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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 1)
Alice sat with her cat Dinah and listened to the funny little man at
the front of lecture hall 234A.
"Look at the damn circuit", the little man was saying, "Where does
the current go? The current goes here, the current goes there,
it's all Ohm's law."
Alice looked at her sister, she had fallen asleep several minutes ago.
"In that case", thought Alice, "I shall see if anything interesting is
happening." And she walked up the ramp and exited into the hallway.
She walked down the hallway towards the staircase, stopping by the front door.
When Alice stood in the doorway and looked around, she could see nothing
but the great grey prairie on every side. She was determined to find the
micro-computer lab on the fourth floor.
"I wonder how large a micro-computer is", Alice thought, "I think
three inches would be a very nice height indeed." She had been going
some way, when she realized that she had lost count of the number of
floors. She hailed to a passing man with long hair, "Excuse me sir",
she said respectfully, "Is the fourth floor at the top or the bottom
of these stairs?"
"Yes, it is." the man replied. Alice was not amused.
"I am not amused", she said, "What I meant was, which way leads to
the fourth floor?"
"And I did not mean to amuse you, else you would be howling in hysterics.
What I meant was that the fourth floor is at the top and the bottom
of this set of stairs."
"Curioser and curiouser", said Alice and just to be certain she walked
up an extra set of stairs. The stairs came to an end, and she walked
through a set of black doors into another hallway. She followed
Dinah, who ran down the hall past a series of windows that looked down
upon what appeared to be a bookstore.
"I should love to be able to get in there", she thought.
She looked up at the signs that had been hung in the hall:
WORK IS PITHY
LABS ARE SLAVERY
IGNORANCE IS ESSENTIAL
"It's Deja Vu all over again", said Alice, and she wondered where she
had heard that line before. There was an open doorway and she walked inside.
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 2)
"May I help you?", the man asked, he was dressed in tall blue robes
and wore a pointy hat.
"Can anyone help you?", Alice rebutted.
"Don't mind me, I'm just conjuring up some Electric Fields."
Alice remembered something she had heard once about not arguing with
someone who had a pointy hat.
"I just came in here looking for my cat Dinah", Alice lied.
The man with the pointy hat considered pulling out his banjo, but thought
better of it.
"Your cat is obviously still outside...", he started. Dinah looked outside
where she saw her cat begin to grin then disappear and reappear.
"...so you must have had something in mind."
Alice thought for a minute. When the time was up she announced,
"I should like to go somewhere interesting."
"That is easily arranged. Look up on my shelves, what do you see?"
"Quite a number of empty soda cans, I dare say you will be rich,
if they ever return the deposit on them."
"Besides the soda cans, what do you see."
"Books?" Alice asked.
"Yes, books my dear can take you somewhere instantly."
"I hardly think that `Time Harmonic Electromagnetic Fields' will
take me anywhere interesting."
"There are OTHER books", the man in the pointy hat said, handing her a small
golden book.
"And this will take me there?" Alice asked as she was about to open the
front cover.
"Most assuredly."
"You aren't "the Pagemaster TM" are you?", she inquired.
"Not at all", said the man in the pointy hat, "Why do you ask?"
"To get an answer", Alice remarked indignantly.
"I meant Why does it matter?"
"I shouldn't want you to be the Pagemaster TM ", said Alice. "I don't
fancy myself being portrayed by Macauly Culkin, nor seeing him between
the covers, if you catch my drift.
"I think I understand. Enjoy the book and bring it back when you are done."
Alice walked out into the hallway, she found a comfortable bench and
sat down to read. The front cover showed a picture of a rainbow.
"As long as I am going somewhere, I can at least look for a pot of gold
or a treasure chest", she thought. Opening the book she started to read,
and proclaimed that she had chosen the wrong end of the book. She was
disappointed that the book did not start with a treasure chest.
It starts with a house.
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 3)
The house was small and only had one room, Alice imagined going over to
the door and stepped outside. Before where she had seen only grey prairie,
she now saw a colourful world, complete with deep purple streets she thought
only existed in the Mediterranean. She took one or two steps and then
stopped. She thought she had heard a giggling sound. She took a few more
steps and then heard it again.
"Stop it!", she cried, "I bet you look funny when you walk too."
She watched as Dinah ran into a bush and spooked a chocolate rabbit from
its hiding place. She turned around and was surprised to see a woman
dressed up like a witch from a storybook, complete with magic wand.
"I'm sorry my dear, I meant not to frighten you.
I've been sent here just to enlighten you"
"You scared the wits practically out of me", Alice replied. "I didn't expect
you to just sneak up behind me. Shouldn't there be a glowing ball of light
heralding your presence or something."
