For some reason (lack of imagination maybe?) I decided to write a sequelto The Ed Rice 50th Anniversary Show that I wrote back in 1998. That episode was a follow up to The Ed Rice Show which I swear was original comedy way back in 1997. This episode was entertaining for the Cliff Richard parody based on one of Dave's favourite songs "Louie Louie". It also reminds me of a time not long ago when I could sing EVERY song to the tune of "Sundown" by Gordon Lightfoot. I don't know why I don't highlight that on my resume, you have to figure anyone reading that would be a little tempted to call me for an interview.
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* * * *
* * The Management and Staff at JSCTV * *
* * would like to wish everyone at AFD_B * *
* * a very Happy Holidays. Best Wishes to * *
* * all of you as we enter the year 2000. * *
* * A toast to happiness today, a promising * *
* * tomorrow, and fond memories of lost friends. * *
* * * *
* * Love, * *
* * * *
* * The Grinch. * *
* * * *
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And now JSCTV interrupts your insidious spam replies,
uninspired cut-and-paste material, Simpson references
and tedious one-liners to bring you the following
pointless holiday drivel......
Live from Vienna, Virginia, Yes Vienna, there is a Santa Claus,
it's the Ed Rice 51st Anniversary Christmas Special!
DA!-da-da-dada DA!-da-da-dada dada-da-da-dada-da-da-dada.....
IT'S The Ed Rice Show! Starring......Ed Rice!
Today Ed welcomes some very special holiday guests.
Cliff Richard will be here promoting his new Album,
"Please God, I'm desperate for a hit single".
Martha Stewart will be here to show us how to make
holiday ornaments that look like lumps of clay, bits
of paper and kraft dinner held together by bird shit
even though she appears to be holding something MUCH
prettier. And of course what Christmas show wouldn't
be complete without a visit from St. Nicholas.
Also starring Rocky Frisco and The Rock Butt Leftovers.
and now a man who knows if you've been naughty or nice
and pays accordingly....... Ed Rice!
[Shot of crowd which contains Mike Yetto and Scott White playing cards.
Mike and Scott have been in the crowd for the last 12 weeks playing
WAR, each of them has about 26 cards two of which are kings.
Eric is sitting with his back to the stage, on the stair in front of
him is a strawberry coloured iMAC with a bright orange power cord
trailing off the side of the bleacher seats. A very large drunk is
splayed out across a couple of rows. At the front of the theatre,
Ed's dad lights a cigarette. Ed has a new maroon coloured curtain
set up in the theatre in front of which he does his introduction. ]
Ed Rice: Thank you, thank you. Wow! Has another year gone by already?
I think this was one of our best years yet, certainly in the
top 50 anyway....and just to make sure we end the season on
a high note I'm gonna light...oh shit, that's right we have kids
here tonight, I'm going to have to watch what I say.
Rocky : That's right there are kids here today.
[Ed's dad turns his head to look over his shoulder first turning
to the left and then to the right, he stares extra hard
at the back of the theatre, just in case he missed somebody]
Ed Rice: News out of Canada where a young boy mailed his two
page christmas wish list to Santa Claus, and was shocked
when he received a reply where Santa referred to him as
"a greedy little boy". Canada Post contacted Santa
and apparently Santa has sent a second letter to the boy
apologizing for that remark. However, Santa was not willing
to retract the comment about how on Christmas eve he "didn't
want to see any more fruitcake left for him by you snot-nosed
little bastards"
[silence from the crowd]
Ed Rice: Ok, well tonight we have a great show lined up,
in celebration of the holiday season we have Martha Stewart
Mike : YEAH! Whoo-hoo!
[Mike's King has just crushed Scott's seven of spades]
Ed Rice: She'll show us how to make some christmas decorations.
Also on the show we have Cliff Richard.
Scott : ALL RIGHT!
[Scott's Jack of Clubs beats Mike's Ten of Diamonds.]
Ed Rice: Cliff has a new hit single celebrating the millennium
and he'll sing it for us tonight.
