This could have been much funnier than it was, but it never really
got started. In fact aside from the title I have to confess I didn't
have much idea what I was going to write about.
Originally Dave was
going to play somebody besides the John Carney character, but I decided
it'd be funnier if John Carney was in the show playing somebody else,
much like Jim Bouton playing somebody else in Ball Four. (You didn't
know there was a Ball Four TV show? Shame on you.... I think it
lasted about as long as QUARK)
Anyway, I finally got the idea to have the show revolve around a kid's
birthday party. Julia had just turned 3 and had a bunch of kids from
her play group come over for a party. While all the kids are sitting
around our back yard
a bumble bee landed on one of the kids and you
could see from his face he was about one "buzz" away from screaming,
which of course would cause the rest of the kids to start screaming
in terror as well.
Being the big brave father figure, I reassured him that
"It's ok,
bees are our friends" and I tried to get the bee to crawl
on to my plate, but the bee just started hopping from kid to kid
laughing to himself. I finally got the bee to crawl on to my finger
and lifted him up to show the kids that it was ok, it was just a bee
and there was no reason to be scared. (All the while I'm thinking
"This bee better not sting me because if he does I'm going to be
hard pressed not to start swearing at the &^@#!N& G*D_*&^$ bee
in front of a dozen kids") Unfortunately, while I managed to
reassure the kids that the bee wasn't going to sting them, they
decided "I want to play with the bee! NO ME! I get to play with
the bee first", so here I am with a bee on my finger and 12 kids
are trying to climb up me to get to the bee who is starting to wonder
what all the commotion is about and maybe I ought to warn them
somehow.....
I managed to convince the kids that the bee was better
off
in the garden and he was happy enough to go on his way.
I intended to add that scene into the story somewhere, but decided
it was long and tedious enough already.
Oh and other stuff that got left out....
Zane and Adam's science project was going to be called:
"Will it Flush?" (a bit of a take off of the educational science game
"Will it Float?" that dads everywhere have played with their kids in
the bathtub). The display was going to involve among other things
Harvey the Moose.
I'm also reminded of Laurie White recounting
the "Marshmallow Peep Olympics"
which involved one game where some
radio station
flushed different coloured peeps down the toilet
to see which colour would win.
(The toilet backed up and overflowed,
don't try this at home....well at least not at YOUR home)
The Billy Joel rip-off was supposed to be a lot funnier.
The Parliamentary Goose,
is my take on Dave's early band
"The Federal Duck".
Incidentally "The Creeping Peril" was
the title of the last Dave's World show
which apparently
never aired. It sounded close enough to The Phantom Menace
that I threw it in.
In one scene the kids were supposed to be watching TV while The Ed Rice Show is on.
I never got to do Cary Grant saying "Judi Judi Judi".
The "Ice Station Zebra" comment doesn't really belong in here.
I was supposed to use it in some other storyline, possibly
The Banner Years , but I can't
remember any more, and still haven't finished it.
It serves more
as a reminder to myself than anything else.
From carrie@ee.umanitoba.ca Mon Jul 12 15:44:20 1999
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry
Subject: Judi's World EPISODE I: The Creeping Peril
Organization: AFD_B Head Writer
Summary: in which Judi gets her own show and Donny Most appears nude
[ I've cut out a bunch of stuff from the posted article here.
But there was one part where I was commenting on my ego being
large enough to blot out the sun. ]
Also, I wasn't kidding about the sun, send me money NOW!
(Maybe I'll do this on January 1st. WAAAAH! The sun isn't Y2K-compliant,
why didn't anyone think to check????)
Enough with the old empty rhetoric and tedious one-liners,
let's get on with the NEW empty rhetoric and tedious one-liners.
Now, is it just me or is the "research department" getting more
exposure in the weekly columns lately? This increased marketing
hype surrounding the Research department could only mean that JSCTV
is releasing the pilot for their new summer filler show "Judi's World"
(EPISODE I: The Creeping Peril)
[Opening Scene: Judi typing at her computer]
[VOICEOVER]
If there's one thing I've learned in my many years of being
the research assistant for a pulitzer prize winning writer,
it's that people are for the most part mature and good. Of
course, none of these people ever seem to make up the
demographics of the people who READ humour columns. On the bright
side all the flakes are more interested in the writer than his
research assistant, so I never have to worry about getting dead
frogs in my mail or having Eric Seiden rooting through my garbage.
And best of all, if I start a sentence with the word "and" I won't
get irate letters from english teachers with nothing better to do.