"I agree my dear, but the writer's a louse
and he spent all the SFX cash on the house
Look at the horrible dress that I've gowned
and this second rate wand that somebody found
The overall impression is quite the pits
and the lines I am given, the writing's the shits.
I'm sick of the rhyming I've done it before
I don't think I can possibly take any more"
"Who are you exactly?" Alice asked
"My friends call me Cassandra the Witch
A good job, but I'm afraid it won't make you rich.
Unless you're a bad witch, which I guess you could be
After dropping a house on Sherman Helmsley."
Alice looked back, sure enough there was Sherman Helmsley
sprawled under the front porch. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it.
I'm not a witch at all. Honest."
There was more giggling.
"Don't be afraid of these little dandys
This is the land of the Penny-Candys
They're not used to seeing a house around here
And certainly nobody ever made one appear
They giggle alot, cause they're so downright punchy
But they're scared of a witch when she has the munchies"
Alice watched as little lollypop men and women came out from under the bushes.
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 4)
"This is certainly a very interesting place", Alice remarked.
"But it doesn't appear to be a very rich place. I don't suppose there
would be a chest between these two streets would there?"
"My dear I fear, you should give it a rest
You're only twelve why do you need a chest?"
"Actually I was looking for a way to make some quick cash."
"I'm afraid that the penny-candys are quite cheap my dear
If it's money you want you won't get it here
But follow the colourful streets all the day
and you might pick some up by chance on the way
I'd like to help you, but you see I must go
I'm only being paid for a quick cameo"
Just then a woman ran out in even more garish rags spraying a bottle
of lysol and cackling.
"My goodness, Anywhere I would know that face
It's the evil witch from beyond Park Place"
"Who has gone and dropped a house on my wicked brother?", the witch cackled.
"Wait a minute. This is ridiculous", Alice began, "How can you two
be brother and sister?"
"Watch your manners dearie", the witch said and slapped at Alice's cat.
Cassandra stepped forward and addressed the witch:
I think it is an unwise thing to do
Alice may make a house drop on you
Go home Leona and count all your cash
or I'll have Alice summon up one in a flash
Leona Helmsley looked up at the sky. "You've won this round my little
pretty. But the world isn't as cheap as these penny candys make it out.
Watch where you step my dear or you'll have to pay me $200 or 10% of what
you own." She ran away cackling and spraying lysol.
"Couldn't we get a smoke bomb or something a little more dramatic?"
Alice wondered.
Cassandra looked at Alice
Don't worry about Sherman, I'm glad that you did it
That amen show was vermin, it made me feel like an idjet
If it's money you want, I wish you good luck
The most you'll make here is rent of four bucks.
The Emerald Streets are the places that you want
there is a winsome chap there, who has a little haunt
Housing does get more expensive though
So start at the start and then go go GO.
Alice looked down at her feet, the little Orange arrow pointed forward
down the penny candy's purple streets and out towards the distant
fields.
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 5)
She had been walking for quite some time and she was getting quite
tired. The purple streets had given way to chalky blue paths that weaved
through farmer's fields. She had come to a fork in the road and wondered
what she could eat with it.
"It is rather odd", she said out loud, "to find a fork but no dish,
spoon or knife"
"The dish went that way.", a voice said.
Alice looked up, but there was nobody around.
"And the knife went that way."
Alice caught the voice this time and saw that it came from the corn field.
High above stuck on a pole was a Scarecrow.
"You shouldn't talk to strangers you know", she admonished him.
"That is very sage advice", agreed the scarecrow, "Allow me to
introduce myself", he said, tipping his top hat and jumping down to the ground,
" I am Trudeau. As a scarecrow I must keep an eye on the crow rate. The
farmers nearby are always talking about the crow rate."
"My name is Alice. I am very pleased to meet you Trudeau. I wasn't
expecting you to be so friendly, people with a stick up their butts seldom are."
"That is quite true. Say is that a cat?"
"Yes.", replied Alice, "This is my pet cat Dinah. Why? Is there something
wrong with her?"
"Not at all, I am something of a PET myself. But I am used to seeing
Scottish Terriers and the like. Especially in the company of young girls."
"Please Trudeau", Alice begged, "Tell me about the fork."
Trudeau began to dance and sing:
Hey Fuddle Duddle
We're in such a muddle
Since the dish ran away with the spoon
Mac the Knife left for Scotland because
There isn't any food coming soon
"You mean there isn't any food here at all?", Alice asked.
"But these are farm fields. You must be growing something."
"No, nothing but weeds." admitted the scarecrow. And he began to sing
some more.
You see I feel like such a lummox
that we have these empty stomachs
I know it's quite a pain.
