This is the story of how a humble island in the eastern Pacific became a great empire, flourished, and became Tschukland.
Little is known about Tschukland, but ever since discovering the strange and wonderful language spoken there in ancient times, I have decided to devote my entire soul to learning about how these remarkable people lived and why Tschukland no longer exists. Please try to understand that I cannot be completely sure of all the facts presented to you, but I will make the best possible effort with the resources that I have.
In the beginning, there was BARNEY. BARNEY was kind and compassionate, yet strong and powerful. He and his fellow god-people lived in Alephola, the kingdom of the gods. One fine day, these same gods were discussing the different theories on inertia in a vacuum, it was suggested by HER that the only way to find out would be to create a testing ground, or as SHE put it, a "Universe". So the gods created the universe and all of its superior expandingness. After this feat, they decided that it was not much good to them as it stood. Therefore they created the many galaxies and systems, planets and beings, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold. For an interesting twist, they gave these planets strange features, to give future wise men the impression that the largest masses emerged from massive clouds of dust.
After all of the work had been completed, all of the gods went out to eat at Joe's Eat-Till-You-Spew Pizzaria, except THEM. He stayed behind, claiming that he had stomach cramps and that he needed some rest. When the rest of them had left, he set to work on the creation of Tschukland. He made it into a beautiful island, lush and full of ferns. He set control of the island in the hands of the bravest of its citizens, Tschuk!. After doing this, he went to join his fellow gods and goddesses at Joe's. Unfortunately, he became fearfully intoxicated and forgot the whole incident. Thus, Tschukland was completely forgotten and the people living there would live without any interference from the gods for years to come.
When THEM woke up the next morning, he was still quite queezy. HER was making omelets for SHE, and HIM was still asleep. THEM looked at HE and said, "I know I did something important last night, but I can't remember what for the life of me." It was at that moment that the gods remembered their new experimental testing ground. They all crept over to the edge of the clouds and looked down
January 1, 2,500,000 B.C. 12:03 a.m.
It was the dawn of man (and woman). On North Pangea, the primitive humans were venturing out of their caves to an entirely untouched world. They knew nothing but what they knew by instinct. Completely naked, they would wander around aimlessly until gored by a rhino.
On Tschukland, things were quite different. The people were busy organizing their huts, preparing for their new life. They quickly organized into tribes to ensure survival. Tschuk! proved to be a strong leader, and guided his people in peace and harmony. In the year 2,499,940 B.C., he died and was succeeded by his son, Tschuk! II (Mother unknown). He also led his people and made strong advances in technology and industry. As the years continued, Tschuk! II also died and he was also replaced by his only son, Tschuk! III. This pattern of leadership continued in Tschukland for the next couple of million years or so.
3100 B.C.
During this time period, the infidels on the mainland were beginning to write epic poetry and simple stories. On Tschukland, they too were writing stories, only much more sophisticated and difficult to understand: A Tale of Two Places, by Tscharles Dickuns. Journey to the Center of our Planet, by Vern Jewels. These, and others like them are still considered to be some of the best examples of literature ever produced. Tschukland was flourishing under the leadership of Tschuk! the 48,745th. By the year 2500 B.C., the humans of the place called Egypt were constructing the "Great Sphinx". The Tschuks were also building, but they were far beyond the simplistic stage of rock piles. They were more into metals and plastics. Using these metals and plastics, they were able to construct a huge monument to their first leader, Tschuk! I. It was put in the place where he died. Unfortunately, it was so massive, that it fell over and toppled into the sea and created huge waves that went around the world. This is how waves and tides were created. (The preceeding was a tall tale. Some of it was true, while some was simply made up to explain scientific phenomenon that was previously unexplainable.)
776 B.C.
On the Mainland, the people were having their first Olympic Games, which consisted of throwing around balls and running in circles. On Tschukland, professional sports were established, for which the players were paid millions of Tschuk-Bucks every year. Around the year 40 B.C., God sent one of his kids to Earth in the form of a poor, innocent child. Well, THEM got jealous and decided to send his own son Themus to Tschukland dressed in rich clothing and smelling of sweet incense and cologne. By the time God's kid was getting recognized, he was killed, while Themus was opening a series of amusement parks on Tschukland.
700 A.D.
While the people on the mainland were fighting and bickering about their religions, the people of Tschukland had arrived on a period of great peace. The last in the line of Tschuk!s had been overthrown, and a new form of government was installed. Democracy. Only, instead of having only one leader, they had several people at the highest position, called Kusches. It was also around this time period that the Vikings were discovering America. (but they forgot to tell the rest of the world.) The people of Tschukland were reaching a point in their technological development that their needs far exceeded their resources. Scientific discovery almost came to a halt, if not for the amazing ingenuity of scientists like Alber Tinestein and Galel Ayo.
1490
On Tschukland, the people were preparing for the first manned space shuttle launch. Unfortunately, this launch was never to happen. For you see, a man called Christopher Columbus was doing some exploring of his own. This was truly a dark time in the history of our world. As soon as Columbus discovered America, all of the people would want to go out and discover, discover, discover. Sooner or later, someone would stumble upon that small island in the Pacific Ocean and the amazing progress of its people would be brought to a screeching halt.
