WARNING!: I had to find these on Usenet and sure enough Chapter 4
doesn't seem to be out there, so if anyone has a copy,
can you please send it to me.
AFDB Season Premiere (1/5)
AFDB episode #2038-A (SEASON PREMIERE)
Who Killed Eric Seiden?
[VOICEOVER]
alt.fan.dave_barry is posted before a live studio audience.
[Narration]
well last time you may remember.....
[Scenes from Jeff and Eric's wedding in the season finale ]
Dan C. : Boy check out the building, there's a billiard room, a
conservatory, a library, heck even a ball room.
Jon Grimes: All right! I knew I was going to get some action.
Dan Tapp : This must be the hall they're having the ceremony in.
Cindy : Yeah, the arrow with the word "Ceremony" was my first clue.
Scott W : Wow these crystal goblets of Royal Crown Cola sure reflect
the sparkling bubbles. Look at me I'm giddy!
Pat McKenna : Speaking of giddy, I wonder what's going through Eric's mind.
Eric : I don't believe this.
There must be a bathroom in this place somewhere!
Oh well, I guess this is as good a place as any.
[rustle rustle]
Hey, I didn't know you were invited....!
Kristin : It's nice that we can all get together like this. We don't get
to share many special moments.
Carolyn : Is it too late to get in on the divorce pool?"
Kay : I've got October 8th.
John L : Wait a minute, everyone has October 8th!
Dan C : What's the deal with Eric wearing a paper bag. I thought the bride
was supposed to wear the veil?
Pat McK : Hell I was hoping the bride was wearing a veil. A black hood
would have been optimal, but I would have settled for a veil.
Erika : Maybe the groom wears paper and the bride wears plastic.
Trish : I hope it's a long ceremony.
Harold : Hi Christin.
Joseph : Hi Christin...
Harold : Get a load of that, she didn't say anything, she just
walked past, mouth closed, with an evil grin on her face.
Joseph : Maybe she's been spending too much time in the chat rooms.
Erika : Can we get going with the wedding already. Can't we just use
Ferret Boy and Janie as proxies? I won't tell anyone if you won't.
Rocky : Relax, I can get them back.
Allen play the fanfare.
Patricia : Wow, sounds a lot like the Dickie Dee cart.
[back doors burst open, most of the missing guests arrive]
Kay : oooh oooh can I have a rocketsickle
Frank : do you have any dingbats??
[a hush falls over the cast]
Frank : Wow, it's like you guys never saw a straight line before
Nicole : Well Jeff's ready and everyone else is here. You can
start the bridal march.
[Allen begins playing]
Allen : Though Geraldine played hard to get uh-huh huh....
Kay : Wait a minute, we're still waiting on Eric.
Jon G : Look everyone, under the banners of King Richard the Lionheart!
John C : That's not Richard the Lionheart's banners, that's Lowenbrau.
Jon G : It's.........
[more dramatic pausing]
Dave Barry: Stop! I forbid this wedding to take place, unless of course
I get to kis...ewwww! unless I am permitted to give away
the bride.
Mike Y : Oh my god, Eric Seiden is dead!
Nancy D : But who killed him? and where? and with what?
Rocky : It must have been one of us, but....who?
[Extra footage which I've added in so I can re-release the exact
same episode in theatres 20 years from now and make enough money to pay
for prequels that I never intend to finish]
Kay : This is horrible....
Allen : No kidding, I was just about to do my big musical number
for the wedding march.
Rocky : Well we can still use it, you'll just have to change the lyrics.
Allen : What? How?
Rocky : Kids these days. Move over sonny and let me
show you how it's done...
[OPENING THEME, available on the AFD_B CD "Slaughterhouse Rock"]
Well Eric and Jeff planned to wed uh-huh huh
then someone whacked him in the he-head
And then came the accusation
all across the nation
and afdb started shouting
"Assassination!"
Assassinations!
Cause excitement
and confusion
they're usually set off by revolutionaries
intent on a coup d'etat
or by a wacko acting on his own....
Well then there was JFK hey hey hey
was it the mob castro or the c-i-a?
Were there one or two shooters
can you see them Zapruder?
While the crowd starts shouting "Assassination!"
Assassinations!
Cause excitement
and confusion
they're usually set off by revolutionaries
intent on a coup d'etat
or by a wacko acting on his own....
So when the plot's boring
or lame
or trite
or mundane
or stupid
or inane
assassinations give the plot some life
And Robert Kennedy as well-ell-ell-ell
Checked out of the L. A. Ambassador Ho-tel
Malcolm X and Doctor King
can all agree on one thing
They're not too wild about assassinations!
