>From jcarrie Fri Jun 6 09:33:19 1997
Distribution:
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry
Followup-To:
From: carrie@ee.umanitoba.ca (Jeff Carrie)
Reply-To: carrie@ee.umanitoba.ca
Organization: The right side of my brain
Subject: AFDB Season Finale (1/3)
Keywords: goin' to the chapel....
AFDB episode #2038 (SEASON FINALE)
Where AFD_B knows your name.
[VOICEOVER]
alt.fan.dave_barry is posted before a live studio audience.
[Scene 1: Bull&Finch Pub]
John Carney: Well I never expected to see this day.
Brett Doehr: What, where two guys get married in usenet?
John Carney: No, the season finale. I thought those idiotic writer's strike
posts were going to go on indefinitely.
Jack Parker: Hey look it's Mike.
Roger Hunt : What do you say to a beer Mike?
Mike Yetto : I swallow.
Ed Rice : Hey Yetto that sure was some stag party you set up.
Jack Parker: No kidding, boy when you look back on bachelor life
you want to be able to remember at least one night
of wild uninhibited pleasure.
Brett Doehr: Man, all those girls, especially suzee,
boy she's been around eh?
Ed Dravecky: I've got a headache, those things were heavy!
Roger Hunt: WOW! I don't think I'll forget that bachelor party
in a million years.
Rocky Frisco: Hey, do ya think we should have invited Eric?
Mike Yetto : I'm sure someone'll tell him about it.
[opening theme song]
Posting away in usenet today
Takes everything you've got;
Inside Jokes from other blokes
all have to do with snot.
Don't you wish they'd go away?
All those jerks with their quips and quirks
showing off their smarts
Rollerblade barbie, underwear flambe
chuckletrousers and pop tarts
An obscure reference to Donny Most
Sometimes you want to post
Where everybody acts like Dave,
And they always use duct tape;
You want to post where you can boast,
you've got three brain cells at most;
You want to post where everybody acts like Dave.
Exploding whales and other tales
won't get you mentioned in the alt FAQ
But write a ditty to the nominating committee
then try and get him in the sack
Well it might have worked Miss Jett
Just be glad there's one place on the net
Where everybody acts like Dave,
And they always use duct tape;
You want to go where people know,
People are all depraved;
You want to go where everybody acts like Dave.
Where a.f.d_b acts like Dave,
And they always seem depraved;
Where a.f.d_b acts like Dave,
And they always use duct tape;
(fade out)
[Insert Garden Weasel Commercial here]
>From jcarrie Fri Jun 6 09:34:41 1997
Distribution:
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry
Followup-To:
From: carrie@ee.umanitoba.ca (Jeff Carrie)
Reply-To: carrie@ee.umanitoba.ca
Organization: the right honourable side of my brain
Subject: AFDB Season Finale (2/3)
Keywords: and we're gonna get married....
[Scene 2: FOYER]
Meredith : Boy this is the first wedding I've ever been to that had
a theme song.
Carolyn : This is nice. The last wedding I attended had a
'Dukes of Hazzard' theme.
Scott W : Umm, that was a TV show. We really have to work on your
concept of reality Carolyn. Don't you think so Darla?
Carolyn : Uhhh who is Scott talking to?
Cindy : Just nod and give him an empty smile.
Trish : Yeah, pretend you're the bride.
Dan C. : Boy check out the building, there's a billiard room, a
conservatory, a library, heck even a ball room.
Jon Grimes: All right! I knew I was going to get some action.
Pat McK : Gosh this looks familiar, have you ever been here before?
Ellen C. : It looks so familiar, who owns this place?
Trish : I haven't a clue. Some body's I guess...Oh look there's JonG.
JonG : Hi everyone, you can put your coats in the library and
(ferret) your gifts in the study. Be sure to sign the guest book.
[Scene 3: LIBRARY ]
Trish : Wow! What an ornate guest book. Where are we supposed to sign?
Pat McK : Over there, right under the line that reads
`Pay to the order of....'
Jon Grimes: I don't see many coats in here.
