You know you belong in afd_b when you start getting flamed by me.
You know you deserve much much better things than belonging to afd_b
when I start being nice to you.
One of the few people I'm nice to is Ed, of course it's only because he'd buy me beer. Still, if anyone deserved his 15 minutes of fame it's Rocky Frisco. Ed just kind of rides on his coat-tails. Clips from this show were featured in The Ed Rice 50th Anniversary Show .
Ed's Humanity Recognized:
>
> -- Ed "When are my fifteen minutes scheduled?" R
Starting .........NOW!
DA!-da-da-dada DA!-da-da-dada dada-da-da-dada-da-da-dada.....
IT'S The Ed Rice Show! Starring......Ed Rice!
Today's special guest stars include Ann B Davis, the pillsbury dough boy
and Ed's mom. Also starring Rocky Frisco and The Rock Butt Leftovers.
and now a man with only 14 minutes and 17 seconds left....... Ed Rice!
[shot of crowd which contains Eric Seiden, Ed's dad and the
Little Green Sprout. The applause sign flashes causing the LGS
to clap and Eric to stare open-mouthed at the pretty flashing lights.
Eric's dad lights a cigarette]
Ed Rice: Thank you, thank you. It's great to be here tonight on the....
what network is this? The CBC? I'm being paid up front
for this right?
Ok, so we have a great show lined up for you, when I
was younger, she was always the woman of my dreams. From
the Brady Bunch, Ann B Davis is backstage and she should be
ready in Five Minutes.
[shot of silent audience, Eric is still staring into the lights]
Also on the show, a brave individual who has written
a new book exposing some of the bigotry that exists
in the world of colurful advertising gimmicks. Let's
give a big poke in the tummy to the Pillsbury dough boy.
[maniacal clapping from the Little Green Sprout]
And finally a section of the show we call
"Stupid Parent Tricks", my mom will come out and explain
what to do with all those apples leftover from Hallowe'en.
But first let's have a big hand for our bandleader Rocket
J. Frisco.
[fanfare]
Rocky : Did you have a good weekend Ed?
Ed : Yeah y'know I did. I went to one of those medieval
dinner shows where the combatants dress up and joust
with those big long sticks and afterwards they fight
to the death, while you sit around cheering them on
and eating with your hands.
Rocky : And were your guys victorious?
Ed : Yeah, Gretzky scored with a minute left, the whole
place went nuts. What were you up to Rocky?
Rocky : Played a couple of gigs, had a good time.
Ed : Wow! So you still play gigs, I wasn't expecting that.
Rocky : Well what did you expect in a piano player, some sort
of wimpy guy from Thunder Bay.
Ed : Yeah, something like that.
Rocky : I think he writes scripts for low rated usenet newsgroups now.
Ed : Ok well let's bring out our first guest, from such memorable
shows like the one where Marsha takes Driver's Ed and Peter
takes Home Ec and they have a contest to see which one does
a better job and to decide the competition they dress up and
joust with big long sticks and then have a fight to the death
while the rest of the Brady Bunch cheer them on and eat with their
hands, here's Ann B Davis.
[Eric still entranced by the applause sign]
Ann : Hello Ed, thanks for having me on the show.
Ed : Glad you could make it Ann.
Ann : Well I don't like to do tv appearances anymore.
Ed : Oh really why is that?
Ann : Well, tv has become so sensationalistic lately and I'm
always worried that I'll get scheduled with some less
savoury acts. It wouldn't really be fitting for people who
have fond memories of me to see me on stage with a Howard Stern
or Marilyn Manson or even worse Donny Most.
Ed : Well that's very thoughtful of you.
Ann : So much of show business is image and I want to stay as
far away from controversy as possible.
Ed : That's very commendable.
Ann : Thank you.
Ed : So, I hear you're gay.
[Ann B Davis slaps Ed and storms off stage. ]
Ed : Ann B. Davis everyone, let's hope she can make it back soon.
