Pilot

Wes Mendell: It's not going to be a very good show tonight. *audience laughs* I think you should change the channel, change the channel right now or better yet turn off the TV. Now, I know it seems like this is supposed to be funny, but, uh, tomorrow you're gonna find out that it wasn't and by that time I'll have been fired. *audience laughs* No, this is not a sketch. This show used to be cutting edge political and social sketches, but it's gotten lobotomized by a candy ass broadcast network. Hellbent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience. We're about to do a sketch that everyone's seen like 500 times. No, no one's gonna confuse George Bush and George Plimpton, yeah we get it. We're all being lobotomized by this countries most influential industry. It just throws in the towel on any endeavor to do anything that doesn't involve the courting of 12 year old boys. Not even the smart 12 year olds, the stupid ones, the idiots of which there are plenty thanks to no small mention of this network. So why don't you just change the channel? Turn off the TV do it right now. (they cut to the control room, then back) The struggle between art and commerce. Well, there's always been a struggle between art and commerce and now I'm telling you art is getting it's ass kicked and it's making us mean and it's making us bitchy. It's making us cheap punks and that's not who we are! People are having contests to see how much they can be like Donald Trump. (cuts to the control room then back) We're eating worms for money. 'Who wants to screw my sister.' Guys are getting killed in a war that has theme music and a logo. Using both your hands as a crack pipe, oh yeah sure every once in a while we pretend to be appalled. (cuts to the control room then back) Pornographers! It's not even good pornography. It's just a side of snuff films and friends that's what's next because that's all there is left. And the two things that make them scared gutless of the FCC is and every psycho religious cult that gets positively horny at the mention of a boycott.

Cal: I'm running a live national broadcast here, can you threaten me later?

Jack: Wesley!
Wes: Yeah!
Jack: You're fired!
Wes: No kidding!

Jack: Is there something funny about this, Jordan?
Jordan: God, Jack, there's like seven things funny about this.

Jack: So, what are you suggesting?
Jordan: Let's talk in my office... *she walks out of the boardroom with a smile on her face. Her face suddenly drops as Jack Rudolph walks around the corner behind her* I don't know where my office is.

Danny: I have no reason to trust you and every reason not to.
Jordan: Why?
Danny: You work in television!

Matt: Where the hell did you go?
Danny: Sorry about that...
Matt: I said "He's never not been there for me," then there was a follow-spot on a basket of dinner rolls!

Matt: Are you people using the confidential information that Danny failed a drug test to force him into taking over Studio 60 to deflect attention from what happened on the air tonight?
Jack: He failed a drug test?
Jordan: Yeah, actually Matt, I was the only one who knew about that. Shoulda trusted me a little, Danny.
Matt to Danny: Sorry about that, that one was all me.
Danny: Yeah.
Matt: Ironically, I'm the one who's high as a paper kite right now. But legitimately. I had back surgery on Tuesday. L-5/S-1, if that means anything to you. Stop talking now? You bet.

Harriet: We didn't break up because of a Dodger game.
Matt: No we didn't.
Harriet: When you were promoting the movie, I was holding your hand every step of the way, but when I had a cd to promote in 52 markets in 15 days, you disappeared.
Matt: I didn't disappear.
Harriet: You got cold and you got mean.
Matt: Right after you went on the 700 Club, is that timing lost on you?
Harriet: It was an album of spiritual music. Those are the people who buy spiritual music.
Matt: I don't care if it was an album of the Three Wise Men covering the Doobie Brothers, you put on a dress and sang for a bigot.

The Cold Open

Matt: One of the things this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school.

Matt: *to the assembled staff writers* We're going to act, dress, talk, write and behave professionally!
*Harriet bursts into the room, yelling at Matt*
Harriet: You are an adolescent, over-sexed whoremonger with the sensitivity of a head of cabbage!
Matt: And all that will begin in just a few minutes!

Reporter: Jordan, can you describe the reaction of NBS executives Friday night when Wes described the network as "a candy-assed network" and "a greed-filled whorehouse of a network"?
Jordan: Pleased and proud, as you can imagine. *they laugh* Until we realized he wasn't talking about Fox, he was talking about us.

Harriet: I want my body to look like yours.
Jeannie: I want my talent to look like yours.

Harriet: I got a laugh at the table read when I asked for the butter in the dinner sketch. I didn't get it at the dress. What did I do wrong?
Matt: You asked for the laugh.
Harriet: What did I do at the table read?
Matt: You asked for the butter.

*about the clock*
Matt: Oh man...no wonder he went crazy. *continues to stare at it* How does it know?
Danny: How does it know what?
Matt: Exactly how much time was left in the week.
Danny: Yeah, it's a miracle of technology that we've developed an electric device that can count back from seven.
Matt: But it was off....
Danny: It uh..has a battery.
Matt: So it always knows....
Danny: Don't endow the thing with special powers, Matt, its a clock, ok? Come on.