[Enter son, Zanie Barry, reading over Judi's shoulder]
It's also nice to know that I never have to worry about being the
subject of a lame-ass comedy show.
Zanie : Mom, why is there a cameraman in our living room?
[Theme Song of Southside Johnny & The Parliamentary Goose
covering some Billy Joel song while opening credits roll]
Monday morn I checked your e-mail Adam Duritz
Tuesday I watched them blow up a whale ....
Then I called in sick on Wednesday Adam Smith
I was eating a big Turk Pamela "Hairy" Anderson
wasn't doing any work ....
and we all took off early on Friday Judi Smith
I've been reading mail from some wacko John Carney
who lives in South Ontario ....
Apparently they have 200 proof liquor Zanie Smith
He sent pics of humping chipmunks Jimmy Stewart
Canadian Tire cash and other junk ....
To trade for a Dave Barry bumper sticker Jefferson Smith
You may be nuts D*ve B*rry
I may be crazy ....
But it just might be the lunatics you're John Carney
writing for
Change your address
Unlist your number James Earl Jones
You may be nuts for all I know ....
they may be worse. Edward Rice
Remember when I started here Eric Seiden
you took me out for a couple beer ....
and warned me your readers were kind of strange Eric
Well I had a squeegee kid J.C. Penney
try and charge me for what he did ....
20 bucks and 38 cents change Me
Now think of all the readers who Barbara Billingsley
send bizarre articles to you ....
and other intersting things get sent along... Vi Grace
Like some peanut butter toast
and nude pics of Donny Most Today's Special Guest Star
And something resembling a Bong ....
The Two Thousand Flushes Guy as 2KFG
You may be nuts
I may be crazy
But it just might be the lunatics you're writing for
Change your address
Unlist your number
You may be nuts for all I know they may be worse.
[Scene 1: Judi's Kitchen]
Ed : Thank you for inviting me into your home Judi.
John: Yeah, I haven't sat around playing cards in a long time
Judi: It seemed like the easiest way to discuss what was happening.
Adam: What the hell am I doing here?
Judi: See, that's just it, everything seems strange today. It started
when my son Jeff noticed a cameraman in our living room.
Zane: I'm Zanie..
Judi: What?
Zane: I'm your son Zanie. He's Jeff.
Jeff: What the hell's he doing here?
Adam: Back off.
Judi: I don't hav...where's my daughter?
Zane: They thought it'd be better if you had two sons instead of one.
Judi: Who thought it'd be better?
Zane: The writers, they can't do dialogue for underage girls.
Ed : They can't do a lot of things for underage girls.
John: Is Stevenson writing this?
Judi: What?
John: I see what's happening here, they're making a TV show out of your life.
Haha, better you than me.
Zane: Hey, I resent that, although I'm not quite sure why.
Ed : Let's try and sort this out Judi, you're currently married
to Adam Duritz and you have two kids, Jeff and Zanie. You work
for Pulitzer-Prize winning writer John Carney at the Shelbyville
Times Gazette.
Adam: You know, Zane looks an awful lot like John Carney.
Jeff: Told you, you were adopted.
Zane: Waaaaah!
Judi: And who are you?
Ed : I'm your father....haha just kidding I love using that line.
Judi: Whew, for a minute there I thought my mom was in this.
Vi : I am.
Judi: Aaaaigh!
Ed : And yet something is wrong...
John: I'm guessing there's a strange disturbance in the fo..OW!
Ed : I'll do the Star Wars jokes. No, there's something missing.
We don't actually have a zany character.
Zane: Hey!
Ed : No, we need a complete nutcase whose sole purpose is to
look goofy or perpetuate a stereotype.
John: Maybe if you had a research assistant!
Judi: I am a research assistant.
Ed : Oh right....how about a research assistant assistant.
John: Not if I'm paying for it.
Judi: But I don't know anybody over-the-top zany.
Me : Does anyone own a red mustang?
John: Yeah, I do.
Me : 'cause it was dented when I got here.
John: You remind me of someone Zane knows.
Zane: Is it Jeff?
Jeff: I'm over here dummy.
John: What's your name?
Me : Me.
John: Yeah, you.
Me : No, that's my name.
Adam: Is this the zany part, cause I'm just confused...
Eric: Is this a private confusion or can I join in.
John: Hi Eric, who are you supposed to be?
Eric: I'm Eric.
Adam: See, now that made sense.
Eric: I'm his boyfriend [points at Me]
Ed : Me?
Eric: No, Him.
Adam: Aaaaigh!
Vi : Would anyone like some apple pie.
Me : A long long time ago....
