Guy: You call that a knife? This is a knife.
Bart: That's not a knife. That's a spoon.
Guy: All right. All right. You win. I see you've played knife and spoony before.
Homer: Hey give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about.
Bartender: Something wrong yank?
Homer: Oh it's pretty big. I guess.
Marge: I'll just have a cup of Coffee.
Bartender: Beer it is.
Marge: No I said coffee.
Marge: Beer.
Marge: Cof-fee.
Bartender: Be-er.
Marge: C-O
Baretender: B-E

Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer go something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do.

Homer: Bart this is your father. Do you know where the remote is? I've looked all over the house.
Bart: Did you check your pocket?!
Homer: It was...it was in my pocket.

Marge: Holy Christmas.

Homer: I can explain Marge, please let me explain. Why won't you let me explain?

Banner: What are you waiting for, somebody to kiss you goodbye?
Homer: Well...no. No.

Wiggum: Sounds like you have a plan.
Homer: Maybe I do chief, maybe I do.

Bart: Oh look another gutter ball. Gee Homer you do suck tonight.
Homer: Yeah, such like a fox.

Bart: Well, I'll be a son of a witch.

Homer: That's it. You people been in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college.
Bart: I don't think anybody expected him to say that.

Bart: Hey is that dad?
Lisa: Either that or Batman is really letting himself go.

Homer: Ha ha! Look at this country! U-R-GUAY! HA HA!

Homer: I admit it! The record club! The first eight were only a penny...then they jacked up the price!

Banner: You're out there somewhere beer baron and I will find you.
Homer: No you won't.
Banner: Yes I will.
Homer: Won't.

Homer: Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Bart: If you get lost, remember you can always find east looking directly at the sun.

Kid: All right what's 2+2?
Bart: Five.
Kid: Ah story checks out.

Homer: It's just a little dirty! It's still good, it's still good.
(Pig hits side of the bridge and falls into river)
Homer: It's just a little slimy! It's still good, it's still good!
(Pig flows into dam where it gets lodged in drain hole and then flys)
Homer: It's just a little airbourne! It's still good, it's still good.
Bart: Dad, face it. It's gone.
Homer: oow, I know.

Homer: Doughnut?
Lisa: Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple stuff, purple's a fruit.

Homer: Apu you can take this job and restaff it.

Homer: Oh the internet is on computers now.

Homer: Wow someone packed light.
Lisa: Maybe you're just getting stronger.
Homer: Well, I have been eating more.

Homer: Everything looks bad if you remember it.

Homer: Sweet merciful carp! My car!

Homer: Jump Free Willy! Jump Free Willy! Jump with all your might!
Charcters: Oh no! Willy didn't make it...and he's crushed our boy!
Homer: Ahh, I don't like this new director's cut.

Amish guy: Tis a fine barn to be sure, but tis no pool.
Homer: D'OH.

Homer: Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a Q-TIP.

Grandpa: Oh bitch bitch bitch

Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Homer: Rock stars, is there anything they don't know?

Scully: All right Homer, I want you to tell us everything that happened the night you saw the alien.
Homer: Well, the night started at the gentlemen's club where we were discussing Witzchenstein over a game of Backgammon.
Scully: Homer, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard, there ya happy.

Homer: Ahh, finally a little quiet time to read some of my old favorites. Honey roasted peanuts. Ingredients: Salt, Artifical honey roasting agents, fresh peanut sweepings...mmmmm.
Marge: Homer, I have to go out and pick up something for dinner.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Money's to tight for steak.
Homer: Steak?
Marge: Yeah sure...steak.

Homer: Lisa could you please pass me the syrup.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I will only pass it to him if he isn't going to use it on any meat products.
Bart: You gonna dunk that sausage in the sauce, homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart that I just want to drink a glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Homer, you can tell him yourself, it's Lisa you're not talking to, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out to me.

Homer: It takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Homer: Marge, you being the cop makes you the man, which makes me the woman, and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear...which as we discussed was strictly a comfort thing.

Homer: You don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there putting his ass on the line, and I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. Cause when you reach over and stick a hand in a pile of goo that was your friends face, you'll know what to do. Forget it Marge, it's China town!