Assassinations!
Cause excitement
and confusion
they're usually set off by revolutionaries
intent on a coup d'etat
or by a wacko acting on his own....
So when the plot's boring
or lame
or trite
or mundane
or stupid
or inane
assassinations give the plot some life
Assassinations!
Cause excitement
and confusion
they're usually set off by revolutionaries
intent on a coup d'etat
or by a wacko acting on his own....
Assassinations!
Cause excitement
and confusion
hallelujah!
hallelujah!
halleluuuuuuuuujaaaaaaah!
AFDB Season Premiere (2/5)
[Insert "2038 Flushes" Commercial here, and is it just me or does that
guy remind you of the Heaven's Gate leader?]
[Scene 1 : HALL]
Meredith : Ok everyone calm down, I'm sure we can handle this.
Ellen C : OK what's the first thing we do?
Trish : I proclaim Eric Seiden, the official afdb dead guy.
Ed Rice : Well that's settled, this was easier than I thought.
Mike Y : Now if Trish will just declare the official murderer,
we can all go home.
Janie : Except for the murderer of course....and umm Eric.
Trish : But I don't know who the murderer is.
Dan C : Ok, so it's probably not her then.
John C : If Eric were here, he'd blame Rocky.
Kay : I confess! ::sob:: I did it! I killed him with a sheet of paper!
Scott W : I'll go along with that, Paper beats Rock.
Jon G : How's she going to kill him with a sheet of paper?
Kay : What's that? You didn't notice the huge paper cut
across his throat?
Mike Y : There isn't a paper cut across his neck.
Kay : There isn't?
Mike Y : No.
Mike S : Uh-oh.
Ellen C : What?
Mike S : I just figured out why we haven't seen any Mike Royko
columns for a while.
Kay : Mike Royko has been dead for a long time.
Rocky : I thought Mike R...[elbow from Kay] OW!, yes, Mike Royko
died a long time ago.
Dave Barry : I think I know who killed Eric.
Brett D : How can you possibly know who killed him?
You only got here two minutes ago.
Dave Barry : It may seem like only two minutes ago to you, but time moves
differently in cyberspace, it's all dependent on your frame
of reference. I'm sure Carl Sagan could explain it to us,
but, well, he's dead too.
Trish : Maybe it was the same guy who killed Eric!
Ed Rice : Ok we'll rule Trish out of the "Who killed Carl Sagan?" storyline.
Scott W : Two minutes nothing, it feels like I've been here for four months.
Look, even Frank's hair has turned white.
Frank : And Nicole has a large band-aid across her abdomen.
Nicole : And there's really something different about Dan Tapp
Robert S. : Dan's contract didn't get renewed, so I'm playing his part
and we're hoping nobody notices how different we look.
Allen : I wonder who's playing the part of Roseanne's daughter Becky
this year?
David S : OK, I've learned my lesson, I won't mess with the head
writer, now can I take this dress off?
John L : Just a sec, the editor of "Guys in Gowns" wants a couple
of photos.
Geoff B : It must be nice to know your picture is considered currency in
the Illinois prison system.
Dan C : Speaking of guys in gowns, where's Marv Albert with those
hors d'oeuvres?
Ed Rice : I wonder if John got the $1 Million/episode he was asking for.
John C : I'm almost done waxing your car Mr. Carrie.
Dave Barry : See, a lot can happen in two minutes.
Jen : That old line.
Brett D : But even so, how can you possibly comment on something
you didn't witness?
Dave Barry : Oh, I did what all the latecomers did, I went to Jeff's website
and read the transcript. And after reading it, I made
certain deductions based on the screenplay.
Brad Snyder : Which were?
Dave Barry : Jeff has absolutely, no idea, where to put his commas.
Ed Rice : I could tell him where to put them.
Carolyn : But what about Eric?
Dave Barry : Eric can use commas; the semicolon however, is beyond him.
Carolyn : No, I mean who killed Eric?
Dave Barry : I have my suspicions.
Erika G : Which are?
Dave Barry : Well, take a look around you, what strikes you as odd
about the whole wedding ceremony?
Mike S : Other than the fact it involved two guys?
Dave Barry : Are you sure two guys were involved?
Kay : I know for a fact they were both guys.
Jen : Slut!
Kay : No, not that way, I meant both of them tried to fix my
screen door, and trust me, they were definitely "guys".
