Robbie: Remember alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.

Robbie: Now please get out of my Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

Groom's men: He's drunk as shit.

Robbie: You want to be like Fonzy don't you?
Sammy: Yes I do.
Robbie: You're on your way.

Robbie: Hey yeah, have a few drinks and drive home.

Grandpa: I would like to do more than dance with her.

Jimmy Moore: This is Jimmy Moore saying that's no sock in my garage.

Jimmy: He's losing his mind and I'm reaping all the benefits. (evil smile)

Nephew: You're going into the mental insitution.

David: When my brother Harold asked me to be the best man at his wedding, I was like of course man. You've always been there for me, like when I was in rehab, and like the time I couldn't find my car. Cause Harold has always been the dependable one, and I've always been the screwed up one. Right dad? Why can't you be more like your brother? Harold would never beat up his landlord. But uh, news flash pop, Harold ain't so perfect. Remember that time in Puerto Rico when we picked up those two uh, well I guess they were prostitutes but I don't remember paying.

Robbie: Have you been drinking too?
Julia: No, it's Coke.
Robbie: You sure? There's no rum in your Coke?
Julia: No! And if it was, I'd probably be puking as much as that kid!
Robbie: I doubt that. I think I saw a boot come out!

Robbie: Some of us will never ever find true love. Take, for instance...me. And I'm pretty sure that guy right there. And that lady with the sideburns. And basically everybody at table nine.

Man: We're paying you to sing, not share your thoughts on life!
Robbie Hart: Well I have a microphone and you don't... so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

Old man: I would like to do more than dance with her.

Julia: Not porno tongue, church tongue.
Robbie: Church tongue, I like that.

Robbie: When I put my mind to something, I go all the way. I'll go all the way for you, sir. I'm a big fan of money. I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I wanna put more in that jar. That's where you come in.

Robbie: Well, we're living in a material world, and I'm a material girl, or Boy.

Glen: Hey, do you want to go straight to getting married, or do you want to do some gambling and have some fun first?

Robbie: See Billy Idol gets it, I don't know why she doesn't get it.