Homer: (feeling under the couch) eeeewwww pointy, uh slimy, ah oh moving. Ah ha! (pulls out $20) aww $20 I wanted aa peanut.
Homer's brain: $20 can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how?
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: He he. (running and slips on a peanut. $20 flys out window.)

Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt, and I 'ate im. I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barking, so I gave him to tha church.
Bart: Oh I see, you hate him so you gave him to the church?
Willy: Aye, and I also 'ate the mess he left on the rug...ya heard me.

Ralph: I found a moon rock in my nose!
Bart: Houston, we have a booger.

Bart: What's everyones problem? I'm glad we're stranded, it'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell as kings!

Lady: Lookin' for a good time sailor?
Bart: I certainly am!
Marge: No you're not! He's really not!

Bart: Joe Banks...82 years young has come to this pond every day for the past 17 years, to feed the ducks. But last month, Joe made a discovery...the ducks...were gone! Some say the sucks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think, that joe used to sit down there, near those ducks. But it could be, that there is just no room in this modern world, for an old man...and...his ducks.

Bart: The exports in Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn, or as the indians call it, maize. Another famous indian was crazy horse. In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrast. Thankyou.

Lisa: Can I ask you about your dot?
Apu's Mother: What would you like to know?
Lisa: What's the deal with that dot?
Bart: Yeah, can you see out of it? Does it change color when you're ticked off?
Apu's Mother: You tell me.

Milhouse: If you put dog doo on the suction caps, they'll stick better.
Bart: Milhouse, I'm not gonna take dog doo that's been on the dirty ground and put it on my face!

Bart: Ooooooaaaaahhhh, my ovaries!

Bart: The police master key? Oh Ralph, do you realize what we can do with...ughohhh, get me a towel.

Bart: My dad has a trillion dollars? Wow, I could buy and sell your sorry ass! I'll give you a billion dollars to empty the cat box for me.

Milhouse: It's the monster!
Bart: No it's not, it's my tummy, I mean stomach...gut...crap factory!

Bart: Hey dad, they've got our flag guarded pretty good.
Homer: I agree, lets surrender.
Bart: No, wait, I have a plan! But I'll need your underpants.
Homer: Hmmm, all right, but don't lose them...they're my only pair.

Bart: Wow, I wish I had an elephant!
Lisa: You did...his name was Stampy, you loved him.
Bart: Oh yeah.

Homer: Ah Wiggie, my Chili's getting cold.

(The day the real Seymour Skinner came back.)
Homer's brain: Keep looking shocked. I move slowly toward the cake.

Homer: Troy I got to know. What's a great guy like you want to marry a guy like Selma?

Homer: Dasher, Dancer... Prancer... Nixon, Comet, Cupid... Donna Dixon.

Bart: Ah, come on Dad, this can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us.

Bart: Hey Santa, what's shaking?
Homer: What's your name, Bart...ner? - er - little partner?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Bart: Well... you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

TV: We interupt this program with a special report.
Homer: Someone found my keys.

Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline, splilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach.
Lisa: Oh no!
Homer: It'll be okay, honey. There's a lot more oil where that came from.

Homer: Cat in Furnace.

Marge: And if anything happens, just use your best judg - just do what I would do.

Marge: I got rocks that need washing at home.

Belle: When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers.
Bart: Oh, the ol' greet 'n' toss. No problemo.

Homer: Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.

Bart: Looks like all my years of hard work has finally paid off.

Lisa: You're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love.

Marge: The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hog tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.

Homer: Hello, this is Mr... Sampson.
Receptionist: Did your wife just call a second ago?
Homer: No. I said Sampson, not Simpson.

Radio screener: First name, age, problem.
Marge: I'm Marge, thirty-four, and my problem is my husband. He doesn't listen to me. He doesn't appreciate me. I don't know how much more of this I can...
Radio screener: Hey lady! Save your whining for when you're on the air, okay?

Botz: Come, children. Let's go watch the Happy Little Elves.
Bart: Look, lady, we've seen the crappy little elves about fourteen billion times. Maybe we can watch some real TV.
Botz: I said we're gonna watch the tape.
Bart: Aw, that's merely suggested viewing matter, lady. Mom lets us watch whatever the hell we want.
Botz: I said, you're gonna watch this tape and you're gonna do what I say or I'm gonna do something to you and I don't know what that is because everybody has always done what I say!

