TWO TOED JESUS

Scene 1 - Jesus is sat in a deckchair next to the river. It is very peaceful apart from the distant medieval banging.

Two Toed Jesus (To the audience)

Ahhh, it's so nice to get away from it all, shame about the medieval banging though. I don't think anyone will find me here, I mean have you ever heard of Pot Noodlum in Ugly Chickenshire? Nope! I'm soooo tired after all those fish and loaves last week, it's a pleasant change to relax. It's also nice to get rid of all those dopey disciples, I'm sooo sick of them following me round like sheep. It's really brilliant to sit here all alone in the middle of nowhere and smell the fresh, clean air......

(Fred approaches and Jesus pauses to sniff the air)

Oh good God, what in the world can I smell?!!

Fred The Dustman

Oh my goodness, it can't be! Yes, it is! It is my hero! Hello Mr. Two Toed Jesus Sir (shaking his hand vigorously) I'm your biggest fan, I really like you on "Plantpot Challenge".

Jesus

Oh thankyou my dear fragrant fellow, but my personal favourite is "What colour is my cockerel". Anyway young sapling, how can I help you?

Fred

I have a problem, a very big problem and I desperately need help with it. Please help me oh mighty Two Toed Jesus!

Jesus

What can this problem possibly be for it to bother you to such a great extent?

Fred

It's very difficult to talk about.

Jesus

Surely you can tell me?

Fred

Well it is, the thing is, it is that, well you see it's...

Jesus

Spit it out boy!

Fred

I.......I........can't.....I can't make.......I can't make........bread!

Jesus

That can't be a problem, why do you have to make bread? It's not that special.

Fred

I want to impress Popcorn, she's my girlfriend, she's a mouse and she's coming to tea tonight, please help me oh mighty one!

Jesus

It's simple, you get some flour...

Fred

From the garden?

Jesus

No you stupid little....no flour for baking with.

Fred

Red flowers?

Jesus

No, just let me carry on.

Fred

OK (unsure)

Jesus

You get some flour, yeast, water, a little salt and sugar and half a cup of arsenic. Oh, but sometimes I put a little tree sap in to make it more tasty.

Fred

But isn't tree sap what paint is made out of?

Jesus

Yes, but it's not poisonous unless you eat it

Fred

Oh, well that's OK then, carry on.

Jesus

Yes, anyway, you put it in a tin and leave it in a warm place to rise

Fred

WHAT?!!

Jesus

The yeast, it makes it rise

Fred

Huh?

Jesus

Look, do you live near here?

Fred

Yes, I live just around the corner in a cardboard box, it's brown you know!

Jesus

OK then, I'll come back to your house....erm....box and make the bread for you.

Fred

Oh goody, thanks Jesus.

Scene 2 - Fred's front door and in his kitchen

Fred

Here it is, see I told you it was brown!

Jesus

OK, let's go into the kitchen.

(They walk into the kitchen)

Right, run along now Fred, get me the ingredients, a bowl and a tin.

(Fred goes away and returns with the stuff)

Look, put the flour in, then the yeast, then the water, then the salt, then the sugar, then the arsenic, then, ooohh yummy, then the tree sap! Mix it together, put it over there in the sun and watch it rise.

(Ten minutes later)

OK, now into the oven.

(Twenty minutes later)

Mmmmmm, smell the sap burning! So go on Fred, get it out.

(Fred gives him a funny look and begins to unbutton his trousers)

NOOO!!! Fred, what are you thinking??!! THE BREAD, THE BREAD!!!

Fred

Oh. (Looks relieved)

(There is a knock on the flap of the box)

It's popcorn! Quick Jesus hide!

Jesus

Oh, OK, I'll hide here in the dishrack and pretend to be a spoon or something.

(Popcorn comes in and sits on the toaster?!!)

Popcorn the Mouse

Hello Freddy my little dustbin boy! You smell disgusting!

Fred

Hi, um, thanks. (Upset) I made bread!

Popcorn

Eeeeewwwwww!!! Bread? That makes me puke!

(Fred looks upset)

Jesus

Pssssst, Fred.

Fred

Huh?

Jesus

Fffffrrrrrrreeeeeeeddddddd!!!!!

Fred

Oh, back in a minute, I just need a spoon

Jesus

It's popcorn, she's toasting her tail! Quick, save her before it's too late!

(There is a loud bang as the toaster explodes, a dead burnt looking popcorn lands infront of them)

Fred

FOOD AT LAST!!!

(Jesus and Fred sit down at the washing machine and begin eating Popcorn)

Jesus

She's very good actually, quite juicy!

Fred

Mmmmmm! (Mouth full)

Jesus

I've never eaten mouse before, very tasty. But what about the bread?

Fred

Oh let's leave Popcorn and go down to the river and feed the bread to the ducks

Jesus

Good idea

Scene 3 - Down by the river, Jesus and Fred are throwing bread to the ducks.

Jesus

Jolly good fun this is!

Fred

Yeah, super!

(The villagers come running up grabbing ducks and shaking them about)

Jesus

What ARE you doing?

Villagers

We shake out bread for our barbecue!

Jesus

Now stop that all you villagers. Listen to me.

(They all go silent)

I am Two Toed Jesus and I know that shaking food out of ducks is one of the seven deadly sins therefore you shouldn't do it. Ducks are noble birds and don't require to be shaken by smelly village folk. Oh, but at Christmas wrap them in sellotape before putting them in the oven, it makes them more juicy. All of you go home and leave the ducks until the 24th December. Oh, and one more tip for the future.....wear sunscreen!