MY SWEET LORDS
It seems like an eternity since she dropped the bombshell. "Who's 'she,'" you're probably muttering, "and WHAT 'bombshell?'" Well, "she" is none other than Traci Lords, and of course the bombshell in question was her announcement to the world, "Hey, I'm quitting porno. Oh, by the way, I just turned eighteen." [Visions of every porno-video store owner in the country going "AAAAAAAIIIIIIGHH!" and clutching his fibrillating heart with one hand while sweeping La Lords' tapes off the shelves with the other hand.]
Since then, of course, Traci has shown up in any number of no-account B-movies (and that includes John Waters' CRY BABY, which is B-plus at best) and TV shows (Roseanne, Melrose Place); in most of them, she doesn't even pop her top, much less get caught with the meat in her mouth. This in itself is nothing new; Ginger Lynn, her occasional co-slut, also bailed out into the T&A likes of VICE ACADEMY (a USA cable "Up All Night" fave) and a relationship with Charlie Sheen. (Hey, I saw it on "Hard Copy," so it must be true!) At least she didn't fer Christ's sake die a la Shauna Grant (suicide) or John C. "Louma Crane" Holmes (the A-word).
Yet, if anything, her prior career as Public Jailbait #1 is hotter than ever, at least on the cyberpunk level. When I first started swapping shareware and modeming, there were smutty Thunderscans of Traci filtering over from the Macintosh world; grainy and black&white, but boy! did they leave little to the imagination. And while most Web sites ("Traci Lords for Congress", anyone?) skirt the limits of propriety by concentrating on her glamour/swimsuit/lingerie shots and alleged singing career, there ARE pages that have snuck in the occasional full-color, high-rez GIFs of La Lords getting her brains boffed out.
Needless to say, no legit video store in the universe is gonna risk the wrath of the powers that be and stock the likes of TALK DIRTY TO ME PART IV or WHAT GETS ME HOT. Fortunately, there are a few dirty-minded souls out there who'll pass you copies of what they've already got if ya send 'em a blank VHS tape. I was the beneficiary of said largesse a few years back when a guy over on a warez BBS slapped four Traci outings on a tape for me. The quality sucked (pun definitely intended!), but as historical matter, it's hard to beat (and again!).
So what IS the fascination with Traci Lords? Well, there's the obvious: at an age when most girls are just beginning to "go all the way," this chick was regularly getting filled with enough cream to qualify as a Ring Ding with breasts and lip gloss. I remember back in the "golden age of porn" when a little Jason Russell movie called DEFIANCE caused a minor stir when it was rumored that leading lady Jean Jennings was underaged when she made it. Now, with the rise of teen pregnancy and kiddie porn, anything even hinting of "sex with minors" is a major, major taboo -- and thus, even more enticing.
But a lot of the fascination with Lords has to do with sheer visual appeal. She really was the ideal combination of woman and girl, nipples like apples and a sullen, pouty face -- sorta the "slut next door," the unrepentant town bad girl nice guys only dared to fantasize about. An appropriate comparison might be with Christina Applegate of MARRIED WITH CHILDREN: while she may act and dress like a Madonna wanna-be, you get the impression that "Kelly Bundy" is really a nice girl at heart. Traci had no such redeeming values. And when she got nekkid, forget it -- most of the moaning was probably dubbed, but whenever Traci got it on-camera, she looked like she was having a continuous orgasm. (Mind you, we're not talking "acting" in the traditional sense -- in skinflix like LOVE BITES, the acting never rises above the level of bad camp -- but more like the impression that she was really getting into it.)
Anyway, she's "legit" now, and clean to boot (went cold turkey on a nasty coke habit, and good for her). And I truly hope she finds continued employment (if not contentment -- and hell, mebbe even a little success!) in the Cheap Movies of America. But forget her past?
No way, Trace-ay. Us cyberpunks won't let you. Those GIF's are just too hot to ignore...
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