Eric: I doubt anyone's going to recognize that reference in two months
Adam: Do you have cherry?
Judi: That's my mom you said that to.
Adam: OW!
Judi: OK, I don't mind if Me is the zany character with the dopey boyfriend.
But I absolutely draw the line at allowing you to make him into
a lollipop that I have to french kiss.
Ed : I don't know about you guys, but I could sure go for a
commercial break now.
[INSERT COMMERCIAL]
Hi it's me again, the Heaven's Gate leader reminding you to buy
"Y2K flushes", because you wouldn't want your toilet to not be
2000-Flushes compatible. Just because the rest of the world
is going to sh!t, doesn't mean YOUR house should.
Y2K-flushes, Your money back if not completely satisfied
(Offer Expires: 31/12/99)
[and now back to our program......]
[Scene 2: Judi's bedroom. Judi and Adam are lying in bed]
Adam: These are good lollipops...
Judi: oh shut up.
Adam: What's wrong, I thought having me in bed was a dream of yours.
Judi: Yeah but not in front of 20 million viewers.
Adam: hahaha 20 million viewers, dream on. Besides, it's not
so bad being on TV.
Judi: I have two sons now, not one, TWO!
Adam: You have to admit, it was an easy birth and we didn't have
to change diapers! Now Jeff has someone to play with besides himself.
[Director's note: Rewrite! Shoot that scene again]
Zane: Mom, Jeff's watching Ice Station Zebra again.
Judi: That boy and his pop culture references.
Zane: Mom, are you sorry you had me?
Judi: What?
Zane: Dad said I was a mistake.
Adam: No, you weren't a mistake, you were a typo, there's a big difference.
Judi: Zanie, even though I only met you this morning, you're
apparently still my son and I promise to treat you as such.
I'd be happy if you treated me just like all kids treat their parents.
Zane: Good because, my science project is due tomorrow.
Judi: What? Why didn't you tell us earlier?
Zane: I figured you'd be too busy planning my birthday party.
Judi: Birthday party?
Zane: Waaa, mom forgot my birthday!
Adam: Can you handle that, I have to take a whiz.
[scene 3: Judi's bathroom]
Adam: Hmmm, science project, what to do, what to do....
2KFG: Have you tried Y2K flushes?
Adam: Who said that?
2KFG: I did.
Adam: What are you doing in my bathroom?
2KFG: Sorry, we couldn't afford to waste money on TWO bathroom sets.
Adam: I always thought those commercials looked familiar.
2KFG: So, about this science fair, do you want help or not?
Adam: Sure.
2KFG: Ok well, there's an initiation ceremony....you might want to
read it over before you sign.
Adam: $150 for purple nikes? Couldn't your cult get sponsored by Keds?
[Scene 4: Judi's bedroom]
Judi: Well, I think I took care of that, mom's going to make a cake
and we can rent some kids from the Rosie O'Donnell show to use
as friends. But we need someone famous to show up.
Ed : Do you know anyone?
John: No.
Me : Me neither.
Adam: How about Milli Vanilli?
Eric: I met Jack Nicholson once?
Me : Really, where?
Eric: On the hood of my car with a nine iron.
Ed : I met Sir Alec Guinness once.
Me : Everyone has a brush with greatness story but me.
Of course that may just mean that everyone else goes around telling
stories about how they bumped into me.
Judi: Interesting theory, there's just one thing puzzling me.
Me : What's that?
Judi: What the hell are all of you doing in my bedroom?
Ed : I was on the kitchen stage, your closet leads right to it.
Judi: It does?
Eric: Frank in the conservatory with the lead pipe!
Judi: What?
Eric: Sorry, am I the only one having season finale flashbacks?
Ed : Hey, I've got an idea why not get a superhero to come
to the party.
Me : There's a costume shop on Washington Street, we can pick
up a costume there.
Ed : Oh right, the real guy would probably be busy.
John: Hey, can I wear it, I always wanted to be a superhero.
Ed : Plus, it'll make a quick column.
John: Exactly.
[Scene 5: Me's house]
Me : Ok John, I got the costume.
John: Great, let me try it on.
Me : OK here are your tights.
John: They're pink!
Me : Yeah, so?
John: So what kind of superhero am I?
Me : You're one of the X-men, the kids love the x-men.
John: Are you sure?
Me : Yeah, here take these...
John: What are these?
Me : They're your breasts.
John: What? Who am I again?
Me : You're Psylocke, she's a mentalist or something...
Eric: That'll come in handy if you're attacked with a spoon.
Ed : Watch pulitzer prize winning authour John Carney as he fights
Uri Gellar to the death.
