1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black
masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible
fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out. If you choose to
do so, take the damn flashlight not the candle!!!! It's gonna blow out!!!
5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they
speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the
long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared.
6) When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.
7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along.
Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And
if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're
driving with them to the place.
8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt,
mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave
the room immediately if you value your life.
11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are
doing.
14) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are
female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's
still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
15) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing,
fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast
as possible.
16) Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm
Street, Transylvania, Crystal Lake, Haddonfield, any hotels such as the Bates and the Overlook
, Nilbog (God help you if you recognizethis one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in
Maine or Massachusetts.
17) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone
for help.
18) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric
carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws,
weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.
19) Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far
more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
20) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we
can learn from them".
21) Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
22) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay
away.
23) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.
24) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no
matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times
before it will fire up.
25) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice
that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
26) When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive,
never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five
minutes.
27) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.
28) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
29) People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them
as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their
flayed corpse at some point.
30) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.
31) If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some
strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are A) either already taken
over themselves and will turn you in or B) will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you
must handle the problem yourself.
32) If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be
cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility
towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as
kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyways because you are inferior to them.
33) If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In
fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and
usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villian wants as their own.
34) If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahna, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit
more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that
town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the
like) for they will not believe you.
35) Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If
you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.
36) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them
alone.
37) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result
of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway.
38) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two
rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.
39) Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark
anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake)
40) If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall
asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by
yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.
41) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity
to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.
42) If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a
new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before
you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload)
43) If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope, because sooner or later, no
matter how many anti-biotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em.
44) If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the
monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because you will immediately be mistaken for
a/the monster.
50) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other
strange noises from the other side.
51) DO NOT go into the dark room.
52) If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a
female.
53) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
54) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool
more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the
nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul
lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.
55) If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.
56) Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
57) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
58) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be
alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you
want to die!!
59) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next
thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.
60)If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no
apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.
61) If the Master does not approve, neither do you.
62) Never handle the rat-monkey cage.
63) Your dog can take care of itself..
64) So can your spouse...
65) And your kids.
66) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.
67) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.
68) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.
69) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the one that actually occurs.
70) Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed.
71) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately
empty all your shots in the mosnters' head.
72) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a successful demon/devil/monster summoning.
73) People driven by veangance always die.
74) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you
killed.
75) Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.
76) Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.
77) Feel no guilt.
78) If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in
particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country
IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.
79) If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it.
Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to
take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.
80) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can
NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
81) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit
of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and
always get a new spouse/S.O.
82) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear
in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up
and look behind you).
83) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the
opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.
84) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's
wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your
friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck.
85) If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign
of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors,
windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to
you.
86) If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of
glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of
action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)
87) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they
stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
88) If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all
people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.
89) If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic
Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you
over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.
90) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end
(or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).
91) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY!
Otherwise, monsters will invariably seek you out, gloat in defiance of "your weak faith," and say
mean things about your deity.
92) Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.)
TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED!
Better you use it then the monster.
93) If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself
IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found when you're being eaten alive.
94) A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction.
Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.
95) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Prefferably use all
of the above. And an atom bomb.
96) ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all
chemical and germ weapons.
97) ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA
is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and
try your hand at gene-splicing!
98) Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit
the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe ... and if you're reaaalll lucky... and if the
creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).
99) Never, ever, ever say you will be right back because you won't be
100) If you go to a little town and the people are foaming at the mouth, leave at once!
101) Women in horror movies never wear bras. If you're a woman in a horror movie, don't
bother with the bra. Actually, men, please refrain from wearing bras also..
102) If you're making a sequel, remember, the death count is always higher.
103) Always listen to the bike-riding town loonie who tells you that you're doomed.
104) If being chased by a phsyco killer never ever run up the stairs because you won't make
proceed through one of the doors to get help
105) If there's ever any question that your significant other might be the killer, don't wonder.
