I tried to make the guy look like me. It kinda worked. Damn my German heritage for making my face look a lot different than the character's.

The '90s gave us a bunch of stuff that really sucked such as GM's Dustbuster-esque minivans, hardasses like the one pictured at right and annoying-ass Boys II Men clones (boy bands did not die with the breakup of New Kids on the Block in the early '90s; the wussy pop groups just weren't white guys. Calling a group of young black men a "boy band" is racist as hell, so the term "boy band" disappeared for a while.) But what did the '80s bring us? Mostly really cool stuff! Besides Full House, we were bombarded with radness on a daily basis in the '80s. The cats over at Rockstar needed a way to further immortalize their already entertaining Grand Theft Auto video game franchise. They made the smartest decision possible: they set the new game in the '80s. And in a stroke of sheer and absolute genius, they contacted me to see if I would do an article on it. I was like "Fucking aye!" and that's why you're able to read this. But, does the game pass the Night of the Living '80s tests of accuracy, avoidance of cliché '80s references (like using a Rubik's Cube as a weapon) and ability to piss off bible thumpers and liberals alike?

Needle bangs: a sure sign that someone is an asshole.

Accuracy: Well, they certainly did not fuck up in the music department. The soundtrack is like a bunch of those K-Tel '80s compilation albums. "For only 3 payments of $39.99 you get over 11 hours of the best of the decade that we all know and love! The '80s!" Fuck that shit! Vice City has an absolute assload of '80s hitmakers including Hall & Oates, The Fixx, INXS, Michael Jackson, Wang Chung, Bryan Adams, Lionel Ritchie, REO Speedwagon, Foreigner, Mr. Mister, Toto, Night Ranger, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Flock of Seagulls, Tears for Fears, Blondie, Gary Numan and Corey Hart.
The fury, glory and triumph of metal was not lost on the programmers, because it's got Megadeth's explosive "Peace Sells", Slayer's Slaytanic "Raining Blood", Iron Maiden's blistering "2 Minutes to Midnight", Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock" (liberals pissed off so far: the Gore family) Ozzy's classic ode to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde "Bark at the Moon", Judas Priest's anthemic "You've Got Another Thing Comin'" and Tesla's bombastic "Comin' Atcha Live" (it would appear that Rockstar consulted the My Iroc Page.) Steve Vai appears twice, on songs from his stints with shredder factories Alcatrazz and David Lee Roth.
Even Slayer wore makeup and spandex at one time. Don't bring it up the next time you talk to them.

Slayer covering Iron Maiden's "Phantom of the Opera" in 1982. And kicking ass.

Hair rock was not ignored, either, since Motley Crue, Quiet Riot, Loverboy and Autograph were included. Even Gordon-approved rappers such as Run DMC, 2 Live Crew, Kurtis Blow and Grandmaster Flash appear. And in grand '80s tradition, the radio deejays talk all over the damn music. When I was on the radio, they said "Talk over the music and we will fucking kill you." Back in the '80s, that conversation would not have happened.
That's officially a smirk

The offending sportbike, Tranz Am

The cars are also spot on. They didn't use real cars since that would cost a trillion dollars, but there are clones of Ferrari Testarossas, Lamborghini Countaches, C4 'Vettes, '81 Trans Ams, BMWs, station wagons (remember those things?) Toyota Supras, Honda CRXs, Blazers, K-cars, Ford LTDs, Ferrari Spyder Replica 'Vettes, and '80s versions of motocross bikes and Winston Cup cars. Fuckup #1: The sportbike appears to be a cross between an early '90s Ducati and a new Yamaha TDM 850. Hmm.
Even the actors are badasses. Vice City features the voices and likenesses of Dennis Hopper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Apocalypse Now), Ray Liotta (Field of Dreams), Tom Sizemore (Penn and Teller Get Killed), Gary Busey (Lethal Weapon), Burt Reynolds (Smokey and the Bandit, every great car movie ever made), Lee Majors (The Fall Guy), Lawrence Taylor, Debbie Harry and Jenna Jameson. Fuckup #2: Jenna Jameson was sucking on lollipops in the '80s, not cocks.
Avoidance of cliché '80s references: Vice City is of course, Miami Beach. Although Miami Beach is the most '80s place in the world, where else were they going to have it? Chattanooga Tennessee? Actually, it would be really cool if the next Grand Theft Auto game was in Appalachia. The characters could sell Oxycotins, drive some beat up Chevy Corsicas, listen to bluegrass and barrel through decaying Appalachian hellhole factory towns. I suggest Portsmouth, Ohio. Visit and you'll understand. In the time I've played the game, I haven't ran across any Rubik's Cubes, Pac-Men, Gary Coleman, Growing Pains stuff, New Coke, Thundercats or other things from the '80s that I'm tired of hearing about. The inclusion of that damn Buggles song "Video Killed the Radio Star" does a good job of pissing me off, though. That song licks balls and gets way too much attention just for being the first song on MTV. MTV is fucking gay and so are the Buggles. 
Imagine a town of 20,000 residents with no movie theater, a speedway that doesn't sell booze, a huge crack problem, lots of whores, panhandlers and armed robbieries and a six-month waiting list to go to jail. It's Portsmouth. Small-town charm my ass.

Portsmouth at sunset. Click to biggie-size.

This guy needs a mustache

GTA: Vice City or Magnum P.I.?

There are two ways to be metal: denim or leather. Lazlow chose leather.

Fuckup #3: This is Lazlow, the deejay on VRock. His biography says that he has a mullet, but that's not a fucking mullet. That's just long hair with short bangs.

Ability to piss off liberals and Bible thumpers alike: Bible thumpers like to impose their value system on others, since they believe that their line of thinking is superior to all others. That's how they are able to procure fat wives, trailers, early '90s four-doors and large satellite dishes. Liberals like to censor violence to divert everyone's attention from the fact that they are a bunch of screechy pinkos and because they think that you're too stupid to play a game like Vice City without turning into a criminal. You can use hammers, bats, golf clubs, chainsaws, brass knuckles, screwdrivers, automatic weapons, machetes, a Gatling gun and flame throwers to fuck people up big time, which is an even more brutal selection of weapons than in GTA III. Senator Joe Leiberman, an idiot, tried to push legislation effectively outlawing Mortal Kombat in 1993. Now he's decided to run for President in 2004, putting the GTA franchise in jeopardy. Maybe he should concentrate on things that really make teenage boys go psycho, like shitty parenting, lack of pussy and Dungeons and Dragons. Bible thumpers will bitch about the whores, porn stars, strip joints, metal and other things that wouldn't affect them in in any way if they chose to ignore them.

Love Fist

"Gordon, quit beating around the goddamn bush and tell us how the fucker plays!" -You. I'm going to tell you the same thing everybody else does: Of course it's hella-awesome! This isn't a fucking Sega CD game, it's Grand Theft Auto. You can do the same shit that you did in number III, ten million other things, and it's in the '80s. Come on now.

Grand Theft Auto Vice City

Vice City Radio

Go back to the old stuff at Life in These Living '80s
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