I COME TO YOU BEYOND BELIEF
[In the grand tradition of Steve Martin and BULL DURHAM's Crash Davis, da Flatline would like to offer his version of "What I Believe:"]
I believe that the F-word (and its four-letter brethren) have no business in PG-rated movies. (Hey, that's what the R rating's for!)
I believe that Alan Smithee* should stop making so many bad movies. So, for that matter, should Jean-Claude Van Damme.
I believe that the single nicest thing you can do with a woman is to kiss her. (And don't ask "Kiss her where?" -- I leave that up to your imagination.) I'd also like to believe that, when I die, prior to passing through the Pearly Gates, I'll have a chance to kiss every woman I've ever yearned/lusted after.
I believe that Sammy Hagar, by joining Van Halen, did nothing except drag them down to his level of mediocrity.
I believe that mayonnaise is poison. On the other hand, I believe that Dijon mustard, red-hot nacho dip, and Italian dishes marked "fra diavlo" in the menu are the best forms of oral masochism there are. (Glutton for punishment? Moi? Naah. I'm just one of those "some" who like it hot...)
(I also believe that said nacho dip can be graded at one of four levels of spiciness: warm, hot, very hot, and thermo-nuclear!)
I believe that every piece of business software made should have an accompanying "try before you buy" version so you can figure out if the damn thing's right for you. It should have a built-in cut-off date, or only work with limited data file sizes, but be otherwise fully functional. A decade of shareware, coupled with "working demos" from the likes of Microsoft, should indicate that this is quite feasible.
I believe that, as long as my coffee's not decaffeinated, I'm basically drinking it for effect rather than just for taste -- which means that I have a Constitutional right to adulterate it with milk and sugar any damn way I please. Caffeine, like alcohol, is one drug that's best masked by something more palatable. (I've lost track of how many times I've bellied up to the coffee service at work and mumbled, "Good morning. This is my wakeup call.")
I believe that the worst episode of "Twin Peaks" is still superior to the best episode of anything else on the tube.
I believe that ERASERHEAD is the single weirdest feature-length film ever released in the US...and that a double bill of it and Bunuel's UN CHIEN ANDELOU might prove positively toxic.
IN CONCLUSION:
Everyone needs something to believe in.
I believe I'll have another beer...
* Director's Guild pseudonym used by filmmakers who feel their Work of Art has been mauled by the Front Office. See, for example, the four-hour TV edit of DUNE -- or HELLRAISER: BLOODLINES.
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