Dan C. : Maybe he meant put your Keats in here.
[disapproving glancers]
Dan C. : Oh, like your lines are oh-so-funny.
Ellen C. : It's like 80 degrees, who would wear a coat on such a hot day?
Janie : Wow! It's freezing out there. We never have such cold
days in Tucson.
[Scene 4: STUDY]
Scott W : Boy it sure was tough shopping for these two.
Meredith : Yeah the phone lines to order the garden weasel were jammed,
I settled for the ginsu knives.
Scott W : I got him a package of balloons, look I took a black marker
and wrote SUCKER all over them. Pretty neat eh?
Cindy : What? how old are you, 12 and a half?
Scott W : Hey be lucky you didn't buy them the new ACDC album.
Gary F : Do they really have new albums or is it the same record
with a new cover?
Jon G : I got them tools, you can never have too many tools around.
Janie : (looking around) Sez you!
Dan Tapp : That looks like the wrench from your tool set.
Jon G : I didn't know we were supposed to bring gifts.
Gary F : So let's check out the rest of the house.
Dan Tapp : This must be the hall they're having the ceremony in.
Cindy : Yeah, the arrow with the word "Ceremony" was my first clue.
[Scene 5: HALL]
John L : Hey look there's Rick Haan!
Rick H : Hi guys.
Erika G : Is that a lead pipe in your pocket?
Rick H : Nope it's a trebuchet.
John L : Wow! Must be tough to find pants.
Rick H : Yeah, but I can hit the urinal from anywhere in the house.
Erika G : There's Allen Lindsey playing his organ.
Nicole : I've noticed that it's really high pitched.
Erika G : There aren't too many people in here, what's the deal?
John L : Oh the bride is still having her picture taken.
Even in a wedding dress it's hard to get a shot of her
that doesn't look like David Letterman.
Jeff C : Is it time for the wedding? Huh? How are we doing on time?
How much time have we got?
Nicole : I think everyone is hanging out in the lounge.
Erika G : Speaking of hanging out.
Rick H : Oh man, this thing takes forever to zip up.
[Scene 6: Lounge]
Pat W : Let me tell you, I came just for the thrill of throwing
things at the wedding party.
Patricia: Oh I forgot my rice at home.
Pat W : Who said anything about rice?
Frank : You can share some of my very own squid fried rice, if you
didn't bring any of your own."
Patricia: Geez, Frank you look like you grabbed takeout on the way over. And
all the rice in there looks like it's been cooked.
Frank : Of course it's cooked. Who would bring raw rice to a
wedding?"
Ed Rice : aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaTHUD!
Rick H : Sorry. Just practicing.
Frank : "Do you want to throw some of the saffron kind?"
[Scene 7: DINING ROOM]
Tim Schmelter: Hey the table assignments, let's see where we're sitting.
Scott Gregory: Table 7? Aw I wanted to sit in the choo-choo.
Tim S : Aw nuts, Table 2038. I'm always the last to eat.
Cindy : Boy check out the buffet table.
Ellen C : Darn, they have it roped off.
Janie : I like the little THIS MEANS YOU DAN CLEMMENSEN signs,
that's a nice touch.
Trish : Still, it's nice that they have hosts wandering around
with appetizers,
Scott G : Man what a horrible job, what did these guys do to
deserve a job like this?
Jon G : Hey Marv Albert! I was wondering what you were up to now.
Marv Albert : Sorry this is O.J.'s table.
Trish : Can you believe the nerve of that guy?
Ellen : No kidding, enough with the OJ jokes already.
Carolyn : These little cocktail rats-on-a-stick are just delectable.
The flaming pop tarts are a nice touch, too.
Jon G : Hey there's Jen, I hope she brought some of her famous
butter turkey.
Scott W : These green mini marshmallow peeps they hid under the
table are delicious.
Patricia : Do you want to tell him, or do I?
Erika Grams : No, no, let's see if he thinks this coaster is a moon pie.
Trish : I'm amazed we went this long without saying the word "booger".