The Focus Group

Danny: What? They were asked if it was patriotic or unpatriotic?
Ricky: Yeah.
Danny: It's a television show, it's not the Iwo Jima memorial.

Jordan: He wanted me to go to clubs with him.
Jack: What kind of clubs?
Jordan: Golf, tennis, wine tasting...
Jack: Hey! Jordan!
Jordan: The kind where you watch other people having sex! I was twenty-five. I married a slug.
Jack: So did my wife, but I don't make her go to Plato's Retreat.
Jordan: You make her go to the People's Choice Awards. That's not bad enough?

Matt: Tell me the truth. How important is audience retention tonight?
Danny: It's important, Matt, we can't lose more than ten percent. What do you think? The sponsors, the affiliates, the press, the right, our job, Jordan's job, everybody's job. It's important.
Matt: All right, lie to me next time.

Tom: *reading* "As a result of the controversy, the school superintendent has cancelled their planned spring production of The Crucible."
Simon: Why?
Tom: It casts Christians in a bad light.
Harriet: Yeah, Salem wasn't our finest hour.

Matt: Are people looking at us right now?
Danny: I think they are.
Matt: Well, could you punch me in the face or something, because to a casual observer this appears a little homoerotic for my comfort.
Danny: I definitely hear you on that. What should we do?
Matt: Get off me!
Danny: Alright, just play it cool.
Matt: Yeah.

Danny: Cal!
Cal: Yeah!
Danny: What the hell?!
Cal: Well, here's the story, Danny - last weekend's rainstorm loosened the soil and a 60 year old palm tree fell on a transformer line next to the studio.
Danny: Are they fixing it?
Cal: In a manner of speaking, yeah.
Danny: What does that mean?
Cal: They don't know how to fix it.
Danny: How much about this do I want to know?
Cal: As little as possible.
Danny: Okay.

Danny: They want to see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks like they're getting their wish. Throw it out.
Matt: It's four years ago, all over again.
Danny: What did you think it was going to be?
Matt: Four years later. And by the way, I'd be happy to take shots at Democrats, too, if only one of them would say or do something!

The West Coast Delay

Danny: Things happen around here. People blowing smoke out of their office windows at night?!
Jordan: Tell me no one is getting high in this building, Danny.
Danny: You're shocked that drugs are a part of late night comedy? The Coneheads, Toonces the driving cat? You think Belushi and Farley died of Lou Gehrig's disease?
Jordan: *sternly* Tell me it's not happening here.
Danny: *quickly* It's not happening here...

The Long Lead Story

Harriet: It's a beautiful instrument.
Martha: Sting? Or the lute?

Harriet: Well, everyone here's a big fan of yours Martha.
Martha: Really? How would I be referred to in your parents' house?
Harriet: The Devil's whore from Washington.
Martha: Yeah...I'm really the Devi's whore from Bethesda.

Tom to rehearsal audience: Danny Tripp has just gone upstairs to Matt Albie's office, where the two of them will very quickly decide what makes it into the show tonight. We call this "the Friday night slaughter." This is where you find out if you have the chance to be the next Bill Murray, or the next Domino's Pizza delivery guy.

The Wrap Party

Tom: I’m going to show them around the studio and when we say goodnight, I swear to God my father is going to ask me if I need any money and it is going to take everything I’ve got not to point out to him I could buy his house four times and turn it into my ping pong room.
Simon: I would resist that urge.

Lauren Graham: Why did you cut my sketch?
Matt: It wasn’t funny.
Lauren Graham: I thought it was funny.
Matt: I thought the writing was funny, but that you weren’t very good.
Lauren Graham: Really? Because I thought the writing was one unbearably long set up for a jingle.
Matt: And that’s why I cut the sketch, you were in a number of wonderful sketches tonight, including a hilarious send-up of your character on Calico Gals.
Lauren Graham: Gilmore Girls
Danny: I wrote it down for you.

Harriet: I just almost kissed Matt.
Jeanie: Really?
Harriet: Yeah.
Jeanie: Where?
Harriet: On the mouth.
Jeanie: Where in the building?
Harriet: Up in his office, during the last Sting number, it was a close call, I nearly had a Matt relapse, but I’m fine.

Nevada Day

Harriet: I don't even know what the sides are in the culture wars.
Matt: Well, your side hates my side because you think we think you're stupid. And my side hates your side because we think you're stupid.

Matt: You don't like kids and dogs?
Jordan: Yeah. Or orphans. Why? Is that bad?

Matt: Half the shows in prime time start with two strippers getting strangled after a lap dance, and that's fine with me but if it's also fine with Jesus then I don't see the need to tiptoe around his name.

Matt to Harriet: Yeah, can I ask you something? Does your ass hurt from straddling the fence like that all the time?

B-12

Jordan: Reporters aren't supposed to be story tellers. Stop trying to entertain me.
Reporter: You don't like the press...
Shelly: I think that was ten questions.
Jordan: By the press your talking about a lot of people, let me be specific: I don't like you!