Homer: Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all they good things tasty?

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart and Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Homer: (praying) Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. (brief pause) Thy bidding will be done.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
Homer: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.

Ned: Homer, I've got a fozzie of a bear of a problem. Y'know Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy land. They must've kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong God, because, well, they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort.
Homer: Militants, huh? Well, if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
Ned: Well, any hoodily-doodle, the embassy says it's just a routine hostage taking - but I have to drive to Capitol city, fill out some forms to get 'em out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
Homer: Uh, gee, I'd really love to help you, Flanders, but...uh, Marge was taken prisoner in the...Holy land and uh...
Lisa: I'll do it! I'll babysit!
Ned: Well, I don't know, Lisa. You're awfully young, and the boys can be a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately.
Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible, and my parents will be right next door!
Ned: Well, what do you say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit for my Kids?
Lisa: Please, please, please!
Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her.

Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?
Todd: Hell, no!
Maude: What did you say?
Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.
Ned: All right, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!
(Todd runs crying out of the room)
Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?
Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Ned:(seeing Rod and Todd praying) Knock that off, you two. It's time for church.
Todd: We're not going to church today.
Ned: (gasp) What! You give me one good reason.
Todd: It's Saturday.
Ned: Okelly-dokelly-do.

Ned: Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity.

Ned: Want me to zinc your sniffer?

Ned: Godspeed little doodle.

Ned: Replace teachers with super-intelligent cyborgs. Or if cyborgs aren't invented yet, use people from the neighbourhood.

Ned: OK, folks. Look, I called the police captain in Shelbyville and he says he hasn't seen our kids, but if they show up in the morgue he's gonna fax us.

Ned: Here's Jose Flanders!
Jose Flanders: Buenas ding-dong-diddily-dias, senor.
Ned: And this is Lord Thistlewick Flanders!
Lord Thistlewick Flanders: Charmed (Ned nudges him with his elbow. Lord Thistlewick looks reluctant, but relents) Eh, a-googily-doogily.

Ned: Ooh, I better take down the manger scene! If baby Jesus got loose he could really do some damage!

Calmdown, Neddily-diddily-diddily-diddily-diddily...they did their best...shoddily-iddily-iddily-diddily...gotta be nice hostility-ilitity-bility-dility..Aw, hell diddily-ding-dong crap! Can't you morons do anything right?
(The crowd gasps)
Marge: Ned, we meant well and everyone here tried their best!
Ned: Well my family and I can't live in good intentions, Marge! Oh, your family is out of control but we can't blame you because you've got gooood intentions!
Bart: Hey, back off, man!
Ned: Oh, Okay, duuude! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, maaan! Here's a catch-phrase you better learn for your adult years 'hey buddy, got a quarter?'
(crowd gasps again)
Bart: I am shocked and appaulled.

Homer: Five-alarm chilli, eh? (He tastes it.) One...two...hey, what's the big idea?
Ned: Oh, I admit it! It's only two-alarm, two-and-a-half, tops! I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids.
Todd: Daddy, are we going to jail?
Ned: We'll see, son. We'll see.

Todd: Don't blame yourself Daddy.
Rod: You did everything you could.

Ned: WHo are we?
Team: The Wildcats!
Ned: Who are we going to beat?
Team: The Wildcats!

Homer: You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops.
Wiggum: They are! Oh no! Have they set a date?

Hey Krusty, Krusty, you remember that time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine funiture store? Awww, memories.

No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby. Mmmmaaybee Texas.

Wiggum: Hey, did you trace the phone number?
Officer: Sure did, Chief.
Wiggum: 555...aw geez. That's gotta be phony.

SideShow Bob: But isn't our system of justice based on the idea that a man can change?
Wiggum:Uh...I'll have the boys check into that.

No, you got the wrong number. This is 91...2
Never underestimate the appeal of a man in a uniform. [buttons fly off and gut falls out] Aw yeah.
My asthma's gone! Just hear me breath!
Officer: There's a couple of guys fighting at the aquarium, Chief.
Wiggum: They still sell those frozen bananas?
Officer: I think so.
Chief: Let's roll.

