Ed Rice amuses me, and I don't say that about many people. (I don't call a lot of people complete idiots either, so perhaps being in an exclusive club isn't such a great thing after all) None the less, when Ed reached a certain milestone in his life (he turned 25 and he has a full head of hair and a bitchin' car) he deserved a spectacular tribute. But instead I wrote this. This is a follow up to a similar post featuring The Ed Rice Show back in 1997.
We interrupt breaking news of the Clinton trials for
this very special feature......
Live from Vienna, Virginia, Yeah, well we've never heard of this
"New York" place either, it's the Ed Rice 50th Anniversary Special!
DA!-da-da-dada DA!-da-da-dada dada-da-da-dada-da-da-dada.....
IT'S The Ed Rice Show! Starring......Ed Rice!
Today Ed looks back at some of the very special guests from
the last 50 years of the Ed Rice show! Why come up with something new
for the holidays when we could just package a retrospective....
Also starring Rocky Frisco and The Rock Butt Leftovers.
and now a man who can only improve over the next 50 years....... Ed Rice!
[canned shot of crowd which contains Eric Seiden, Ed's dad and as always,
the Little Green Sprout. The applause sign flashes causing the LGS
to clap and Eric to stare open-mouthed at the pretty flashing lights.
Ed's dad lights a cigarette]
Ed Rice: Thank you, thank you. Wow! 50 years of doing the show.
We've certainly grown over the years. In the early days
hardly anyone owned a tv set and now this show is seen
by dozens of people.
Tonight, rather than come up with a bunch of lame jokes
and have everyone end up in prison, or some poor plot
device like that, we've culled together the highlights
of over 50 Years of lame jokes and poor plot devices.
But first let's have a big hand for our bandleader Rocket
J. Frisco.
[fanfare]
Rocky : Wow! 50 Years?
Ed : Yeah, and you know what makes them even more special?
Rocky : What's that Ed?
Ed : Beats me, I was hoping you knew.
Rocky : Nope.
Ed : So, anything you want to share with the audience?
Rocky : Nope.
Ed : I think the secret to longevity in TV is good writing.
Rocky : Yeah, that must be it.
Ed : Yep, good writing.
Rocky : Yep.
Ed : Never a dull moment.
Rocky : Yep.
Ed : Ok well let's start by looking back at that very first show...
[start clips....]
[December 1948]
Ed's dad: OK, so voting for the Dixiecrats wasn't my best move,
but Storm Thurmond will be back, make no mistake...
Nurse : Mr. Rice, there's someone here to see you.
Ed's dad: Really? Do we have time to show the clip of Tojo
getting hanged? After commercial...? Ok who's
our first guest?
Nurse : It's a boy!
Ed Rice: Hi Dad!
10-year-old: Hi Dad!
Ed's dad: Who's the 10-year-old?
Ed Rice: That's Rocket J. Frisco, he's my bandleader, let's
give him a big hand!
[Ed's dad smacks Rocky]
Rocky : Ow!
[November 1951]
Ed Rice : My next guest is controversial authour, Jerome David Salinger
whose new book "The Catcher in the Rye" has garnered some
bad press. Jerry welcome to the show.
Salinger: Hey, thanks for having me on the show, I've been trying to get
on TV for a while now.
Ed Rice : Really, you always struck me as a private kind of guy.
Salinger: No, that's my twin brother, J.D. he hates TV.
Ed Rice : You have a twin brother? Can he write?
Salinger: No, all through high school English he'd just copy
my homework and try and pass it off as his own.
He tried writing some short stories, but they're all crap.
Ed Rice : Sorry Jerry, there's some sort of problem with the boom mike,
it's right above your head, can we get a tech, to OH MY GOD LOOK
[ATTENTION: We interrupt the "Ed Rice Comedy Cavalcade" to bring you this
special report. The NATO council meeting in Ottawa, has
resulted in both Turkey and Greece being invited to join NATO
next year, Albania has been told to "Go suck eggs" more
news this evening with Lorne Greene. Now back to the
program already in progress]
Ed Rice : Well, nothing to worry about here, I guess J.D. Salinger
is just a lonely guy and he doesn't like attention..let's
go to a commercial
[June 2, 1953]
Ed Rice : Wow it's not every day we get to see an English Monarch crowned.
