We've mentioned previously that we have an international audience. Now EuroSeek™ has made it official. After only being listed with Euroseek™ for seven weeks,
WOO HOO!
As a "B" movie, STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE rates a solid "C+" in my book. It is adequate enough to pass itself off as a satisfactory theater-going experience if one goes in with no expectations of seeing a good film, and theatrically it undoubtedly plays better than it will on television. Many of you have already waited breathlessly to see the LucasFilm toy catalog at prices ranging from $5.00 to $500.00 per ticket. If you haven't bought your ticket yet but do want see the film, this reviewer's advice is: "Keep waiting!" There is NOTHING in this movie that anyone who is even vaguely familiar with the Star Wars saga needs to rush out and see -- it can be seen just as readily at a $2.00 theater in a month or so as at a $10.00 theater today. George Lucas seriously mis-handled the production of this movie (all, of course, in the interests of secrecy and to generate billions of dollars worth of free publicity), but . . . THERE ARE NO SECRETS IN THIS MOVIE! At least, none that won't wait a month or three for you to find out.
Be warned: those who are completely ignorant of the Star Wars epic (i.e., Parts 4, 5, and 6 of 9), or who are under the age of eight years, or who still believe in the tangible, material reality of the Tooth Fairy should not read further in this On-Line Review, because it contains what you may consdier "spoilers;" anyone else should go ahead and see why they should wait a couple of months to see this at a cheap theater.
You HAVE been warned:
So the two Cheddar Knoghts, Quack Quack and Open-Can, sit down in a room full of poison gas from which they manage to escape even though we don't see how and it makes no sense at all to anyone who hasn't seen Parts 4,5, and 6, but --HEY! -- this ain't James Bond, you know. If you want logical explanations you don't have to watch the movie -- just buy your ticket in advance and stay at home.
Then the Frogeration Viceroy sends a shitload of robots down to Noboobies, but these robots in no way represent, symbolically, or by inferrence, mindless hordes of Godless Orientals sweeping over the Earth, because this isn't set on Earth, remember? But the important thing about this (aside from the fact that it allows for the marketing of several different toys) is that Quack Quack and Open-Can land on Noboobies! (Apparently the Frogeration can build a better robot, transmit holographic messages instantly across trillions of miles of space, but haven't quite mastered the art of installing car alarms on their spaceships).
Quack Quack is immediately sought out as a protector by Jughead Stinx, who is a Rastaphibian of the Ganja people who live underwater on Noboobies, and just because the Ganjaphibians all speak like Jamaicans, Bahamians, and Barbadians, and are REALLY sensitive about being thought stupid by the people of Noboobies, this is not intended in any way to represent, directly or by implication, any negative stereotype of any person of African ancestry, because this isn't set on Earth, remember, so even though there are humans in this galaxy, they are far, far away and DO NOT represent any stereotypical Earth inhabitants, least of all cowardly, lazy Step'n'Fetchit types who roll their eyes, can't speak English clearly and are always saying things which amount to, "Feets, do yo' stuff!".
To make a lack of story less unbelievable, Quack Quack and Open-Can meet Queen Amygdala, and they decide to go to the Senate (fat lot of good that ever does anyone!) with R2D2, who is the only character in the movie who can act, not that it does the audience any good, because all he can do is hoot and whistle, but that's still better than the dialogue the humans are droning.
So, Quack Quack, Open-Can, Jughead Stinx, Queen Amygdala, R2D2, and Captain Token, who has black skin, so that proves that this isn't a racist movie (even though he is only a Captain despite the fact that he seems to command the planetary defense forces of Noboobies, and the robots all have more lines), and some "handmaidens" leave the rest of the population behind to be put in internment camps by the Frogeration forces (which is not to be taken as in any way reminiscent of Japanese prisoner-of-war camps in World War II, because these guys are Deep Ones and not Japanese, remember).
In order to lay the groundwork for the next five movies, Queen Amygdala's ship is forced to land on Tatooed Weenie, because Quack Quack has seen Part Four and knows that they have something or other to do there. So, while Open-Can stays on a sound stage in England or California or someplace with Captain Token, Quack Quack and Jughead Stinx set out across the deserts of Tunisia . . . er . . . Tatooed Weenie with one of the "handmaidens," who is so damned persuasive that she manages to get the famous Cheddar Knight to overlook the fact that she is the same height, weight, and general build as Queen Amygdala, speaks in her voice, and in every way perfectly resembles her except that she has a cheaper wardrobe and less garish make-up. Needless to say, the audience in that galaxy, far, far away never notices little things like this either.
