Detective: A heinous crime has been committed here. If you should decide your testimony might jeopardize your personal safety...
Lisa: Look, Sipowicz, I said I'd tell you everything. I was just hoping we could finish this up before menopause kicks in.

Diane: Morning sunshine. Remember, these are the best days of your life. So far.

Lisa: Now the squad is a whole. They're closer than Carolina cousins.

Lisa: The truth is they're all close, they all get their monthly visit from Aunt Rose, the same time.

The squad: Cheerleaders kick... *they tap their butts*

Diane: Now nobody ever got ahead by sitting on their behind.

Lisa: Their cheer blew like a bulimic after a Christmas dinner.

Kansas: Hannah, in order to get real answers from the netherland you got to have a christian virgin run the board. Your kind is pure of heart. The devil won't dick with you.

Hannah: Technically I don't think I'm a virgin anymore. This past summer at church camp I think I had my first orgasm.
Kansas: Any sentence that starts with church camp aint leading to the big O.
Cleo: That's not true Kansas. Jesus all sweaty and bare-chested on the cross always made me kinda hot.
Diane: I want to hear.
Hannah: Okay, so one night I want out horseback riding with the nuns--they went every night and we're trotting pretty hard you know. And suddenly I feel totally alive.

Lisa: They were like freaking Barbie and Ken, but without the pink controlled corvette.

Lucy: You just became a statistic.
Kansas: Oh my God. I'm not the first.

Jack: If you could be Count Chocula or Trix the rabbit, who would you be?
Diane: Trix.
Jack: Me too!

Lucy: Oh my God. You've been robbed.
Diane: Nope, I've been pregnant.

Cleo: Yeah can you imagine Conan's head on Keanu's body? Unstoppable.

Mrs. Hill: You look nothing like your picture.
Kansas: Grandma and Grandpa sent you a picture of a neighbor girl. They didn't want you to break out and come kidnap me.

Kansas: My best friend got pregnant.
Mrs. Hill: Before you? Woohoo.
Kansas: Yeah, I know. That's what I said too.

Mrs. Hill: So you need my help? Oh my God. This is like you asking me for help with your homework.

Mrs. Hill: Kansas, I want you meet someone special. *Mink comes up*
Kansas: Jesus Christ, mom. If my life ain't a big pile of shit cause you're in here, now I got to add PS, my mom is a dyke too.
Mrs. Hill: Shut up, you mouthly little shit.
Kansas: Don't mouthly little shit me. I'm outta here.
Mrs. Hill: Hey wait! Sit down. Now I'm sorry. Mama's a little overemped. Didn't get her yard time this morning. Mink ain't my bitch, if that's what you think. She's a specialist...in banks.

Hannah: Who made up the one question a week rule anyway?
Kansas: It's the bible. So just shut the hell up.

Hannah: Be careful, have fun. Ski masks are so done. Wear these masks to fight the power and never bend over in the shower.

Hannah: Oh no! I'm going to be someone's bald bitch!