Ahhh a run away wig.

Ok ok , this does sound bizarre , but it all started 2 years ago when I started hallucinating about toast and meatballs growing on trees and it didn’t take long for people to catch on that I was a bit weird. Anyway things came to a head about a year later when my dreams actually started happening for real. Everybody in the lost world of ketchup was constantly saying they had seen lots of strange and deranged beings hanging around in a tree in my back garden. They were little green finger-painting dudes who loved to finger-paint everything. They made a huge mural on the side of Buckingham palace…. No one knows that it was them though so don’t tell anyone. Anyway as I said they were deranged little things, I don’t know what powers they had but I was dreaming about sheep dancing to the Macarena and it would actually happen, I dreamt that everyone had an extra head growing out of their left leg and it would actually happen . These green little things were making stuff happen.

Anyway, to explain exactly what I mean about runaway wigs…… one day after Christmas I was thinking about how much some peoples hair looked like a wig and that it would look much better if they just admitted they were bald instead of doing a really bad job of covering it up. I mean it actually looked like they had a squashed turkey on their heads or a mangled mess or mank. If you think about it … you can’t really wash wigs all that well coz other wise it might wash out the hair … then you’d be bald again so there wouldn’t be that much point in wearing it. If you think about it, A wig is just manky sweat mixed with either totally fake hair or someone else’s hair. …. Gross!! Anyway, I thought, they really can’t carry on wearing wigs coz the world would just start to be mank. I dreamt one night that all the wigs grew a mind of their own and started running all over the world.

Anyway, the green dudes were on vacation at the time of my dream so I forgot about it. When they returned that’s when the trouble started. I mean everything was fine for a couple of days then things were actually very very mad. Theses wigs were everywhere. You’d lift up your bag and one would scuttle across the carpet, you’d get in to bed and there would be about 5 curled up asleep in there with you and then the would scuttle of so not to be caught. You’d wake up and about 10-20 would have migrated on to your head where it was nice and warm and felt homely. You’d never go a day without seeing at least 100 – 200 wigs, the honestly had a life of there own. I remember one day I opened the fridge to get some milk for my morning coffee and there was one attacking the butter, must have loved grease . I actually felt physically sick coz I couldn’t’ get away from these things. They could have been anyone’s mank.

It was kind of funny because the wigs could chose what they did . No one who actually needed a wig was wearing them , and wow …. How many people that are actually bald amazed me. Anyway , you’d be walking down the street and if there was a good looking , nice smelling friendly man or woman walking past .. you could bet your bottom dollar that there would be about 50 wigs attacking her/him , for a proud place on their heads , so there was millions of people walking around with a about 50 wigs attatched and they already had loads of hair in the first place.

This wig catastrophe caused so much confusion in the world, that things couldn’t run smoothly anymore , no one would go outside coz either they would have no hair or have way too much from the bombardment of the wigs .

There was only one thing to be don. Have you ever seen or read anything to do with the pied piper. You know the one where he leads all the rats into the river with the sound from his pipe. Well something along the same lines had to be done. Wigs seemed to attract themselves to gardeners, saxophonists and people who loved the washing up. I gathered together about 100 people from my neighbourhood who were of this kind of nature. The old Mr panties, who by chance was now bald brang along his big lawnmower that he used to mow the football fields of the local school, along came all his lawnmower mates from the pub. I gathered together the very few … but loud saxophonists I new, and got everyone one else I could find to smother themselves in washing up liquid and find some spoons to bang together. We had to cover the ground in grass cos otherwise the lawnmowers wouldn’t make it. We did have a few problems like wigs getting completely stuck in the washing up liquid, that was slopped all over everyone, and some old + now bald lady passed out coz the wigs smothered her and she couldn’t get air , but she is ok now and still alive at a wonderful age of 100 … well sometime in august …. You guessed it … she was the queen mother …. See everyone helped out in this tremendous disaster, she was visiting my next door neighbours at the time of the incident and was happy to help.

Anyway, we walked through the streets of London playing out the roles we had been given and sure enough , the wigs followed , they came in swarms of millions from all over the world. We finally got to the banks of the Thames , it was cold and windy and you couldn’t see more than an inch in front or you coz of the swarm of wigs . You could tell where the people were though coz they all had green buckets on their heads . …. Bright green!! Any way we poured gallons of washing up liquid in to the water and put all the grass cuttings we had collected on the way into the water and mixed it up with a big orange crane and yes guess what!!! The wigs suddenly aroused by the smell of grass and bubbles splashed deep into the water never to be seen of again.

You may wonder what happened to the green dudes, they just disappeared … probably out of embarrassment from what they let get out of control. I have never dreamed weird stuff again just Incase and if it did happen again we would know what to do.

I won 5 awards ….. 2 for bravery, one from the ‘people’ magazine , and 2 Oscars coz I got a couple of film offers and yes I took them up on the offer!! I also got to meat the queen … after all I did save the queen mothers life.

I was famous all because of my little green devastating dudes and my willing imagination. Wow

Was this all just a dream ……. Maybe it might have actually happened ….. anything can … you never know.