But I'm in anticipation
of some precipitation
And then we'll have some rain
Oh I would feel great
if it would precipitate
cause we could harvest wheat
and then have some bread to eat
But I'm afraid I'll go insane
cause I haven't got a grain.
"That certainly is a bad pun.", Alice told him. "So I will give you another
one. Since we both want some dough, you should come with me to the Emerald
streets. But you must promise not to rhyme, I have had quite enough, that
witch from segments three and four gave me an awful head-ache."
"Fair enough", he said and he pulled out the wheelbarrow he had at
the ready. "Jump in."
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 6)
They had gone quite some ways, and they both stopped to rest.
"I wish there was a quicker way to get around", Alice said.
"But there is", announced Trudeau, "We can take the Reading.", he pointed to
the railroad tracks.
"A train? Why didn't you tell me before?"
"Because Train rhymes with grain and rain and brain, and you said you
didn't want to hear any more rhyming."
"From now on let's not make any unnecessary rhyming."
They hopped aboard the moving locomotive and were soon on their way.
The train pulled up at the St. Charles Street station.
"Things are certainly much busier here", Alice remarked as she watched
a young man scurry down the violet coloured streets with an iron.
"He seems to be collecting quite a pile of these things.", Trudeau remarked.
"Excuse me", Alice called as the young man raced by with a metal thimble.
"Why are you collecting all this metal?"
"Because there's a scrap metal drive going on young lady. Permit me to
introduce myself. I am Sterling, The Tin-Man. I collect all sorts
of metal, but I specialize in Tin."
"Why do you need all this scrap metal though?", they asked.
And the Tin-man started to tell them:
When you're out collecting metal
take any pot, pan and kettle
and then just melt it down
Scrape off impurities
do with it what you please
you can even make a crown
A battleship a cannon
Whatever you are planning
can be made with ease
But war is just a lot of fussing
What is it good for? nothing
I only aim to please
Oh I think that it is wise
if people could just harmonize
I love to dance and sing
and rhyme most everything
Accompaniment would sound so sharp
But I haven't got a harp
"A harp? But surely that can't be hard to make?", Alice asked.
"Well listen to the prototype I've made", begged Sterling. And he
played the makeshift harp he had made.
"It sounds a bit tinny if you ask me", said Trudeau.
"There is definitely something missing.", Alice agreed.
"Of course there is, I can't make the note C!"
"Then, you should come with us", Trudeau exclaimed. "To the Emerald
streets. I'm sure we'll find your `DO' there!"
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 7)
Alice was surprised when the violet streets turned to gold. Sterling
was not and found himself singing:
Metal Metal everywhere that glows upon the street
Metal Metal everywhere but not a chunk to eat
"I don't fancy eating metal", said Alice.
"Oh but you should, you really should try it!" said a voice.
Alice was startled to see a squat little man walk out from behind a tree.
"It's very important that you get Iron in your diet!", said another
voice which came from an almost identical twin.
"And Zinc!", said the first man.
"And Copper", replied the second
"And Silver"
"And Magnesium"
"And Strontium"
"Well perhaps not strontium."
"Who are you?", asked Alice.
"One of us is Cesium.", said the first man
"And the other of us is Francium", said his brother.
"But how do I know who is who?", asked Alice.
"That's easy", said the first man.
"Francium is more active", replied the second man.
And the two men began to sing:
Francium and Cesium, we're twins as you can see
we do the exact same job at the Electric Company
We are in charge of power flow, of that we must keep track
Francium turns the switches on and Cesium sets them back
It's fun to deride our customers, they're so much fun to taunt
Because we are a Monopoly we can charge them what we want
I randomly estimate their bills whenever I get the urge
And if they don't pay me what I ask they get a power surge
It's fun to watch them scream and shout they always call us jerks
But with us they can not be without, else nothing ever works
So treat us kindly travellers because you never know
When we get the telephone Monopoly we'll run the whole damned show.
The two men fell to the ground laughing at their little jest. The second
man got up and dusted himself off, the first lay on the golden street
gasping for air.
"You must be Francium", Alice addressed the second man.
"No, said the man on the ground. I am Francium."
"But you don't look very active."
"My mother always said I had potential.", Francium giggled.
"I sot ope so!", said Cesium.
The two men giggled and rolled around on the street some more.
This time Francium did appear more active.
"What strange reactions", thought Alice.
"Let us be on our way then", Sterling announced. "We can take the
Pennsylvania Railroad just down the street."
"Give our regards to the drips at the Waterworks", the brothers called.
And they watched as the train roared past.
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 8)
The train came to a stop, and they alit under a sign that read:
"Free Parking" There was a bench and the three of them sat down to rest.