Jeff : Big deal, you poke some holes in the duct tape with a fork
and it's a screen again.
Dave Barry : OK, but besides that.
Rick H : Well I would have picked The Joker by Steve Miller as the
first dance.
Dave Barry : No, no, no. What? are you people all insane?
Louie Louie, by the Kingsmen, end of story. Now back to
what I was saying about Eric's death.
Cindy : Which was?
Dave Barry : A Louie, Louie whoooa, me gotta go...
Kay : How does that tie in with Eric's death?
Dave Barry : It doesn't, it's just sort of a bridge.
Anyway, think about the wedding itself. Where is it being held?
Nancy D : Hell as I know it.
Dave Barry : Right consonants, wrong vowel.
Pat McK : In the Hall.
Dave Barry : OK, and where was the reception to be held?
Lisa B : In the Dining Room.
Dave Barry : And the gift table?
Shik. H : In the study.
Dave Barry : And Eric's dead rotting corpse?
Kristin : In the Conservatory?
Dave Barry : Which means....?
Stephen King: We can use him for mulch!
Dave Barry : Ok let me show you what I mean, follow me.
AFDB Season Premiere (3/5)
[ Scene 2: Dave leads everyone to the billiard room
where he spots a familiar board game. He pulls down
the game which is actually comprised of little pieces
of miscellaneous board games. ]
Nicole : Let's play Twister, everyone!
Carolyn : Oh wait, we're missing the spinny thing.
Frank : I'm sure Chrsitin will be here any minute.
Dave Barry : Hall, dining room, study, conservatory,
let's pretend that this board game is the mansion.
Kay : Of course, now that I see it, it all makes sense.
Dave Barry : Now you were all at the wedding ceremony here.
Kay : In the Ukraine?
Dave Barry : No Scandinavia. Let's pretend the Ukraine is the lounge.....
OK, now we're all waiting for the bride, who standing there.
Ed Rice : You mean the car?
Dave Barry : No, that's Rocky Frisco, I meant Purpleberry Pie-man.
Trish : Which one am I?
Mike Y : Probably the clacking teeth.
Cindy : Hey, the little brown jug, they don't make these anymore.
Jen : You can be the booger!
Ed Rice : Hey, that wasn't there a moment ago.
Scott W : Oh, ummmm sorry.
Dave Barry : All right, so the bride is Purpleberry Pieman.
So he's here, and Nicole can be the thimble and John can
be the iron.
Nicole : That's so...
John L : Don't say it!
Dave Barry : Carolyn, you're the first back-up bride, you can be the jug.
John C : It's too bad there weren't two of them!
Carolyn : Watch it you jerk.
John C : ummm, I meant so that Christin could be the emergency
back up jug.
Dave Barry : Kay, you can be the letter Z.
Rocky : 10 points, not bad.
Kay : I never get the Z when I'm playing the F***ing game!
It's just so....
John L : Hey, back off.
Jen : The groom can be this dead fly.
Nicole : Ok, good, and Rocky is the car, so he's standing up here.
Dave Barry : Frank, you're the flower girl, so you can be the Princess Leia
in hoth battle gear.
Allen : This is going to be kind of confusing, because I was going
to be the Luke Skywalker in hoth battle gear
Jen : It's so embarrassing when you show up to a wedding wearing the
same outfit as someone else.
Dave Barry : OK Jen, you'll have to be Miss Scarlet and Scott, you can
be Mr. White. Mike, you'll be Mr. Yellow
Mike Y : Mr Yellow? What kind of name is that, I don't want to be
Mr. Yellow, that just doesn't cut the mustard.
Why can't I be Mr. Black?
Dave Barry : Oh no, no one gets to be Mr. Black.
Mike Y : Why not?
Dave Barry : Because everyone wants to be Mr. Black.
Mike Y : Well, ok, I'll be another colour, Why can't I be Mr. Purple?
Dave Barry : Because a guy got killed in the season finale of
alt.dinosaurs and he's Mr. Purple.
Carolyn : Hey it could be worse, you could be Mr. Pink.
Dave Barry : Christin, you'll be Mrs Pea-keck.
[Christin flips a sign of understanding]
Dave Barry : That's right, sort of like the bird.
Now, where was the last place we saw Eric?
Janie : They had just finished taking pictures in the hall.
Dave Barry : Correct, now where was everyone?
Purpleberry Pie-man, you had already left the hall so as
not to be seen with the groom.
Kay : And who can blame him.
Dave Barry : OK, John and Nicole are still at the altar.