Ellen : Or "Hawley Smoot Tariff".
Scott W : Wow these crystal goblets of Royal Crown Cola sure reflect
the sparkling bubbles. Look at me I'm giddy!
Pat McKenna : Speaking of giddy, I wonder what's going through Eric's mind.
[Scene 8 ]
Eric : I don't believe this.
There must be a bathroom in this place somewhere!
Oh well, I guess this is as good a place as any.
[rustle rustle]
Hey, I didn't know you were invited....!
[Scene 9: KITCHEN]
Dan C : Mmmmmmm, smell that stew.
John C : Hey how come Roger Hunt never showed up.
Kay : This is the first stew I've ever smelled that
reeked of Old Spice.
Mike Y : Hey are these Parker Rolls here beside the moose meat?
Rocky F : Those sure are attractive little cupcakes, is that chocolate
sprinkled on top?
Jen : Sorry, it's a secret family recipe.
Carolyn : Did I shave my legs for this?
Nancy D : Who invited the dopey looking guy and the guy in the
godzilla costume?
F Gump : Wowee, look at all the shrimp!
Gustibeast: RROARRR! ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga arimasu.
(ROARRR! I love shrimp! Of course to me you are all shrimps!)
Kerry Y : AAAAAIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
( AAAAAIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!)
Rocky F : Do you ever get the feeling you missed out on something.
Cindy : Hey check the program, I want to see how long this is going to be.
Scott W : Remind me to leave before the consummation...
Jen : No that's the menu you're reading, we're having consomme.
Scott W : When's the Chicken Dance?
Mike Y : Quick let's get back to the HALL, they're done taking
pictures with the gap toothed fre...uh, the bride.
Carolyn : How brightly the bride's father's shotgun glows! It's simply
breathtaking!"
Kay : Wait a minute, that's not the bride's father.
Mike Y : It looks sort of like....
Carolyn : Dad!
[C's dad is played by Ernest Borgnine]
: Dis sho duz bring back mammaries of yer wedding thar Dakota.
Carolyn : I'm Carolyn.
Dad : Awe shucks, sorry Carolyn, this shore duz remind me of summin.
Scott W : Carolyn? Dakota? are you all named after states?
Carolyn : Yeah, could be worse though, my brother's known as L'il Rhodey
and I have an Aunt Show-me.
Allen L : I don't suppose you have a sister named after Oregon.
Dan C : Wow the hall sure is nicely decorated.
Scott W : Who picked the colours Ray Charles?
Janie : Why? Don't you like them?
Scott W : Which liturgical season is orange and mauve?
Kay : Well Eric's catholic and Jeff's pagan, so they settled for
a cross between easter and hallowe'en.
Trish : That would explain the foul smelling cauldron in the kitchen.
Jen : Hey that's stew.
Mike Y : This is easily the weirdest wedding I've ever been to, I
don't think it could get any weirder.
Stephen King: Yeah, could someone tell me where the band sets up.
Mike Y : Over in the ballroom, across the hall. Anyway, like I was saying....
[Scene 10: BALLROOM]
Dan Tapp: Hey check out the wedding cake.
Meredith: I didn't even know Dunkin Donuts could do such detailed work.
Carolyn : I'll just cut a piece off the back, no one'll notice.
Brett : I've always wondered if these little bride and groom figures
were anatomically correct.
Patricia: Are you sure Jeff's pagan, it looks like he's jewish.
Brett : Hmmm Eric's side must be cheesecake.
Nicole : I don't want to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know....
Dan T : I'm sure things are a lot more sane in the billiard room.
Cindy : There's Shikaripura. At least her conversations are apt
to be a little more sophisticated.
Dan C : Oh is that what she looks like, I thought she was that Urkel kid.
Shikaripura: I heard that, don't make me come over there.
Cindy : What's going on?
Shikaripura: Mike Steele is giving a scientific demonstration.
Patricia: With his pants down?
Dan C : Oh is that what Mike looks like, from my viewpoint I thought
it was Ted Kennedy.