[ LGS claps, Ed's dad puffs on cigarette, Eric watches as applause sign
flashes on and off, he starts to clap but stops when the light flashes
off, repeats this sequence every time the light flashes]
Ed : Next on our show the ever popular Fresh Prince of Poppin',
the Pillsbury Doughboy
[maniacal clapping from LGS, Eric still confused by applause sign.
Ed's dad is checking for ear wax]
Pillsb : Thank you, everyone, you're too kind.
Ed : Glad to have you here doughboy. [pokes doughboy's stomach]
Pillsb : hoo-hoo, careful Ed, I just ate.
Ed : Oh sorry PD, how are things with you?
Pillsb : Not bad, of course it isn't easy slaving over a hot stove
everyday; that's why I like doing the tours and the promo work.
Ed : But even that has its downside.
Pillsb : Oh sure, it's not easy being a celebrity and having people
you've never met assume there is some special bond between you.
I swear I'm gonna kick the ass of the next guy who comes up
and pokes me in the stomach. Plus there's all the burden of
being a minority trying to make a living in the coloured
world.
Ed : So you've written a book?
Pillsb : Yes, racism runs rampant in advertising, everyone is so concerned
with image and bright vibrant colours that appeal to the consumer
that the little white guy doesn't have a chance. The Snuggle Softness
bear inevitably committed suicide by drinking his own product and I
don't think I have to tell you about the sh!t that Scotties little
softie has to put up with.
Ed : But being a toilet paper spokesman isn't that his job?
Pillsb : Well it's not easy, but the recent tragedy with the Snuggle bear
and the revelation that the Jolly Green Giant used to be white
have prompted me to promote my new book "White Like Me" and I
wanted to appear on TV to talk about issues which are important
to the intellectual crowd and not just some fantastic sensationalist
groups which dominate the media.
Ed : That's fascinating. So I heard you're gay, is that true?
Pillsb : Well there is a special someone in my life, and he's
in the audience tonight.
Ed : Well let's invite him down, why not introduce him?
Pillsb : Thanks, things have been rough at the commercial studio and I couldn't
have made it through the tough times without my closest companion,
the love of my life, Eric Seiden.
[shots of Eric in the crowd, Ed's dad claps, there is a shout of
"You suck Seiden" from the LGS, then the theatre lights dim and brighten]
Ed : Hey look everyone a surprise guest!
It's the ghost of Andy Warhol
[The ghost of Andy Warhol appears]
Andy W : I have returned from the dead where I bring
mystical secrets...whoooooo.....and I'll sell them to you
for only $29.95 whoooooooooo and if you act now
I'll explain whodunnit.
Ed : We did that bit last month.
Andy W : Oh sorry, everyone forgets to send the re-writes to
the spirit world, what script are we using?
Ed : November 11
Andy W : Can't believe I forgot that. What's my cue?
Ed : Hey look everyone a surprise guest!
It's the ghost of Andy Warhol
Andy W : Thanks Ed, I hope you don't mind me dropping into the show
Ed : No that's ok, we'll reschedule my mom for another night.
[Boos from the studio audience. A shout of "You suck Ed" from
Ed's dad ]
Andy W : I'm afraid your 15 minutes are up Ed.
Ed : What? No, you can't cut me loose now, I'm just
hitting my stride.
Andy W : 15 minutes Ed, that's all you get.
Ed : No, you've got to give me more time.
Andy W : Sorry Ed, it's not my decision, a far greater power
is at work.
Ed : Elvis?
Andy W : No Ed, the Canadian Government. Thanks to cuts to the CBC
we could only afford 15 minutes of film.
Ed : Well I have a message for the Canadian Government!
They can't just cut funding to the arts! How can they
claim to be promoting Canadian Culture?
Andy W : You're from Virginia Ed.
Ed : Quebec was traded to the States for Alaska, Virginia and a
Dakota to be named later.
Andy W : Oh good, I hope we traded Mount Rushmore
Ed : What's wrong with Mount Rushmore?
Andy W : It would look better if they were all George Washington
Ed : Anyway, as I was saying, if they try to cut funding
the show I will personally FLIP
FLIP
FLIP
FLIP
FLIP
FLIP
FLIP
FL....
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