1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
OR:
I want to call your mother and thank her.

3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]

4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."

12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?

13. Can I flirt with you?

14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if you're the right size.

16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]

23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

27. So... How am I doin'?

28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?

29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?

31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

3. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?

34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

35. (regard their outfit) Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you too

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.

The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered. The wife said, "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

A woman's husband dies and after a few months, she decides she wants a new husband. She submits a classified ad as follows:

"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria.

1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did)
2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did)
3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)"

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man with no arms and no legs is sitting in a wheel chair. She says "Yes. Can I help you?"

"I'm here about your ad in the paper," he responds.

"Which ad is that?" she replies.

He says, "The one looking for a husband."

She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria..."

"Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms."

"Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria."

"And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs."

"Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important..."

"Ah, yes, well, how do you think I rang the door bell?"

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him."No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4 and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in code.

One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to little Katie, "Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter."

Katie runs off to find her mom. " Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter."

Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that he can't type a letter today as there is a "red ribbon" in the typewriter."

Katie ran off to her father and says, " Daddy, daddy, mommy says you can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

A few days later Sharon remembers Mark's request and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can type that letter today."

Katie went off to look for her father and told him, "Daddy, mommy says you can type the letter today."

"Thats OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I don't need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand."

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."