Welcome to the

Anti-Chris Page!

This page is my personal rebuttal to the fantasti-crappy reviews that our local paper features. These reviews are primarily written by one Chris Garcia, who attacks Spielberg every chance he gets, thinks that everyone cares what his high school years were like, and only gives favorable reviews if he gets taken to lunch by producers. I have a driving need to get some enthusiastically written (if not actually read) reviews out into the world, so read on... if you care!


Yes, I have seen the "Star Wars" prequel, and it was good! I know that everyone else is doing reviews, attacking George Lucas, and generally ruining the movie for everyone else... and why should I be any different?

Okay, I'll admit it: I, too, have seen "The Phantom Menace," and I feel as though I should get my two cents in. There is no possible way to have grown up watching the originals and not be moved to rehash, review, and discuss this movie ad nauseum. (For those of you lucky enough to have escaped high school Latin, ad nauseum means "until everyone around you vomits.") Let's face it: the reason we all went was not to see the special effects (although Ewan McGregor was very nice to look at), or even to re-live a tiny bit of out childhoods. No, there was a more cosmic reason; something greater than us all; something that drove us to stand in line for hours just to see the ticket counter with its bright orange "SOLD OUT" signs. Even as we waited in line for hours at the concession stand just to buy popcorn to sustain us during the wait to be seated, as we shuffled, ran, or stampeded into the theatre, even as we suffered shortness of breath at the THX demonstration, our national subconscious was at work, pushing us to our destiny. We just had to be there. We had to be one tiny infinitessimal speck in the sea of infinitessimal specks in the subculture of "Star Wars" in the vast universe. We wanted to listen to the brain tumor-inducing voice of Mary Hart on Entertainment Tonight telling us the gross for the first 24 hours, and stand up and say, "My $7.50 was a miniscule part of that huge amount of money that George Lucas absolutely does not need!" And, yes, that is what has finally caused many fans of the original to stand up and loudly proclaim, "It sucked!" I try to not give myself wholeheartedly over to such generalizing statements, so what follows is my personal view of the whole shebang, and what I, as a fan, reviewer, and moviegoer got out of the whole experience.

 

The hype is finally over, and I can honestly say that "The Phantom Menace" did not exactly live up to it. The film itself was fun, energetic, and imaginitive, but it was no comparison to the originals. Don't get me wrong, I still had fun, but it didn't inspire me to do much except go home and watch the first three. As a different movie, it should be viewed differently. It is now 22 years and counting since the first trumpets of the excellent John Williams score entered theatres. Did anyone really expect "The Phantom Menace" to be the same movie? I, too, fall into the trap time and time again, so I'll keep the comparison to a minimum.

The first and foremost thing "wrong" with "The Phantom Menace" was that it was stuffed too full of eye candy. I realize that this is, first of all, a '90's movie, and that unless a film is cheap, foreign, or stars Woody Allen, it is going to have to feature as many eye-popping computer effects as possible. This is not to say that the originals were as virginal as driven snow in the effects department, but back then the technology and viewers were both not used to such effects, and the effect, if you'll excuse me, was fascinating. Both Hollywood and the general public became enthralled with the technology, and the business of making summer blockbusters was born. But I digress.... After a recent viewing, my friend Katie pointed out that the foam-rubber puppets and latex-encased actors in the originals were a lot more realistic than Jar-Jar. This was true as far as I am concerned. The Mos Eisley spaceport band was much more entertaining because they were more lifelike. They actually existed in the same three dimensions as the human characters, and were therefore subject to the same rules of light and shadow. I was jarred by the way light and shadow did not affect Jar-Jar. It was unnatural, and more than a little disturbing.

Number two on my short list was the manner in which the actors delivered their lines. There didn't seem to be any real conversation going on. I felt like I was watching the first rehearsal of a play written by over-emotional teenagers. On top of the bad writing was the "Ohmigod! I'm in a Star Wars movie!" syndrome that seemed to affect everyone... even the puppets!

With the story sacrificed for eye candy and the not-quite-finished aura surrounding the entire film, I still have to give George Lucas credit for at least attempting to ressurect the ghosts of the originals. Fortunately there is enough in this film to warrant at least two viewings: you can catch all the stuff you missed the first time through, most special effect of all (Ewan McGregor), see the man whom Obi-Wan fails to mention in "Empire" when he tells Luke to go "find Yoda, the master who trained me," Samuel L. Jackson, Ewan, and Samuel L. Jackson.

As a reward for reading the whole diatribe, I'll tell you to visualize the Target kid as an evil six-year-old Anakin. Can't you just see the thick glasses uttering a high-pitched "Kill them all!"?

Austin Powers

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