"It certainly is a long way to the Emerald Streets", Alice noted.
"Rent just keeps getting more and more expensive", Trudeau agreed.
"I smell lysol", commented Sterling.
Sure enough Leona Helmsley ran out of the train station, spraying
everything with lysol.
"It sure is far to the Emerald streets", she mimiced, "Rent just
keeps getting more expensive, Ha! Luxury! You don't know what expensive is!
Why back in my day... THUMP!!!!!!!!!!"
She had just been struck by a car. A lion jumped out and started waving them
away. "Get out! Hey, Get out! This is my parking space."
"Pardon me", Alice said rather indignantly, "But we were here first."
"Not True, Not true!", replied the lion, "I was here yesterday.
Besides check the sign. It says Free Parking, and I was born Free."
"Pleased to meet you Free, my name is Alice.", Alice curtseyed.
"Oh I'm not Free anymore, nothing is Free these days."
"I am Trudeau"
"Please to meet you Trudeau, You may call me Lyon."
"And you may call me Sterling, Lyon."
Lyon paused, it wasn't that great a joke after all.
"Oh what has happened to the witch?", Alice asked.
Sure enough Leona had disappeared from under the fender of the car.
"I didn't realize I had hit anybody", Lyon commented.
"I guess not", said Trudeau noting the little brown jug in the back
of the car.
"That is sustenance." Lyon proclaimed boldly.
"Why do you need that for sustenance?", Sterling asked, "shouldn't you be
eating nuts and berries?"
And to Alice's chagrin the animal began to sing
You think life's a bowl of cherries
When you're eating nuts and berries
I'm afraid it isn't so
I used to drive, looking for meat
whatever I ran over I'd eat
But I'm cursed now don'tcha know
This curse that I am carrying
Makes me a vegetarian
And I hate eating my greens
It's a fate much worse than death
Walking round with cabbage breath
and brushing in betweens
I'd be happy if someone gifted
could see to getting this curse lifted
Cause the shrubs are getting bare
I would have quite long endurance
If I only had some currants
And of course you know I'd share
"Maybe there are some currants there", said the tin-man pointing
to the distant poppy-fields.
"You really should come with us", said Alice. "I am off to the Emerald
streets to get some Dough."
"I'd like to make some dough too", agreed the Scarecrow.
"I'd love to hear a DO", agreed the Tin-man.
"All right I'll come.", said Lyon. "I haven't had a doe in the longest time."
And they set off, down the red poppy paths.
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 9)
"I don't know what kind of poppies these are", snorted the lion,
"but sniffing them is sure making the story fly by."
"I still don't know why you can't eat red meat", Alice told Lyon,
although looking into his eyes she was suddenly glad he couldn't.
"Yes", said Trudeau, "You said you were cursed, but who cursed you?"
"Could it be that you have never heard?", asked the lion
"Never heard what?", asked Sterling.
"Why, the story of the Burger King."
The lion cleared his throat and began:
"The story of the Burger King"
"Was prithig under the tree of larch
I set to start a big book of barch
But from my gullet came a grumble
Methjinks a cake I could crumble
Alas I spurn Mc Dlt
McRib is naught but spam u c
From ponds the algae that they slake
is used each year for Shamrock Shake
I stooped to watch this brinous brook
and yet while I did take a look
I saw a sight I say did sing
the glories of the Burger King
From under this aqueous layer
a tin-man said a little prayer
That he would not turn to rust
ere he ate a burger of sawdust
And who indeed should chance upon
this most melancholy little psalm
But he who men search for in vain
sitting on a throne of a bun, plain
He was led in quick succession
by such a condiment procession
Colonel Mustard led his army by
shooting vinegar looks from every eye
A Ketchup bottle fired salutes
while smaller packets stamped their boots
I could tell it was no whim
how his subjects relished him
And who came next to my surprise
but pickles and legions of fries
They marched up to the tin-man proud
the king arose, his subjects bowed
"Stand up young man, voice your dispair"
The Burger king said neath lettuce hair
Do not look so dragged down and beat
come join me and we'll have a treat
We have no oysters for you and me
the Walrus ate them all you see
So, check what I have neath my crown
but soy burgers broiled brown
And when our feast is good and done
off to playland where there is fun
You see the mirthful jester calls
And we can bean him with these balls
There's absolutely nothing to it
He gets paid to let me do it
Not much of a job I hear you say
but what did he expect with a B.A.?
And off they went a marching band
I tried to touch them with my hand
The water stirring caused them fright
and I fear I lost them all from sight
My hand felt something to the south
I quickly shoved it in my mouth
But ere their screams had not dispersed
I thought I heard a saucy "Cursed!"