They are!
NOTE: This rule only applies if another character does not have a crush on you.
106) If you are ever a new character in a set of sequels, you made a bad career choice. This
particularly applies if the main character is a haunted young woman obsessed with some one named Freddy, Jason, Michael, Norman,Leatherface, or Pinhead.
107) If you ever learn that your parents have assisted in the killing of any serial killer, rapist, etc...
disown them and move far away quickly.
108) If you are running from anyone/thing and you encounter a locked door, DO NOT TRY TO
OPEN IT! Instead run on to the next available door or window.
109) If you ever find yourself in a secluded house and you start recieving strange phone calls, get
in the car and leave.
NOTE: Babysitters should keanly observe this rule.
110) Never sign on to be the bad guys henchman. Even if he survives the hero/in will inevitably
manage to knock you off.
111) If you ever realize the calendar says October 31st, of the 13th of any month, and it's
Friday, hide in the closet for at least a week.
112) Never, Ever, Ever, walk backwards in a horror movie. The killer will always appear behind
you.
113) Never have sex, it's a death wish.
114) Never drink beer or do alchohol or any other form of drugs, a death omen.
115) Never put make-up on a Good Guy doll.
116) If you hear a strange noise and a friend suddenly vanishes, expect to die pretty damn quick!
117) If you are with a bunch of people always stay together. If you go somewhere alone you are
sure to get picked off.
118) If you're black or overweight, expect to die by the last third of the movie.
119)When buying your child a toy that requires batteries to run, make sure said toy actually has
batteries in it when it starts working.
120) Stay a virgin if you want to live.
121) If you even THINK your adopted child might be the son of a jackel or other non-human
animal, dispose of him immediatley. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Gregory Peck.......
122) Never cry over the deceased, you become an easy target to the killer or if the dead body
turns into a demon or zombie it will kill you.
123) If you ever find yourself in a town full of zombies, find the nearest black guy around. For
some odd reason, black males tend to know how to deal with zombies.
124) If you find that your parents killed the psycho killer years ago, expect the killer to come and
kill you. (Donated by Kirwin)
125) If you find there is a curse on your family, disown them, change your name, and move away
immedieately! (Donated by Kirwin)
126) Don't be the big, tough jock, they always die.
127) Always believe the killer when he tells you how he's going to kill you.
128) Never disobey any of these rules or take them as jokes.
129) Always listen to the old people that sound crazy.
130) If someone that was a demon says they're ok, even if they look ok, they're not, so kill them quick!
131) If someone starts turning their head 360 degrees or more, call a priest.
132) If you suspect someone has turned to witchcraft, become their friend.
133) Never join the bloodthirsty mob, it's only an adrenaline rush and it'll wear off, then the mob
will be killed.
134) Never give a Leprechaun his gold coins back to save your life, he'll just get more powerful
and kill you anyway.
135) Only females can really kick the killers ass so if you're a guy just get the hell outta there!
136) Never use a Ouija board.
137) If you buy a fuzzy little animal and it has certain rules to follow to care for it, follow the
rules!
138) Never hesitate to kill the killer, it'll only get your killed.
139) If the killer is wounded, always hit the wound, it's much more painful and easier than trying
to make new wounds.
140) When buying a new house, always get a priest to bless it.
141) Always check the history of a house before buying it, in case it was built on a cemetary or
something.
142) Never Yell At The Screen Because They Can't Hear You.
143) If you have a chance to get the weapon, take it and run!
144) If you open a door to check a room, the killer will always be standing behind the door
when you close it.
145) If your child starts to sing 1,2 Freddy's coming for you and has knives taped to his 4 fingers
its time to put him up for adoption.
146) If your loved one looks like a monster but all of the sudden doesn't don't beleive it because
if you do you are bound to die.
147) If your daughter starts to bounce out of her bed do go to the doctor they will tell you it was
a musle spazum, so go to a preist instead.