John L : No, I'm right here.
Dave Barry : No, I mean the iron is still in Great Britain.
John L : Oh, that makes more sense.
Dave Barry : Now as for weapons....
It appears that Eric died after being struck by a dull object.
John C : The script from the season finale!
Dave Barry : No, something far more devoid of humour than that.
Rocky : Ernest Borgnine!
Carolyn : Don't worry dad, I'll protect you, I knew this paralegal stuff
would come in handy one day.
Patricia : One day? what do you do at work every day?
Carolyn : Mostly algebra problems.
Jon G : I bet Mr. Borgnine whacked him with the golf clubs
hidden in the study.
Mike Y : Sorry, I checked them, there's no trace of blood.
Carolyn : My client will search every golf course in America
for the REAL killers.
Brett D : Wait a minute, he didn't need the clubs; he brought a
shotgun to the wedding!
Carolyn : My client did NOT kill Eric; he merely emptied a shotgun
in his direction."
E Borgnine : I didn't shoot nobody.
Kay : So you DID shoot somebody
E Borgnine : I'm about to.
Carolyn : I'll get TJ to help defend you, if it takes every penny Jeff has.
Lisa B : Jeff won't pay the legal fees!
Carolyn : What do you mean, 'Jeff won't pay the legal fees'?
Lisa B : Well TJ was eaten earlier this season by the guy in the
godzilla suit.
Gustibeast : RROARRR! ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga arimasu.
(ROARRR! I love shrimp! Of course to me you are all shrimps!)
E Borgnine : AAAAAIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
( AAAAAIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!)
Carolyn : Sorry dad, you're on your own.
Dave Barry : Anyway, so as the wedding delays continue, everyone starts
to leave on little errands. Rick Haan, is busy with the
pipe in his pants.
Janie : It looks like a candycane.
Dave Barry : It is a candycane, the game doesn't have the lead pipe.
Janie : I didn't mean the game.
Nancy D : I thought it was a trebuchet.
Patricia : No the trebuchet is in his left hand.
Janie : Are you sure he wasn't..
Rick H : OK, maybe I DID have a lead pipe in my pants!
Dave Barry : Jen leaves to go to the kitchen. How easy would it be
for her to take the rope from around the buffet table
and strangle him.
Pat McK : I thought Eric was killed with a blunt heavy object.
Scott W : Maybe it was the pot roast?
Jen : HEY!
Rocky : There wasn't any pot in the roast, I checked.
Dave Barry : And Mike Yetto, is in the study, how easy would it be for him
to pick up this wrenched ankle Jon Grimes used as a wedding
present and whack Eric in the head?
Meredith : Would his little nose light up and make a buzzing sound?
Carolyn : Don't worry Mike I'll defend you. I'll claim insanity.
Ed Rice : He's insane already!
Frank : I think she means that she's insane for wanting to defend him.
Carolyn : My client was probably just a Patsy for someone else.
Or maybe a Melinda.
Dave Barry : Carolyn, you left to get your keys from the coat in the
library. But did you really go to the library, or did
you chance into the billiard room, pick up the revolver
and shoot Eric?
Cindy : But Eric wasn't shot.
Dave Barry : No, he was not shot. But you heard Scott say he had no idea
how the gun worked. That's because it is not an ordinary gun.
Nicole : That's right, it's really a gum wrapper.
Dave Barry : But the gun in Central America is real.
Ed Rice : All right, which have you guys have been running gum wrappers
to Central America?
Dave Barry : This is called a bolt gun.
It was originally used on horses as a method of mercy killing
them. And who do we know who feels so strongly about the plight
of oppressed horses?
[an oppressed hare whinnies and stamps her feet in the distance]
Rose Marie : hey not me, besides I've never been to Brazil, and I
certainly wasn't in Venezuela.
Dave Barry : A good point, but Brazil does not just join up with Venezuela,
it also lines up with North Africa and who do you think was
in Northern Africa?
Scott W : Beats me, I was in the ballroom looking for Frank.
Dave Barry : Aha! The ballroom is precisely what I meant. It would have
been just as easy for you to go to the ballroom, where the
wedding cake is displayed, pick up the knife and move to the
conservatory and hit Eric in the head with it.
Rocky : That's ludicrous.
Mike S : Not really, I doubt Scott knows how a knife works either.
Nicole : What's this thing that's supposed to represent the cake?
Ed Rice : Hey, that wasn't there a moment ago.
Nicole : Hey! That's not wedding cake! It's... EWWWWWWW!
