Salutations and Greetings! Allow me to introduce myself, I’m Adri, and I get to write the disclaimer this time. *Evil grin* Welcome again to another creation from the twisted minds of QuesTails and myself. The first one was so much fun and we got so much wonderful feedback, that we had to continue. Besides, there is *SO* much left to spoof, we could hardly stop, now could we? :) As much as the first spoof was inspired by that silly “never met a female Ranger” line of Zhane’s, this one was inspired by a certain infamous daydream. :) Let me start off with something important: *This is a SPOOF!!* Please don’t take any insult from it. And if you do take insult from it, you were warned in advance, so it ain’t our fault. Learn to take a joke. *Grin* This spoof is packed with pop culture references so if a joke doesn’t make sense, there may be a movie you missed in the last 50 years. :) This is NOT general admission and should be rated PG-13 for language and sexual innuendo. (Yes, it’s true. There is use of a F-word and the 14-letter S-word. And if you know what the 14-letter S-word is before you read this, then I’m impressed and you’re showing your age. *Grin*) Power Rangers belongs to Saban, not us, yadda, yadda, yadda. :) We don’t own the songs used either. Since we forgot to put it in the first one, I’ll note it here. The first spoof was named after “Can’t Get Enough Of You Baby” by Smash Mouth from the Can’t Hardly Wait soundtrack. This is one is named after “This Kiss” by Faith Hill from the album Faith. A thank you and doffing of me pirate hat to Julia for proofing this and for allowing us to ‘borrow’ her. If you would like to join the Oliverettes, or just like having a good time, visit our website. We always be ready for a party! ARGH! *Grin* And if the name of our series doesn’t make sense, well *shrug* we never claimed to be sane. ;-P Write QuesTails and myself if you like. We LOVE feedback, for good or ill. As usual, we’re here to make people laugh, so enjoy! :)

Zhane threw the wrench in frustration and uttered an ancient curse from his home planet. Andros’ eyes widened and he gasped in shock at the use of such profanity, but the rest of the crew just giggled. He scowled at them as he walked over to Zhane. Obviously the curse ‘snugglebunnies’ didn’t carry the same weight on Earth as it did on KO-35.

“What’s wrong?”

In response, Zhane just kicked the hunk of metal he had been working on. All he got for his trouble was a shooting pain in his foot as he broke his toe. “It’s this piece of junk!” he exclaimed, flopping down in a chair and grabbing his throbbing foot.

Andros cast an appraising look over what had pissed Zhane off. It was what remained of Alpha VI. Their attempts to create another Ashley Robot Ranger had not gone as well as they had planned. It was a truly ugly monstrosity, not even coming close to resembling a human. In fact the only feminine thing about it was the brunette wig someone had attached to Alpha’s head. No one would claim the deed, but Ashley had laughed at them when they found they could not remove it because of all the SuperGlue. Ashley was laughing right then, as a matter of fact.

“Why don’t you just shoot that poor thing and put it out of its misery?” Ashley commented with a sneer as she walked over beside Andros to view what was supposed to be yet another copy of her. “‘Junk’ is too kind a word for that Cyber-Quasimodo,” she said, casting a pitying glance in Zhane’s direction.

Zhane just muttered something vile-sounding under his breath as he shifted his foot about in an attempt to get comfortable. “I don’t know what the FUZZ is wrong with the FURRY thing. It should have worked--,” his sentence dissolved off into a yelp of pain as his injured foot slid off the console he had rested it on and banged against the floor. “AAAAAGGHHH! SNUGGLEBUNNIES!!”

That set everybody to giggling again, which only incensed Zhane further. Sensing that his long-time friend was about to commit a rather grisly homicide, Andros quickly stepped in to calm him down. “Easy Zhane, before you haul off and kick something and break a toe on your other foot!”

“It’s bad enough that I’m hurt and they are laughing at me. But it’s them I’m trying to build that thing for and they’re laughing at it too!!” Zhane shouted, clutching his foot as his face turned an interesting shade of crimson.

“Don’t worry about it,” Andros told him. Then he leaned close to Zhane and whispered, “We’ll just give this one to Carlos.” Zhane opened his mouth to yell again, then closed it and smiled as Andros’ words sank in.

From her station on the bridge Ashley could hear their plots and began giggling. She had done everything she could to thwart their attempts to build the new Robot Ranger. They had failed so miserably that they had decided to let TJ remain the Blue Ranger until they could figure out what they were doing wrong. I finally rid myself of Cassie, she thought, and I won’t stand for competition from anyone, including myself. She was putting the finishing touches on a nasty virus she had spent the last few hours programming. She gave the finished product a satisfied grin and downloaded it into the Robot Ashley’s CPU through its link with DECA. “Nyahaha,” she let an evil chuckle escape as she pushed the final button and settled back to watch her handiwork.

