Dick: Great Scott! I qualified for platnuim status.
Everyone: Yeah!

Harry: Well, he's a good kid. Hornie but good.

Harry: Wait till we get to the big cities. There's a lot of thirsty people in the big cities.

(Sally and Don breaking up)
Sally: So this is it?
Don: You know my number.
Sally: Yep. 9-1-1.

Dick: When did you have an Aunt Florence?
Nina: I don't have an Aunt Florence.
Dick: See there's no difference. You know Nina, sometimes you don't make sense at all.

(Tommy pokes at some meat.)
Jeanie: It's ah pot roast.
Tommy: Woo I was way off.

Harry: Sweet, that Aunt Silvia.
Uncle: Sweet but dumb as a door knob. And don't get me started on her kids.

Aunt Florence: Oh please don't Richard. You're acting like your father.
Dick: Damn straight, Aunt Florence, damn straight.

Mary: Repression is the key to a happy family.

Harry: Genuis. I don't know how you turn the water blue and I don't want to know.

Dick: I'm in command.
Tommy: Yeah well, I'm in puberty pal.

Sally: In your dreams.
Tommy: Yeah every night.

Dick: Not in the car, not in the bar, not in the house, not up your blouse, I cannot touch you here or there, I cannot touch you anywhere!

Don: Sally, I'm a cop. I've got keen instincts. And right now, my instincts are telling me that... I don't know what the hell is going on.

Dick: Dr. Albright, have I been a perfect ass?
Mary: Aw, nobody's perfect.

Mary: I think you look distinguished with gray hair.
Dick: Thank you. I think you would look distinguished with gray hair, too.
Mary: No. When men get gray hair, they look distinguished. When women get gray hair, they look old.
Dick: When women get breasts, they look sexy. When men get breasts, they look old.
Mary: Good point!