MR. MIKE'S MONDO VIDEOS, TAKE 1
(In which we quickly dispose of some flix featuring Michael Ironside that you may or may not wanna watch, depending...)
The best thing about the direct-to-video TOO FAST, TOO YOUNG (1995) is the cover shot (see graphic). But despite the pictorial prominence of Ironside's goatee-framed scowl -- much less his star billing -- the main characters are mad-dog killer/rapist Chase Parrish (James Wellington), his slightly less larcenous cousin Dalton (Patrick Tiller), and Dalton's floozy girlfriend Kaddy (Kasia Figura). Chase, who has just busted outta prison and wasted quite a few cops in the process, convinces Dalton and his carbon monoxide-spewing car to help him in an armored car heist. This doesn't make Kaddy very happy; she's already rebuffed Chase's advances several times, and wants Dalton to take her to Mexico. Meanwhile, L.A.P.D. Captain Floyd Anderson (Ironside) finds himself the odd man out when the rest of his precinct tacitly agrees to blow Chase's butt away on general principles, and screw his Miranda rights. (Seduced by the dark side of the [Police] Force, if you will...)
TF,TY is an economical little time-killer (not to mention cop-killer!), certainly no worse than your standard HBO "Thursday Night Prime" programmer. Ironside, while breaking no new ground, is watchable as ever in one of his grumpy-cop roles, and Wellington makes a resolutely bug-eyed psycho in the James (COTTEN CLUB) Remar mold. I have more problems with Figura's Kaddy, like: What accent is she speaking with -- French, Spanish, what? What does Kaddy do, other than flounce around her and Dalton's warehouse apartment in skimpy outfits? And why did the filmmakers let her add film noir voiceovers in all the most inappropriate places? All things considered, however, TOO FAST, TOO YOUNG is Not Too Bad. (A tip of the Flatline Cap to Katy Young at The Cult of Mike for the screener video!)
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The first PROM NIGHT (1980) was a rote Jamie Lee Curtis/slasher flick, but HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT II (1987) goes off in a COMPLETELY different direction. This time, Ironside plays a two-fisted high-school principal (!) who realizes that class tramp Mary Lou, whom he accidentally burned to death on Prim Night two decades ago (hey, it was an honest mistake!) has come back to [1] reclaim her prom queen title, and [2] kick some ass. She promptly possesses a bland, blonde cutie (Wendy Lyon), prompting the class clown to quip, "It's Linda Blairs-ville!" PNII benefits from a light, throwaway tone, decent SCANNERS-style telekinetic wipeouts, some unexpected kinkiness (a scene where Lyon has an oddly erotic encounter with a rocking horse), and a surprise ending that doesn't insult the viewer's intelligence.
***
THE SURROGATE (1984) is a kinky Canadian thriller worth seeing just because of the presence of Quebecoise vixen Carole Laure in the title role -- and worth keeping due to the casting of Ironside in another grumpy-cop appearances. Somebody's slicing up eligible bachelors in the city, and Mr. Mike has to find out who. Is it Porsche dealer Art (THE BROOD) Hindle, who has blackouts and a mean temper? Is it Hindle's frigid wife Shannon (NIGHT EYES) Tweed? Is it famous transvestite Jim Bailey? Is it the sultry Ms. Laure? Best scene comes when Ironside complains to Hindle about what a lemon his sports car is; when Hindle fliply declares "Well, whoever said owning a sports car was a piece of cake?", Ironside looks him straight in the eye and retorts, "You did." Book 'im, Mike-o.
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