WHY TABLES JUMP by Hadroddock

There are some very logical explanations as to why tables jump, I will now try to explain them.

Part of the reason for tables jumping is that in their spare time they get bored just sitting there next to the chairs and doing absolutely nothing so they tend to jump. Some people have said that they don't jump, but that they actually do a little dance, I have not personally seen this happen but it may well be true.

They also jump when they get excited and happy. This generally happens on special occasions such as anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc. On Christmas day they always jump at a specific time, that time is twenty-three minutes to four in the afternoon. On this occasion they jump especially high so it's a great event to witness.

There are also special kinds of tables around that have been specially made so that they can jump even higher. To make these type of tables a special springy kind of material called elastoleg has to be made. This is obtained by purifying tree sap (preferably from an oak tree) and adding grated coconut to make a grey/green coloured substance which is very sticky. This substance is then put into a mold and left to set in the desired shape (generally a table leg shape). When the newly formed table legs come out of the molds they are securely attached to the table tops (made out of melamine) so that there is no chance that they can fall off.

Whilst a table is jumping it is possible for it to hurt itself. The most common injury is a broken leg. This kind of injury can easily be mended by put the leg in a furnace for a few seconds and then rubbing white paint from Great Mills on it for three weeks. For the leg to heal completely, the table concerned will have to refrain itself from jumping for about thirty four weeks and then paint itself purple and dance naked on top of a harpsichord singing "I'm alive, oh yes I'm alive, ha ha!" Another common cause of injury is for a table to slip on oil of ulay whilst jumping. This can be a tragedy and then you would have to arrange for Steps to sing at the poor table's funeral.

Many qualified scientists have spent many years trying to understand the minds of tables to find out exactly what possesses them to jump in the first place. They first thought that they were being influenced by the power of the staring Satan, but now they think that this is unlikely. The actual reason for tables jumping is because they want to, because they want to! All sane tables are great fans of Billie so that reason is as good as any. Some tables are such dedicated fans of Billie that they have bought all of her CDs and been insulted by the evil guy in Our Price each time they purchased one. If you listen carefully to a table whilst it is jumping you can hear it singing Billie songs.

There are humans who pretend to be tables, one notorious one of these "fake table guys" is well known for his piano playing at R.A.T.S. productions at Rossett School. Many other tables and some humans have noticed him and he's been reported to the jumping table police, they are trying to capture him as you are reading this. He is a great danger to the public as he deceives them into thinking that he is a table, but the way to tell that he isn't a table is because he cannot jump because he's about seventy years old and he also doesn't like Billie, he likes Cilla Black.

Another very logical explanation for tables jumping is ghostly presences in the room as they can make tables move against their own will. In fact, ghostly presences are tables number one enemy. Ghosts like the song "Tell me ma" so they run round singing "Tell me ma when I go home the boys won't leave the girls alone!" Tables think that ghosts are really sad for not liking Billie, so they really don't get along well!

If tables put on bunny costumes they can pretend to be Fluffy fluffy bun bun and jump round like mad morris men with sticks and bells! When they're being bunnies they tend to smell a bit, rather like mouldy socks with sick in them.

A tables diet consists of belly button fluff, lost socks and pickled onions. They are very healthy so that is why they can jump so high and why they have so much energy to jump all the time. It's probably the fact that they jump for fourty five percent of their lives that they are as healthy as all that.

The art of jumping for the male table attracts attention from the female table and this can lead to even more jumping as a couple. Couples of tables dating is an extraordinary sight to see and this can only be seen around the twenty seventh of June every thirty years when it is a full moon, so basically not very often! There is a certain time of the month when female tables cannot stop jumping, this is called the cannot stop jumping stage of the month and it is perfectly normal for any mentally insane table or any sane female human being. If the female of the species jumps continuously for three thousand weeks it means that they are going to have a baby table which will take a further twenty thousand years to escape from it's mother's belly. Baby tables are very skilled at jumping from great heights and killing themselves, more commonly known as committing suicide. So that is why tables jump.