Beware this lowly man, he who'd
try to play with his fast food
Bow down for all time do heed me
I do not give out smiles for free
Good Fast Food, Man ne'er shall see
Because of what you've done to me
You truly are no good samaritan
For evermore be vegetarian
And he was true to Everything
Because I ate the Burger King "
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 10)
"That is certainly a sad story", Alice told the lion.
"And an even sadder rhyme scheme", the scarecrow agreed.
"Look! I'm made entirely out of tin", Sterling said, obviously still feeling
the effects of the poppies.
"That should wear off soon", Lyon said, "Look, we have reached the
Atlantic."
"Water water everywhere", giggled Sterling.
Sure enough the streets had turned to yellow brick. Alice felt relieved that
she was on the right path. The yellow brick road stretched around a corner
and on towards another building which stood near a garden. They could hear the
babbling of a brook just above the babbling of Sterling.
"Follow the Yellow brick road, Follow the yellow brick road."
"This is the stream where I saw the metal-man!", Lyon exclaimed.
"Maybe we can find someone to lift the curse!", Trudeau intoned
"I wonder whose garden this is?", thought Alice.
"This is my garden", came a metallic voice from an overhead window.
"And I suppose since you came here you expect me to let you in."
Alice read the sign that hung from the building.
"WATER WORKS"
"It's the drip that Cesium and Francium warned us about!", said Trudeau.
Sure enough the thing that exited the Waterworks was a tall metal man
who had an air of melancholy about him. Sterling, who was just coming
down from the effect of the poppies was having trouble deciding if he had
O.Ded or not. The creature sat down on a garden bench, hung his head, and
in a low droning monotonous voice which may have harmonized with
Leonard Cohen sang:
I'm Marvin the paranoid Android
I run all the waterworks here
I must say that I am quite annoyed
I hardly need to use my brain sphere
The job doesn't cause me to strain
I'm just an overglorified plumber
I use barely a per cent of my brain
they really should use someone dumber
The only thing that gives me a reason
not to give up and abandon it all
is to save the world from Cesium
and Francium's capitalist gall.
They monopolize all the utilities
whatever every person craves
Pay TV plunder and piracies
of E-lectro-magnetic waves
I hate all of their insipid lunacy
But if you think that I am sick of them
As for that Rogers' utility
I'm positively anti-EM
They dance and they sing till they're dizzy
I'm sure that inside they are happy
Cause they always are acting so busy
trying to make other people feel crappy
It reminds me of my situation
This hopeless thing that is my life
I'd gladly trade droning irrigation
for the more pleasant drone of a wife
So I sit among this copper tubing
and ponder my place in the stars
a quick oil change and a lubing
and then I head out to the bars
Where alas no one listens to me
Emotionally I am quite stressed
It can't be too hard to see
Why I am always depressed
And then he hung his head lower and began to cry.
"Oh please shut off the waterworks already", Alice reprimanded him.
But she had not realized what she had just said. Marvin sat up flipped a
switch on an exterior panel of the building, and the whole building became
very still. Even the babbling of the brook had stopped.
A distant figure appeared from the west. As it neared Alice could make out
the figure of a horse and rider. A man dressed in full Red suit dismounted
and approached the group.
"What's all this then?", he asked.
"I guess it is too much to hope that you might be Santa Claus", Trudeau
addressed the rider.
"My name is Diefenbaker", the man announced, "and for tampering with a
crown corporation, it is my duty to make sure that you GO TO JAIL."
As the mountie led them away, Marvin watched his new friends disappear from
sight. He flipped a switch, the whirring started up, the brook commenced
babbling, and he hoped that he would have better luck with the two-headed
figure that was just now exiting the space-ship.
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 11)
It was dark.
For all she knew it could be a stormy night as well. Alice sat back
and wondered how she could become small enough to crawl under the jail door.
"Bite ME!", came a voice behind her. It turned out that all four of them,
(five including Dinah), had been put into the jail cell with someone else.
"Who are you?" Trudeau addressed their new neighbour.
"An earnest inhabitant whose foot you have just trod on, I assure you."
"Where is he? I can't see him", Lyon called.
"Perhaps some light would help", the stranger suggested, and he struck
a match then lit a few candles. The candles sat on a table, that
coupled with a floor mat and the chair upon which the stranger sat
were the only furnishings in the bare room.
"This certainly is a dreary little place.", Alice said.
"Yes", agreed the stranger, "But there's no place like home, is there?"
"I've never been to a place like this before", Trudeau admitted.
"Not even Regina?", asked Sterling.
"Hmmph Westerners!", said Trudeau.