We're here outside St. Paul's Cathedral and I've just been
handed a note saying the coronation is in fact taking place
in Westminster Abbey, What the F[ATTENTION: We interrupt the
"Ed Rice Comedy Cavalcade" to bring you this special report.
One ounce of Special K with four ounces of milk is a great
start to any day, and beats the snot out of those crappy
Weetabix any day. Now let's see what they're showing on NBC]
[July, 1957]
Ed Rice: My next guest has just finished filming his new movie
"Jailhouse Rock, let's have a big welcome for Elvis Presley...
[Applause]
Welcome to the show Elvis,.
Elvis : It's great to be here.
Ed Rice: We're all shook up about you being here.
Rocky : Hi Elvis!
Elvis : Ain't you that kid cycling around my house all the time?
Rocky : Yeah, that was me!
Elvis : Where the hell's my newspaper?
Rocky : $2, I want my two dollars!
[November 1963]
Ed Rice: It's a cold day here in Dallas, people are lining up to
see the president. It's a perfect day to play "Ed's practical jokes!"
[APPLAUSE, Laughter from audience]
OK, the president will be passing by any minute now.
There's a lady in a babushka over there, I bet she's
going to be pretty excited about seeing the president.
I see she has a camera....ok here's the joke, after she
finishes taping, Rocky and I are going to tell her we're
from the CIA and we'll see if she lets us take her camera.
Then we'll take the camera into the men's room and replace
her film with some footage of the studio toilet flushing.
[APPLAUSE, Laughter from audience]
Ok here we go, there's the president's limo, there's some
sort of fireworks display or something....probably a stunt
being pulled by the local Caravan Club, it's getting pretty
noisy here. and...excuse me miss....
Babushka Lady: Yes..
Ed Rice: Hey! it's Jeff Carrie.
Jeff Carrie: Hi everyone!
Audience: Hi Jeff!
Rocky : Haha, jokes on you Ed!
Ed Rice: What the? You mean you guys set me up? Oh man,
I didn't see that coming at all. Wow! This has been the
best episode of "Ed's practical jokes yet..."
[Laughter from Audience, Sirens in background...]
[February 1964]
Here they are, those four young moptops....The Beatles.
[Rocky cues musicians]
Lead Singer: Well I can tell by the way you talk
and I can tell by the way you walk
That you have must have a ten inch cock
Ed Rice: What?
Lead Singer: So let me hear your knickers knock
Oh I say it's ok, that you and I are gay
but they say no way, so there, what the hey,
let's go and play and I'll do what you say
at the YMCA, if I hear the way
If I hear the way your knickers knock today...
Ed Rice: Cut! Cut! What the hell is this? you people aren't the Beatles!
Lead Singer: No, we're the "Peatles"!
Ed Rice: I'm very sorry ladies and gentlemen, I can promise
you, they'll never be back on our stage again...
[March 1964]
Ed Rice: Ladies and gentlemen, Malcolm X.
[Applause]
Ed Rice: So you've started a new radical group.
Malcolm X: Make no mistake Ed, we are living in a war zone.
I have had it up to hear with the idea of restraint.
It is time for action! The injustices of this world
must end. The idea that a chocolate chip cookie
should win a Betty Crocker bake-off is unforgiveable.
I and my followers have come up with a chocolate
souffle that is to die for.
Ed Rice: Mmmm, this is good.
[July 1967]
Ed Rice: Welcome to Ottawa. Canada is now 100 years old today,
and I'm standing here with Canada's pied piper: Bobby Gimby
Bobby G: Welcome to Canada Ed.
Ed Rice: You've written an anthem for the centennial, can you share
a little with us.
Bobby G: Sure Ed, you can help us with the chorus...ready?
let's sing it.... Ca-na-da
Ed Rice: Ca-na-da
Bobby G: Ca-na-da
Ed Rice: Ca-na-da
Bobby G: Ca-na-da
Ed Rice: Ca-na...is there anything else to the chorus?
