Jack: Insert...laugh...here.

Jack: I love people as long as they're not hairy, or smelly.

Grace: I lied to me. That's so...dishonest.

Jack: Wow Karen you can bounce a quarter of that thing.

Jack: I took an oath in front of God and my mother. I'm here, I'm queer, get use to it.

Grace: I was waiting in line to buy wrinkle crime, and this Jennifer-Love-Michelle-Sarah-Felicity-looking thing bumps into me and says 'Excuse me, ma'am.

Will: THey say guys don't make passes at ladies with glasses.

Karen: Honey where are you going? Don't leave me here with these ice freaks! Oh honey this shirt of you is heaven.

Jack: I crave her. She scares me.

Grace: (about Michelle Kwan) She was robbed at the olympics.

Jack: He's my hero. He's the gay one.

Will: How long is Champions on Ice?
Karen: You mean endless on ice.

Jack: Damn it, piece of crap. (To Karen) I'm sending you love and light.

Karen: (about the maid) God can't we trade her in for a buzzer?

Jack: I'm not a lawyer, I'm a liar.

Grace: You know what those rocks need? A little scotch.

Grace: Oh what do you know?
Will: A little bit more than the maid. I am gay after all.

Grace: Oh don't you mock the ahhh.

Will: Jack C3-PO is British, not gay.

Jack: Who the hell was that nut?

Karen: Wow the gay's really love their poker.

Karen: Baking is fun, ha ha.

Grace: Hey, hey, hey. Don't push Pesha!

Jack: What the hell kind of toast was that?

Karen: Honey, what's going on with your hair? It looks like you got a moose and squrril in there.
Grace: You should talk Mulan.

Karen: Honey, don't think of it as drinking. Think of it as Mommy's little cotton candy.

Karen: Skate faster, we have reservations!

Jack to Will: You know anger does not go with what you're wearing. And yet nothing ever does.

(The dog water falls on him. Will appologizes.)
Guy: Oh I'm not mad, I'm just a little pissed.

Will: Oh yeah I feel comfortable leaving him with Cruella DeVille and Karen. (Jack and Karen dog sitting.)

Lady: Oh something's riped.
Karen: Yeah me.

Karen: Come on. Queens are better to open.

Jack: Ok, eyes back to me.

Jack: Oh my God. I'm 30. You know how many in gay years?

Will: That's nuts.
Jack: Nuts like a fox, Will.

Grace: Hi Jack, bye Jack.
Jack: Dad was that you?

Will: And they said Tinky Winky was the only gay Telly Tubby.

Karen: Grace the reason you're not in a relationship is on line one.

Jack: I bitched slapped the law, and the law won.

Will: Once again girl on girl action, and it's totally lost on me.

Will: Oh Jack look at you. Is this the little girl I raised?

Jack: Oh look Will, I'm flying you the bird.

Jack: Mike, Dale, Tom. Gaupo, Gaupo, Gaupo. There, there, there.

Karen: The rest of me is just drunk.

Jack: Oh my God, I just got to second with Grace.

Jack: See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.

Karen: Push me again and you die.

Grace: You know what my Aunt Pescha would say if she were in this room right now?
Will: "Why the hell did my parents name me Pescha"?

Sam: The last time I saw you, you were THIS big... but you were on a hill and I was far away.

Grace: You need to find a better hobby than outing robots!

Jack: Women, can't live with them... end of sentence.

Jack: For your information, most people who meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay.
Jack: Grace, when you first met me, did you know I was gay?
Grace: My dog knew.

Jack: Let's touch stomachs.

Will: You are so Markie Post in every single Lifetime movie.

Grace: I want to marry..."the one."
Karen: And well you should, honey. How else are you going to get to "the two" and "the three"?

Karen: Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning!

Karen: Whoa, got skirt?

Karen: Why doesn't this chair have an air sick bag?

Grace: Grace Adler - thanks Josh you too.

Karen: Simple pimple.

Will: Does it hurt your back to kiss your own ass like that?

Karen: Hello!? Honey you scared me. What's the name of the company again?

Will: Jack, she's just doing her job. I think that's the first time I used the words "Jack" and "job" in the same sentence without "needs to get a" in between.

Jack: I can't go to jail, Will. I'll never pull off the jumpsuit. I have no waist.

Grace: Just FYI. The first 3 letters in assistant spell ass, so please, get off yours.

Jack: I am now. Me, a piano and a spotlight. I'm calling it "Just Jack". Here's my flier. "Just Jack." One night only. "Just Jack."

Jack: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Just Jack! (SINGING) Touch me in the mornin'...
Karen: Honey, i'm busy. Touch yourself.

Jack: Ahhh! God can hear you right through the building, and she's not happy.

Jack: Oh, I don't know. We'd go as a team, like Donny and Marie or Sonny and Cher.
Karen: Oh, honey, you'd be cute as Sonny.
Jack: No, no. I'd be Cher. (SINGING) If I could turn back ti--ohhh. If I could find a--woahh.

Jack: Do you want me to sort them by colour? Or by size? Grace: By 5:00 would be useful.

Grace: No, no, no, no, no. That he would tell me. It has to be something worse. God, what is he keeping from me? Oh, my god. It's drugs. It's drugs. He's doing drugs. Without me. Not that I do drugs, but I'd like to be asked.
Jack: You know what else he wouldn't tell either of us? If he's sick. He needs a kidney! Oh, my god. He needs a kidney. Not that I would give him a kidney, but I'd like to be asked.

Karen: Oh, Grace, I am your assistant. Now, I may not be a whiz at the... (POINTING)
Grace: Computer.
Karen: Or know how to work the... (POINTING)
Grace: Fax.
Karen: But, honey, I do know how to get where I need to be. Now hand me the--
Grace: Phone.

Will: Grace, we can go. I don't care.
Grace: No, sweetie. It's ok. It's not that big a deal.
Will: Not that big a deal? You just jumped into Jack's arms.
Last time a woman did that-- A woman's never done that.

Grace: Ok. Let's do this quickly while Jack's still playing on the escalator. How about a juicer for Jack's birthday?

Karen: You know CPR?
Jack: Oh, yeah. I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay... Only I think it just confused him even more.

Karen: (To Rosario) Come on, honey.... (SLOWLY) Sit-o down-o. Try not to talk-o.
Rosario: (To Will) You hear how she talks to me? I speak English, ok?

Will: Ok. This is the last one. I still don't know why you didn't just hire moving guys.
Grace: I think we did fine on your own.
Will: I know, but...moving guys are hot.
Grace: Ahem, Firemen are hot. You want me to set something on fire?

Jack: Tsk Tsk Tsk. Will, have you totally forgotten how to speak our language? "Running late" is gay for "I'm blowing you off."
Will: Really. What's gay for "get out"?
Jack: That would be "good morning"?
Will and Jack: (together) Good morning, Jack.

Jack: Rosario? A marriage is about compromise and compassion, ok? Maybe you could, oh, I don't know-- pick one?