Scott W : Oh, ummmm sorry.
Dave Barry : So you see....
[At that moment Dave is cut off]
Brad Templeton: Wait a minute, Did you know this conversation is being
posted to Usenet, and people are mailing it to their friends?
What a travesty. I refuse to let you continue since
everything you say is copyrighted by tubanet.
Mike S : Wait, I'm starting to feel a mystical presence
Erika G : Are you sure it isn't your pager going off in your pocket again.
Mike S : Look!
[The ghost of Mike Royko appears]
Mike R : I have returned from the dead where I bring
mystical secrets...whoooooo.....and I'll sell them to you
for only $29.95 whoooooooooo and if you act now
I'll explain whodunnit.
John C : Why should we believe you?
Mike R : Carl Sagan's ghost wasn't available. Something about Hokkaido.
Anyway the killer....
[Brad Templeton cuts him off]
Brad T : Sorry, tubanet still owns your sorry ass.
[The ghost of Mike Royko disappears]
Dave Barry : Well then I hand over the guesswork to my able research
assistant.
David Bowie : Well now...we're not gonna' talk about Judy. In fact, we're not
gonna' talk about Judy at all. We're gonna' leave her out of it.
Dave Barry : Ok does anyone else in the band want to take a shot?
Stephen King: I'd like to take a shot at the guy who listed
my address as the place to mail away for the
AFDB Secret decoder ring.
Jeff C : Boy some people are such jerks.
Stephen King: You said it.
Dave Barry : Well I guess we'll just play a song and go.
This song is dedicated to Paula, and anyone else out there
who is celebrating something today.
[Band starts playing]
You say it's your birthday, it's my birthday too yeah...
Robert B : You guys suck!
Dave Barry : Whoa! Tough crowd. We'd better split.
[band members leave]
Kerry Y : All right, time for the puppet show!
Cam : I wanna see THREE puppets at once!
Guido : hey Vic has something to say, what is it Vic?
Vic :
Guido : Hey dat's right, what's dat smell?
Rick H : I didn't notice nothing...
Rocky : Oh right, Eric, I suppose we should do something about the body.
Scott W : Do you think we could just leave him at the curb?
Ed Rice : No, the sanitation department has been pretty sticky ever
since that charred primate incident.
Cam : i like monkeys.
Rocky : Besides he's too heavy, we'd never get him to the curb.
Scott W : Y'know, maybe it's the bags you're using.
Kay : Well, we have to do something.
Ed Rice : I know what to do!
Scott W : Well hurry up, the Magnificent Ambersons is on
tonight and I don't want to miss any of it....
AFDB Season Premiere (4/5)
[and this part was damned funny too!]
AFDB Season Premiere (5/5)
[Scene 4: Dining Room, after the resurrection]
Ed Rice : It worked! CMOT TMPV is alive.....sort of.
Rocky : But who killed him in the first place?
Achille Perot : I Achille Perot, the smarter brother of Hercule Ross Perot
have arrived to answer your questions.
Frank : Hey it's one of the waiters, do you have any of
them little sausages left frenchie?
Achille Perot : The name is not Frenchie, I am Belgian.
Scott W : Urrrrrrrp! me too.
Frank : Belgian eh? So do you have any of them eggo waffles left?
Achille Perot : Zut alors! That is Mr. Marv Albert you want, and after
you finish your waffles, perhaps he will drop by with
some cigarettes and chewing gum.
I am here to solve a murder my friends, a murder most awful.
Scott W : See, it even smells like we've been here four months.
Achille Perot : There is something very very fishy about this death.
Nancy D : Do you think it's foul play?
Achille Perot : Fishy. Not Fowl, fishy. I think this man was killed by
a fish!
Jen : poisson, poison, I always get those recipes mixed up.
Achille Perot : Speaking of which, who do we know who is a pisces?
Jen : Ooooh look at the time.
John L : 8:38 pm, what's so special about 8:38 pm?
Rick H : Think about it.
Achille Perot : Now I want everyone to think very carefully about where
they were and what they saw. There is absolutely nothing
that can be considered insignificant.
Nicole : Did you ever stop to think about the importance of Germanic
culture in 8th century Anglo-Saxon poetry?
Achille Perot : There is ALMOST nothing that can be considered insignificant.
First we must establish a motive.
Frank : Motive?? Hey, he was a jerk, isn't that good enough?
Achille Perot : No, no, mon ami, it is likely that not everyone feels
as strong as you.
Frank : Really? Hey who thinks Eric was a jerk?