Mike : Yes!
[Beats me, maybe Mike likes Cliff Richard...]
Rocky : Maybe Cliff will sing one of his other hit songs.
Ed Rice: Sure that'd be great, maybe he could sing....ummm
Rocky : He had that big hit back in the early 80s called
ummmm
Scott : HA! IN YOUR FACE!
[Scott's Queen of Hearts beats Mike's Jack of Spades]
Ed Rice: "In your face", that's right, I love that song.
Ed's Dad: YOU SUCK!
Rocky : No, that was Nils Lofgren wasn't it?
Ed Rice: We have the Teletubbi...oh wait....
[checks the teleprompter]
....no I'm sorry they won't be here.
Scott : AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
[Scott's Jack of Diamonds has just been beaten by Mike's
King of Diamonds ]
Rocky : It's ok kids, it's probably just a mix-up.
Ed Rice: Apparently, they were
[Eric slaps the side of his iMAC,
the teleprompter flashes]
in a large room
with black and white tiles laid out in an 8x8 pattern. There
is a door to the north. What now?
Rocky: What?
Ed Rice: [continues to read teleprompter] OPEN DOOR
Rocky : Which door?
Ed Rice: It is locked. OPEN DOOR WITH KEY. You do not have the key.
What now?
[Rocky seems confused. Eric hits the keyboard to his IMAC, the
teleprompter flashes again. Ed starts to ad-lib]
Ed Rice: I know lots of you were expecting the Teletubbies would be here
for the show and I'm sorry to say they ditched us for a chance
to be on the Toller Cranston Christmas Special, but that's ok,
we've arranged to have Santa Claus himself and he'll be dropping
by with some Christmas gifts for the kids.
Rocky : We have?
Ed Rice: Sure we have....says so right here...
[Ed scribbles note on an index card
Judi -- Find some guy to be Santa
get some kids and wrap some gifts]
Hey look I think I see Santa there!
[Rocky turns head, Ed flings index card off stage]
Rocky : So no teletubbies?
Mike : AWWWWWWWWW!
[Hopefully referring to the card game]
Rocky : It's ok kids, don't cry, Rocky knows one of the teletubbies.
Mike : YEAH!
[Again, hopefully referring to the card game]
Ed Rice: So while we wait for Santa, let's have a big hand for
our bandleader Rocket J. Frisco.
[fanfare]
[Rocky is busy scribbling something on the back of some sheet music]
Ed : Making out your Christmas list there Rocky?
Rocky : Just a quick note to one of Santa's elves.
Ed : Apologizing for your behaviour at the Christmas party?
Rocky : Hey look there's Santa right there.
[Ed turns his head and Rocky fires the note offstage]
Ed : OK, well I think we've wasted enough time, let's bring out
our first guest. Star of her own show on one of those
lame ass channels I had to order as part of the package
with the Discovery Channel, Martha Stewart.
[Martha Stewart walks on stage through the maroon curtain.
There is a RIPPPPPing sound as we see Judi tearing part of
the curtain away]
Ed : Welcome to the show Martha.
Martha: Thanks, it's great to be here. I like what you've done
with the theatre. The bleachers and that scent of old
sweatsocks, gives it a real high school sock-hop feeling.
Ed : Plus the lack of anyone actually dancing.
Well, I see you have a craft table set up, what are we
going to do today?
Martha: Well, since this is the holiday season, I thought we
could make a lovely centrepiece for the dinner table.
Here's one that I made.
Ed : Wow, and you sell these for $9.97 at Wal-Mart.
Martha: [nervously] ummm, no, that must just be some paper mache...
Ed : Ok so how do we start?
Martha: Well first we have some clay
Ed : Yep, prime Manitoba gumbo, right here in the bucket.
Martha: So, we want to mold the clay, just right, so it
has a nice hillside topography, like so...
Ed : Mine looks like a giant moose doot.
Martha: Then we take some brush and twigs to create a
little bowl shape, sort of like a little nest.
