
Tech: I'm having trouble with the radar sir.{talking like the microphone}
Dark Helmet:{Pulls the microphone off the hook} Now what is it?
Tech: I'm having trouble with the radar sir.
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
Tech: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Tech: You know the bleeps,{makes noise} the sweeps, {makes noise} and the creeps{makes noise}
Dark Helmet: That's not all he lost.
Tech: Sir, the radar sir. It appears to be jammed.
Dark Helmet: Jammed...raspeberry.{puts down face mask} There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry. Lone Starr. {camera hits him. He falls}

Vespa: What was that?
Dot:{knock} Never mind that. What was that?
Barf: {moon roof opens}Hi.
Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf
Dot: Not in here Mr. this is a Mercedes.
Barf: No that's my name. Barf
Vespa: Barf? What are you?
Barf: I'm a mog. Half man half dog. I'm my own best friend.

Lone Starr: Ah oh. Here comes the bad year blimp.

Dark Helmet: What have I done my brains are going into my feet.{The ship passes over Lone and Barf} We passed them stop this thing.
Colonel Sandurz:We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We've got to slow down first.
Dark Helmet: Bullshit. Just stop this thing. I order you stttoooppp!{they stop. Dark hits control panel}
Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right sir?
Dark Helmet: {helmet dented. glasses broke} Fine. How have you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Fine sir.
Dark Helmet: Good.
Colonel Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet sir.
Dark Helmet: Yeah?
Colonel Sandurz: What should we do know sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stoped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Why don't we take a five minute break.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em. {falls down}

Lone Starr: On this ship you are to refer to me as idiot not you captain. I mean...you know what I mean.

Dark Helmet and Colonel are with a tech trying to find Lone Starr, Barf, Vespa, and Dot. Colonel suggests a video. Dark Helmet: How can we get the cassette of Spaceballs the movie? We're still in the middle of making it.
Colonel Sandurz; That's true sir, but there has been a new break through in video home marketing.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes. In stant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
Dark Helmet: Nah!
Tech: Here it is sir. Spaceballs.
Colonel Sandurz: Much to early. Prepare to fast-forward.
Tech: Preparing to fast-forward.
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward.
Tech: Fast-forwarding sir.
The screen on the radar is showing Dark Helmet hitting the control panel.
Dark Helmet: No no past this part. Go past this part. In fact never play this again.
Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.{screen shows them}
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now sir. Everything that is happening now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Tech: Sir.
Dark Helmet: What?
Tech: I've located their position.
Colonel Sandurz: Where?
Tech: It's the moon of Vega.
Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set the course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: When?
Tech: 1900 hours sir.
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: Whoooooo!!{face mask falls}

Yogurt: Merchandising.
Barf: Merchandising. What's that?
Yogurt: Merchandising. Come I'll show ya. Open up this door. Ah hahaha. Come walk this way. Take a look. We put the pictures name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs the t-shirt, Spaceballs the coloring book, Spaceballs the lunch box, Spaceballs the breakfast cereal, Spaceballs the flame thrower. The kids love this one. Last but not least. Spaceballs the doll. Me. 'May the swartz be with you.' Adorable.

Captain: Spectacular stunt my friends, but all for not. Turn around please. Ha what a pity. What a pity. So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of... you idiots! These are not hem. You've captured their stunt doubles. Search the area. Find them. Find them!!

Dark Helmet: Not so fast Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: Helmet. So at last we meet for the first time for the last time.{thinks about it} Yeah.
Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you must know about us Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your fathers, brothers, newphews, cousins former roommate.
Lone Starr: What does that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing. Which is what you're about to become. Prepare to die.

Bridge Red Lights
Skroob: What's going on? Where the hell are we Paris?

Skroob: Sandurz Sandurz you've got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make desisions. I 'm the President.

Priest: Thank you. To join Princess Vespa and Princess Valuim. Sorry it's the hair.

Priest: I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today. Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name?
Barf: Barfolomew
Priest: Are you the one getting married?
Barf: NO.
Priest: Then get over there. Here we go. The short-short version. Do you?

Ape 1: Dear me what are those things coming out of her nose?
Ape 2: Spaceballs.
Ape 1: Oh shit there goes the planet.