[everyone's hand goes up]
Achille Perot : C'est magnifique.
CMOT TMPV : If I could...
Achille Perot : Quiet please, this doesn't concern you.
Now we must look for opportunity.
[KNOCK KNOCK]
Beestings : Oh, I say Perot, very sorry to show up late,
the parking here is just awful.
John C : It's all those people demonstrating outside against
the season premiere.
Glenda R : Look! Protest Singers! There's Jakob Seeger-Chapin
Jakob S-C : and how many beans must one cow eat
before he starts to flatulate?
The answer my friend is two-thousand thirty-eight
the answer's always two-thousand thirty-eight
Achille Perot : All right everyone, can we please get back to my lines?
As I was saying, who had opportunity?
[KNOCK KNOCK]
David Duchovny: Hi, I'm special agent Denise Bryson of the BFI.
Jen : Don't you mean the FBI?
David Duchovny: No, the BFI, I'm with the S-Files, we look into strange
Sanitation requests, this is my partner, special agent Smelly
2038Flushes Guy: Did anyone here call about the large blue puck following
the Hale-Bopp comet?
David Duchovny: No, someone called about picking up some trash?
John L : umm, yeah well sorry I guess we don't need you after all.
David Duchovny: OH?
John L : Yeah, the trash in question isn't trash after all.
David Duchovny: Brought back to life?
John L : uhhh yeah.
David Duchovny: That's ok, I've been there.
Scott W : There sure is something foxy about that lady.
David Duchovny: I'd stick around, but I have to go smell somebody's
toilet and then see about this guy with 200 monkeys.
John C : I always suspected that was how these scripts got written.
Cam : i like monkeys.
Achille Perot : Come come, stop all this milling about and jawing, have you
forgotten the reason I am here?
Brett D : Oh right the murder...
Achille Perot : Well actually it's a reason to show off my fantastic
moustache, but yes the murder is also of interest.
Now where was the body discovered?
Mike Y : Braz....the conservatory.
Achille Perot : And were there any marks on the body?
Trish : No.
Scott W : There weren't were there? And how would you explain these
claw marks on Erics chest, the urine stains and the distinctive
smell of cat bloopers. Coon Cat Bloopers.
Dick Clark : Join us tonight on Fox 47 for an All-New Cat Bloopers
hosted by myself and Ed McMahon!
Ed McMahon : Ha ha ha ha....
Trish : Coon Cats don't Blooper. I hereby give you the title
of Guy with Dog.
Amanda : ok, that's six, I've heard enough from you for today.
Ed Rice : Nice try, Astro-boy, but these claw marks are not from a
cat and neither are the urine stains. First of all, Eric
was a bed wetter. Second, the claw marks are not the
claw marks of anger, but of passion. Eric died during sex.
He died with the person who loves him best. I always knew
he'd die alone.
Dino : wajameanyasonvabitch?
Ed Rice : I mean he died while mas...
Dino : Sorry, wasn't talking to you. I was just showing those
guys how to speak Texan.
Ed Rice : I see, stranger.
Dino : Actually, I think we've met before...
Ed Rice : I know, it's just that you're stranger than most Texans
I've met.
Achille Perot : And speaking of strange, what is different about Eric
from the last time you saw him?
Scott W : He's dead! Ha, that was an easy one.
Achille Perot : Besides that.
Scott W : He smells a bit better?
Achille Perot : He is missing something from the last time you saw him.
Robert S : Oh ok, I'll put the fillings back.
Achille Perot : That is not what I meant
Robert S : ....and the twenty bucks.
Achille Perot : There is something else missing!
Robert S : Hey that's all I took. Nicole?
Nicole : How many fondue sets does any newlywed couple NEED, anyway?
Achille Perot : What about his bag?
Robert S : Who do I look like Marv Albert?
Marv Albert : Fresh cocktail weenies anyone?
John C : Fresh? They're wrapped in plastic.
Mike S : Hey my weenie has a bite out of it
Marv Albert : Hey, wasn't me.
Achille Perot : Think about it. We all assumed that we saw Eric at the photo
shoot, but was that really Eric who wears the paper bag on
his head?
Kay : No, Eric is usually seen with a pair of pantyhose over his head.
John C : That's right just like on that episode of America's
Most Wanted.
Nancy D : Wow this is so strange.
Mike Y : This whole place has been kind of nutty since Hunt disappeared.
Frank : Yeah, and Where's Waldo?
Rick H : I think Eric committed suicide, he cut his own throat!
