Jokes of the Week

1. Some gangsters think of robbing a bank, they make the best plan that can be made and start to work. A day or two later they are able to get into the bank. They see hundreds of safes; the head gangster says to open the first one up. They open the safe and only thing they find in there is vanilla pudding. The Head Gangster says, "OK, what can we do? At least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They open up the second safe and there is more vanilla pudding, so they eat this too. This process goes on for the rest of the safes. They get out of the bank all stuffed. And they say, "At least we were able to eat." Next day, on the news: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people!"

2. An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "sorry--the record shows you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just WHERE are you going to get a lawyer?"

3. On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinkin', then jumpin' off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides a buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat! The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

4. An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you lad?" "Yessssss, SSSSShombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies. The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key" About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans,"OOH GOD ... they got me girlfriend too!!"

5. A man couldn't find his way around an unfamiliar drugstore, so he went up to the girl at the counter and said, "I'd like some Head & Shoulders please."

She gave him a puzzled glance and said, "What's shoulders?"

6. Things That Make You Say Hmmm:

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

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Interesting Facts of the Week

1. David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie

2. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb

3. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines

4. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age

5. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies

6. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

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Quotes of the Week

1. Maturity is only a short break in adolescence - Jules Feiffer

2. "When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows" - Frederick Ryder

3. "Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it." -Lyndon B. Johnson

4. "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

5. A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"---"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." - Stephen Crane

6.Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. - F. M. Hubbard

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