In Tatooed Weenie, they meet little Aintanactor, who was born without a father, which is in no way meant to suggest, directly or by implication, that he arose from a virgin birth in a blasphemous parody of Christian dogma, because this ain't Earth, and none of these people are Christians. However, as everybody except the characters in this movie know, Aintanactor is really Loogie Spithawker's father, which means that he is . . . (pregnant pause of suspense for those who didn't see the advertising posters six months ago) . . . the future Dark Vapor, champion of The Other Side of the Cheddar!!! At least, his clone or something will become Dark Vapor in Part Two or Part Three, because we gotta keep things light so we can sell more toys -- I mean it's bad enough that the kid had a virgin birth . . . er . . . "had no father" (which could mean that he is a clone himself or parthenogenetically conceived because these people aren't really Earth humans, after all or that the Boss of the Trade Frogeration genetically engineered him in a test tube, even though this isn't Brave New World), and Dark Vapor is, after all, the embodiment of all that is evil and asthmatic in the Galaxy.
Anyway, to get back to the story, Ben Hur and Mesalla compete in the big chariot race, and Ben Hur wins the money everybody needs to get to Rome, and Quack Quack frees him from slavery, because that's the way Lew Wallace would have wanted it, and Quack Quack, the "handmaiden," Aintanactor, and Jughead Stinx all leave Tunisia and go back to the sound stage where Open-Can and Captain Token are waiting, so their acting doesn't look as flat as it did while they were talking to each other on different continents. BUT, Aintanactor's mother, Shmoo (not to be confused with any copyrighted or trademarked cartoon character belonging to any other corporate entity), is left behind with a naked C3PO (whom Aintanactor had built from scratch); this is to lay the groundwork for Parts Two, Three, and Four, and is in no way meant to suggest that Aintanactor's mother, Shmoo, is in any way, shape, or form Loogie Spithawker's "Aunt Pru" in Part Four. Oh, and Aintanactor turns out to have more Seed in him than anyone else has apparently ever had (which is not to be taken in any way as a reference to the Christian dogma of the Virgin Mary as being the Vessel Whose Womb carries the Divine Seed which grows up into the Fruit, Jesus, because none of these people are Christians, remember). And, oh, yeah, Aintanactor (who is like, ten years old) gets the pre-pubescent hots for the "handmaid."
Then some more stuff happens and they wind up on the Republican Capital, which has been completely paved over (which means that the Republican bureaucrats have outmaneuvered the Sierra Club -- which is not to suggest that this is Earth, because James Watt isn't in this, and it certainly isn't Trantor, because if it was, Isaac Asimov's estate would sue the hell out of George Lucas). Here, Senator Pumpingteens lays the groundwork for what everybody except Queen Amygdala and the Cheddar Knight Council knows is a coup which will ultimately lead to the establishment of the Galactic Empire in Part Two or Part Three. Oh, and Senator Pumpingteens has a cleft chin, by the way.
Some more stuff happens and, in order to broaden the available toy line, everybody who is anybody goes back to Noboobies, but not until Samuel L. Jackson shows up as Race Card to prove that not all dark-skinned Cheddar Knights are bad (all of the rest of them are, but that doesn't mean that Race Card is a token -- Token is Queen Amygdala's Captain, remember -- try and keep all of this straight -- which is very important because there are no homos in this galaxy, either!). Anyway, when they get back to Noboobies, Queen Amygdala, who hasn't said a bloody thing thing since they left the capital, remains silent while "the handmain" hawks a loogie at the flippers of the Boss Ganjaphibian (Spit Walking run in her family, as we will probabbly learn in Part two or Part Three, based on what we know from Part Six and the fact that Aintanactor has the hots for her now). This reveals that -- SHOCKING REVELATION!!! -- "the handmaid" is really Queen Amygdala in mufti! -- a fact not guessed by any of the Cheddar Knights or Aintanactor despite the fact that Aintanactor has had plenty of Seed planted in him (age of consent laws notwithstanding).