Rocky : Couldn't you just use a bird's nest?
Ed : This way we get to use our own saliva, for that
personal touch.
Martha: Now, we take the candles and insert then into the clay.
Ed : Should you ever actually light the candles? I mean
I'm guessing moose poop isn't something I want to heat up.
Martha: Now for a snowy effect....hmmm, I was sure I had some cotton balls
Ed : Some gray whiskers would do.
RIPPPPP!
Rocky : OUCH!
Ed : It'll grow back.
Martha: Now I'll just spray it with some lacquer....I'll just
put mine below the craft table so you don't get sprayed
and when I raise it back in view of the camera, you'll
see that it looks like a beautiful christmas centrepiece.
Ed : Which you can buy at Wal-Mart for $9.97
Martha: That wacky paper mache, it gets everywhere.
Ed : Mine still looks like a giant moose doot.
Rocky : but with candles.
Ed : Ok thanks Martha, our next guest comes to use from England
where he's topped the charts with his new song to
commemorate the millennium. His #1 song knocks the Beatles
down to the number 2 position, ladies and gentlemen
Cliff Richard.
Scott : Whoo-hoo!
[21 of spades, beats Mike's 18 of clubs. Methinks
one of them might be cheating]
[Cliff Richard walks on stage, again we hear a RIPPPP!
as Judi adjusts the maroon stage curtain]
Ed : Hey Cliff, good to have you on the show.
Cliff : Thanks, have you bought my album?
Ed : Well we have a promotional copy
Cliff : Does that count? Someone probably paid money for it right?
Does it count as a sold record?
Ed : I don't know, Rocky does that count when you're keeping stats
for Gold Records?
Rocky : If it does, you're getting a million of my promotional albums
for Christmas
Ed : OK, Cliff's new album, "Please God, I'm desperate for a hit single"
has a complete millennium theme. I gave it a quick listen and
a lot of the songs are familiar. The one entitled "January 1st,2000"
sounds a lot like 'Pennsylvania 6-5000' excluding the title of course,
there's only one small difference from the original.
Rocky : Which is...
Ed : It sucks.
Cliff : Hey!
Ed : Ok so tell us a bit about the song you're singing tonight Cliff
Cliff : Well in order to do something special for the millennium,
I decided that it would be a good idea to take the Lord's prayer
and update it, make it more accessible to today's youth. I
though this would be something I could contribute to the world.
Ed : And you could make a fast buck doing it.
Cliff : Exactly.
Rocky : Ed Zachary.
Cliff : Sorry?
Rocky : nothing, go on.
Ed : So how did you update the lord's prayer for modern times.
Cliff : Well, the new year is upon us, and I realized that all
over the world...or at least the parts of the world where
they have money to spend, people will be singing a song
whose lyrics they don't actually know the proper words to.
So I decided to take that tune and use words to the lord's
prayer instead.
Ed : So instead of just mumbling incomprehensible lyrics,
people will be able to sing along....great, let's hear the song
Cliff: Lordie Lordie, whoa whoa me gotta go now
a fine little father he wait for me
he art in heaven for eternity
hallowed be his name-o whoa whoa whoa
thy kingdom come a go-go go
thy will be done mo mo mo
lordie lordie who whoa-whoa me gotta go now
i-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
on earth, right here, me think I see
just like in heaven oh yessiree
This day I dream he give to me
daily bread and jam strawberry
Lordie Lordie, whoa whoa me gotta go now
i-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
He see me trespassing from up above
but he forgive me in the name of love
and me even forgive ol' paperboy
traipsing on my garden's pride and joy
Lordie Lordie, whoa whoa me gotta go now
i-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
me see temptation by light of the moon
deliver me from some sinning soon
thine is the kingsmen, power and glory
forever and ever, but me in purgatory
Lordie Lordie, whoa whoa me gotta go now
a-men a-men men men
Ed : We'll be right back with Santa after these words from
our sponsor
Next time see if he can sing "In your face"
[cut to commercial, Ed checks in with Judi, she has assembled
a group of kids from the local 7-11 and hastily wrapped some
gifts. Ed's dad has been talked in to wearing the Santa suit.