John: Couldn't I be Superman or Spiderman or something?
Me : It's October 8th, do you know how many kids celebrate their
birthdays on October 8th? We were lucky to get a costume.
John: Who the hell is Psylocke anyway?
Eric: Look, here's her picture in a comic book...
John: Whoa! How does she fight crime? By encouraging La Leche?
Ed : Dear Justice League Forum, I never thought I'd be writing
you, but last summer there was a pool party at Wonder Woman's...
John: Well at least if I'm driving people won't be able to see
that I'm wearing pink tights.
Me : Wait before you get in the car, put your butterfly wings on.
John: Butterfly wings?
Eric: You'll have to open the sunroof and let them stick out a bit.
John: These things are eight feet long....I look like a gay Mothra.
Ed : I'm not tying your g-string.
Eric: Oh and you'll have to crawl into the backyard on your hands and knees.
John: Huh? Why does she do that?
Eric: She doesn't, that's just my own little birthday wish.
[Scene 6: Judi's Backyard]
Judi: Well, the kids party seems to be going ok.
Vi : Except that the kids all look like Billy Barty.
Judi: Here Zanie, why don't we call the X-Men on your new X-men
walkie-talkie?
Jeff: When did Barbie join the X-m..OW!
Zane: Y'know Alex got a Batman walkie-talkie....
cracklecracklecrackle..P-K4 Comrade Spasky...cracklecracklecrackle
[cut to Front Yard]
Adam: There's the signal.
[cut back to back yard]
[ John Carney enters from the left side of the house
Adam Duritz arrives from the right side of the house]
Judi: Look Zanie, here come the X-me....what the hell?
John: Hello everyone....
KID#1: Aaaaigh, it's Mothra!
Jeff: Oh no, Dad didn't get the P.K. costume.
Judi: You mean John didn't get the P.K. costume.
Jeff: I thought Dad said he was going to get the guy with the P.K. costume.
Adam: Roar! There's no need to fear......
KID#2: Aaaigh It's godzilla!
[John and Adam spy each other across the lawn.
There are two dozen kids in between them]
John: What the hell are you doing here?
Adam: It's my kids birthday party, what the hell are you doing
dressed up like a fairy?
John: I'm a butterfly newt-boy.
Adam: Hope you're wearing a cup.
John: Arrrrgh!
Adam: OOOOF!
John: BIFF!
Adam: KAZOWIE!
John: ZOT!
Adam: Stand Back, I have a spoon!
John: HA!
Kids: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Judi: OK, let's go over this once more.....
Me : Right, you're married to Adam Duritz, currently in the lizard
costume, and you have two sons, Jeff, not to be confused with
Me. and Zane who is currently crying for help into a pink and
white Barbie walkie-talkie. Your mom is about to start the
barbecue in order to flame-broil the dangling plot thread
known as Zane and Adam's science fair project, and I won't say
anything more about that than the idea was conceived in the
bathroom. You work for Pulitzer-Prize Winning writer John Carney
wearing a fetching little butterfly superhero costume and
have an assistant named "Me" who to make everything else seem
plausible by comparison, is dating Eric Seiden. Your backyard
is currently being over-run by 25 munchkins each of whom
will be traumatized for years to come by the battle waging
between a soccer mascot and a superhero likely invented by Christo.
The cameramen have been tramping mud all through the house and
Ed Rice has been dipping his fingers into the icing on the birthday
cake when you aren't looking.
Judi: So this show doesn't have a hope in hell of living beyond the
pilot episode does it?
Me: ummm, no.
Judi: Well then everything worked out perfect.
[CLOSING SCENE]
[Adam Duritz and the Y2K flushes guy are on a spaceship
somewhere in the vicinity of the Hale-Bopp comet]
Adam: Wow! Thanks for saving me from Mothra.
2KFG: You're one of us now, we look after each other.
Adam: Whew, and I thought you guys were just a bunch of crackpots.
2KFG: No, you can never be too careful when toilets are involved.
Adam: I meant the castration and spaceship thing.
2KFG: Oh....yeah...well marketing people are pretty strange.
Go figure. Anyway, we just have to slingshot around the
sun and we'll be on our way.
Adam: How long does that take?
2KFG: A couple of months, why?
Adam:[whisper, whisper]
2KFG: WAAAAH! The sun isn't Y2K-compliant,
why didn't anyone think to check????
[cue theme song, reduce end credits to microscopic font
squished over to one side of the screen]
J.S.C.
(Jeff's Screen Credits)
Return to the Theatre of the Imaginary