Bobby G: No that's about it.
Ed Rice: Can I sing one of the verses instead.
Bobby G; Sure.....I said na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na,
na-na-na, na-na-na.....Ca-na-da......
[20July, 1969]
Ed Rice: Ok, I understand we're going to get a sound feed
to the Eagle in just a few minutes. Do we have
the radio link? We do, ok..
Radio : sting..1.2.3...
Ed Rice: Thanks for talking to us Mr. Armstrong.
Can you hear us ok?
Radio : roger, over
Ed Rice: This is a proud day for Americans everywhere, is there
anything you'd like to say to listeners everywhere...
Radio: roger, Ca-na-daaaaa
Ed Rice: Dammit Gimby!
[August 1974]
Ed Rice: So what you're saying is, you had no knowledge of what was
happening at the Watergate Hotel. How could anybody in such
a high profile position act so blatantly stupid?
Forrest Gump: Stupid is as stupid does Mr, Rice.
[......end clips]
Ed Rice: Wow, that was fun, our next set of clips show some of the
changes in format we went through. There was the morning
show "Rice and Shine" with Kathie Lee Gifford.
Rocky: My favourite was the late night show "Da Ed of the Night"
where you told Carson you were going to kick his ass in the
ratings.
Ed Rice: ha-ha, yeah, well Johnny's a good sport. Now shut up
or I'll show some clips from your spin-off show
"Barnaby Jones Jr."
Rocky : I'll be good.
[start clips....]
[March, 1980]
Ed Rice: So Kathie-Lee, what are you doing for Easter?
Kathie: Well, we all know that Barnaby the Christmas Elf
hasn't gotten his fat-ass out ot pull down the
Christmas lights, so Barnaby won't be getting any
for some time.
Ed Rice: He's had his last supper then.
Kathie-Lee: Let's just say, that every Sunday will be Palm-Sunday.
Ed Rice : And how long have you been married to Eric Sei..I mean Barnaby,
the Christmas Elf.
[January 1982]
Ed Rice: Well let's go to Quebec City for another update from
the Olympic Winter Games....with my mom...
Ed's mom: Hi Ed.
Ed Rice: Hi mom, how are things in Quebec?
Ed's mom: Well, there's still fallout from the Boycott of the 1980
Summer games, and sure enough the Americans have followed
Canada's lead and boycotted the games in Quebec. So there
are a total of two countries competing, Quebec and the Congo.
Ed Rice: Really, the Congo?
Ed's mom: They've managed to bring in quite a few Silver medals, but
the real story of these games is Rene Levesque, the plucky
young boy whose been charming everyone and today he raised
his total to 172 gold medals.
Ed Rice: 172??
Ed's mom: The latest medal came in the men's figure skating,
his technique was a bit shaky, but his expressive movements
and colourful body language was enough to cut a blue streak
through his closest competitors.
[May 1984]
Rocky: Here he is the star of "Da Ed of the Night", Ed Rice
with his Mega-hit "Ed to Billy Joel"
Ed Rice: [singing]
Hawley Smoot, squirreled away
Roger's socks killed JFK
boogers, loogies, duct tape
chuckletrousers post
Flaming Pop tarts, exploding whales
guest appearance on dave fails
here's an arbitrary reference
to donny most
I didn't fart, you liar
But we did have hairspray
and a barbie roller blade
I didn't fart, you liar
But your songs were so lame
that we had to flame and flame and flame.....
[November 9, 1989]
Ed Rice: So here we are in Berlin, the wall is apparently going to be
coming down. This of course means that the U.S. and Canada
will now share the world's longest undefended border...and
look at that, the sign to the city now reads "Kitchener",
the Canadians have already made a peace offering by changing
the city name from Berlin to Kitchener...ok, we're driving
through the streets, and they seem rather deserted at the
moment...., I don't see any signs of a wall, I hope we're
not too late to join in. I was told that Al Capone has left
something in the cornerstone and we were hoping to open that
on live TV....
[June 1994]
Ed Rice: Well it was good to see you again. That was a surprise visit.