"Oh please Sir!", begged Alice, "Is there any way to get out of here?"
"Of course, people die in here all the time. After a couple of days
the guards will notice the smell."
"Is there any way to get out alive?", Lyon asked.
"I will show you the way out, but you must do a favour for me."
"Name it", said Alice without consulting with her companions.
"You must listen to the poem I've written."
"I think I should like that", said Alice.
"No, you won't. It's a very bad poem."
"Why would you read us a bad poem?"
"In order for an artist to be successful, he has to experience
suffering. There's nothing in the rules that says the artist has to be
the one to suffer."
"Very well then, I hope it is about a far off place."
"It's about this place of course. A writer should write about the
things he knows."
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 12)
The Poet began:
"The Ballad of Reading Gaol
An Irishman with quite a wit
paused once while taking a shit
He then wrote an ode
sitting on the commode
And decided to become a poet
So he started out by writing verse
avoiding a life in commerce
But he found writing tomes
helped for making long poems
but it left him quite short in the purse
So he stopped imitating the bards
his writing career was in shards
he needed a job
live every other slob
He took up writing greeting cards
His boss came to him one day
`Your work is brilliant I say
Why it doesn't sell
from what I can tell
is that publishers are all gay!'
The poet was struck and turned quiet
`So that's why no one would buy it!
If I give up my wife,
will I like my new life?
I guess I won't know till I try it.'
He started with a boutonniere lily
and an accent that sure was a dilly
Where his voice was once crisp
it now had a lisp
The whole effect made him feel silly
So this young, but well meaning fop
chanced upon another man in a shop
He patted his ass
as an obvious pass
But it turned out the man was a cop
So the cop said to the man from Limerick
`Take your hands off me, you fairy prick!
I've heard of your type
and rather than gripe
I'll smack you around with my stick
Then the young man was hauled off to court
where he dismissed the charges with a snort
`Your Honour', he pleaded
`A trial's not needed'
Now let's all go and have some port.'
But the judge said, `Now just you wait,
There's been too much of this of late
Guys kissing guys
you, I now recognize
You're the man who asked my son for a date
`If your son is like you I would think,'
said the poet, `I'd die from the stink!'
The judge then disparged
'Guilty as Charged!
Send this man off to the klink!'
So the poet was thrown in the can
cut off from contact with man
his cell was so hot
he wished he had got
the use of Lady Windermere's fan
His boss came to see him in jail
He spoke as his face went quite pale
`When I said they were gay
I meant in a happy way
That's why your depressing poems always fail.'
There he was stuck in encasement
a poet cramped inside a basement
But still he was glad
for the rent that he had
Cause it didn't require a payment
There were some things that bothered him though
Like watching other cons on the go
They would commit the sin
For which he was locked in
And other things which you don't want to know
And that's where it stands to this day
For this man accused of being gay
Except for the chunnel
I've managed to tunnel
For the times that I need to get away "
The poet finshed and looked down at his new friends.
"Oh dear everyone is fast asleep. Oh well, I'll just leave them a note.
All they have to do is pull back the mat, open the trap door and descend
to the train platform below. The Baltimore and Ohio will be by soon
to pick up the prison laundry. They really should do something about the
smell, it doesn't smell like Baltimore or Ohio."
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 13)
"This should be the correct station", said Alice as they departed.
They had found the note and boarded the funny smelling subway train.
It was now letting them off at the Pacific Avenue station.
The streets below them were a brilliant green.
"We've reached it! The Emerald streets", Trudeau exalted.
"I can go get some meat!", exclaimed Lyon.
"And I can get my String", cheered Sterling.
"Meow", said Dinah who was a bit put out by not having any speaking lines.
But when the happy company tried to purchase things, they were dismayed by
the high prices. Everywhere they went they were turned back at the door.
"Oh this is horrible", cried Alice. "I thought the liberals were in power.
Isn't there a free lunch to be had anywhere?"
A passerby noticed their distress. "We do have a welfare program", he
addressed the group.
"You do?", asked Alice wiping away her tears.
"Yes, it is run by the man who lives in the cottage on Pennsylvania Avenue.
Winsome or Wayne or something."
"Winston?", Alice asked.
"Yes that's him", the stranger agreed.
"Do you know him?", Trudeau asked.
"I know of him", Alice said as she walked down the street.
"Then....", Trudeau began.
"We're off to see the Winston, that wonderful Winston of ours.
We hear he wins tons and tons because he cheats at cards."
The group turned the corner and Alice rapped on the door of the Emerald House.
The door was opened by an inquisitive little man.