The rest of the crew cast nervous glances at Ashley as her quiet chuckle grew louder into a outright cackle. She noticed their stares and tried to compose herself. She managed to settle down and give them a harmless grin, only to dissolve into fitful giggles as she noticed the smoke that was starting to drift from the ears of her Robot clone. Her virus was obviously starting to have its desired effects.

Andros, oblivious to the Robot’s plight, shrugged and turned back to Zhane. “Now you see, all we have to do is-,” he was suddenly interrupted by DECA’s annoying monotone voice.

“There is an incoming transmission from the Dark Fortress,” the computer droned.

Finally, some action!, TJ thought. “Put it on screen DECA,” he requested. Anything to get these bozos back to work. We ARE supposed to be looking for Zordon, not trying to get laid, he thought. TJ was still pissed because he couldn’t seem to work the bugs out of his SimuDeck program. Damn cake isn’t rising at *all*, he thought with an aggravated grumble.

Astronema’s image appeared on the main viewer, her hair flowing past her shoulders with brown locks interspersed through the blonde. “Hear me Rangers,” she began threateningly.

“Stop the press! Who is that?!!” Zhane jumped up, hobbling on his broken toe, and staring at the beauty on the screen.

“Vicki Vale,” TJ responded automatically before he could stop himself. He was suddenly pelted by objects from all corners of the bridge as the crew groaned at his joke.

Astronema had stopped mid-threat, as she too was staring. “Hey Rangers, who’s the new guy with the bleach job? He’s kinda cute,” she said, trying to hide a girlish giggle.

“Back off you intergalactic hussy!” Ashley screamed, jumping up. She wasn’t about to let another woman move in on her territory when she was so close to having all the guys to herself. “Zhane is a *good guy*, in case you hadn’t noticed, which means he is OFF-LIMITS to evil scum!”

Astronema paused in her inspection of Zhane long enough to reply with a smug sneer, “I bet he’s better than good.” She tossed her multi-colored hair and gave Zhane her sultriest smile, “Maybe we’ll get a chance to find out, hmm?”

Ashley looked puzzled for a moment, then became furious as Astronema’s implication sunk in. She lunged toward the viewscreen with arms outstretched as if to choke Astronema’s image. “I’m gonna kill her!!”

“Leave her alone Ashley,” Carlos said, quickly intercepting Ashley’s warpath. Anything that took one more guy out of the running for Ashley was great to him.

“Yeah, let’s hear what she has to say,” Andros quickly added, also determined to narrow the competition.

Astronema gave Ashley an evil stare, “I always get my man, and I want HIM.”

“Who does she think she is? A freakin’ Mountie?” Ashley mumbled in a huff, wishing Astronema was there so she could tear her hair out at the roots to figure out just what color it really was. What I wouldn’t give to be able to feed her her own intestines!!, she thought with a snarl.

“You got me Baby! Just say where and when!” Zhane responded enthusiastically. All thought of the pain in his toe was gone, but he was careful not to put weight on it, for fear of looking like a wimp in front of Astronema.

“I’ll call you right back. Gotta ditch Dark Spectre,” she answered. She was about to sign off, but changed her mind on the spur of the moment. “Oh, what the heck!” Suddenly Astronema disappeared from the view screen and reappeared on the bridge of the MegaShip. She grabbed Zhane, kissing him passionately.

The rest of the crew turned away whistling, but watching out of the corner of their eyes. Ashley sat fuming, staring a hole in them both. She crossed her arms over her chest and commented in a nasty tone of voice, “Well, we all know which head Zhane is thinking with, don’t we?”

Astronema, meanwhile, had been forced to back away from Zhane to take a breath. She glanced towards Ashley with a wicked smile, “Jealous much? You say that like it’s a *bad* thing.”

She then turned back to Zhane for another kiss, but stopped short as she remembered something. “Ohh, I gotta go Lover Boy, “Buffy” is coming on.” She smiled as she let him go, “Seeya babe,” she sighed huskily and teleported off the ship.

Zhane sank back into the chair, stunned. He shook his head and jumped up suddenly. “‘Bye guys! Gotta go get ready!” he called as he started toward the door.

“Oh no you don’t sweetheart!” Ashley cooed as she ran over to him, hugging him tightly.

“C’mon Ash, I gotta go!” he grinned like a love-struck fool. “She likes me! She really likes me!!”

I’m not letting him go that easy, Ashley thought, and promptly stomped on Zhane’s broken toe, sending him flopping back in the chair, howling in pain. She stalked off, straightening her uniform.

“Oh, leave them alone Ashley. I think they make a lovely couple,” Andros said.

“Yeah, let’s let the lovebirds have their space,” Carlos joined in the matchmaking. “Won’t it be wonderful to hear the sounds of little feet on the MegaShip?” He teased, clearly wanting to be rid of Zhane as much as Andros did.

