Dudley: *about Maggie* She's perfect for me. I wanted to say something funny, but all I could think of was black jokes.
Bobby: Do tell... which ones? Why don't you tell the one that ends with me beating your ass?

Doug: You're the sheriff, aren't you going out there?
Charley: Hey, I took my law enforcement course on the internet! For arms training they just told us to play Doom!

Jack: You're gonna pay a disobedience fee of $10,000, plus another $40,000 to rebuild the bar. If you don't, we're gonna break your friends legs here.
Dudley: Don't bring the money! I'm a computer programmer! I don't need my legs!
Jack: Fine, we'll break his hands!
Dudley Frank: Oh dammit. Bring the money!