He's still holding a cigarette.]
2KFlushes Guy: Hi, it's me, the leader of the Heaven's Gate cult
asking you if your toilet is Y2K compliant.
Just in time for the holidays, we've added three
festive colours, Amityville Red, Sewer Back-up Green
and my personal favourite Puke, because hey, it's the
holidays, your bowl was going to be that colour anyway,
it might as well be prepared.
Ed : Hey, we're back, and the show wouldn't be complete without
a bunch of precocious children getting visited by Santa.
And here they are now, welcome to the show kids.
Hi little boy, how are you?
Kid #1 : I'm fine.
Ed : So, who are you?
Kid #1 : It's me dad, your son.
Ed : Hey Randy, glad to have you here.
Kid #1 : Danny.
Ed : Whatever.
Kid #2 : When do the teletubbies get here?
Ed : What's your name sweetheart?
Kid #2 : Lizzie Goldberg
Ed : and you're what seven years old?
Kid #2 : No, I'm 17 and my dad's a lawyer, so you'd
better get the teletubbies out here pronto
Ed : Oh look everyone, here comes Santa
[ Ed's dad walks on dressed in maroon curtains with some
white cotton puffs taped on to his coat and some
more glued to his face]
Kid #3 : Waaaah, Santa's scaring me.
Ed : Welcome to the show Santa.
Santa : This show sucks.
Ed : That's quite the suit....maroon isn't it?
Santa : Ultra-maroon if you ask me.
Ed : Well thanks for coming on such short notice.
Santa : Thank you for agreeing to repaint my house and wax my car
Ed : Wha....Well, what do we have for all the kids today Santa?
Santa : It sure beats th...oh here's a sack full of toys.
Step right up Danny.
Kid #1 : Hi Santa.
Santa : Hello Danny, Santa has a pair of rollerblades for you.
Kid #1 : WOW!
Ed : What?
Santa : I've given them to Mr. Rice,
Ed : You have?
Santa : He'll give them to you after the show.
Now for you Lizzie...
Ed : Here you go, [Ed pulls one of the gifts out of the bag
and unwraps it for her] it's a beautiful holiday centrepiece.
Kid #2 : $9.97! How come he got a pair of rollerblades.
Kid #3 : I think Santa secretly hates you.
Kid #4 : Hey where's my gift Santa?
Kid #5 : Me next! Me Next!
Santa : What's your name little boy?
Kid #4 : Mike.
Santa : And how old are you?
Kid #4 : Fifty.
Ed : Yetto, Scott what the hell are you doing here?
Santa : Let's see what Santa has for you...
Ed : Here you go....[Ed grabs and unwraps...]
Kid #4 : Tampons?
Kid #3 : Waaaah, Santa's scaring me.
[Ed looks offstage. Judi points to her empty purse]
Santa : Who's next?
Kid #5 : Somebody else.
Kid #3 : She can have mine [points to Liz]
Kid #2 : I want the teletubbies and I want them right NOW!
Rocky : Don't worry kids, Uncle Rocky said he'd get you
the teletubbies, here's one of them now.
[ The drunk from the crowd has been dressed up in a maroon suit
much like the one Ed's dad is wearing, except for the cotton balls.
On his head is the moose-doot centrepiece. He is babbling
and smells of cheap liquor]
Ed : Which teletubby is THAT?
[Rocky whispers to the drunk who belches a cloud of green fog
and mumbles something at Rocky]
Rocky : His name is YO-MAMA
Ed : What?
Rocky : [thinking quickly] uh...KA-KA, his name is KA-KA.
KA-KA : He' kydz wha ya go so fas get ad rink ya louse bum
Ed : Ladies and gentleman Bob Dylan.
Kid #3 : Waaah, Santa's evil twin is scaring me.