Jordan: I'm a network executive, not Paris Hilton, what does it matter?
Jack: You are.
Jordan: What?
Jack: Paris Hilton. You got made into Paris Hilton. The press decided they needed a new one and you got casted.

Matt about Harriet: It's like watching a drunken man cross an icy street.

The Christmas Show

Jordan: Can I sit in on the meeting?
Jack: No. How did you get past my secretary?
Jordan: I told her I was sitting in on the meeting.

Tommy: See, Lucy, I'm sort of an astronomy buff.
Simon: Loser. The word is loser.

Danny to Jordan: I've been married twice before and I'm a recovering cocaine addict. And I know that's no woman's dream of a man, or of a father. Nonetheless, I believe I'm falling in love with you. If you want to run, I understand. But you better get a good head start, because I'm coming for you, Jordan.

Matt: How is it I'm Jewish, and I'm the only one with Christmas spirit? Come to think of it, how is it I'm in the only Jew in a comedy writer's room?

Monday

Tom: What are you doing?
Lucy: Um, waiting for Simon to come back. The men who work here have a very difficult time focusing on one subject at the moment. They're easily distracted by shiny objects-
Tom: Would you like to go out on a date with me sometime?
Lucy: Pardon?
Tom: I asked if you would like to go out on a date with me sometime.
Lucy: Really?
Tom: Yeah.
Lucy: Really?
Tom: Yeah.
Lucy: Love to.
Tom: Thursday night?
Lucy: Sure.
Tom: Then my work here is done.

Matt: Twelve hundred dollars I gotta give to abstinence people?
Suzanne: Twelve hundred and one.
Matt: Alright, do it, and can you find me some non-profit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these guys do, so I can donate an equal amount to them, and make it a wash?
Suzanne: That means an organization that encourages people to have sex?
Matt: It's L.A. You should be able to throw a rock and hit one.

The Harriet Dinner 1

Cal: Hey, it turns out Danny Tripp is afraid of snakes. These are harmless, right?
Bevo: No, they're vipers.
Cal: Harmless vipers?
Bevo: No, regular vipers.
Cal: Uh-huh. So if they bite you you'd, what?
Bevo: Go into anaphylactic shock.
Cal: But they would only bite if they were provoked?
Bevo: They'll strike at any kind of movement.
Cal: OK, you know what? Let's get this done.

Jack: Hi, Tom.
Tom: Tell him I'm being a gentleman!
Kim: He's an animal.
Tom: I'm not an animal!
Jack: Progress report.
Tom: I'm doing my best!
Jack: Your best isn't going to do it, Tom. You're going to need to do somebody else's best.

Tom: Kim, you're twenty years-old, right?
Kim: Uh huh.
Tom: Well, just 'cause I'm a little responsible for you tonight, I wanted to tell you that the legal drinking age in California is twenty-one.
Kim: What's the age for taking you back to my hotel room and dancing for you?
Simon: Eighteen.
Tom: Thank you.

Cal: There's a loose poisonous snake in the theater?!
Tom: What?
Cal: Nothing. It's slang.

Beevo: Cal, I can go to my place, get him, be back here in 45 minutes, this will all be over.
Cal: Alright, alright get the coyote, to get the ferret, that was sent after the snake, but Beevo here's my question just so I know.
Beevo: Yeah?
Cal: What goes in after the coyote?

Jordan: When did it happen?
Danny: What?
Jordan: When did you, you know...
Danny: Fall in love with you?
Jordan: You're not in love with me, so stop saying that.
Danny: I'll be in charge of whom I'm love with... if that's okay?
Jordan: It's not okay.
Danny: Then call the cops.
Jordan: When did you decide this?
Danny: It's not a decision... you're not buying a snow blower.
Jordan: So, when did you...
Danny: The first time I met you.
Jordan: The first time you met me, you hated me. You didn't trust me, you thought I was a network bitch, you thought I was blackmailing you.
Danny: You proved me wrong.
Jordan: So your only recourse was to fall in love with me?
Danny: Ironic.

The Harriet Dinner 2

Jack: I wouldn't be too hard on her.
Tao: No, her mother will take care of that.
Jack: *pause* You speak English?
Tao: I speak a few words.
Jack: How many words.
Tao: All of them.
Jack: Why do you pretend you can't speak English?
Tao: It's fun.

Cal: Yes... A snake got loose.
Danny: How many hours ago?
Cal: Tuesday.

Danny: I wasn't gonna lose interest in four months.
Jordan: How do you know?
Danny: Because I do. I don't feel sorry for you, I'm not on a sobriety high, I just want to be with you. What am I writing with?
Jordan: My eyeliner, Chanel Sable.
Danny: Been locked up on a roof for four hours with a deadly viper at large and it's the best night of my life because I was with you. I wasn't gonna lose interest in four months.

Jack: How you doing Kim?
Kim: I want Tom to take his pants off.
Jack: Life's full of disappointments, that would probably be one of them.