“What is the attraction to evil women?!” she yelled at them. “She’s our enemy! We’re supposed to be fighting her! Y’all do remember Zordon, don’t you?”

I’m surprised that *you* do, TJ thought. It had been so long since they had looked for Zordon, that for all they knew his powers could have been drained months ago.

They suddenly heard crashing and laughing in the hallway as the bridge doors opened. Cassie and Phantom walked in arm-in-arm, giggling at some private joke.

“Hey guys, we’re back!” Cassie called. “He’s right. There’s not enough room in his ship. So we’re gonna borrow my room for a little while,” she said, reaching back to pinch Phantom’s butt.

“Oh no you don’t!!” Ashley cried, feeling her territory threatened again. “You aren’t going to use the MegaShip like it was a cheap motel!”

Cassie giggled as she snuggled up to the Phantom Ranger, “Not ‘going to’, Ashie, ‘did’ .”

“Well, we could always charge them by the hour,” TJ joked, anything to piss Ashley off.

She glared at him and opened her mouth to deliver a particularly scathing remark concerning the intellectual ability of TJ’s posterior, and a few suggestions on places she thought he should remove himself to, but was suddenly interrupted by an exclamation from the Robot Ashley.

“Hello Boys and Girls!! This is your old pal, Stinky Wizzleteats. And this is a song about a whale... NO! This is a song about being happy! That’s right, it’s the “Happy Happy Joy Joy” song!”

The Rangers could do nothing but stare open-mouthed as the Robot Ashley began parading around the deck with smoke pouring from its ears, singing “Happy Happy Joy Joy” at the top of its metallic lungs.

“It’s gone stark raving mad!” shouted Andros over the din created by the Robot.

“What should we do?!” Carlos yelled, clapping his hands over his ears. “Put jam on its nose?”

The Robot was bouncing about singing the main chorus, “HAPPY... happy... JOY... joy... HAPPY... happy... JOY... joy,” punctuating every word by smacking itself on the head with a wrench it had picked up from Zhane’s worktable. Smoke was starting to fill the bridge, as gearwheels and springs were popping everywhere.

Ashley giggled with glee as she watched the Robot self-destruct. Well, she thought, I may not be able to fix things, but I sure as heck can tear ‘em apart! She ducked a flaming chunk of debris and settled down to watch the chaos. The other Rangers were dashing about coughing as they attempted to deactivate the Robot Ashley. In the end, their efforts were not needed.

*WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM*

Cassie had slipped off the bridge just after the melee had begun and had returned with a sledgehammer, which she had used to shut down the Robot the expedient way. She smiled as she lowered the hammer to the ground and rested her weight on the handle.

“You can thank me later,” she said sweetly. She shook her head slowly as she contemplated the still twitching, smoking ruin of the Robot Ashley. “I don’t know why, but bashing that Robot Ashley gave me a sense of closure. Weird.”

“Well,” Cassie continued, tossing the hammer aside and dusting off her hands, “looks like you need a Pink Ranger again.” She quickly snatched her former morpher as Ashley made a move for it. “Now,” she said strapping it on her wrist. “I think we’ll be going to my room.” She made a move toward the door with Phantom, carefully sidestepping the flaming torso of the Robot Ashley. She stopped short when she heard DECA start to speak.

“There is a schooner approaching from Sector 7,” DECA reported.

“A schooner? Get real DECA. When was the last time you ran ScanDisk?” Carlos replied sarcastically. He suddenly yelped as DECA sent a shock through his console. The computer gave a satisfied snicker.

“That will teach you to compare *me* to a common computer,” DECA said with no small amount of smugness in her artificial voice.

“Bring it up on the external scanners,” Andros ordered. The main viewer sprang to life and sure enough, there was a three-masted schooner under full sail out in deep space beside the MegaShip.

“Welcome to Never-Never land,” Carlos commented, rubbing his still tingling fingers.

“Andros, there are some insane hormonal women off the port bow,” TJ said, studying the scanners.

“Is that the right or the left? I can never remember...,” Andros pondered as DECA made another announcement.

“We are receiving a transmission from the schooner. I believe the women want to... drag with us?”

“Drag with us?” repeated Andros, thoroughly puzzled by the statement. “Put it through the Bridge speakers, DECA.”

A bold female voice came through the speakers, “Hey Red! Wanna drag?” Her question was accompanied by a revving of the schooner’s engines. *VRROOOM VRRROOOM* That was curious enough in itself, as the schooner appeared to have no power source save for the billowing sails.

“Arr Harr! Ye tell him, Falconfyre me matey!” said another female voice.

“What is this, a ship full of women?!” Andros said, clearly stunned. He paused to think about that and glanced over at Carlos with a smile, which Carlos returned. TJ, on the other hand, didn’t seem particularly enticed by Andros’ comment, to no one’s surprise.