Santa : Well let's see what we have in the bag for you
Kid #6 : 2000 Flushes?
Santa : I hope you like it.
Kid #6 : It smells like someone puked.
[Voiceover of Y2k Flushes guy]
The Ed Rice Show has been brought to you by 2000 Flushes
Because where Crap goes, we go.
Kid #7 : Hi Santa.
Santa : Hiya kid, Merry Christmas
Kid #7 : How come you don't Ho Ho Ho?
Santa : What?
Kid #7 : You know Ho Ho Ho, like the real Santa.
Santa : The Real Santa?
Kid #3 : Waaaah, the Ed Rice Show manipulates children
Santa : That's ok, my mom says you're just a nice man in a red suit.
KA-KA : Ho, ya stinkin ho' i don' need YOU see, coz
I got a red soot SEE and everbahdee luvz a guy in a red SOOT.
Ya nuthin but a HO, a HO HO HO
Kid #3 : Waaaaah, sexual repression in teletubbies leads to
a lack of self-esteem, a confused sexuality and
deep-rooted anxieties that sometimes manifest themselves in
the neandrethal tendency to treat women like objects.
[pause]
.....and I wanted a Pokemon video game.
Santa : It's ok, look ho ho ho, I'm sure I have a video game in
the sack here somewhere.
KA-KA : Waddya got inna sac hunh? ya gotta drink inna sac?
c'mon waddya got inna sac?
Santa : If there's a drink in here I'll split it with ya.
[Santa and KA-KA start rooting through the gift bag, most of the gifts
consist of stuff from Judi's purse, a compact, a half package
of juicy fruit, some handcuffs inscribed "Deputy Glassburn".....
other presents are form the 7-11, several kids get hot dogs.
KA-KA opens a bic lighter and lights the candles on the centrepiece
still affixed to his head. Kid #3 is still wailing, Kids #4 and #5
return to their card game. Eric Seiden continues to play interactive
fiction on his iMAC, although Mike trips over the orange extension cord
causing sparks to fly and the teleprompter to start spewing out
encrypted data files. The moose doot hat is starting to reek.
Santa opens up a present and finds a video game!]
Santa : Look! A video game! Merry Christmas Everyone!
Kid #3 : BLIP!?? What the hell is BLIP?
Santa : Ho Ho Ho...
Kid #3 : Trademark 1977? Waaaaaaaaaah!
Finally at the bottom is a bottle Santa cracks it open and starts
downing it before passing it to KA-KA ]
Ed : Well, it's been another great show, and before we leave
I'd like to wish everyone a happy holidays and gather around
to sing White Christmas. Thanks for tuning in and we wish you
all the best in the new year.
Hit it Rocky....
a louie louie who whoa me gotta go now
A white little christmas I dream of she
just like the ones I know from history
where treetops glisten and the kids all pause
to hear those sleigh bells from Ol Santy Clause
a louie louie who whoa me gotta go now
i-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
Christmas, that's white, I'm dreaming of
with every card that I sign with love
May your days be merry and bright
christmas day, well, I hope it's white
a louie louie who whoa me gotta go now
i-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
[Everyone joins Ed under the tree, Kid #3 has stopped crying
and Santa and KA-KA are hugging each other and swaying.
Martha Stewart is decorating the artificial tree with
decorative ornaments, most of which look like moose doots.
Scott and Mike tear their cards into confetti and toss them
in the air. Even that Scrooge Eric has joined the chorus
and chows down on a hot dog. The 2000 flushes guy hands
out little hockey pucks while Ed's son tears around on
the rollerblades Santa brought him for Christmas.
Rocky and Cliff Richard jam]
All : a louie louie who whoa me gotta go now
i-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
Christmas, that's white, I'm dreaming of
with every card that I sign with love
May your days be merry and bright
christmas day, well, I hope it's white
a louie louie who whoa me gotta go now
Kid #3: God Bless us everyone!
Ed : MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[fade]
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