Well, I guess it's time to tell you all the TRUTH about the bumper stickers.
We here at BLTM (Better Living Thru Music) Labs, are currently under a
contract with the US Government to develop a new drug to improve the
quality of life here and abroad. After years of study our group came to the
conclusion that a steady diet of music by Neil Young produces a kinder,
gentler frame of mind. So we developed a drug that encourages people to listen
to Neil Young. And you folks were our unknowing test subjects! Hee Hee....
You may have noticed a peculiar smell coming from your stickers when you
received them. We added our experimental chemical compound called
"NealbarbitalYttrium90-LysergideMusicotherapudicIsotopicBetaine", commonly
called NY-LMIB here at the lab. NY-LMIB acts sort of like a pheromone,
producing a change in the social behavior of individuals.
It's still under development, but some of the ingredients are sacred roots,
cinnamon, and chemicals mixed in an acoustic solution of electrolytes.
This drug has been thoroughly tested using laboratory animals with no adverse
side effects, (All animal testing was supervised by PETA). In each case the
animal test subject, when given a choice between Neil and any other artist or
group, would choose to listen to Neil. Our test canine, Elvis, particularly
liked the Harvest Moon CD. I must repeat at this time that we recorded NO
significant side effects. However, it now appears that some individuals are
having adverse reactions. The drug was supposed to gradually encourage people
to listen to Neil.
There are at least two confirmed reports of people so overcome with the desire
to hear Neil that they have committed illegal acts in an attempt to hear his
music. One individual, upon smelling NY-LMIB on one of your cars, broke in
and stole the tape deck with the Osaka '76 boot! Another individual had his
CD-ROM stolen from his computer with the This Notes for You - Hamburg CD.
Other reports are filtering in.....lights being left on, minor auto accidents,
etc. It seems there may be another side effect on those with an already
perverse interest in Neilusic. An effect know as Neil-Zoning. Some folks get
what might be considered an overdose and subsequently their brain functions
becomes so absorbed with NY they neglect other activities necessary for day to
day survival. Otherwise known as becoming stupid!
Due to the unforeseen reactions, BLTM is issuing the following warning:
******* WARNING *******
Before putting these stickers anywhere, please test your tolerance by
sniffing the sticker for 3 to 5 minutes. Next, go to your CD or tape player
and play anything but Neil Young. If you can listen to it for more than 15
minutes then you are probably OK with the NY-LMIB. If you rip out the CD/tape
and immediately play some NY, then destroy the stickers at once.
Also, we advise against putting these in any public place. If you put one on
your car, be sure and cover it with at least three inches of aluminum foil.
This will contain the NY-LMIB, however, use precaution when removing as the
drug tends to build up when covered.
*The only known way to make the stickers totally inert is to soak them in
a mixture of Clyde farts and bleach. Be warned that this process may produce
another side effect know as "CannotFathomAnythingRelatingToSoul". Otherwise
known as CFART syndrome. Sufferers of this cannot stand NY, and prefer only
speed guitar performed with a souless precision.
