Small objects of desire or severe wastes of the Earths resources, Cult TV has spawned many utterly useless pieces of paraphanalia. Doctor Who, the subject of our interviews, is no exception. These cheap lumps of paper or plastic can be found lurking at the back of cupboards that are never opened in the presence of friends or partners. Your ownership of these symbols of your devotion known only to fellow believers. Alternatively you can don your anorak, add a nerdy twang to your ever thickening Birmingham accent, and proudly display your hoard on Schofield's Quest, whilst proclaiming unto the world that you have named your eldest son Adric.
It is extremely generous of a man in his position to bring children into the world. If there is one golden rule it is that children are kept well away from your prized pocessions. These minature heathens labour under the delusion that Dalek toys are for playing with. How many people lie awake at night, consumed with bitterness, remembering the time their friction drive Dalek "drove itself", protuberances akimbo, off the side of a table to it's doom.
Another possible hobby for your 'out of the closet' Doctor Who fan is hanging around sports centre changing rooms waiting to catch sight of a pair of Tom Baker underpants. These relics of BHS's glory days were in sold in literally tens of units and are now extremely rare. On spotting a pair the brave of heart and solid of purpose can offer a sum of money for their removal - but beware, the NHS is not in a good state these days. After all, Tom Baker doesn't go on tours of hospital wards any more, so what can you expect?
More items will be added in the future, but for now-
DENYS FISHER LEELA DOLL
This is the rarest of all the Doctor Who action figures because the predominantly male, pre-pubescent, 1970s fans couldn't stand the embarrasement of being seen buying a 'doll'.
The Leela doll was produced as part of a range that included Tom Baker, K9, the Giant Robot, a Cyberman, and a Dalek. The figures were produced in Italy, where they were also distributed to universal apathy as Doctor Who had never been screened there and nobody knew what they were. Mint boxed examples now sell for well in excess of one hundred pounds and even passable box-less ones can sell for fifty pounds.
Of the two 'human' dolls this easily the best as it's face, at least, is recognisably that of Louise Jameson, even if she does look like she's just read a script containing no other lines than "what is it, Doctor?" Unfortunately the doll's disproportionately massive growth of hair appears to defy all the laws of gravity by hanging in a similar way to the leaves on a Spider Plant. The Tom Baker doll was criticised at the time of it's release for looking like Gareth Hunt, it later transpired that this was because it was a redressed New Avengers doll. The Cyberman released was also slightly wierd as, uniquely amongst Cybermen, it has a nose, something that is not strictly necessary for a race of beings that don't need to breath.
WHO IS THE DOCTOR?
This was a single released in 1972 to cash in on the Christmas novelty market. It features Jon Pertwee singing along to the Doctor Who theme tune. Unsurprisingly it failed to chart.
The successful 1988 single Doctorin' the Tardis was criticised, oooo at least once in the DWB letters page, for it's lack of meaningful lyrics. Whoever it was who criticised it should love this as it is jam-packed with lyrics, these include: "I cross the void beyond the mind/The empty space that circles time/I see where others stumble blind/To seek the truth they'll never find/Eternal wisdom is my guide/I am the Doctor." Get on down.
The record company was not put off by its initial failure and the single was re-released in the early eighties. This time it was accompanied by a B side that featured a group called Blood Donor singing "With his long scarf and K9 friend/It's Doctor Who/It's Doctor Who/It's Doctor Who" repeatedly and at a higher pitch each time. Oddly enough it failed to chart for a second time. Be warned, you may think Who Is The Doctor has disappeared forever but remember that one persistent record company took thirty years and three attempts before they finally managed to get Patrick Macnee and Honor Blackman singing Kinky Boots into the charts.