It was approximately 1494 when a band of lost explorers happened upon the island of Tschukland. They first thought they had arrived upon Madagascar, but quickly realized their error when they saw the sophisticated devices being used by the Tschuks. The things that the explorers saw were incredibly advanced. There were portable music playing devices and huge machines that carried the people around. These were called 'Wokmahns and Karrs'. The people of Tschukland soon noticed these primitive people. They asked where they were from, and the explorers told them, "We are from Spain." (Only they were speaking Mexican) A hum of excitement stirred the gathering crowd. Fortunately, through the use of an automatic translator, they were able to decipher the meaning of each other's words. Soon the people of Tschukland were bustling with confusion. "We aren't the only people on this planet! We are but an insignificant little island that is separated from the world! I can't believe it's not butter!" In this massive confusion, the explorers exited the scene and sailed away to land on South America. They told their story, but no one believed them.
Tschukland was in big trouble. The people were confused and the leaders were even more. The Tschukish Revolution was underway. The people revolted against the government and made quite a raucous. Up in Alephola, BARNEY was watching. Watching and frowning. "THEM!" he shouted, "What have you done?" THEM could not explain, but he told BARNEY, "I will go and fix the problem, Your Most Excellency."
And so THEM descended down to Tschukland and silenced the people. "Why do you bicker so? Can't you see that you have been given a gift? You have evolved without the interference of outside forces. You can...hey, quit throwing...c'mon, knock it off! Ow! Stop throwing rocks! You ungrateful people! Forget it! From now on, you can look forward to never getting any help from the higher powers. You will be forced to live your lives out by yourselves, because I am never coming back here again. Geez, what a bunch of degenerates!" THEM proceeded back to where he had come from and let the people think about what they had done.
The people of Tschukland were now in a state of vast confusion. They didn't know what to do now that they were aware of the rest of the world. It was eventually decided in a secret meeting that they would build a huge ship that would carry them off of the island forever. Weeks later, their ship was complete, and they were ready to set out. Late at night, they boarded the ship. The darkness was engulfing everything, so naturally there was a lot of tripping and bumping into things. Once everyone was aboard, they bid farewell to Tschukland and set sail. Unfortunately for them, the gods had been watching their progress and BARNEY had told HIM to stop the people before they reached land and raised some serious Cain.
There was a young man named Tchuck! on board the ship that night. He was a descendant of Tschuk!, but had altered his name to avoid being lynched. He was sitting on the deck, playing a game of chess against himself, when he noticed a faint glow in the sky. He thought little of it until he saw the silhouette of a huge figure, rising up against the night sky. Tchuck! was not the only one to notice this, and soon the whole group was staring into the sky, at something they couldn't see, yet they all knew it was there. (The preceding sentence is an example of what is commonly regarded as 'choppy') Suddenly lightning struck, and they were able to see just how huge this behemoth of a god-man really was. Tchuck leapt to his feet and ordered the women and children to go to the lower deck and stay out of sight. He knew that things were going to get pretty ugly.
HIM looked down upon the puny ship. He was about to swipe it down when he was struck by a moral dilemma: Should he make fast and easy work of the ship, or should he put a little flavor and style into it? After a moment of thought, he opted for the latter. With a flick of his wrist he sent spheres of glowing flame soaring into the sky. Their shimmering tails left marks in the sky as they arced up and then fell toward the ship. Most of them did not hit the ship, but there were several that did. Like somewhere between 35 and 50. The entire ship was in flames in a matter of minutes, and the screams were gradually succumbing to the mighty roar of laughter from HIM.
Tchuck took action immediately. As soon as he saw the fireballs, he leapt to his feet and ran to the mast. He used all of his adrenaline-based strength to tear the mast down and squeeze the sap out of it. He rubbed the sap all over his body and then ran to the side of the boat. Standing there, dripping, he saw the destruction that was taking place all over the ship. HIM had started a whirlpool, also, and the ship had begun to spin toward its center. People all over were jumping overboard, only to drown or be scorched by the boiling water. Tchuck took a deep breath and dove overboard. He swam downward with all his strength, knowing that if he could reach the base of the whirlpool, he might be able to catch a current that would carry him to safety. Meanwhile, HIM was throwing fire and whipping the boat around like a toy in a bathtub. Tchuck had reached the vortex and had finally been swept away by a current. The sap had been melted away in some places, but he was unaware of the scorching pain that seared through him. His only concern was getting as far away from the danger as fast as he could. He surfaced and gasped for breath. He paused and turned around. His ship was entirely ablaze, and HIM showed no signs of tiring. Tchuck was sickened by the sight, so he turned again and swam for a shoreline.
HIM stopped the whirlpool. The fireballs ceased. All noise quit except for the crackling of the fire and the sobbing of the poor people. HIM decided that it was time to end their suffering. He motioned toward the heavens and proceeded to gather all of the power of the universe into a single, huge, swirling mass of energy. He then squashed it all down into a ball the size of a big egg. Or a small baseball. And he threw it at the ship. The explosion created was so incredible that I simply cannot describe it in words, but you can bet I'll try. The people on the ship were atomized immediately, and the force of the blast caused much of the ocean around the ship to be similarly decimated. A great abyss on the ocean floor was formed under the explosion, and the atmosphere was distorted so much that the entire planet was momentarily sent out of orbit. Tchuck was carried by a leviathan tidal wave all the way to Colorado, and that is where he eventually settled down to start a new life. He never told anyone who he was or where he was from, so the secret of Tschukland has been well-kept for hundreds of years. Someday, another explorer will inevitably find the island again, and he will surely marvel at the strange and wonderful artifacts there, but he will never return. For you see, THEM's punishment for his unauthorized acts was to guard the island forever. And to pass the time, he writes dictionaries. And what good dictionaries they are.