Well, that settles that. There is no silver tongue, is there Bonesy? (moves mouth) Oh, I wish Chief. With that kinda dough, I could buy me some eyeballs. Ha ha ha. Well, that's the spirit Bonesy, why don't you sing a song for the nice people. Alright. Camptown ladies sing their song. Do da. Do da...

Professor Frink: Here is an ordinary square.
Chief: Wow, wow, slow down, egghead.

If anything goes wrong, just dial 911. Uh, unless it's an emergency.

Chief: Hey, hi, can I arrest any of you people for anything?
Homer: No.
Chief: Aw, geez, I don't have anything to do anymore. With Banner around, alcohol and crime are history in this town, and so am I.

Marge: Chief, you're getting powdered sugar all over my floor.
Chief: No I'm not. No I'm not. I'm ...um...dusting for prints.

Chief: Becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge. Some guy in training: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freekin guns?!

Chief: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name!

Principal Skinner: And, with a flute up his nose, Ralph Wiggum.
[fluting] Chief: That's some nice flutin', boy.

Hey, according to the charter, as Chief Constable, I'm supposed to get a pig every month.

Oh my God, it just disappeared. It's a ghost car!

Okay folks, show's over. Nothing to see here. Shows...OH MY GOD, A HORRIBLE PLANE CRASH! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! C'mon, crowd around, don't be shy, crowd around.

Dr. Hibbert: Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you? (points at the camera then we see he's pointing at Wiggum)
Chief: Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, you know, it's my job, right?

Huh, the left tail lights is a little smaller than the right one. Alright, pull'm over.

Don't snap my undies.

Lisa: Enjoy Bob Sagat!
Chief: Ha, it's Bob Seger! Aw, crap!

Marge: My husband is on a murderous rampage! Over!
Chief: Oh, well thank God that's over. I was afraid there for a second.

What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what...this better be about pizza.

Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover?
Miss Hoover: Yes, Ralph, what is it?
Ralph: My worm went in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have new one?
Miss Hoover: No, Ralph, there aren't anymore.

Miss Hoover: Just try to sleep while the other children are learning.
Ralph: Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!

Miss Hoover: Volunteers?..... thank you Lisa.
Ralph: No Miss Hoover, I'm Ralph.

Miss Hoover: I only need ONE volunteer Ralph!
Ralph: Miss Hoover? Which one is one?
Lisa: Ralph and I could do the report together.
Miss Hoover: It's your funeral.

Miss Hoover...I glued my head to my shoulder.

Ralph: Miss Hoover?
Miss Hoover: Yes, Ralph? Ralph: I don't have a red crayon.
Miss Hoover: Why not?
Ralph: I ate it.

Ralph: Leave me alone! I'm here to play George Washington.

Ralph: I think I wet my bed.

Ralph: I bent my Wookie.

Mrs. Krababel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Ralph: When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!

Ralph: I'm gonna eat chocolate til I barf!

Chalmers: Are these children as smart as they look?
Skinner: Well, let's pick one at random...ummmm how about that one?
Chalmers: You mean this boy here?
Skinner: Nooo! Lisa Simpson.
Chalmers: When was the Battle of New Orleans?
Lisa: January 8th, 1815. Two weeks after the war ended.
Chalmers: First rate.
Ralph: What's a battle?

Skinner: Oh now we're into the dregs...here's Ralph Wiggum's entry. Pre-packaged Star Wars characters still in their display box? Are those the Limited Edition Action Figures?
Ralph: What's a diaroma?

Ralph: I dressed myself

Ralph: (crying) That's enough! That's enough!

Ralph: Miss Hoover, there's a dog in the vent.

Ralph: Goodbye witches...thanks for not eating me.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, you hags are all right!

Nelson: Listen here daddy's boy...you cost us one more game and you're dead!!!
Bart: Ooofff!
Ralph: You're going to heaven!

Ralph: It's still funny, but not 'haha' funny.

Ralph: And when the doctor said I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life.
Miss Hoover: Thank you Ralph, very graphic.

Ralph: Me fail english? That's unpossible.

Lunchlady Doris: At last the world is safe. Eh fallout boy?
Ralph: What's for lunch tommorrow? next Chicken necks?

Ralph: Miss Hoover, the movie's over.
Lisa: Where's Miss Hoover?
Girl: Hey, her car is gone.
Ralph: Maybe she drove to the moon!

Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.

Ralph: I'm paddling backwards.