Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where's your office?
Buck: I don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don't need one.
Miles: Where's your wife?
Buck: Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don't.
Miles: How come?
Buck: Its an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my dads brother?
Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38
Buck: I'm your dads brother all right.
Miles: YOu have much more hair in your nose than my dad.
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I'm a kid. That's my job.

Tia: Get your bag off of the table. People eat there.
Maisy: They eat on plates.
Tia: Don't give me any of your crap Maisy.
Maisy: I'm telling you said crap.
Tia: There's nothing wrong with crap.
Maisy: Oh really? I thought it was a swear?
Tia: No you're thinking of shit.
Maisy: Oh right.

Tia: Your book bag doesn't go on the floor.
Miles: Oh let's have a cow. Your nails are digging into my arm god damn it.
Tia: Pick it up.
Miles: You're just suppose to open the door for us. You're not suppose to kick us around. I'm an American, I have rights.
Tia: Maisy, did I kick you around?
Maisy: No, but you said shit twice, but only once for real.

Miles: Holy smokes! He's cooking our garbage.

Bug: Ever hear of a tune-up? Ha ha.
Buck: Hee hee hee. Ever hear of a ritual killing?

Marcie: Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen.

Buck: If you think this is big, wait until you see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.

Buck: I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.

Buck: Well, well, well. They certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.
Tia: What are you doing here?
Buck: We were just driving by, going out for some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.
Tia: I said I would be home by ten. Its not even nine.
Buck: Who said anything about that? I thought you just might want to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You do know what a hatchet is, don't you Bug?
Bug: Its an axe?
Buck: Sort of , yeah, yeah. I've got one in the car of you'd like to see it.
Bug: I'll pass.
Buck: Fair enough. I like to carry it. You never know when you're gonna need it. You know, a situation might come up, for example, someones been drinking and about to drive a loved one home. Then I like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder... Whiik! The elbow... shave a little meat off the knee cap... Whup! Oooh! You got both knee caps? I like to keep mine razor sharp, too. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why, I've been known to circumcise a gnat. Youre not a gnat, are you Bug? Wait a minute. Bug. Gnat. Is there a little similarity there? Oooh, I think there is!

Buck: Hey! How ya doin?!
Miles: Who are you?!
Buck: I'm your Uncle Buck!
Miles: Do I have an uncle?
Tia: Unfortunately.

(Tia is making out with Bug)
Miles: That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season!

Buck: Her dad?
Bob: Hard to say.
Buck: Oh, those medical terms eh?

Buck: Do you think she hates me?
Maisy: With a passion.
Buck: Really? Do you think it's the hat?
Maisy: No.
Buck: No? A lot of people hate this hat. It angers a lot of people, just the sight of it. Ah, I'll tell you a story about that on the way to school.