"Who are you?", he asked
"I'm Alice"
"I'm Trudeau"
"I'm Sterling"
"I'm Cubby,....no wait, Lyon! I'm Lyon."
"You mean you're THE Lyon King?", the man asked in disbelief.
"The Lyon MacKenzie King actually, same job but without all
the marketing hype."
"Oh. Well thank goodness for that."
"Please sir", Alice begged, "We've come seeking your help."
"Who sent you?", the Man asked.
"Well I was reading a book", Alice began.
"Who gave you the book?"
"He was a tall funny looking man"
"Was he wearing a hat?"
"Yes."
"Tall, pointy thing, lots of stars?"
"Yes!", Alice said excitedly. "Do you know him?"
"No, now go away!"
The man slammed the door shut and flipped a dead-bolt.
They sat there stunned.
An hour later the little man opened the door again.
"Are you people still here! I told you to go away."
"But we don't have anywhere to go to!", Alice called.
"Well, why did you have to come here. Those damned stories, I keep showing
up in them. I never wanted to be a recurring character. Why can't they
just leave me alone?"
"It wasn't my idea to come here.", Alice protested.
"Who sent you to the Emerald streets?"
"Why a witch did about two weeks ago."
"Cassandra!", Winston muttered under his breath. "Well, what was it you
were looking for?"
"Dough!" they all yelled.
"Dough? Why, Leona is the only one with any money around here if you want it
you'll have to see her. In fact I'll take you there myself. We can take the
Short Line. He led them to the train station at the end of the street.
"All aboard!", they stepped on the train.
"Last Stop", they stepped off the train.
"That is a Short Line", agreed Alice.
"There are longer rides at DisneyWorld!", exclaimed Sterling.
"It's all we could afford, we spent a heap of dough on a Golden Spike."
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 14)
"Behold, Park Place the guest house of Leona Helmsley", cried Winston Salem.
They entered the sprawling manse. They were awed at the high cathedral
ceilings the many marble statues and priceless pottery in view as well as
the split bath off the master bedroom and the large amounts of closet space.
"If you wish to stay", came the lysol-laced voice behind them,
"It will cost you $1500."
Winston Salem stared up at the woman who was now descending the spiral
staircase. "I am here to collect the Luxury tax on that hideous diamond ring
you are wearing."
Leona looked at him and laughed. " Pssst Pssst!", went the Lysol Can.
"Silly little man", she said, "What are you going to do? Put me in
jail for tax evasion? I think not. That jail is so dreadfully
decorated. A pox on your silly tax!"
"A tax on both your houses!", replied Winston.
Then she turned her gaze on Alice.
"And you my little Pretty. This sigfile isn't big enough for both of us.
Someone here is going to have a monopoly on the bad jokes, and that somebody
is going to be me."
"She already has a Monopoly on bad taste", Sterling whispered to Lyon.
Lyon giggled.
Trudeau shushed him.
"Is that a challenge?" asked Alice.
"Yes, it is", agreed Leona "I'll meet you at Boardwalk in Five minutes.
She cackled as she left.
The group set off for the Dark Blue Boardwalk
"A challenge? What kind of a challenge?", thought Trudeau.
"Musical Chairs?", asked Lyon.
"No", thought Alice. "Do you have your makeshift Harp here Sterling?"
"Yes."
"Then may I please borrow it? I should like to challenge Leona to a
game of Musical Numbers."
Leona arrived in a cloud of lysol, still cackling.
"You're on! I shall go first."
And the contest began.
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 15)
Leona took her place on a prominent part of the Boardwalk, she began
singing and would accompany her singing from time to time with a demonic
hiss from her lysol spray-can.
When houses go up
And raise the rents through the roof
And your cash disappears
You can practically hear it go POOF
You land on Boardwalk
Of my Monopoly
You'll be bankrupt my pretty
From rent that you owe me
(You land on Boardwalk)
Hey well that's your tough luck
(You land on Boardwalk)
You owe me two thousand bucks
(You land on Boardwalk)
That's with a Hotel
(You land on Boardwalk)
You could be entering Hell
If You land on Boardwalk
Boardwalk
From Park Place you can't wait
to get the two hundred bucks you're owed
You can't believe your luck
when you see the snake-eyes that you rolled
You land on Boardwalk
Of my Monopoly
You'll be bankrupt my pretty
From rent that you owe me
(You land on Boardwalk)
Hey well that's your tough luck
(You land on Boardwalk)
You owe me two thousand bucks
(You land on Boardwalk)
That's with a Hotel
(You land on Boardwalk)
You could be entering Hell
If You land on Boardwalk
Boardwalk
You land on Boardwalk
Of my Monopoly
You'll be bankrupt my pretty
From rent that you owe me
You'll be bankrupt my pretty
From rent that you owe me
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 16)
Alice nodded after her song and said
"You're pretty good old witch,
but sit down in that chair right there
and listen to my pitch."