Carolyn : Don't worry Eric I'll defend you.
My client WANTS to testify - is DYING to testify - but his
counsel will not let him.
Achille Perot : I have seen another case much like this one, think carefully
Who could it have been?
Jen : It was the grassy knoll!
Achille Perot : What are you talking about?
Jen : Sorry, I forgot which story I was in for a second.
Giant : It is happening again.
Jen : I'm sorry, what?
Marv Albert : Cigarettes? Gum?
Frank : Hey I remember that gum, I used to chew that when I was
a kid, it's my most favourite gum in the whole world.
Jen : Wait a minute, I know that cheap plot device......
The bouquet, of course I should have guessed.
That's it, I know who killed Eric Seiden!
John L : You think Eric killed himself with his bouquet.
Scott W : I told him marigolds were too fragrant.
Nicole : Perhaps we should have warned Eric that 'throwing the bouquet'
implies a velocity somewhat less than that normally associated
with major-league fastballs."
Jen : No, not Eric, it was Frank.
Scott W : Frank can't pitch.
Jen : No, Frank killed Eric.
Frank : I did not.
Jen : When Yetto said Hunt disappeared, you replied
"yeah, where's waldo?", but that's because you didn't
realize he meant _Roger_ Hunt. you thought he meant
Laura Hunt, which means, that you're not
Frank Palmer after all.......you're really [pulls at mask]
Laura Palmer!
Frank : OW!
Jen : Sorry Frank, but it looked like a mask.
It was all here in front of me, the cheap plot devices,
the twin peaks allusions, the references to Otto Preminger
movies.....
Kay : The final chapter in the script where it says
"you're really Laura Palmer"
Frank : You can't prove anything.
Jen : Frank arrives at the ceremony, he spies the candlesticks
in the dining room. He arranges his flowers around
a candlestick, and then mingles with people in the lounge.
He hides the flowers in the crinolines of his dress.
People move along to the kitchen and then Frank sees
Eric wandering around looking for the bathroom.
Frank eats his bag full of squid fried rice
and then puts the bag over his head. His hair turns white
from all the rice stuck in it.
He uses a secret passage to sneak off to the Conservatory
where Eric is watering the flowers.
Janie : That's right we can get to Alaska from Kamchatka
Jen : Maybe Eric sees him, but since he's marrying Jeff he
assumes that the complete weirdo is from Jeff's family.
He probably assumes Frank is the unknown comic. Then when
Eric isn't looking he pulls out the flowers from the
crinolines of his dress, there is a slight rustling sound
Frank unwraps the candlestick, ditches the bouquet among
the rest of the flowers in the conservatory. He whacks Eric
over the head and sneaks away, _but_, he runs into Jon Grimes
who mistakes him for Eric.
He's forced to sit through a photo shoot, and when he finally
sneaks away, he runs into Chrsitin, who corners him for
conversation. Frank can't get away. Finally he needs to
end the conversation. He takes off the bag and stuffs it
into Christin's mouth. Then he rejoins the party.
Frank : I deny this. Except for the part about stuffing the bag in
Chrsitin's mouth. I really did do that.
Jen : Then maybe you can explain where your bouquet is.
Frank : Bouquet, what bouquet?
Jen : Maybe you can explain how these flower stems all ended up
stuck in dirt in the conservatory.
Frank : Maybe the owner has a crappy gardener.
Peter Sellers : I like to watch tv
Allen : I don't get it.
Rocky : I guess you had to be there.
Jen : a likely story .....
Maybe you can explain these gardening gloves with dirt all
over them.
Carolyn : If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.
[Scott puts gloves on Frank]
Scott W : oh hey they fit, tough luck Frank.
Carolyn : He's guilty - fry him.
Achille Perot : Take him away boys.
Beestings : Amazing Perot! How did you know who it was ?
Achille Perot : I was completely stumped, I hoped if I droned on long enough
I would bore somebody into confessing.
[Frank is led away mumbling about Jen's cat Scully and
those meddling kids. The guests start to leave]
Mike Y : Well that was certainly close. Frank a murderer, who
would have guessed it?
Scott W : Well it looks like Eric has been resurrected, good thing
Ed saw Star Trek III last week.
Ellen C : Something important like that, really ought to be in the FAQ.
CMOT TMPV : The wedding's off though, I don't think I could love a man
who has such strong feelings for L'il Debbie Snack Cakes.
Ed Rice : Hey L'il Debbie Snack cakes, does anyone have L'il Debbie
Snack cakes? I love L'il Debbie
Joseph N : Yeah me too.