Thanks for being on the show O.J.
O.J. : No sweat, I'm just killing time until I get back to the west coast
Ed Rice: And what have you got planned for tonight.
O.J. : I'll probably just go out and shoot some golf balls or something.
Ed Rice: Ok, well you have a great flight home..O.J. Simpson everyone..
watch, the corner of the desk, there's a sharp edge
O.J. : OW! My finger.
Ed Rice: I've got a band-aid here....
O.J. : Oh man, I ripped my new gloves.
Ed Rice: No Sweat, I'll take care of that for you...Hey Rocky.
Rocky : What?
Ed Rice: I'm going to borrow your gloves ok...
[November 1997]
Ed : Next on our show the ever popular Fresh Prince of Poppin',
the Pillsbury Doughboy
Pillsb : Yes, racism runs rampant in advertising, everyone is so concerned
with image and bright vibrant colours that appeal to the consumer
that the little white guy doesn't have a chance. The Snuggle Softness
bear inevitably committed suicide by drinking his own product and I
don't think I have to tell you about the sh!t that Scotties little
softie has to put up with.
Ed : But being a toilet paper spokesman isn't that his job?
Pillsb : Well it's not easy, but the recent tragedy with the Snuggle bear
and the revelation that the Jolly Green Giant used to be white
have prompted me to promote my new book "White Like Me" and I
wanted to appear on TV to talk about issues which are important
to the intellectual crowd and not just some fantastic sensationalist
groups which dominate the media.
Ed : That's fascinating. So I heard you're gay, is that true?
Pillsb : Well there is a special someone in my life, and he's
in the audience tonight.
Ed : Well let's invite him down, why not introduce him?
Pillsb : Thanks, things have been rough at the commercial studio and I couldn't
have made it through the tough times without my closest companion,
the love of my life, Eric Seiden.
[Dec. 18 , 1998]
Ed Rice : So Tom, and I have started a little contest
Tom Green: That's right, I've inserted a cell phone inside the
corpse of this dead raccoon and I'm going to dial the number
and one lucky audience member will be allowed to reach in
and pull out the phone for a chance to win a cruise...
[......end clips]
Ed Rice: OK well it's almost time to go, but let's bring out one last
guest. Here he is, fresh off the success of his new release
"Carrie Monsters", Ziggy Starbucks(tm) himself, Jeff Carrie.
[audience gets up to leave as credits start to roll...]
Jeff Carrie: Hey Ed, glad I could make it.
Ed Rice: I'm glad you're here too. Y'know every year
at this time I come out and sing White Christmas
and even though I've heard the song a million
times, somehow, every year the song sounds new.
Jeff Carrie: Yeah, you really should learn the words some time.
Ed Rice: Maybe next year, so just this once, I'd like to sing
something new.
Jeff Carrie: Sure thing, hit it Rocky....
You've got a friend in me
Ed : You've got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
Jeff: And a whale has just been ex-plo-dead
Ed : And it smells worse than ol' Mr Ed.
Jeff: You just remember what your young pal said
Boy, You've got a friend in me
Yeah, You've got a friend in me
Ed : You've got a friend in me
Jeff: You've got a friend in me
Ed : You've got troubles, and I've got 'em too
Jeff: There isn't much I wouldn't do for you
Ed : But you won't sucker me in to help moving you
You'll have to move your stuff with a skidoo
Yet you've got a friend in me
Jeff: Yeah, You've got a friend in me
Jeff: Some other folks might be
A little bit humbler than I am
Ed : Funnier and handsome too
Jeff: I highly doubt it
Cos' none of them will ever bug you
The way I do, It's me and you, boy
Ed : And as the years go past
Jeff: This friendship can hardly last
After this you'll probably kick my ass
Jeff: But you've got a friend in me....
Cher: We've got you babe
Jeff: You've got a friend in me.....
Cher: We've got you babe
Jeff: You've got a friend in me....
Bobby G: Ca-na-daaaaaaaa
Jeff: You've got a friend in me....
Ed : Merry Christmas Everyone.
[END]
Return to the
Theatre of the Imaginary