Mike S : And if you think that's neat, I've got some of the bride's hairspray
and look what happens when I run Rollerblade barbie over my butt.
Cindy : Now this is educational!
[Scene 11: BILLIARD ROOM]
Janie : Ooooh check out the table, I haven't seen this much green felt
since I was a bridesmaid.
Ellen : Green is a nice colour.
Janie : Ever asked a salesperson to dye your shoes booger-green?
Ellen : You mean today?
John C : Do you play pool Scott?
Scott W : I didn't have my hands in my pockets!
Jon G : That's true, they were in his nose, I'll vouch for him.
John C : No, I mean, do you shoot pool?
Scott W : Oh sure occasionally, when I'm not hunting snipe...
want to see my pistol?
Trish : That old line...
Janie : Oh my god! He's serious, he has a gun!
Scott W : Relax, I don't even know how it works.
John C : OK, what say you put it down and hold a stick...NO That's not
what I meant!
>From jcarrie Fri Jun 6 09:39:58 1997
Distribution:
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry
Followup-To:
From: carrie@ee.umanitoba.ca (Jeff Carrie)
Reply-To: carrie@ee.umanitoba.ca
Organization: the right honourable and hip-hoppin'est side of my brain
Subject: AFDB Season Finale (3/3)
Keywords: that gum you like is going to come back in style
[Scene 12: HALL]
Kristin : It's nice that we can all get together like this. We don't get
to share many special moments.
Carolyn : Is it too late to get in on the divorce pool?"
Kay : I've got October 8th.
John L : Wait a minute, everyone has October 8th!
Scott W : Oooooo, here comes the bride now....Awwwww, couldn't he at
*least* put a shirt on?"
Mike Y : Dummy, it's bad luck for the groom to see the wedding
dress before hand.
Trish : I thought it was bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.
Kristin : Only if the bride is Shelley Duvall.
Carolyn : Oh nice line, I would have picked Dennis Rodman, but what do I know?
Jeff C : Hey do ya wanna buy a monkey?
Maria : Hey, how come I only get one line?
Jon G : You're lucky, I have to tell everybody how much I love Duran Duran.
Trish : I still don't see why Eric is marrying HIM, I mean I know
all the words to Schoolhouse Rock _AND_ all the Milton Bradley
board game themes.
John L : Well think about it, Monty Hall, David Steinberg, Doug Henning,
I guess there's just something attractive about Winnipeg.
Lisa B : Come to think of it, Jeff is in Ottawa now and so is Alanis,
it's just so, so.....
Mike Y : Ironic?
Lisa B : No, that's not it.
John L : If anyone is going to be ironic around here, it's me!
Heck, I'm from Winnipeg too.
Trish : Winnipeg? I'll bet it's more like Mini-peg.
Erika : Shhh, I think she..I mean he heard you. He's coming this way.
[Jeff leaves hall]
Scott W : (whispering) I don't get it.
Jen : Mini-peg, she's referring....
Scott W : No I get that part, I wrote it. But what's Enos doing with
Gilligan? I thought he was marrying Daisy?
Jen : Gilligan's standing in for Jeff until the Garter Belt toss at the
reception.
Scott W : Oh garter toss, I thought it was a gator toss, what with
Eric being from Florida and all.
Dan C : I hear the Euchre is off too.
Scott W : I really like the plaid motif the groomsmen are wearing. Not only
does it bring out the brown of their eyes, but
it also goes quite well with the untucked flannel shirts and
backwards baseball caps of the bridesmaids."
Gary F : I didn't know you could get pantyhose with the Red Sox emblem on them.
Dan C : What's the deal with Eric wearing a paper bag. I thought the bride
was supposed to wear the veil?
Pat McK : Hell I was hoping the bride was wearing a veil. A black hood
would have been optimal, but I would have settled for a veil.
Erika : Maybe the groom wears paper and the bride wears plastic.
Trish : I hope it's a long ceremony.
Erika : Oh wait I just figured it out, Eric is really the unknown comic....
Trish : I think he heard us, look Eric is walking this way.
[Eric leaves Hall]
Scott W : If I could walk that way...
