Alone, adj. In bad company.
April Fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
Arrest, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. - The Unauthorized Version.
Auctioneer, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
Beauty, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Brute, n. See HUSBAND
Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.
Congress, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
Consult, v.t. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on.
Court Fool, n. The plaintiff.
Coward, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Dentist, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.
Distress, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
Edible, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and man to a worm.
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Eulogy, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
Felon, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.
Fiddle, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.
Fidelity, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Gargoyle, n. A rain-spot projecting from the eaves of medieval buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially he case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics and contoversialists. Sometimes when a new dead and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the new incumbents.
Grave, n. A place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
Hearse,n. Death's bab-carriage.
Historian, n. A broad-guage gossip.
Homicide, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another - the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.
Kill, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
Koran, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
Liar, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions ; barbarous nations breathing pure air and earing simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is somethimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
Magpie, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to some one that it might be taught to talk.
More, adj. The comparative degree of too much.
November, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
Once, adv. Enough.
Painting, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
Phoenix, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird."
Pie, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.
Riot, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
Senate, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
Take, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
Truthful, adj. Dumb and illiterate.
Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness beyond the devil.
Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
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