148) If you are female, never get all dressed up and go into the woods to look for someone
because, chances are, you'll find his/her dead body, scream, attract the killer's attention \ and get
killed in some gruesome way.
149) Never say your wishes to strangers!
150) NEVER, EVER RUN UP TO THE KILLER! REMEMBER ALL OF THE FRIDAY
THE 13TH'S, NEVER RUN UP TO THEM! U WILL DIE.
151) Never say drinking will kill you if you're a drunk, or you'll get stabbed with your own bottle
(same with smoking or drugs)
152) When running away from a serial killer in a large forest, always make sure your shoelaces
are tied and you dont trip on a branch.
153) If you are running away from a killer, never run into a secluded area like a houe or a
hospitol, because the killer can get to you.
154) If the killer is wearing a mask and looks dead, don't try to pull it off.
155) If you knock the killer out never go to the other room to to get somebody because when
you come back he will be gone.
156) If you're in a public place (Parade, Movie theatre, party, etc.) and you see someone in the
process of being sliced and diced. Do not stand around and watch helplessly.
Either offer help or get the hell out of there. Either/Or, but make a choice.
157) Never demonstrate proficiency with firearms, martial arts, or any other form of
self-defense. When the killing starts, you'll get hit from behind.
158) Never drink the worm out of the tequila if you suspect your house may be occupied by a
poltergeist.
159) Don't try to be the hero it will get you nowhere.
160) Don't tease or make fun of a monster!
161) When you're talking about a murder and someone is looking at you, RUN!
162) If you have the option of running upstairs or outside to avoid a possible sticky encounter that might leave you trapped always pick outside.
163) Never undress in front of a window.
164) Never be the fat kid in a horror film, if you are, i
suggest you get on the damn phone and call 1-900-jenny. If
you have a dog, dont even bother to name it cause its gonna die
in a few minutes anyway.
165) Never under any reason let someone put you to sleep in a
movie it is bad news.
166) If your kid ever talks to there dolls and says they are
after people belive them. )
167) Don't ever say whose there......
168) If you are dreaming that you are driving and you see the
killer in the middle of the street, don't try to run him
down, you will just wake up and notice that you hit a tree.
169) If people start getting killed, find the biggest, most open
field youu can and sit in the middle of it with a
cooler of beer and a shotgun.
170) If your ever caught trying to run away from the "bad guy"
in the woods. QUIT RUNNING!! You'll end up tripping
and the "bad guy" will get ya. Go and climb a tree!!
171) Well, don't like wait until everyone's dead to kill the
killer.
172) If a child likes you and you're at least five years older
than them LEAVE town IMMEDEATLY!!!!
173) Never run upstairs when you can run outside through the front door.
174) Never become a toymaker, you'll only end up making a doll
that gets possessed by a serial killer or you'll make a puzzle box that opens
up a gateway to hell.
175) Under no circumstances should you get up for a snack or drink after sex. When you return,
your significant other
will not be as you left him/her. Also, if you are the partner left, get the hell out of the room
IMMEDIATELY!
176) If you take a trip to Texas, never and I mean never stop at a gas station called Last Chance
Gas.
177) Don't eat barbecue that has been cooked by a family with the last name of Sawyers.
178) Never go in the old micheal myers house or in the camp crystal forest and don't go to sleep
when you live on elm
street drink lots of caffeine or expect to die.
179) As a general
rule, stay off of dimly lit, poorly made space rigs (especially if the people in the ships visual
log are pulling out their own eyes)
180) If your child has 666 carved in his scalp, stab him with a holy dagger(I know it's hard but
it's 4 your own
benifit and Gregory Peck's.
181) Never lose your virginity DURING THE FILM(Scream was a exception)
182) If and when you have killed the killer/or monster,do not stand over him/her and gloat or
linger over the
body,when he/she looks as if he is dead,take out their heart and cut of their head in order to
assure no more appearances of the
killer/monster.
