The Meeting at Telgte

******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 1) The stories of today need not have taken place in the present, although it certainly helps since all the O.J. Simpson jokes get pretty stale otherwise. From far and near they came, from all directions. A feat that was more amazing when one considered the hazardous conditions that the journeys were made under. The hostilities of neighbouring towns were at a peak and the unsafe roads were speckled with potholes, thanks to the near-sightedness of certain municipal governments. It was in late March that we all arrived in Telgte. Many came on horseback, some took the Reading Railroad. I came on foot which meant that I was late to arrive, although I still beat those who waited for the Transit bus. I had travelled the Osnabruck road towards Munster and it passed across the River Ems into Telgte. The road led me to the Bridge Tavern, a thatch- roofed, tall gabled stone structure planted in the middle of the meadows. The landlady, a Dame Cooper was pleased to see us and there were enough vacancies for all after the sudden unexpected departure of her previous Norwegian guests. There were some arguments about who was to have which room, and why there was no fireplace, when the picture in the brochure led us to believe there was. Of course the Three witches managed to scare us out of wanting the top floor suite, which was okay by me since they tend to stink up the whole floor when they start cooking. But all in all it was first come, first serve and the people on the Transit Bus would just have to settle for the nap rooms. ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 2) Much of the action was to take place at the Bridge Tavern. I was fortunate enough to have my video camera on hand to record selected moments for posterity. I was pleased to catch a glimpse of James Bond socializing with one of the maids. ---------------------------REC----------------------------- James: You see my dear I am accustomed to getting what I want. Tess : I understand, but what makes you think you will get it from me? James: You silly girl, I know why you are here. Tess: Do you really? James: Quit being coy. You have something and I want it. Tess: Cut it out James, I won't give in to you. You'll have to get your pleasures elsewhere. James: Come back damn you..... Wait! You there with the camera. Me: Who me? James: Yes, you. Do you have any of those little mints left that the maid puts on your pillow? --------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- We did not know what was to take place at the lodge next evening, only that it was of such magnitude that it would forever shape our destinies, and so we waited with anticipation until the fateful hour arrived and en masse we strode into the lodge. ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 3) We were directed into the grand ballroom and in an orderly fashion we took our seats. The room was dark except for a single light focused on the front stage. A figure stepped out from the curtains and all our eyes were focused on him. But, it was only MacDonald who was having trouble finding his seat. There were a few nervous coughs as people looked around in confusion. Suddenly lights flashed on and a man appeared on the stage. "Live from Telgte. Yeah, well we've never heard of you either, It's the Gunter awards! Recognizing the best performances and acheivements in The Sigfile Follies. Now here's your presenter a man who never met a sheep he didn't like........MACDAVE!!!!!! A tall spectacled man with a diastima and no hairstlye to speak of walked onto the stage. I recognized him at once as the letterman from the MacDavis parody. We all clapped, not from admiration, but to keep warm as it was only about 10 degrees in the ballroom. "Thank You, Thank you. Hey it's really great to be here. Are you excited? I know I am, cause you know for my money there just aren't enough awards shows. Which reminds me, I've got good news and bad news about the awards. The bad news is, and you know how awards shows drag on sometimes, well this one's going to take about six weeks. Yep, of course the good news is that we'll all be out in time for the O.J. verdict. I thought this was very interesting, when I drove into town, I took the autobahn. That was the first time I ever got pulled over for going too slow. So I had to take a cab in to the show tonight. Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is why I like travelling in foreign countries. All the cabbies are wearing baseball caps and speak English. Hey, did you hear this? Mike Tyson is being let out of prison, and it turns out that while he was in, he became a muslim and is apparently quite devoted to the teachings of the Koran. So one of the sportswriters asked him, in lieu of his new beliefs who he thought he would like to fight next. And Mike thought about this for a minute and he said: "Ya know I was thinking maybe...Salman Rushdie." WHOA! HEY! WHADDYA KNOW ABOUT THAT! O.K. So Hey! Is anybody in from out of town? HA HA! just kidding we're all from out of town. Let's give a big welcome to our band leader all the way from Thunder Bay, Paul MacSchaffer" "Hiya MacDave." "So, Paul, Do they have awards shows up in Canada?' "Uh, yeah, yeah we do." "Oh really what are they called? Are they named for anybody?" "Yeah, um the Shatners I think." "No, you're kidding me." "No, really I'm sure they're named the Shatners" "Don't listen to him folks he's Canadian. You know, next year I'm going to give out my own awards, kinda like Sports guy does." "What kind of awards?" "I'm gonna call them MacDaves" "That's a catchy name, sure. What'll they be for?" "Eating Hoagies" "Hoagies?" "Well not just ordinary hoagies, there are smoked hoagies and cheese hoagies, and hey, let's not forget the Big-Ass Hoagies." ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 4) Mac Dave looked surprisingly comfortable addressing the crowd. ---------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave: So anyway let's get on with the show. Hey Paul do you know what I've got in my right hand? Paul : Arthritis? MacDave: What? Arth..., All right cut it out. You play the music, I do the jokes, got it? O.K. In my right hand I have a copy of tonight's Top 10 list. From the home office in Rat Portage, Ontario; Tonight's topic is The top 10 rejected awards categories, here we go Number 10 Fishiest Smell -------------------------PAUSE----------------------------- "Damn!", came a voice from an old man in Row C. ---------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave: Number 9 Highest number of swears in a performance. -------------------------PAUSE----------------------------- "F***!", said Lady MacDonald. ---------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave: Number 8 Most shameless advertising cameo, and let me say that for the record, this does not include those tasty Reese's Pieces on sale in the lobby right now! Number 7 Whiniest Bandleader Paul: Hey! MacDave: What, is there something wrong? Paul: That isn't very nice. MacDave: Well no, maybe that's why it was rejected. Besides, it doesn't say it's you. You have to stop being so sensitive about these things. Paul: Well, all right. MacDave: O.K. Where are we.... Number 6 Worst dressed, whiny, balding Canadian Bandleader You know I DON'T write these. Number 5 Most Infected. Boy, I'm glad I'm not handing that out. Number 4 Best Fiddling Stock Clip: Camptown Lady sing this song doo-dah doo-dah Camptown Race Track Five miles long oh da-doo-dah day! MacDave: Oh man, that was rejected? I thought I was going to win something tonight. Let's see, Number 3 "I thought that Guy was dead already" award, Hey look kids, it's Abe Vigoda! Abe: Who smells like FISH around here? MacDave: HA HA! Number 2 Almost as good as a Christian Slater movie. Boy you'd hate to get that award. And the number 1 rejected awards category........ Best Support! -------------------------PAUSE----------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 5) --------------------------REC------------------------------ MacDave: All right, let's get on with the big program. Let me introduce to you two of the scariest people I know both of them had bit-parts in FrankEinstein Crowd: Moaaaaaaaannn! MacDave: Hey! I'm not proud of that either. Let's have a big hand for Stephen King and Roseanne. Roseanne: Well well, Stephen King, you're not as scary in person as you are on your book jacket. Stephen : Well Roseanne you sure are as scary in real life as you are on TV. Roseanne: Yeah, well in that case how come you didn't cast me for the movie Delores Claiborne? Stephen : Well Roseanne if you were still married to Tom Arnold you'd be the first person I'd choose to kill off her husband. -------------------------PAUSE----------------------------- Tom Arnold was sitting a few rows behind me. I thought I heard him say, "Rosie's gonna take me back. You just watch. Yep, any day now." --------------------------REC------------------------------ Roseanne: The nominees for Best Portrayal of an athlete are: Stephen: Bob Einstein for FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Roseanne: Bullwinkle J. Moose for FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Stephen: Forrest Hump for FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Roseanne: Pauly Shore for Interview with the Umpire CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Stephen: Ward Bouton for Strike Four CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Roseanne: And O.J. Simpson for Twelve Angry Men CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Stephen: And the GUNTER goes to......... ---------------------------- | | Roseanne: | Forrest Hump | | for FrankEinstein | | | | | ---------------------------- CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Forrest: Thank yew. Thank yew all. Golly this is exciting. I wish my momma was here to see this. Sally: I'm over here. Camera boy, I'm over here!!! What's the matter? Don't you people like me?????? Forrest: I know if she was here she would want to say something. I don't know what that is. Well I think I'll go now. Maybe we'll see each other ag'in some time. -------------------------PAUSE----------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 6) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave: Here to present our next award, and pay close attention because they might be trying to pronounce your name, are MacBain and MacFudd. MacBain: Hallo evwywon itz grate to be heer. MacFudd: Hewwo evwywun. Boy dis shur is a wunnerful cewemony. MacBain: I'd like to know how kum ze akademy didn't nominate Vitchkraft az bezt zong. But dats hokay, kuz I am pwoud to be pwesentink, MacFudd: ahahahahahahahahahaha! MacBain: Vatz zo vunny? MacFudd: I just wike da way you wead da names. MacBain: Da nomineeze vor Best costume dezcribed in a ritten meedea are: Slaucthaus Zwei CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacFudd: Da mawolteeth pitjin CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacBain: Dirteen aht Deanare CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacFudd: Owaw wa wainbwow CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacBain: und MacDaviz CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacFudd: Ooooooh, dats a goodie! MacBain: Und da Gunter gows to....OW! A paper cut! Da Gunter gowz to...... Vowwest Ump CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Jeff: WHAT????? Cam: I think he said Forrest Hump. Man, he's going to sweep this thing. Vaughn: Damn! I was voting for the paper cut. Jeff: That IDIOT! He opened the wrong envelope. I have to do everything around here. Forrest: Golly gee, thank yew agin. Ya know a few more of these and I c'n play some chess with Kathareen 'Epburn. Jeff: Maybe it's this envelope... RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! Forrest Hump? Maybe it's this one... RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! Forrest Hump? RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! RIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! What the? These all say Forrest Hump!!!!! Forrest: Stupid is as Stupid does. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 7) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave: And here to present our next award, are three of the more educated people in our ensemble, Dick, Jane and Spot. Dick : Look Jane Look! We get to give out awards! Jane : The golden awards are on a tall table. Dick : See the names! There are five people up for this award. Jane : Yes, Dick Yes. For Best portrayal of a Physicist the nominees are: Dick : Wolfgang Pauli in FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Jane : Paul Dirac in FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Dick : Werner Heisenberg in FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Jane : Are you certain? Dick : No. Homer : Oh boy, it's going to be me, it's going to be me. Jane : Erwin Schrodinger in FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Homer : Oh boy, it's going to be me, it's going to be me. Dick : And FrankEinstein for FrankEinstein. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Homer : It's ...D'OH! Jane : Well I guess I know which storyline wins this award. And the GUNTER goes to..... -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- It was hard to describe exactly what happened at that moment. We heard a loud wailing sound, which I assumed to be Bob Einstein upset at his being snubbed in the nominations for Best Physicist. In fact it was something totally alien to us, lights flashed, smoke poured out on to the stage, and as if by magic a large metal gleaming object appeared in the middle of the lodge. All of us stood hypnotized, it was Spot who first realized who had arrived. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Spot : Mr. Peabody. Peabody : That is correct Spot! Grab the GUNTER Sherman, he's just announced us as the winners. Quick into the WABAC and we're gone. Sherman: I've got it Mr. Peabody. Run Spot Run! Peabody: Set the WABAC for 1647 Westphalia, we have a War to clear up. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- And they were gone just like that. As quickly as the metal monstrosity had appeared, it now disappeared. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Cassandra: Great! There goes our chance to win the Special Effects Award. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 8) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : Here to present the first nominee for Best Storyline is Jerry Seinfeld CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Jerry: Thank you, thank you. Well awards shows sure are something, aren't they? It isn't enough that we spend an outrageous amount of money paying to see ridiculous storylines, but now we figure that we should take a fortune in gold and use it to make paperweights. You have to think the paperweight is one of the most useless things in existence. What are people thinking when they give you a paperweight? "Here you go, we saw this thing, it looked like a rock, it was just sitting there doing nothing, it serves no practical purpose, and naturally we thought of you." And what's the deal with awards shows? Why do they feel it necessary to show clips of the stories that are up for awards? If you haven't seen the story yet, it's too late to change your vote now. No one is sitting in the audience thinking "Hey that's good! Why didn't I vote for that? Maybe it's not too late. I think that's the guy from the accounting firm there." And then to top it all off they show these meaningless clips, which is obviously wasting a lot of time and then they complain about how late the show is running. "Yeah, gee we can't figure it out either! If only there was some way to shorten the show. Hey here's an idea let's cut out part of that guy's acceptance speeech." Anyway I'm almost out of time, and the writer obviously had no idea what to write about today, so let's enjoy a few minutes from FrankEinstein: Stock clip: The creature had vacated the apartment. Erwin came in and sat with me for several minutes in silence. Mere seconds seemed like an eternity. Finally he spoke. "Hey did you ever read the Tell-Tale...." "FIEND!!!", I screamed, "Taunt me no longer, I admit it, I have created a monster from old flesh and stolen Radio Shack pieces! How dare you taunt me with this psychological game of yours. To have the audacity to sit there and then to bring up The Tell-Tale Heart it is almost too much for my...." "HOLD ON, HOLD ON", he cried. "The Tell Tale What? Heart? I've never heard of it. I was talking about the Tell-Tale Bunny. You see, there's this bunny, named Phil and he has problem flatulence, so everywhere he goes, he leaves these little tell-tale carrot scents. Oh, sorry, what was that about a hideous monster?" In that moment I confessed. It looks like it might take longer to tell this than the 9 segments I promised. I then took Erwin into the room and showed him my chemical apparatus and the table from whence my creation came. "You know I hear soap and water will get those stains out. But I still don't see how you brought the creature to life." Then Erwin recoiled in horror. "You aren't setting me up for the Hare revitalizer with a natural wave joke, are you? I assured him I was not. "You see it only required a little jolt to animate him." "How did you manage to harness the electrical energy, though?" "What electrical Energy? I just gave him one of these." Erwin held the canister up to the light. "Wow! TWICE the sugar and TWICE the caffeine!" -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 9) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : Ladies and Gentlemen here to sing one of the musical numbers nominated for Best Song is Bob Dylan CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Dylan : Hunnghh yunh! Ungh Duh Nee Nugh, Tom : Thank God it's not Springsteen. Dylan : unghh unhuh a dime you hness unh fine hoo da bunns aun dime huh ya rimhh hhhnggh you? Gilles : Or Meat Loaf! Dylan : nnneenngh call say beennbgh dunngh ya buun a fall hugnnh thunngh they wunh all hhhnghh you? Doug : I hear we're having meatloaf for dinner. Dylan : Huw hunngah hunff about hunnggahbody that wass hunnghhuh huh Gilbert : It's like he's punishing us. Dylan : non huh dunngh seem suh prunngh now hunngh dunggh hungh suh lunngh Huw : Hey! I don't remember this song. Dylan : abunngh havunggh tuhbe scrunnghhuh humgh nexxx meannngh Cary : Yeah, I don't remember it either. Dylan : hunggh hunghh sit feengghh? hunggh hunghh sit feengghh? Russ : I think it was from FrankEinstein Dylan : tuhh beee hungh hungggh hunh Ed : No, it was from Nineteen Ninety-Four. Dylan : wingh nuh dunghresshhungh nunghh Paul : When was there singing in FrankEinstein? Dylan : huh compleegnh unghhungh Ed : I remember them playing it during the final credits. Dylan : huh compleegnh unghhungh Dino : Oh sure, who stays around to read the credits? Dylan : Unnngh!!!hunggh hunghh sit feengghh? hunggh hunghh sit feengghh? Steve : WOW! First the Eurythmics get stiffed and now Bob Dylan. Dylan : tuhh beee hungh hungggh hunh wingh nuh dunghresshhungh nunghh Homer : Hmmmm, nobody seems to notice this cheese sandwich. Dylan : huh compleegnh unghhungh linngh a Ronghheengh stunngh Homer : Mmmmmmmmmm Cheese Sandwich! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 10) --------------------------REC----------------------------- Homer : OH! Now my cheese sandwich is all gone. You were delicious while you lasted. MacDave : Thank you, Bob. Now here to present the nominees for our next award are MacAroni and MacCain. MacAroni: Thanks MacDave, the nominees for best stuntman are.... MacCain : James Bond from On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacAroni: Bob Einstein from FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacCain : Sherman Hemsley from Over the Rainbow CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacAroni: Lee Majors from the Mailtease Pigeon CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacCain : Grilled Cheese Sandwich from the Mailtease Pigeon CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Homer : Uh oh! MacAroni : And the Gunter goes to, Homer : Please don't let it be the sandwich. MacCain : This is so exciting. Homer : Please don't let it be the sandwich. MacAroni : The Gunter goes to the grilled Cheese Sandwich Homer : D'OH!! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Porter : Hey Mac have you seen a Grilled cheese sandwich nearby? Homer : Why NO! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- While the confusion about the location of the grilled cheese sandwich was starting to rise, our minds were suddenly, violently to be focused on a more pressing danger. A mighty ROARRRRRR!! came from one of the balcony seats and an enraged Bob Einstein, upset at being slighted for the Best Stuntman award was rushing the stage. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacAroni : Oh look! This just in, the award for best imitation of a homicidal maniac goes to Bob Einstein. Bob : I'd just like to say Wow! You like me! You really do like me! MacCain : Boy that was quick thinking. Where did you get an extra GUNTER award so quickly? MacAroni : That wasn't a GUNTER, it was left over from the Canadian Music awards last night. Charlie Manson : This is nothing but a big popularity contest!!!! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 11) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave: Here to present our next award are a pair you'll never forget. And accompnaying Claudia Schiffer is Ed Dravecky. Claudia: Well Ed, what's the funniest moment from the Sigfile Follies? Ed : It turns out that the title of the French play really translates to 'bite me'. I'm sorry, I've just always wanted to say 'bite me' to a billion peop... Trusty : (whisperwhisperwhisper) Ed : Oh, well... I've always wanted to say 'bite me' to a couple of dozen people." Claudia: You know I've always wondered why people don't see more of me in Sigfile Follies. Ed : Maybe your blouse isn't cut low enough. Claudia: You know I probably could have won a GUNTER this year. Ed : Hey I voted for you as Best Supported Actress Claudia: I think I understand why I don't show up in more of these. Ed : The nominees for Best Dead Supporting Actor are: Claudia: Bankroll for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Ed : Dunkin Donuts for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Claudia: MacBrownaughse for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Ed : Macshunfigure for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Claudia: Miles Neutered for The Mail-Tease Pigeon CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Ed : And the GUNTER goes to......... Claudia: Dunkin Donuts for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Homer : Mmmmmmmmm Donuts. Porter : I'm watching you fella. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP clap clap cla.... Ed : Um, would someone like to come up and accept the award for Best Supporting Dead actor? -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 12) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : You know there have been many mysteries in the Sigfile Follies but none as tough as WHO LET THESE TWO INTO THE BUILDING? Here to present the next award are Achille Perot and Beestings. Beestings: Well Achille, this is an extraordinary night isn't it. I must say I'm a fan of everybody's work. Achille : Yes, well as you English say, this evening certainly blows. Beestings: The nominees for best Dead Actor are.... Achille : Vaughn Betz Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Beestings: You know it might be quicker to read out who isn't up for this award. Achille : Nonsense, everybody deserves to hear some applause after their name: Jeff Carrie Thirteen at Dinner (cough) Jeff : HEY! Beestings: Gilbert Detillieux Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Achille : Gilles Detillieux Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Beestings: Ed Dravecky III Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Achille : Russ Frame Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Beestings: Paul Godavari Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Achille : Thomas Judge Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Beestings: Cary Kittrell Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Achille : Huw Leonard Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Beestings: Cameron Mayor Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Achille : Steve Robbins Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Beestings: Doug_Shewfelt Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Beestings: And the Gun... Achille : Excuse me mon ami your shoe lace is untied. Beestings: Oh so it is, thanks Perot. I'll just be a second to tie it. Achille : And the GUNTER for Best Dead Actor goes to..... Paul Godavari for Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Beestings: All right I'm done,...oh say... CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Russ : Paul, Paul? Cam : Paul? But he only had one line. Cary : Well he did the least over-acting of all of us. Huw : So where is he? Steve : Maybe Homer ate him. Homer : (Help me out brain.) Um, no I was out practicing my golf swing. Vaughn : What's that oily smell coming from this closet? Tom : Oh my God, Paul is dead! Dino : Dino is King! Gilbert : Oh! Not again! Dino : What? I never get to be King. Karen : Is that Cing with a C? Gilles : No, he means Paul is dead again. Vaughn : Bloody sequels. Doug : Well no wonder he won, he's so good at it. Achille : All right nobody move! MacDave : Bad news folks, this show is really going to drag on this year. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 13) --------------------------REC----------------------------- Gilbert : How did Paul die? Dr.Watson: Apparently he was stabbed several times and then wrapped in plastic. Tom : Why would he be wrapped in plastic? Vaughn : To keep him fresh for the winter? Achille : Dame Cooper, would you be kind enough to help Beestings remove this body from your closet. Dame C : I'll have my son Bart grab a mop. Bart : Hiya Homer. Homer : Where do I know him from? Doug : So who do you think it was? Your advisor again? Jeff : Right, he kills me and I'm going to invite him to my next party. Russ : Hey everybody, where is Ed? Jeff : I just gave him a scene with Claudia Schiffer, what makes you think he'd want to be back in the storyline so quickly? MacDave : While we're waiting for the body to be dragged away, who wants to know what we're having for dinner? On second thought, the second nominee for Best storyline is that tale of fast food and loose change ....MACDAVIS Stock Clip: MacDavis : That song gives me a horrible fright but it sure sounds like her all right That's good enough , I think it will do [Window breaks] Hark what breaks yonder window through? Aha! my countrymen and other in-laws have found a supply of food to toss MacBrownaughse: Ow! why MacDonald that lousy prick now they're throwing cans of KLIK MacDavis : So that's what in his MacRib goes My wife was eating one of those [RRRRAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFFFF] Is that sound from some Star Wars wookies? MacBrownaughse: The Queen my lord has tossed her cookies I don't wish to change the sheets in that bed Sorry, my liege I'm afraid that she's dead MacDavis : An irony that in both worlds food of some kind is being hurled Tomatoes and tomatoes and tomatoes Tossed at me in these my salad days without parsley sage rosemary or thyme Out, Out, beef lover, you wont find any there It's a sore payer who frets when he finds MacD's serves poor fare It is a sale, sold by an idiot filled with empty calories but nutritionally nothing, if I may so rhyme With all these vegetables that I'm vexed I wonder what they will throw next MacBrownaughse: there is still a way that you can win....... MacSipad : whooooooooooooooooaaaaaa MacDavis : D'oh! my flunky has landed on been -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 14) --------------------------REC----------------------------- Ed : So what did I miss? Tom : Oh man Ed, it was horrible. Ed : Yeah I heard, meatloaf again. Gilles : No, Paul is dead. Ed : Ed is King! Cary : Do you ever have one of those days where you figure you're missing out on something important 'cause you just don't know what the heck is going on? Cam : Hey man, welcome to my life. MacDave : Here to present our next category, the reason we are on a seven second delay, Jake Gittes and Lady MacDonald. Jake : Hiya babe how the F*** are ya? Lady M : F***** good Jake ***** any ****** lately? Jake : Where the **** do ya get off ********* around ya ******, *****? Lady M : You couldn't **** a **** ***** if she ****** ****** Jake : Who'd come all the way to Telgte to see a virgin? Lady M : ***** my *******! Jake : The money's on the dresser *****. Lady M : Gosh, it's good to see you again. Jake : The nominees for best F****** Witch are Lady M : Cassandra the F****** Witch for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Jake : F****** Tabitha for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Lady M : Sabrina for F****** MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Jake : Leona F****** Helmsley for Over the Rainbow CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Lady M : And F****** Roseanne for F**kEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Jake : That's FrankEinstein! Lady M : And the Gunter goes to Jake : Leona Helmsley for Over the Rainbow CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Leona : Thank you, thank you, of course I still hate each and every one of you. But Thank you for this. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 15) The discovery of Paul's body did not seem to phase the majority of the crowd. Several of them were still abuzz about Claudia's low-cut dress and the rest assumed it was just another of MacDave's jokes that fell flat. Achille Perot, with Beestings in tow, had arranged for the doors to be guarded and was in the process of questioning everyone and anything. It was then that the I noticed a tall thin man rise up to confront him. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Sherlock: Just what do you think you're doing my good man. Achille : Imbecile! I am here to stop a murderer. Sherlock: What are you talking about? Nobody has been murdered. Achille : Are you daft? Paul is dead. Sherlock: I was dead once too, you know. Achille : Don't be a fool. Wake up and smell the coffee, this is the Thirties don't you know, my reputation as the Great Detective is at stake. Sherlock: Ha! these are the Nineties. This is my Era! Winston : These are the Nineteen-Ninetys and I lay claim to the title of The Great Detective Sham : I think you boys are all loopy. And if there's a crook to catch I'm going to be the one to do it. Jake : What the F***! Why the hell doesn't anyone want my opinion? Achille : Time is wasting, these two bit shamuses are trying to horn in on my investigation. Sherlock: What the deuce do you think you are trying to investigate? Achille : Do you not remember the Thirteen at Dinner case my friend? Do you not remember the fact that I pronounced there was a second gunman? Or do you forget these things because they appeared in a story that was not labelled as "The Adventure of something something." Adventure stories are all right for little boys and girls, but this is the real world my friend and..... Beestings: (Whisper whisper whisper.....) Achille : None the less, this is Achille Perot's reputation that must be upheld. Sherlock: Look, just because you made a fool out of yourself once doesn't mean you have to do it every time out. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- The two detectives were starting to shout at each other and MacDave tried valiantly to turn the crowds attention away from the melee and back to the awards show. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave: Here to present our next award are Happy Lee and Lou P. Garou Happy : The nominees for the Best reference to JFK are.... Achille: Look my friend I know there was a second gunman and that someone is trying to cover it up. Rest assured that I will get to the bottom of this. Lou : Alek James Hiddel from The Mail-Tease Pigeon CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sherlock: There was no second gunman. Why can you not accept a simple explanation for anything? Happy : Magic Bullet Theory from A Christmas Peril CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Achille: Because this practically reeks of conspiracy. Lou : Norma Jean Kennedy from FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sherlock: What conspiracy? The gunman shot two bullets and the second one bounced around the bath after it passed through Huw's body Happy : And the Grassy Knoll from Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Achille : If it has bounced around so much, why is there not so much as a scratch in any of the linoleum or porcelain? I am afraid that your pristine toilet theory won't wash my friend. Lou : And the Gunter goes to....... Sherlock: Listen Porky, Pay attention! Abdel acted alone! Happy : Abdel acted alone from The Meeting at Telgte CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- Achille stormed off in disbelief as Sherlock thanked the crowd. ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 16) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave: Well, it's time to award the GUNTER for Best Musical number, so I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that Bob Dylan doesn't have any more songs nominated. The bad news is that by the time these two find the stage, we'll be another five hours behind schedule. Ladies and Gentlemen, Chevy Chase and MacDonald..... -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- There was a lengthy pause while the two men realized they were wanted on stage. I could see Chevy Chase, trying to exit the row he had been sitting in, while several noises and clatters could be heard backstage. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Chevy : sorry, Avril : watch it! Chevy : whoops Todd : Hey buddy, down in front. Chevy : excuse me Dani : Move it! Chevy : oh, gee I'm sorry Jeff : Ouch! Jerk! Chevy : did that hurt? Rick : Hey watch the drink! Chevy : Those stains should come right out Beth : Who picked these seats? Chevy : uh, sorry Homer : Mmmmmmmm Pie. Chevy : excuse me -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- After struggling down the aisle, Chevy realized the only free path was towards the stage. He attempted to climb up the side of the stage, only to fall back into the orchestra pit. Meanwhile, we could hear more noise coming from behind the stage. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDonald: Helllooooooooo! Does anyone know how to get out of the dressing rooms? You there, is this the way to the stage? WHAT???? I can't hear you, it sounds like someone's stuck inside a tuba. Walk through the Kitchen? O.K. [CLANG] OW! [KA-CLANG] GEEZ! [DING] OUCH! [DUNG] Yuck! Who let their dog in here? -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- After several long agonizing minutes, which at least kept the Sigfile Follies sound effects department entertained, the two men struggled up on to the stage. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Chevy: The nominees for Best Musical Number are: Mock the Knife from MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacDonald: Man, I hurt all over. Chevy: If I only had a grain from Over the Rainbow CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacDonald: I wonder if there's any Anacin around here. Chevy: You Land on Boardwalk from Over the Rainbow CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacDonald: Hey Chevy, you usually have lots of pills around, don't you? Chevy: Twister Wind from Over the Rainbow CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacDonald: My neck feels like it's going to snap in half. Chevy: Like a Rolling Stone from Nineteen-Ninety-Four CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacDonald: I can't think of anything more painful than this. Chevy: And the Gunter goes to...... Mock the Knife from MACDAVIS. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sound Byte: Oh dat shark bait, makes my teeth hurt And Quality's a disgraze That speshul sauce at oooold MacD's babe welllllll, it's only mayonaisse You know in zat shark bait Zere's no beef babe Zo you vonder, vhy zey care To puuut Hairnets on those MacD's babes So there's never, never a trace of hair MacDonald: Oh God NO!!! Anything but that! MacBain : Awl rite! I von! I von! Lookk at mee Mareea. I'm sew prowd! I'd like to zank evvybuddy who votid vor me und to dose of you hoo didn'tk I'll zee yew owtzide! MacDonald: Somebody make it stop!!!!! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- We watched as MacDonald tormented by the sound of MacBain's voice ran screaming off the stage into the kitchen where he was lost from sight. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDonald: [CLANG] OW! [KA-CLANG] GEEZ! [DING] OUCH! [DUNG] Yuck! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 17) It was hard to keep focused on the awards ceremony while Beestings and Dame Cooper were dragging Paul's body, still wrapped in plastic, across the back of the stage. While everyone watched the macabre procession, I noticed the appearance of a large figure out of the corner of my eye. He was accompanied by a vertically challenged man and they sat on either side of Mr. Carrie. At first I thought it was Bob Einstein, but a second glance led me to believe it was Lurch from the Addams' Family. I trained my camera on them in order to record this unexpected visit. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : Ladies and gentlemen, Here to present the award for Best supporting actress are Sterling, Lyon and Trudeau. Giant : I will tell you three things. If they come true will you believe me? Jeff : Did you guys buy tickets? Sterling: The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are..... Dwarf : I've got good news. That gum you like is going to come back in style. Giant : The first thing, there is a woman in a Happy Bag. Lyon : Norma Jean Kennedy for FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Dwarf : She's filled with secrets. Giant : The second thing is The pigeons are not what they seem. Trudeau : Sheryl Lee for FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Dwarf : Doesn't she look just like Laura Palmer? Sterling: Iva Neutered for The Mail-tease Pigeon CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Giant : The third thing, without fear she screams. Lyon : Irene Adler for A Christmas peril CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Giant : Give me your ring. I will return it to you when you find these things to be true. Trudeau : Marisa Tomei for no apparent reason at all. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Jeff : Are you nuts? My wife would kill me if I gave up my ring. Giant : O.K. but don't take it personally when I say, "I told you so!" Sterling: And the Gunter goes to.......... Paul: So did I miss anything? Cam : Not much. Paul: What's the landlady doing? Cam : Pulling your dead mangled body off the stage. Paul: Bummer! Lyon: Sheryl Lee for FrankEinstein. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Cam : Oh look, now they're giving you an award! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 18) --------------------------REC----------------------------- Tom : Hey! What the heck? I thought Paul was dead. Paul : No, I was just resting. Dino : Where the HELL have you been all this time. Paul : Look, let's just say I had an awful lot to drink and the lineups for the Port-A-John were pret-ty long. Gilles : Well whose body is that in the plastic bag? Bob : Those are the spare parts from FrankEinstein's bride. Jeff : That's right she was played by Sheryl Lee Huw : I thought Twiggy was supposed to play those parts. Jeff : Naw, we couldn't get her. Gilbert: But didn't Doctor Watson examine the body? Cary : Yeah, what's the deal there? Watson : Right like I'm really going to open a plastic bag with a dead body in it. What are you guys trying to do, make me lose my lunch? Vaughn : Hey everybody we're having Meatloaf for dinner!!! Watson : [RRRRAAALLLLLFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!] Russ : Shouldn't someone call off the detectives then? Ed : No, I can't wait to see who they accuse. Steve : I hope it's the cook, BLEEAGGGH!!! Dino : Hey, it looks like they're having trouble with the body. [RRRIIPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!] Beestings: Aw no, ripped again. Dame C : You know, maybe it's the bags you're using. Here try one of mine. Jeff : Is that bag smiling? Dame C : No, but it is a GLAD bag. Jeff : A woman in a happy bag. Sham : Gents and Dames, here is the third storyline up for the top award. My personal favourite, except for the fairy stuff, The Mailtease Pigeon. Now if you'll excuse me I have some business to attend to. Stock Clip: Dawn was just beginning to break when Effie trotted up the steps to the apartment. "Hi Sham, sorry I'm late the baggage clerk tried to hand me a black statue, some other bird, weighed about 47 pounds, but I got it sorted out." "Thanks Doll. I'll call you at the office later." "Sure Sham", she said and bit her lip as she turned to leave. Attention was now focused upon the bundle that Sham laid out on the table. "You realize Mr. Spayed", McFatmahon addressed him, "that this is the stuff that dreams are made of." "That's a good line, McFatmahon, mind if I use it someday?" "Be my guest." Mr. Spiro toyed with the string that was holding the package together. Sham handed a knife to McFatmahon. "Go ahead", he urged, "I've uh, already seen it." "Thank you sir, I shall." "At last", Spiro exclaimed, "after all these years." Spiro pulled the white pigeon out of the newspaper and set it down on the table. "I can't wait, peel off the white coating. It has been centuries since man set eyes on the jeweled pigeon." While Spiro flaked away at the white layers, the lack of air-conditioning started to take its toll on the weary fortune seekers. "Please Miss O'Deur, not to stand so close", McFatmahon said waving his hands around. "There seems to be an awful lot of the white layering", Bridget said just noticing the smell herself. It was then that Spiro screamed. "Ugh! I just realized what all this white stuff covering the pigeon is!" "I don't believe it, it's a fake", McFatmahon announced. "It's not the real bird?", Spiro was incensed, "You idiot I told you not to trust Zhivago. He must have suspected something." "Relax my friend", McFatmahon calmed him, "We have followed the pigeon this long, a trip back to Russia should not take much longer." "All right, but if I can't get Lara's theme out of my head for a month, there'll be hell to pay." "How about you Mr. Spayed? We could use a man of your resourcefulness." "Count me out boys, four weeks of this pigeon crap is enough for me." Jeff : The pigeons are not what they seem. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 19) Paul's sudden reappearance was noticed by the detectives, but the wrong conclusions were drawn. Paul was not helping the matter. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Achille: And who my friend might you be? Paul : Who do I look like I am? Achille: You appear to be Paul Godavari, but we all know Paul to be a nice young man who never talked back to his elders. Paul : How did you draw that conclusion? Winston: Because, he's dead, and dead men tell no tales. Paul : Sure well in that case, I'm his cousin Matt. Achille: Aha! I knew it. The family resemblance is unmistakable. Jake : All right pal, whereinthe hell didja dump the body? Paul : What body? Jake : Your cousin's body A**H*LE! Whereinthe hell is it? Paul : Hey Dino, What's the most desolate place on Earth? Dino : Kevin Preboy's bedroom. Paul : I hid it there. Winston: I knew he'd crack sooner or later. Jake : Let's go! MacDave: Ladies and Gentlemen hold on to your wallets, here to present our next award are Pottsylvania's answer to Ken and Barbie, please welcome Bor.... Boris : Allow me to introduceenk myself, am Boris Von Taxicab, world famous celebrity and awards presenter. This is my assistant Petricka Paint Streeper. Natasha: Hello, Dahlinks. Rocky : That voice, where do I know that voice? BullWinkle: Zsa Zsa? Natasha: Dahlink, look at the awards, should we steal some for ourselves? Boris : Check out bottom of award. Natasha: No Deposit, No Return. Boris : Dats Hokay we give de old Pottsylvania Trial. Natasha: Well dahlink is big honour to be able to judge at the Gunter Awards. Boris : Of course darling, usually someone else is judging us. Mwaaa hah hah hah! Natasha: Here are de nominees for Best use of a cartoon character as a supporting actor. Boris : Homer Thomson for FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Natasha: MacGraw for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Boris : MacBeavis for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Natasha: MacButthead for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Boris : Marmaduke for Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Natasha: And ze vinner iz...... Boris : Keel Moose and Squirrel!!! Natasha: Wrong envelope dahlink. Boris : Raskalnikov! Natasha: Ze vinner iz Omar Thompson for FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacBeavis: This sucks. Let's go. MacButthead: Yeh, sucks, heh heh heh heh. Homer : Whooo Hooo! In your Face Marmaduke!!!! Duke : Rufff! CHOMP!!! RIPPPPPPPPP!!!! Homer : Ha Ha stupid dog you missed you only got my pants.... D'oh! Boris : Look Natasha, is Full moon tonight. Bart : Man I really didn't want to see that. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- Meanwhile Paul continued to have trouble with the detectives. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Sham : Okay Pally, let's get one thing straight, I know you're not some backwater cousin, so let's just cut the crap. You might think you're a smart guy fooling the limp dicks, but now you're dealing with Sham Spayed. Paul : Thank goodness there's one sane person left in the world. Sham : Admit it, you're really Paul Godavari aren't you. Paul : Yes, yes I am. Dino : Is that Bud Light you're drinking? Paul : Yes, Yes I am. Sham : All right now we're getting somewhere. Now what time were you killed? Paul : Excuse me? Sham : Did you see the guy who killed you? Paul : I don't believe this. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 20) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : Let's welcome everyone's favourite bucket of bolts, and from what I hear, a pale screw. You know I don't even know what that means. Ladies and gentlemen, Marvin the Paranoid Android and Oscar the Freindly Poet. Oscar : Would everyone please lend an ear Pay attention to what you will hear Should I read out your name Enjoy fifteen seconds of fame You're nominated for Twins of the Year Ed : I voted for Claudia Schiffer here too! Russ : Twins of the year? Aren't those the Gemini's? Tom : They're not until next month. Marvin : The nominees for Twins of the year are..... Oscar : Anne and Not Anne Robbins CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Marvin : Cesium and Francium CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Oscar : Nicholas and Zachary Leonard CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Marvin : Gilles and Gilbert Detillieux CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Oscar : Maggie and Emily Ronald CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Marvin : And the winner is definitely not me. Not that I'm surprised, after all there are categories for just about everything else, but super-intelligence seems to be noticeably absent. Even if there was one you probably wouldn't have voted for me. Oscar : The award by a vote of 2 to 1, goes to Cesium and Francium. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Cesium : I'd like to thank the academy I can't believe our luck Francium: Of course it's more quite probably that the rest of you just suck! Gilles : Wait a minute there were only 3 votes cast, how could we have lost? Gilbert : Gee, um I don't know. Gilles : Oh my god, you didn't vote for us? Gilbert : I just thought it was a bit presumptious, that's all. Gilles : I can't believe we didn't win. Gilbert : Hey! Don't shove me. Gilles : Why? What are you going to do about it. Gilbert : Take that. Gilles : OH YEAH! Take THIS!!! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- The two twins started a commotion in the aisles, luckily Cam Mayor was the voice of reason during this troubled time. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Cam : All Right! I'm a shoo-in for Miss Congeniality. Hey Cary, I'm putting 20 on Gilles. Cary : You're on! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 21) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : Our next two presenters couldn't decide who should be introduced first, so we've agreed to let them fight it out in the parking lot. Here to present the aw... Capt. Kirk: Thank You, Again, I... Thank You! Big Arnold: It's a pleasure to be here tonight and mingle with the little people. Capt. Kirk: There are MANY important traits....of the BEST...Supporting..Actor. You MUST...be abletocarryascene....without stealing the scene from the LEAD, and most important... ACTOR. Big Arnold: It is important that you know who is in CHARGE and not like a certain Management Dean, try to overshadow anyone else's authority. Capt. Kirk: The nom-inees for BEST....Supporting... Actor ARE: Big Arnold: MacDonald for MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Capt. Kirk: ERWIN Schro...ding-er for FRANK! Ein-stein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Big Arnold: Bob Einstein for FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Capt. Kirk: JAKE! Gittes for The MAIL....teasepigeon CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Big Arnold: The Chia Pet from FrankEinstein. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP And the GUNTER goes to.... Capt. Kirk: Give me the envelope! Big Arnold: It's mine. Capt. Kirk: Give it to me. Big Arnold: Let go! Capt. Kirk: YOU let go! RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPP!! Capt. Kirk: THEGUNTERGOESTOTHECHIAPET Big Arnold: THEGUNTERGOESTOTHECHIAPE.... Capt. Kirk: HAH! Beat you! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacDave : Accepting the award for the Chia Pet is Mister Todd Herron. Todd : Thank you, thank you all. I know the Chia Pet would have loved to have been here tonight to accept this award. Unfortunately, I threw him into the trash several weeks ago. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 22) --------------------------REC----------------------------- Achille : Aha! The Trash Can! I knew we had overlooked something. Beestings: So Todd, must have dumped Paul's Body in the trash can. Achille : Actually, I meant we had neglected to throw out these old empty tuna cans in your briefcase. Beestings: That is a relief, I thought that smell was you, but I wasn't about to say anything. Bob : Here, use one of my Pine Tree Air fresheners. Paul : You know I don't know what bugs me more, the fact that nobody believes I'm still alive, or the fact that my body was thrown in a trashbag and dragged around for an hour and a half. Dino : Hey we were going to hold a wake when we got back from vacation. Paul : Your concern for me is touching. Sham : So give me the straight dope. Why were you killed? Paul : That's it, I'm getting a restraining order from you guys. MacDave : Let's have a big hand for Ray Kinsella and Ward Bouton. Ward : Well Ray, what do you think is the most important part of a foreign film? Ray : MMMgglf mmmglhfg Ward : Right, good subtitles. The nominees for Best Foreign Film are.... Ray : MMngh MMnmnhg Mnurrgha Mmmnghf Ward : From Denmark Jarri Ziegfeld CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Ray : MMngh Nughgh Mrrgh Nmmunmghlf Ward : From Sweden Pelle Seindstrom CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Ray : MMngh Nunghgfl Mllgf Mnagghfllgh Ward : From Norway Yuri Hammerskjfeld CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Ray : MMngh France L'assistant cingle de laboratoire avec: Mnurrgha mnghhlghff Ward : From France L'assistant cingle de laboratoire avec: Jerry Lewisfeld CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Ray : Ngh MMngh Mngheh Mngh Mlogfllffflgh Ward : And from Texas Jed Holsteinfeller CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Ward : And the GUNTER goes to............ Ray : MMngh Mngheh Mngh Mlogfllffflgh CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Jed : Shee-it! Who in the hell won? Paul : Aw Nuts, where are the phones in this place? MacDavis : I'm sorry for the lack of concern that's been shown Why don't you borrow my cellular phone Paul : Wait a minute, you're MacDavis. Aren't you supposed to be dead? MacDavis : Did you think you were the only one who knew that trick The truth is my friend that I've never been sick MacDonald was supposed to kill me and whack off my head But with his poor aim he took out a pumpkin instead It's such a good thing that he wasn't my equal You see this paves the way for a MacDavis sequel I'm glad that I wasn't hurt in MacDonald's raid The SF Health Plan wouldn't pay for a band-aid. Paul : Look, this is really interesting, but could I borrow your phone. MacDavis : Oops, I'm so sorry I almost forgot my good man Use it and return it to me when you can Paul : Thanks. MacDavis : I'm happy that I could be of assistance But you're dead if you try to charge me long distance Paul : Yeah, whatever. Hello Central Romania? Could you send a wagon up to the Great Northern in Telgte. I think a couple of them have escaped. There's a guy named MacDavis, open shirt, hairy chest, cellular phone and about a million detectives. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 23) At first we thought that the little girl had become lost. But she walked towards the stage with such grace and sense of purpose that we knew she wasn't related to any of us. It was only when Dave announced her, the waif in the blue sun dress, that we remembered back to our youth and the first time we had met each other's aquaintance. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : The Fourth nominee for Storyline of the year is being presented by a young girl who needs no introduction. Heck, she suckered me into buying about four hundred dollars worth of cookies. And let me tell you two boxes of cookies don't last as long as they used to. Ladies and Gentlemen.......Alice. Alice : Let me take you to a place I have been And show you all the things I have seen There are wizards and witches and even a cat You get to see Sherman Hemsley squished flat Penny candy midgets who speak ne'er a word and a scarecrow with a tendency to flip the bird A tin-smith who melts down each pot and kettle and three monpolistic men made of metal A Lion with a drivers license to kill And a bit actor who we won't leave alone still A poet who's jailed for the rest of his days And opium poppies to leave your mind in a daze If you're lucky the Wicked Witch you might catch But heed my words, and don't light a match There are just so many fabulous things there to do We even have a sing along contest too It's a nice little town where the people are pretty Despite its resemblance to Atlantic City So go there alone, or storm it with Huns, A cautionary word, please don't mind the puns I have to admit it was quite a fine trip we hardly do it justice with one little clip But come with me now, and allow me to show the things that I found "Over The Rainbow" Stock Clip: She had been walking for quite some time and she was getting quite tired. The purple streets had given way to chalky blue paths that weaved through farmer's fields. She had come to a fork in the road and wondered what she could eat with it. "It is rather odd", she said out loud, "to find a fork but no dish, spoon or knife" "The dish went that way.", a voice said. Alice looked up, but there was nobody around. "And the knife went that way." Alice caught the voice this time and saw that it came from the corn field. High above stuck on a pole was a Scarecrow. "You shouldn't talk to strangers you know", she admonished him. "That is very sage advice", agreed the scarecrow, "Allow me to introduce myself", he said, tipping his top hat and jumping down to the ground, " I am Trudeau. As a scarecrow I must keep an eye on the crow rate. The farmers nearby are always talking about the crow rate." "My name is Alice. I am very pleased to meet you Trudeau. I wasn't expecting you to be so friendly, people with a stick up their butts seldom are." "That is quite true. Say is that a cat?" "Yes.", replied Alice, "This is my pet cat Dinah. Why? Is there something wrong with her?" "Not at all, I am something of a PET myself. But I am used to seeing Scottish Terriers and the like. Especially in the company of young girls." -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 24) After Alice had gracefully exited the stage, there seemed to be some confusion backstage. There appeared to be some doubt over what the next presentation was to be. I zoomed in on our host to see what the problem was. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Dino : O.K. I'm all ready for my scene. Jeff : What scene? What's going on? Dino : I'm all ready to sing. Jeff : What? Dino : You told me I could do a soliloquy. Jeff : Yeah, but not today. Dino : But I'm all ready! Vaughn : What's going on? Jeff : Dino's trying to turn this into the Muppet show. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- There was a brief delay and then Dino and Paul took the stage. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Paul : Dino, Dino and the Sacred Fork Holding it when he crams Dino does it bring you luck When you write your exams? Dino : I heard of this famous fork years ago Back when I was in Grade ten And me not being very bright I sure needed to use it then Let me tell you how the fork Came into my posession And how when I hold it in my hands It keeps me from random guessing Paul : And Dino said.... Dino : The Sacred Fork was something I bought back in High School 'cause me not being all that smart I needed a lucky tool So I saved up my milk money And took it to the can, sirs Where there used to be a guy Who would sell the exam answers Three minutes, I waited patiently till he returned from shop class with a piece of cutlery "How long are you going to hold the fork?" He really wanted to know But I didn't listen, I just grabbed the fork, and said "I'll never let it go." Paul : Now Dino did exceptional the whole examination through. But something he didn't notice was The Fork was covered in glue Dino : Back to his friend Paul He took his rotten luck and he said "Oh Help Paul, I'm kind of Stuck" But Paul sent him away to see Jeff And Said "Poor Dino's gonna get an F" Paul : And so to Jeffrey, Dino did run and he said "Help Jeff, what have I done?" and Jeff said "you got your soliloquy but now you're bonded to a piece of cutlery" Then Dino took the fork with him to the U And kids would laugh at him, the whole year through But Dino would get to laugh last He'd ace the exams with the fork bonded fast Dino, Dino and the Sacred Fork Holding it when he crams Dino does it bring you luck When you write your exams? -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- The entire audience was stunned. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : Our next couple have promised not to sing if we pay a mere five hundred dollars. Judging from the atrocities performed earlier tonight, I'd say that's quite a bargain. Here are Mariel Hemmingway and her father, the Old man from Ward C. Old Man : The nominees for the Best Inanimate object are... Mariel : Grilled Cheese Sandwich from The Mail-tease Pigeon CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Old Man : Clay Ashtray from FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Mariel : Pine tree Air-Freshener from FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Old Man : Ruby Slippers from FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Mariel : Mr. Muggs Lunchbox from Dick and Jane CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Old Man : And the award for Best inanimate object goes to the Gr.... Umm,.... Sandy Eggo. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- The Old man proceeded to pull out a sock from his coat, place it on his hand and speak in a high-pitched squeaky voice. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Sandy Eggo: Oh, Thank you, thank you very much. I sure do like this award. Oh yes, it's very nice. Is there any cash that comes with it? -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- The old man ducked under the podium, remembering the Best Stunt Man fiasco, Luckily however, the injured parties were all inanimate. ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 25) The old man stayed behind the podium and waved his sock puppet in the air. MacDave seemed somewhat at a loss on how to proceed, but finally stepped up to the microphone and announced: --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : As long as he's already here why don't we speed things up and allow our little friend here to present the next award. Presenting with Sandy Eggo will be the bouncer at the lodge our own Senor Droolcup...... the Gustibeast. Old Man : Uh oh! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- Neither myself, the crowd, nor the old man were ready for the sight that shook the lodge and ambled out on to the stage. The vibrations were enough to shake the camera out of my hands. The film footage seems to have been temporarily damaged. When I took the time to view it later, it appeared fuzzy and the gustibeast scenes were of such poor quality that shapes were unrecognizable. Only the sound quality remained intact. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Sandy Eggo: Thank you, it's really great to be here. Gustibeast: RROARRR! ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga arimasu. (RROARRR! I love shrimp! Of course to me you are all shrimps!) Sandy Eggo: The nominees for Best recurring character are.... Gustibeast: .....ga arimasu (....all shrimps) Sandy Eggo: The old Man from Ward C Gustibeast: arimasu! (shrimp!) CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sandy Eggo: Winston Salem Gustibeast: arimasu! (shrimp!) CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sandy Eggo: MacBain Gustibeast: arimasu! (shrimp!) CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sandy Eggo: Dr. Zeke Gustibeast: arimasu! (shrimp!) CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sandy Eggo: Fred MacMurray Gustibeast: arimasu! (shrimp!) CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sandy Eggo: And the Best Recurring Character award goes to umm, me , I mean the old ma... Gustibeast: RRRROOAAARRRRR!!! CHOMPPPPPPPPPPPP! Old Man : OWWW!! Sh!!!T MY HAND!!!! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 26) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : Here are two people who really know how to break a party up early. From the Mailtease Pigeon, here are Spiro Agnew and Ed MacMahon. MacMahon : HaHaHa, well how many people can say they've worked with a man whose name can be rearranged to spell Grow a Penis? Mr. Spiro : Everywhere I go. I'm always working with dicks. MacMahon : You're not alone buddy. Mr. Spiro : We're here to present the nominees for Best Short Storyline. Jeff : At last. It's about time I won my own award! MacMahon : The nominees are.... Mr.Spiro : On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacMahon : The Old Man in Ward C CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Mr. Spiro : Dick and Jane CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacMahon : Interview with the Umpire CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Mr. Spiro : Seintology CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacMahon : HaHaHa Let's see what the judges thought. Mr. Spiro : The award goes to Interview with the Umpire written by Cam Mayor. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Cam : Hey! How about that! I won. Jeff : I don't believe this. Cam : Thank you, thank you. You know it's amazing what you can do with 15 seconds of material and two hours of spare time. Cary : Hey look what Jeff did with 15 seconds of material and six weeks worth of spare time. Vaughn : What? Did I miss the 15 seconds? MacMahon : As long as we have some time why don't we run a bit of it. Stock Clip: *************************** Interview with the Umpire (episode 1) Helen Slater: So, ...was he out? Pauly: Yeah. Mr. Spiro : So what part of the story did we see? Beginning or End? Cam : Yep. Mr. Spiro : Well which was it, beginning or end? Cam : Both. Mr. Spiro : You mean that's the whole story? MacMahon : HaHaHa! Well the judges certainly loved it. You got fours all across the board, and you can come back again next week. Mr. Spiro : I didn't love it. What the hell kind of stupid story is that? Why does that win best Short Story? Cam : Well gee, I couldn't have made it much shorter. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 27) --------------------------REC----------------------------- Sherlock : O.K. Let's go over this one last time. Paul is not dead. This is Paul. I know it's Paul because I saw him in the bathroom. Tom : So you're the one who's always peeking over the top of the stalls. Sherlock : Hey! He followed me in, got it! Winston : How do we know it's the real Paul? Paul : Ask me something only I would know. Achille : Good idea. Beestings : What to ask..... Sham : Hmmmmmmm........ Jake : Did you know suede is for fags? Paul : I'll KILL him! Let me at him!! Bart : If that's not Paul, then someone sure did his homework. MacDave : There have been many memorable lines in the Sigfile Follies, my personal favourite was.... LUNCH!!!! Yeah I know but it was either that or CLAP CLAP CLAP, and mine was funny. Here to introduce the top five are Chico the Pizza Boy and Rodney, the third apparition from MacDavis. Apparition: So Chico, which of us grew up in the tougher neighbourhood? Chico : Atsa easy one, gimme da trophy. Apparition: Hey, slow down. We're not up for the award, I was just asking. Besides, let me tell ya, My neighbourhood was tough. Chico : Izzata fact, I bet shesa not so tough as mine. Apparition: A bet eh?, How much? Chico : How mucha dat trophy worth? Apparition: It ain't worth it. Chico : Howza bout a buck? Apparition: You're on. Chico : So, how tough was your neighbourhood? Apparition: My neighbourhood was so tough, on Halloween the kids didn't throw eggs, they threw whole chickens. Chico : At's not so tough, inna my neighbourhood, we usedta trow da bull. Apparition: That is tough. Chico : Let's just say you no wanna walk down da street. Apparition: I can't even imagine the potholes. Chico : Potholes? Apparition: Yeah, potholes. You know... in the street. Chico : You hadda keep yo pots in holes inna street? Chee dat is tough. Apparition: No we didn't ke....... Tough ya say? Chico : Sho! Atsa tough. Apparition: All right you owe me a buck. Chico : Y'got change for a ten? Apparition: Nine ones O.K. ? Chico : Atsa fine. Apparition: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 .... Hey wait a minute. Chico : Whassop? Apparition: This ten has a piece of fishing wire on it. Chico : Hey, howdyalike dat? You tryin ta steal my fission wire, ya can't trust nobody these days. Gimme dat back. Apparition: Hey what about my buck? Chico : You got change for a ten? Apparition: Never mind, I can't afford to gamble. Even when I win. Can you believe this folks? I don't even get respect from the pizza boy. Chico : The nominees for da best line of da year are: Apparition: Anything but Meatloaf, Gilbert Detillieux in Thirteen at Dinner. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Chico : At last I've found a rhyme for orange....Dunkin Donuts in MACDAVIS. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Apparition: This is so lame I can't believe I'm doing this, Mickey Mouse in Strike Four. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Chico : People wit a stick uppa dere butt seldom are, Alice in Over the Rainbow . CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Apparition: Oh, It's about Miles. Well I'd buy that magazine, Sham Spayed in The Mail-tease Pigeon. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Chico : anda dat bit about da Clay ashtray by wassis name in FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Apparition: And the Gunter goes to......... I proceeded to destroy the hideous creation on my table. Once I finished destroying the clay ashtray Erwin made in shops class, I gathered up the remains of the unfinished bride. Frank Einstein from FrankEinstein. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Frank : I'd like to thank PROZAC for keeping me awake for the last five hours, otherwise I would have slept right through this. I'd also like to thank everyone in the neighbourhood who hooked their garage doors up to the clapper. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 28) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : We have a special treat for you today. No, it's not Zima. After dragging this on for about 6 weeks, we've finally gotten down to the last few awards. Ladies and Gentlemen, today's guest presenter, Mr. Scott Adams Scott : The final nominee for Best Storyline of the Year is Thirteen at Dinner, and while it turned out I wasn't the killer after all, I don't want anyone to think I didn't really want to knock you all off for filling my mailbox with your blithering. Honest, I wanted to, but I couldn't justify using the company's expense account to fly up there. Ladies and Gentlemen, Thirteen at Dinner Stock Clip: "So you see Beestings, that he came here to write something. After he had turned his back to the door, anyone could have stabbed him." "I just noticed something Perot." "What is it mon ami?" "That's a pretty funny shirt he has on. I like the one about being the Expert Witness on Matlock." "Yes, yes, I am sure that is amusing." "So there are three of them left, one must be the murderer." "But who? At this point of time I don't think they would be out of one another's sight for very long. If one person left, the other two would alibi each other. Then case solved. Let me ask you Beestings, if you were in their position, what would be the most logical thing to do?" "I'd play Scrabble! With the one man bleeding all over the dictionary, just about any word goes." "All right now suppose you were me." "I suppose you would check the apartment for another person." "Bien Sur" "No thanks. Beans give me gas." "Come along then, we too shall check the apartment!" Perot and Beestings carefully looked around the spare bedroom. At last Perot looked towards the closet. His eyes dimmed. "Such a waste", he said, mostly to himself, though Beestings had overheard. "It really is quite horrible, isn't it?", he comforted his friend. "Yes, the poor fern, I mean, how tough is it to remember to water it every second day." "Maybe there is a watering can in the closet." With that Beestings opened the closet, and the two men quickly jumped back in horror, as the crucified body flung out towards them mockingly from the clothes closet rod where it was fastened. The body's long hair waved towards them, then stilled. "Oh man", Beestings exclaimed, "This one smells real bad." "No wonder, look he must have four or five pairs of underwear on. It's like he put on a fresh pair overtop of the others every day for a week." -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- While the clip was playing Achille Perot gathered among his fellow detectives to discuss the events which had been revealed to them moments ago. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Achille : All right. Pay attention everybody. We have been made to look the fools. There is only one way to defend our honour. Winston : And what would that be? Achille : We must kill Paul and pretend that he has been dead all along. Sham : Sounds good to me. Beestings: I say, I overheard him calling the lunatic asylum. Jake : Local call I guess. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 29) --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : Here to present the award for Best actress is..... naw, this can't be right. MacDavis? MacDonald : WHAT!!! I don't believe it! MacCheese : Hey, I still can't believe they got Scott Adams. MacKeanu : MacDonald, You idiot! You said he was dead. MacDonald : Well I thought he was. MacKeanu : Obviously not. MacDavis : Hello My friends and you suffering fools It is I, who still Scotland rules Not the Dane who feigns his melancholy He couldn't portray a border collie And MacDonald I'll ne'er forget your face I'm surprised you even found this place Who else is down there that I sees but that half-baked Mayor MacCheese You all caused me some great consternation till I learned MacBain was the brain of your operation MacBain in charge? Gad, what a joke I laughed so hard I sneezed my coke MacKeanu : I have a plan. MacCheese : Tell us, what is it? MacKeanu : We must kill MacDavis and pretend that he has been dead all along. MacDonald : That's your plan? MacKeanu : I didn't say it was a great one. MacCheese : To the trebuchet! MacDavis : And so you thought to bring me down cut off my head, usurp my crown lucky for me MacDonald missed as you can see I'm still quite pissed So I'm back to exact my revenge on you But first there's something I must do Before my anger prods me on to far The nominees for best actress are From my own play, Patti MacDavis the sweetest thing that Playbill gave us CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Lady MacDonald too, though I have my grudges I can't prove she slept with the judges MacDonald : Hey! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacDavis : And lest you think my heart grows callous From Over the Rainbow we applaud Alice CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Effie Remon the first of two women Nominated from the Mail-tease Pigeon CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP And Bridget O'Deur, I clap for she 'Cause she already gave it to me. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Where now does the Gunter go? To Alice from Over the Rainbow Alice : Thank you all, I'm quite perplexed Whatever will happen to me next? I can't believe it I'm so elated it was an honour just being nominated I'm the youngest to win as you can tell but also the oldest one as well. As long as this is my lucky day There is something that I've longed to say Young girls are taught not to be bratty act demure and never catty But to the witch beyond Park Place I say tough luck toots and IN YOUR FACE! CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Superman : Jerry, do you hear something? Jerry : Huh? what? Superman : Nothing. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 30) --------------------------REC----------------------------- Page#2 : Message for MacDavis Page#3 : Message for Paul Godavari Cary : What the..? I think my script has a page missing. MacKeanu : Where are we going to get a trebuchet? Vendor : Cold Beer, Hot Dogs, catapults. MacCheese: One please. Vendor : Ammunition? MacCheese: Yep. Vendor : Large boulder or pack of three? MacCheese: How good's your aim? MacDonald: Excellent! MacKeanu : Get the pack of three. Vendor : Pick it up by stage left. MacDonald: Stage left? I think that's my left. MacKeanu : How are we going to get MacDavis on the far side of the stage? MacCheese: I sent him a message telling him he had won the Best Actor award and to show up on stage right. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- Meanwhile........ --------------------------REC----------------------------- Sham : All right run this by me one more time. Achille : Certainment. I have sent Paul a note asking the Best Dead Actor to come congratulate the Best Actor. In order to reach stage left, he must exit his seat, come backstage and pass by this curtained area. Then when he walks by, I give the signal and Beestings here will stab him with the sword I stole off that fool MacDonald. Beestings: Me? Why me? Achille : You are a minor character, no one will suspect you. Winston : Oh my god, look up on the stage, she's found me..... MacDave : Here to present the Best Actor award, from Nineteen Ninety Four, the one armed woman, Miss Kimberly Richards. Jake : Where? I don't see her. Winston : There by the..... Bob : Mike? Achille : Listen, I hear Paul's footsteps. Polonius : Best Dead Supporting Actor is a title I hear I stand a good chance of winning next year. ClodsRus : Hark! Hear one of our countrymen call Paul : How's it going Polonius? Polonius : Pretty good Paul. Achille : When I say...... ClodsRus : Someone is waving to you yet again. Achille : ......NOW! Polonius : He'll ha..ULLLGKJH! Lo, I am slain. Kimberly : The nominees for Best Actor are..... Beestings: Oh Dear, I think I've made a frightful mess of this. Kimberly : MacDavis in MACDAVIS CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Achille : Idiot, you got the wrong man. Sham : No sweat, Jake'll get him across the stage. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Kimberly : Winston Salem in Nineteen-Ninety-Four Winston : Oh hey, that's me. Kimberly : Sham Spayed in The Mail-tease Pigeon CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sham : I'm up for this dingus too. Kimberly : Achille Perot in Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Achille : Ah yes, must wax my moustache. Kimberly : Frank Einstein in FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Bob : Come on Big Brother. Kimberly : And the Gunter goes to....... MacDonald: Catapult is armed. MacCheese: I'll give you the signal. MacKeanu : All right I see him, he's in sight. Kimberly : MacDavis for MacDavis. CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP MacCheese: Hold your fire. MacDonald: WHAT??? MacCheese: The idiot won. MacDavis : Thank you, thank you to one and all It did my heart good to hear you call Good times in life so short they last while all our tomorrows slip away fast. Every day we skirt death's icy grasp And so to mortal things we clasp Who knows how close one's death could be I can almost feel it stalking me Many Thanks for this excellent prize Something I can hold to the day I dies Superman : Jerry, do you smell something? Jerry : Huh? what? Superman : Nothing. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 31) Stage Left : --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacCheese : Okay, let's try again. He's moving over to talk to Paul. Don't cut the cord till I tell you to. MacKeanu : Dammit! Paul is in the way. MacDonald : Just give me the signal -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- Stage Right: --------------------------REC----------------------------- Sham : Okay, this time for sure. You got him lined up? Jake : Dammit! MacDavis is in the way. Let me know when I'm clear. Sham : I'll give you the signal -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- MacDave moved to centre stage for what he hoped would be the final time. In the audience the giant had reappeared. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDave : Finally, after all the waiting. I promise this is the last award. Giant : I forgot to tell you something Jeff : This is a bad time. Giant : It's going to be a hot time in the old town tonight. MacDave : Please welcome Miss Audrey Horne and Miss Sherilyn Fenn. Dwarf : One and the same. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- The two women walked in with the final prize of the evening. Audrey was dressed in a black evening gown and Sherilyn wore Blue Velvet. Audrey placed the trophy in the exact centre of the podium shelf. She turned to the woman who could easily have been mistaken for her sister. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Audrey : It's good to see you again. Sherilyn : Yes, you haven't been doing much lately, have you? Audrey : No thanks to you. Sherilyn : My career has been coming along quite well, thank you. Audrey : Is that a fact. Sherilyn : Yes, while I'm here I might as well plug my newest movie. I'll be starring in the Elizabeth Taylor Story later this month. I hope you'll all watch it. Audrey : (Snicker) Sherilyn : What is it? Audrey : Well you see Miss Fenn, it just so happens that I've met Elizabeth Taylor, and you miss, are no Elizabeth Taylor. Alice : I've met the Queen of Diamonds, and Audrey is no Queen of Diamonds either. Sherilyn : And you are no Sherilyn Fenn. But enough girl-talk. The nominees for Best Storyline of the year are..... Jeff : This is it, I'm finally going to win. Audrey : FrankEinstein CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sherilyn : MacDavis CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Audrey : The Mail-tease Pigeon CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Sherilyn : Thirteen at Dinner CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP Audrey : Over the Rainbow CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- There was an increasing amount of commotion. Jeff had started down the middle of the aisle towards the podium in anticipation of the award he had waited so long to win. He was oblivious to the commotion on either side of the stage. While Paul and MacDavis were waiting in the wings, Jake Gittes steadied his pistol and MacDonald readied his knife to cut the cord and release the trebuchet. A faint musky odour seemed to pervade the whole scene. In the background outside we could hear a soft wailing. We watched as Jeff walked towards the stage, the wailing sound increasing in intensity as he neared. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDonald : Just give me the signal Jake : Just give me the f***ing signal. Sherilyn : And the Gunter goes to......... -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- And then we noticed the flames. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF IIIIIIIIIIIIIII RRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF IIIIIIIIIIIIIII RRRRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FFFF III RRRR RRRR EEEE FFFF III RRRR RRRRR EEEE FFFFFFFFFF III RRRR RRRRR EEEEEEEEEEE FFFFFFFFFF III RRRRRRRRRRR EEEEEEEEEEE FFFF III RRRR RRRR EEEE FFFF III RRRR RRRR EEEE FFFF III RRRR RRRR EEEE FFFF IIIIIIIIIIIIIII RRRR RRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FFFF IIIIIIIIIIIIIII RRRR RRRR EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ******************************************************************************** ******************************************************************************** The Meeting at Telgte (Episode 32) Sirens wailed, the front curtain of the stage came crashing down as Paul and MacDavis jumped away fom the falling counterweights. Orange flames swallowed the curtains up in an instant. A shot rang out and I heard someone curse. The makeshift catapult caught fire. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDonald : Ow! Sh!t my hand.. Stupid ACME trebuchet. Take that! .......and that! ....and this! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- Once more the lodge shook with the scream of --------------------------REC----------------------------- FIRE! Sherilyn : Walk with me. Jeff : But my award! Sherilyn : This whole place is on fire, we have to go. Jeff : We've got to get my award. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- The sirens were screaming at banshee intensity. Sherilyn pulled Jeff's arm, leading him away from the stage and out into the cool night air. All around was chaos. They stood mesmerized by the rows of wagons with their red lights flashing and sirens blaring. MacDonald, still kicking the ACME catapult, was the first person picked up. --------------------------REC----------------------------- MacDonald : Stupid trebuchet, I hate you. I hate you. Guard#1 : All right, let's stop kicking the nice toy. MacDonald : I hate y.....Who are you guys? Guard#2 : We're here to help you. MacDonald : Are you from the loony-bin? Guard#1 : Don't think so negatively. We call it a hospital. We treat you with repect there. Think of us as your friends. Guard#3 : ALL RIGHT!!! LET'S PICK UP THE LOT OF THESE WACKOS AND DUMP THEM IN THE RUBBER ROOMS A S A P! -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- MacDonald was led into the first of the wagons, its siren still screaming. --------------------------REC----------------------------- Jeff : Without fear, she screams. Giant : I told you so. Jeff : I have to get my award. Sherilyn : Leave it, it's just a silly pen emerging from some rubble. Jeff : We can't just leave! What about....? Sherilyn : Don't worry, Audrey never dies. Quick, this way. Guard#1 : Hello Miss Horne. Sherilyn : Hello Boys, this is my brother Johnnie, Dad wants me to take him home. Guard#2 : Sure Miss Horne, run along now. Jeff : How did you.....? Sherilyn : It's all who you know. Ed : Hey, you didn't tell me she was going to be here. Cary : Oh, like you should complain. Jeff : Oh no! Now we're in trouble. Sherilyn : Leave the guards to me. Jeff : Guards schmards, here comes my wife. Maybe my ring will save me. Guard#1 : All right everybody into the wagon. Gustibeast: RROARRR! ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga arimasu. (RROARRR! I love shrimp! Of course to me you are all shrimps!) Guard#1 : Except maybe him. Cam : rroooar, domo arigato Mr. Roboto. Guard#2 : You too, into the wagon Paul : Wait, there's been a mistake. I called you. Guard#1 : Sure you did. Dino : Don't listen to him, he's nuts. Guard#1 : Well, you'd know, wouldn't you? Paul : So who do you think called you? Guard#1 : An award-winning actor named Paul, Do you have an award? Paul : Newman! Dino : Do I get to ring the bell? Guard#2 : Sure you can, into the wagon. Doug C. : Will this take long? I start teaching in New Zealand this fall. Tom : I should really be with my wife, and I just KNOW she's not going to buy this excuse. Cary Grant: You must have me confused with somebody else. I've never met these people before in my life. Guard#2 : Into the truck buddy. Emily : All I know is that I said, "let's go see a movie tonight", but NOOOOOOOOOOO, someone decides, "let's go to the awards show and get locked up in the looney-bin. Maggie : Em, be a love, Shut up. Ed : I have a date with Claudia Schiffer tonight. Guard#3 : OOOH! That's a new one. Gilbert : Will I get meatloaf for dinner? Guard#2 : No. Gilbert : Let's Go! Doug S. : Do you guys get cable? Dave F. : I was planning on going to a wedding on the long weekend. Dirk : I'm betting on there being a slight delay. Todd : You know, normally I enjoy travelling overseas, seeing other cultures first-hand. Rick : I just know the baby-sitter is going to charge me extra for this. Vaughn : Should old aquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind...... Willem : Boy, this brings back memories. Steve : Yep, it's like high school with a liquor license. Guard#4 : You with the camera, what are you doing? Me : I'm from the CBC. Guard#4 : Do we take him too? Guard#5 : No, the government has wasted enough money on him. MacFudd : Dere bettah not be any wabbits in dere. Guard#5 : No sir, you won't have to worry about any wascawwy wabbits anymore. Guard#4 : C'mon buddy, in you go. MacBain : Karefull I brooze ezee. Guard#4 : And your little friend too. MacDavis : But I'm MacDavis. Guard#6 : Yeah, and I'm Willie Nelson. Into the truck pal. Huw : I can't stand the idea of being locked in a room with these guys. Old Man : You get used to it. Oscar : Been there, done that. Karen : Listen, we're supposed to get married this weekend. Gilles : I have to get my tux fitted tonight. Karen : You didn't really leave it to the last minute did you? Gilles : Um, no. Guard#6 : We'll take care of it sonny, into the truck now. Guard#5 : Is that it? Guard#6 : Everyone's accounted for except for Clark Kent. Jerry : Help us Superman! We've got to get out of here. Superman : Feel weak, can't hang onnnnnn........... Russ : Hey Cam, where did you get that shiny green rock? Cam : Isn't it cool? There was a whole bunch of it outside the lodge. Mulder : Excuse me m'am are you the owner of the lodge. Dame C : Yes, I'm Dame Cooper. Mulder : And your first name would be....? Dame C : Diane. Mulder : Of course it is. Scully : Have you witnessed anything out of the ordinary recently? Dame C : No, what are you doing here? Mulder : We're looking for the truth m'am. Dame C : The truth is out there. Mulder : That's our line. Scully : Would you come with me please. -------------------------PAUSE---------------------------- The sirens screamed and the wagons took all of my friends away. The Bridge Tavern had no other guest than fire. Alone, I watched the fire consume the lodge. All that we had worked for, all that we had done in the previous months seemed to burn up in a matter of minutes. From the rear gable, the smolder had eaten into the drafty attic, where, drawing breath it seized upon bales of straw, spread out for sleeping, burst into running flames that leapt up to the rafters, pierced the thatched roof on both sides, consumed the floorboards and raced down the attic stairs into the great hall. Sheaves of flame soon burst into the open from all the windows and rising skyward at one with the flaming roof, gave the conflagration ultimate beauty. That was how I saw it. I watched satisfied and felt warmed by the orange glow. Over the following years I was sure that everyone would find a way out of the asylums that the vans were now screaming towards. But no one would gather us together again and no one would receive another GUNTER award all the likes of which were now surrounded by smoke and fire, trapped forever in the rubble. I know how much further adventures would have meant to us. I know who I was then. I know even more. But who set the Bridge Tavern on fire I don't know, I don't know......... -------------------------STOP----------------------------- ********************************************************************************

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