Twister Wind
The gale force wind came twisting in
across the prairie
it lingered abouts and dropped a house
on Sherman Helmsley
For fifteen days we walked a ways
and we drank up Lyon's gin
Five amigos and that twister wind
Like Panting Collies, these Sigfile Follies
left me foaming at the mouth
West, North, and East ran coloured streets
I finally headed South
And who knows when a house again
Will someday fall on you
That's when we'll lose you
we'll lose you to the Twister wind.
The Monsoon winds and the typhoon winds
They have come and they've blown away
and still easy marks in trailer parks
on the ground they stay
But guess who stops when the pressure drops
and rips buildings right off the ground
That sick old clown,
The Twister wind.
The twister wind
The twister wind.
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 17)
There was a silence as Alice's smooth voice finished the last notes.
The wicked witch knew when she was beat and she laid her golden fiddle
on the ground at Alice's feet.
"Wow I'm good", thought Alice.
"I need a cigarette. Do you have a smoke, Winston Salem?"
Winston passed the twelve year old a cigarette, she pulled out the book
of matches that the poet had given her and lit up. She tossed the match at
the witch in defiance.
"NO!!!!", Leona screamed, "Watch where you throw that thing."
It was too late.
The match hit Leona's hair and she went up in flames.
"Ugh! all that Lysol", thought Trudeau.
"Help me", shrieked the witch as she turned to smoke,
"I'm sub-li-matinnnnnnnnnnggggggg."
She was gone.
Sterling lifted up the fiddle,
"Now I have my `DO' ", he exclaimed.
The scarecrow was in the breadbox. "And I have my Dough!"
Lyon was in the freezer, he pulled out a strip of venison.
"And here is some DOE! Although I must say it doesn't look quite as
appetizing as I thought it would."
Alice hurried to the vault, she turned the handle and reached in.
"This,.....this is all play money!", she said in disbelief.
"Of course it is", said Winston, what type of budget did you think we had?"
"It's perfectly good for us farmers", said Trudeau.
"You can spend all you want here." agreed Lyon.
"But, but, but I don't want to stay here."
"Where do you want to go Alice?", Winston sympathized.
"I want to go home, she cried, "I mean pardon me for saying so, but
you guys are all nuts! I just want to go home."
Winston helped her up off the ground where she sat crying.
"Follow me", he said.
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"The time has come", the Sigfile read
to parody the March Hare
and see the things
Over the Rainbow
{And what Alice found there}
(Episode 18)
They walked for some way, through the mansion and down below the Boardwalk.
"It's just a little further", Winston encouraged.
They walked up to an orange brick building.
"Feather- Stone How?", Alice read.
"Don't bother trying to pronounce it", Winston said uneasily.
They walked in the doors past the metal beast which was tethered inside,
up the stairs and into a tunnel. The tunnel led to another set of stairs
which they also ascended. At the top, Winston stepped out, looked
puzzled and then turned left, he twisted and turned around several
corners until they were back where they had started. Winston poked his
head into an office.
"Excuse me", he asked a secretary, "which way to 515?"
"That's in the old new wing", she told him. "you're in the new
power tower. You have to go down to the fourth floor to reach
the fifth floor."
"Right", he said shaking his head.
"And Then go down the hall and turn Left, don't turn right or you'll
be in the old wing."
"And which way from there to the fifth floor."
"Why up of course!", she looked at him as if he were mad, which
he was beginning to become.
"Stupid Building", Winston muttered to himself. It took a few minutes,
but he soon found the door he was looking for. They entered.
Inside was a pile of scattered costumes, a small statue of a bird,
and a chia pet among other things.
"This is the supply room", he told her. Go through that door and you
will be back where you started from.
"I feel horrible", she admitted, "I've gone all this way and I didn't bring
back any souveniers, not even a `My sister went all the way to the
Boardwalk and all I got was this crummy shirt' T-shirt."
"Here." Winston pulled out a pair of shoes that he had in his coat and
passed them to her. "They're not my size he explained."
Alice put on the Ruby Slippers. She smiled.
"Thank you", she started, "well if I never see you again......"
"Don't worry", said Winston Salem", "You'll be back."
He turned once to wave to her and disappeared from view. A short time
later he turned the corner again, muttered under his breath and
disappeared again, this time for good.
Alice paused at the door, and thought of the fine time she had had.
"Still", Alice thought, "there's no place like home.
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Return to the Theatre of the Imaginary
jeffcarrie@geocities.com