ALL : MOANNNNNNNN!!
Scott W : Oh right, you're just jealous because I got to say it first!
Janie : Well good if he's finished with pictures, they must be almost
ready to start.
Trish : Can we move down a couple of rows, I don't like the looks
of the ushers.
Cindy : Yeah they look kind of weasely sniffing around like that.
Guido : Akchooaly ma'm we happens to be membuhs of da ferret family.
ain't dat right vic?
Vic :
Guido : Vic don't like to say much.
Jon G : He likes Duran Duran too eh?
Guido : Hey it's ok to cry at weddings Vic.
Vic :
Cindy : Hey look there's Christin, geez she's dressed morbidly.
Kristin : Yeah, I think she had a crush on Eric.
Trish : I thought she had crush on Ferret-boy.
Ellen : No, that was a headlock. I was hoping the wrestlemania
card was still on.
Kristin : Don't worry if you want a cat fight, I'll get you a cat fight.
Pat W : I didn't think Snagglepuss and the Pink Panther were invited
after that scene outside Jeff's work.
Ellen : Hi Christin...
hmmph! she didn't say a word to me, she's taking Eric's
wedding harder than I thought.
Cindy : There's Rocky! We must be ready to start.
Trish : Yep, there's Kay and Mike, and Nicole and John are ready.
Rocky : Before we start the proceedings...
Carolyn : "I object!"
Rocky : Not yet, Carolyn, I'll give you your cue.
Kristin : That hussy, So that's why she wanted in on the divorce pool
Carolyn : Who said that?
Kristin : It wasn't me it was her. (points to Christin)
Carolyn : Do you want to step outside?
[Christin remains silent]
Carolyn : I'll take that stony silence and evil grin as a yes!
Hey don't walk away from me!
Kay : Geez Carolyn, do you really think you should mess with an undertaker?
Carolyn : So you do want to step outside eh?
Good, take my car keys, have the valet run you down in the
parking lot. You can't miss it, it's the Hillman Minx
[Christin leaves passing Harold Stevens and Joseph Nebus]
Harold : Hi Christin.
Joseph : Hi Christin...
Harold : Get a load of that, she didn't say anything, she just
walked past, mouth closed, with an evil grin on her face.
Joseph : Maybe she's been spending too much time in the chat rooms.
Nicole : She's not really going to get your car keys is she?
Carolyn : No they're right....aw nuts I left them in my coat, be right back.
[Carolyn leaves, passing Scott White addressing some guests]
Scott W : Hey there, assorted afdb female-type guys. I'm the deflower boy...
so, you wanna, you know, stop and smell de roses, ifyaknowwhattamean?"
Frank : Oh so what, now you're two-timing on me?
Shik. : Take it easy Frank .
Jen : It could have been worse, Jeff lives in Ottawa, he could
have said tulips.
Trish : Whatever he asks, do NOT pull his Pistil.
Kay : Did he try that line on you too?
Frank : I am not going through with this.
Scott W : Oh don't make a scene!
Brett : No go ahead, we've still got about 15 minutes of air time left,
we could use the filler.
Rocky : Don't just stand there Scott, go get him. We can't start
the wedding without him.
Scott W : I figure if I pause dramatically we can kill an extra 20 seconds
of air time.
[Dramatic Pause before Scott leaves passing Jen and Mike]
Mike Y : So anyway about the alt FAQ, are you working on it or what?
Jen : I wrapped it up and left it on the gift table. I'm hoping Eric
won't notice he got it back.
Mike Y : You didn't put it in a manilla envelope did you?
Jen : Yeah, why?
Mike Y : Damn! I thought it was money! I picked up the envelope and
put in my coat.
I'd better go hunt it down.
Jen : That reminds me, I'd better check on the stew in the kitchen.
Kay : Hey Yetto, where the...geez now he's gone too!
Where the heck is Eric. He should have been here by now.
Rocky : Relax he's probably just enjoying his last few moments
of bachelorhood.
John L : Isn't Baywatch over by now?