“They want to see us in drag?” Zhane asked. “Well... okay. I have one silver dress.” He hobbled off the bridge as quickly as he could.

“I don’t want to be drug!” Ashley pouted. “It will muss up my hair!”

Cassie had had enough of Ashley’s crap. “Aw, shaddup woman!” she slurred, smacking Ashley upside the head. Ashley growled and pounced on Cassie, knocking her to the ground as they began to fight.

“Ooo, cat fight! Cat fight!” the Phantom Ranger called, hurriedly ordering popcorn from the ship’s food simulator before settling back to watch.

“Hey,” TJ shouted, sidestepping the two women. “I thought you were the one who tried to break them up last time.”

“Yeah, and you don’t know what it cost me. Just let ‘em fight it out. We’ll all be much happier, trust me,” Phantom responded wincing at the painful memory. “Let’s just say I almost suffered the same fate as Zhane.” He then turned his attention back to his food, frowning at his popcorn as he tried to figure out how to get it through his visor.

Suddenly the image on the main viewer shifted as the view of the schooner changed to that of a group of pirates. The woman who was clearly the acting commander stepped to the front.

“Your ship cannot begin to rival that of Dread Pirate Thomas’ Peregrine Dragon, the most vicious ship ever to fly the Jolly Roger and plunder the high seas! We have issued ye a challenge!” She shouted, waving a cutlass. “So, be ye men or be ye boils on a whale’s butt?”

“Umm... hold on...,” TJ started. “I know the answer to that one.”

“Uhh... Carlos!” Andros began clearly flustered. “Are you gonna let those hormonal women talk to you like that?!”

Carlos gave Andros a sarcastic nod and a smirk as he displayed the appropriate digit for Andros to contemplate.

Ashley looked up from her fight and screamed. “NO!! I will not have this! You tramps are just going to have to go!”

The pirate ladies standing behind their leader could be heard to mutter, “I think she be insulting us matey!”

“Aye. Boils on a whale’s butt. No doubt,” her mate responded.

“Besides,” said the first with a snicker, “since when does she have room to call anybody a tramp?”

“Arrharr!” replied the second, “ the pot be calling the kettle black!”

The leader cut everyone off with a pirate’s curse, “ARGH! That be enough! Man the main sails! We’re gonna show Skunkboy here what *speed* really is!”

“Skunkboy?!” Andros asked. “Who are they talking about?”

“Hey Skunkboy,” Carlos snickered. “We’re receiving another transmission.”

Zhane suddenly walked on to the bridge with a flourish wearing a slinky silver dress. “I’m ready for the drag party!”

The main viewer split into two images as call-waiting kicked in and Astronema reappeared on the screen. “Okay, hotstuff. If you’re hung like a Clydesdale and you’re ready for a real woman, meet me on KO-35...,” she paused when she saw what Zhane was wearing. “Oh, how could YOU?!” she cried, reaching to cut the transmission.

“Honey! Baby! Darling!” Zhane called, trying to come up with a viable excuse for his choice of clothes.

“They not be worth it, Falconfyre,” a pirate commented to their leader.

“Aye, let’s come back and plunder their ship later. We have to meet our King Thomas on Rigel 7 shortly,” another pirate added.

A cheery smile was shared among the pirates. “Rigel 7... now, that be a right good place to spend an afternoon, arr harr!”

“Aye, Tails, Adri. You be right. We have better people... er, things to do,” she answered, then addressed the Rangers again. “We shall be back Rangers. Be prepared!” The transmission ended as the pirates broke out into song, “Yes, our teeth and ambitions are bared, be prepared!--”

“I can’t believe I kissed you!” Astronema sobbed.

“Sugar! Dollface! Sweetpea! Passion Poodle!” Zhane continued, simpering and whining for all he was worth. “It’s not what it looks like!”

Astronema suddenly appeared on the bridge and slammed her staff down on Zhane’s broken toe. “Don’t ever call me again!” she screamed even as she tried to slip him her phone number.

But Zhane collapsed again in pain. And as Astronema teleported out, Ashley pocketed the phone number. I will NOT be challenged, she swore, silently plotting to rid herself of all competition.

“Great,” Andros scowled. “We’re back to where we started; the same band of dysfunctional misfits.” He looked around the bridge at the feuding crew of seven. “NOW what do we do?!”

“I couldn’t care less what you braindead hormone factories do! I have some business to attend to,” Ashley commented crisply as she dictated an email for DECA to send all over the known galaxy. “...For A Good Time, Call this number and ask for the resident slut, Slutronema...”

“We could, umm... look for Zordon,” TJ started, as he was once again quickly pelted by objects from all over the bridge. “Hey!” he shouted as he ducked the chair that sailed past his head.