Nicole : Y'know she looks nothing like the picture on the package.
Scott W : That's too bad the hat goes with one of my outfits.
Kay : My biggest complaint about this wedding, I didn't get
enough lines.
Nicole : Didn't you mail them to the head writer?
Kay : I was going to, but I don't trust him. Can you imagine what
would happen if I sent him a one word quote to use and he
preceded it with the question "Have you ever had lesbian
fantasies about you and the girl from L'il Debbie snack cakes?"
Nicole : Yes.
Ed Dravecky : Sorry Jeff, I guess there's no wedding, better luck next time
Jeff C : I guess we can take this bag out of Christin's mouth.
Christin : Hey where's everyone going? Come back, I've got a hundred
lines of dialogue yet....ulllgh!
Jeff C : See, this billiard ball works much better.
Rocky : What do you mean no wedding! I've been waiting for Eric
and Jeff to kiss in USENET. I refuse to leave until I see
what is the most improbable kiss of our lifetime.
Rose Marie : Pucker up Baby!
[Rose Marie lays one on Rocky]
SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH!
CMOT TMPV : Y'know I don't think we could top that if we tried.
Jeff C : You were lucky, you only got killed.
CMOT TMPV : Oh well, I guess the wedding wasn't meant to be.
Jeff C : That's ok, if you hadn't been killed off, I had Kerry
standing by on the phone to tell me I had won a grant to
write a book over the next six months.
CMOT TMPV : Haha.
Jeff C : What?
CMOT TMPV : I had Ed Rice standing by to offer you one over the next
six years.
Jeff C : Oh well, mind helping to clean up?
CMOT TMPV : No not at all, we should donate the flowers.
I parked over by the funeral home, we could take them there.
Jeff C : No, let's take the wienermobile. We spent money
renting the thing we might as well use it.
CMOT TMPV : Nice wax job.
Jeff C : Thanks I had my boy take care of it. Just throw
the flowers in the condiment section.
CMOT TMPV : Hey where's your bouquet?
Jeff C : Hmm, I dunno, I'm sure it's around here somewhere.
Someone probably threw it out already, I wouldn't
worry about it...
[exeunt]
[Fading shots as the wienermobile starts up and drives off into the sunset.
Everyone has gone home except for the last protest singer.
We watch as the wienermobile disappears behind the singer and fade out]
[Closing theme, by Jakob Seeger-Chapin]
How many nuts will a squirrel collect before he plans his attack?
How many times must a cow explode before we drop them on Iraq?
How many times will a newbie ask questions without reading the FAQ?
The answer my friend is two-thousand thirty-eight
The answer's always two-thousand thirty-eight
How many times in any given day will we have to read a Rose GS post?
How many times will I forget someone's dead, and end up using his ghost?
yes and how many times can I make an obscure reference to Donny Most?
The answer my friend is two-thousand thirty-eight
The answer's always two-thousand thirty-eight
How many chuckletrousers jokes will it take to bring Al Gore to tears?
Yes and how many people want to get up and go, out say for a dozen beers?
How long will you have to wait for another show,
if I express the time lapse in years?
The answer my friend is two-thousand thirty-eight
The answer's always two-thousand thirty-eight.......
[END]
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About the authour:
When not harassing innocent newbies in USENET, Jeff Carrie lives in Ottawa
with his wife and daughter. Jeff has served as AFD_B's head writer since
approximately Jan 1, 1970. He feels really bad about the Mike Royko
thing, but insists that he had nothing to do with it. Jeff is clearly
visible in the Zapruder film wearing a babushka, he insists his innocence
in that one also.
Jeff continues to speak in the third person and only appears to reuse
the same jokes over and over again. In addition to his afd_b duties
maintaining the whirling blades of death, he also maintains the daily
feature "Sigfile Follies", although he concedes that it no longer runs
as a daily feature but "whenever the hell I feel like it". He hasn't
felt like it in some time, although he can be inspired by a pretty face.
He thinks he is still talking about the act of writing, but he's not sure;
he is pretty sure it has something to do with the right hand though.
Oh and he hates Little Debbie snack cakes, although if a high ranking
representative from Little Debbie were to send him a crate or two he
might be persuaded to rethink his opinion.
carrie@ee.umanitoba.ca
http://www.ee.umanitoba.ca/~carrie
*******************************************************************************
Back to The Sigfile Follies Back to The Theatre of the Imaginary
Maintained by Jeff Carrie.