Before you can say "chittlins and grits," the Ganjaphibians, who are just tickled pink that the white folks from the big city is comin' to ask fo' Ganjaphibian he'p, even when them folks thinks the Ganjaphibians is lazy, shiftless, and ain't got much sense, raise an enormous army with high tech weapons (many of which will make suitable toys for children not under five years of age -- please do not aim power marbles at eyes or use catapults without adult supervision -- no warranty expressed or implied), and -- lawzy, ain't it a rib-tickler, Jughead Stinx gets hisse'f made Gen'l o' tha Ganjaphibian army (many of whose beasts of burden will make suitable toys for children not under five years of age -- please do not poke pointy parts into eyeballs or insert into electrical sockets to make them glow blue -- no warranty expressed or implied).
The white folks and Captain Token, meanwhile, get to sneak into the undefended town while the Ganjaphibians get to face about a billion robots. This is okay, because the Ganjaphibians is used ta libbin in they swimmin' ho'es and ain't gots no airmen (because this ain't Earth and they ain't no "Tuskeegee Frogmen"). Flyin' space ships is fo' white folks only on Noboobies, where there are separate but equal communities for humans and Ganjaphibians.
Meanwhile, the Frogeration Viceroy (who is not meant in any way to resemble Sesue Hayakawa or any other Japanese, Chinese, or other Oriental person, living or dead) are counting on Dark Maw -- who is a Slit -- to protect them from the Cheddar Knights. (And don't think that just because Dark Maw is black that this implies that all all dark-skinned Cheddar Knights are evil -- Samuel L. Jackson is a "good" Cheddar Knight, after all, and doen't have any uppity ideas -- or ambition -- at all!)
Uh, let's see . . . the Frogeration robots fall for the old "fake Queen in the hallway while the heroes use their Bat-grapnels" trick, and allow the white folks and Captain Token into the Throne Room, which is supposed to prove something or other.
Out in the fields, the Ganjaphibians hold off the robots long enough for children to see a wide variety of potential toys which they will immediately demand that their parents buy for them, at which point the robots come through the Ganja force field and Jughead Stinx tries to get his feet to do they stuff -- which doesn't work very well because Jughead Stinx is, even by Ganjaphibian standards, pretty far down the wrong side of the Bell Curve. . . . BUT . . . because it said to in the script, Aintanactor and R2D2 fly out to the Death Star . . . er . . . communications ship, and destroy it, immobilizing all of the robots and allowing Jughead Stinx to run away.
Meanwhile, Dark Maw (who seems to be Jackie Chan in blackface, with his voice dubbed, just like in the good old Hong Kong Kung Fooey movie days) kills Quack Quack, and is killed by Open-Can. This is A GOOD THING (at least for the making of Parts Two and Three) because it means that now Open-Can has proved himself to be a true Cheddar Knight and can train Aintanactor in the ways of Cheesiness.
And there's a big parade and a lot of potential collector's items are shown on screen (investors: take note!) and Senator Pumpingteens (who is by now Chancellor) shows off the cleft in his chin, to the suspicion of none of the characters, and Part One ends, leaving you plenty of time to buy all of the toys and collectibles associated with it, and still create a college savings account for your children, which you can cash in when Part Two comes out so that you can buy Part Two Collectibles, which, by the time Part Three comes out, will be worth enough for you to pay for your tickets to see that film (which your kids will have already seen because they are working at the theater selling popcorn and sweeping up, their college funds having been spent to buy all of the stuff from Part One which will still be sitting in your garage by then).
WHEW! Quite an adventure, ain't it?
My rating: W2: Worth $2.00. Mind you, unless you have a $10,000+ home theater system, this is not going to light your fires on video or DVD or laser Disc as much as it will theatrically on a big screen, so do try to see it theatrically -- just don't spend more than US$2.00 for a ticket. (For my foreign readers, US$2.00 is about the cost of a ticket in the worst theater in the most crime-infested neighborhoods of major American cities, or the cost of a ticket in a theater so far away from a major city that it would take an hour's automobile ride to reach it. If you are in Kazakhstan or some place where new movies screen for the equivalent of half a USA dollar, think of a W2 rating as meaning that you shouldn't spend more one-forth of a top movie ticket price to see this. Of course, in Kazakhstan the film will probably be dubbed, so the acting will probably seem a lot better than it really is. Come to think of it, Star Wars: Part One probably plays better in Urdu, Hindi, Pashtu, Kiswahili, Sotho, Basque, or any other language than it does in English. . . .)