183) Any Time Your In A Horror Movie, And You Start To Hear Suspenseful Music, Get The
Heck Out Of There! Or Better
Yet, Kill Yourself. It Will Save You The Torture Of Being Slaughtered.(unless your a female
virgin, in which case don't worry you
can't die)
184) Never try to buy a voodoo doll.It'll kill somebody. Better yet. Don't do voodoo
185) If you have a shotgun or some other big gun and your shooting a monster and it has no
effect on it, don't just
whip out a tiny pistol and start shooting at it! RUN, you IDIOT!!!!!!
186) Never hide in the least suspected places because the killer will still find you.
187) If normal household items (tables, chairs, etc.) start moving across the room on their own,
MOVE IMMEDIATELY!
188) If you see a dead body Do Not Scream it will only get you killed next!
189) Never ever try to hide from the monster. If you do, your dead.
190) If someone/something you love dies don't bury it in the graveyard as it will come back
meaner and nastier and
eventually hunt you down and kill you. (pet sematary)
191) Never be the villain. The villain will usually die in the end!
192) If the doctor in your town giggles alot,don't go to him when your sick.
193) If you se someone chasing you with a knife,run as fast as you can!!!
194) Always carry essential life saving items such as a wooden stake, a gun loaded with silver
bullets, a cross, a
torch, a chainsaw, a sawed-off shotgun...and remember:NEVER RUN FROM THE KILLER,
KICK HIS ASS!
195) Power tools are good weapons.
196) Never be the asshole in amovie, or you can write your will now!
197) Always listen to crazy old men who say the area is cursed. You will save yourself some
trouble!
198) If you find that your friend has something weird on his or her face, leave it there.
199) NEVER EVER BE FEARFULL BECAUSE REMEMBER THEY ALL LIVE ON
FEAR.
200) Even though you are muscular don't expect to kill Freddy.
201) Cut out all your lights.
202) Never lock doors and stand in a corner...the killer can trap and kill you.
203) Even though you lift weights and work out you can not kill a dream.
204) CHILDREN CAN DIE IN HORROR MOVIES, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
FREDDY KRUEGER WAS A CHILD KILLER. SLEEPAWAY CAMP,
THE FIRST ONE, THE KIDS WERE LIKE 14 OR 15
205) If you get a strange phone call, from a strange person, do not LOCK the door! It will
probaly be your only way
out. Besides, the killer probaly knows the door is locked anyway.
206) If you're hiding in a closet from a psycho-maniac, don't scream (halloween).
207) Once you have killed the bad guy DO NOT drop the weapon you have just used, no
matter how shaged out you are,
because the bad guy is bound to come back to life and use it to kill you!
208) Never try to box the killer, even if you are good. Despite the killer's lack of ringtime, he will
always have
more skills than you.
209) IF your parents kill a monster and you move away in disownment, take ALL your pictures
with you. If you don't,
the killer will see your face, hunt you down and rip your face off.
210) IF YOU SEND THE MONSTER TO HELL DO IT RIGHT CHANCES ARE THE
MONSTER COMES AFTER YOU 30 YRS LATER.
211) Always remain a virgin. No matter how tempting it is because sooner or later you will die.
212) If your girlfriend is a hot cheerleader dump her for the weird chick that nobody likes.(The
cheerleader will only
take you down with her, stick with the freak until half you're friends are dead, then RUN.
213) Say it's a full moon out and you and a friend are walking around, sitting down, standing or
whatever. He/She
starts turning into a werewolf... slowly. Please... DON'T JUST STAND THERE AND
WATCH UNLESS YOU PLAN TO HAVE YOUR HEAD TWISTED OFF
AND SPIKED ON THE FLOOR/GROUND. Just RUN, YOU IDIOT, RUN!
214) If you know your son is dead and you deciede to bring him back from the dead either
prepare for a high death
count or kill him yourself. Or better yet let the dead rest in peace.