Jon G : I'm renting my tux by the hour, he'd better show up soon.
Kay : I'll go get him.
[Kay leaves passing John and Nicole]
John L : Aw nuts, I've got a run in my stockings.
Nicole : You must be mistaken, the Red Sox don't get very many runs.
John L : I'll be fine; could someone just throw me a roll of duct tape.
[several rolls get thrown from the congregation]
John L : OW! OW! OW! Quit it, did everyone bring Duct Tape!
Brett : I thought they were playing Rocky Horror. I'm ready
for the toast to the bride.
[still more rolls being tossed]
John L : Stop throwing Duct Tape already!
Ed Rice : aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaTHUD!
Rick H : Sorry. Just practiscing.
John L : Are you ok?
Ed Rice : Obviously not, or I wouldn't be here with the rest of you loonies!
Trish : Well where is everybody?
Rocky : Allen, just play some music while we wait for everyone.
Janie : I don't know, the whole bridal party seems to have disappeared.
Allen : Sure, any requests?
Trish : I'd like Jon to disappear too!
Brett : I think everyone went to look for Eric.
Allen : No, I meant musical requests.
John C : Ha! I knew it, Chicken!
[Allen begins playing his organ]
dunh-da-da-da-da-dunh
dunh-da-da-da-da-dunh
dunh-da-da-da-da-da
dunh! dunh! dunh! dunh!
Pat McK : Oooh where's Scott? It's time for the chicken dance!
Erika : Can we get going with the wedding already. Can't we just use
Ferret Boy and Janie as proxies? I won't tell anyone if you won't.
Rocky : Relax, I can get them back.
Allen, play the fanfare.
Patricia : Wow, sounds a lot like the Dickie Dee cart.
[back doors burst open, most of the missing guests arrive]
Kay : oooh oooh can I have a rocketsickle
Frank : do you have any dingbats??
[a hush falls over the cast]
Frank : Wow, it's like you guys never saw a straight line before
Nicole : Well Jeff's ready and everyone else is here. You can
start the bridal march.
[Allen begins playing]
Allen : Though Geraldine played hard to get uh-huh huh....
Kay : Wait a minute, we're still waiting on Eric.
Jon G : Look everyone, under the banners of King Richard the Lionheart!
John C : That's not Richard the Lionheart's banners, that's Lowenbrau.
Jon G : It's.........
[more dramatic pausing]
Dave Barry: Stop! I forbid this wedding to take place, unless of course
I get to kis...ewwww! unless I am permitted to give away
the bride.
[But suddenly a startling discovery had been made by Jen]
Jen : AAAAAAAAAAAAIGHHHHHHH!! The squirrels have gotten
into the cheese dip.
[Of course everyone ignored her when Mike Yetto announced]
Mike Y : Oh my god, Eric Seiden is dead!
Carolyn : Well this is going to be generally regretted.
Kristin : On the bright side we already have an undertaker.
Nancy D : But who killed him? and where? and with what?
Kay : That reminds me, 'Killing me softly with his song'
I hate that one too!
Rocky : It must have been one of us, but....who?
TO BE CONTINUED
(don't you just hate that folks?
Guess we'll all have to wait until the new TV season)
*******************************************************************************
About the authour:
When not getting married in USENET, Jeff Carrie lives in Ottawa with his
wife and daughter. His first short story "Meow Meow" was largely ignored
by critics, who considered the work "juvenile".
An embittered four year old Jeff retaliated that his kindergarten teacher
wouldn't recognize an homage to the musical CATS if it bit her in the ass.
Jeff continues to speak in the third person and only appears to have
too much time on his hands. In addition to his afd_b duties as the
nominating committee for the Alt.FAQ, he also maintains the daily
feature "Sigfile Follies", although he concedes that it no longer runs
as a daily feature but "whenever the hell I feel like it".
carrie@ee.umanitoba.ca
http://www.ee.umanitoba.ca/~carrie
*******************************************************************************
Back to The Sigfile Follies Back to The Theatre of the Imaginary
Maintained by Jeff Carrie.