Script
The Bedroom:
The Introduction
[In the opening scene, a young boy is sick in
his bed, playing a video game. His Mother enters.]
Mother: [to her sick little
boy] Hi Honey.
Kid: [mumbles quietly] Hi Mom.
Mother: You feeling any better?
Kid: A little bit.
Mother: Guess what?
Kid: What?
Mother: Your Grandfather is here.
Kid: [pleading] Mom, can't you
tell him I'm sick...
Mother: You're sick? That's why
he's here.
Kid: [distressed] He'll pinch
my cheek...I hate that!
Mother: Maybe he won't...
[Enter the kid's Grandfather, also Narrator
of The Princess Bride]
Grandfather: [entering the room]
Heyyyyy...How's the sick? Huh? [pinching the kids cheek]
Mother: I think I'll leave you
two pals alone.
Grandfather: I brought you a special
present.
Kid: [excitedly] What is it?
Grandfather: Open it up.
Kid: [opening the gift] A book?
Grandfather: That's right, when I was
your age, television was called books; and this is a special book.
It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick and I used
to read it to your father...and today, I'm gonna read it to you.
Kid: [less interested] Does it
got any sports in it?
Grandfather: Are you kidding?
Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes,
true love, miracles...
Kid: It doesn't sound too bad.
I'll try and stay awake.
Grandfather: Oh, well, thank you very
much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.
Oh...alright...The Princess Bride by S. Morgenstern, Chapter 1.
The Farm:
The Beginning
Narrator: Buttercup was raised on a
small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite past-times were
riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His
name was Wesley. But she never called him that. Isn't that
a wonderful beginning?
Kid: [with no enthusiasm]
Yeah...it's really good.
Narrator: Nothing gave Buttercup
as much pleasure as ordering Wesley around.
Buttercup: Farmboy, varnish my horse's
saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
Wesley: As you wish.
Narrator: 'As you wish' was all
he ever said to her.
Buttercup: [holding two empty
pails] Farmboy, fill these with water...please?
Wesley: As you wish.
Narrator: That day she was amazed
to discover that when he was saying 'as you wish,' what he meant was,
'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she
truly loved him back.
Buttercup: Farmboy, fetch me that
pitcher.
Wesley: [taking the pitcher
and whispering] As you wish...
The Bedroom:
The 1st Interruption
Kid: [interrupting the story]
Hold it! Hold it! What is this? Are you trying to trick
me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing book?
Grandfather: Wait, just wait.
Kid: Well when does it get good?
Grandfather: Keep your shirt on
and let me read.
The Farm:
The Departure
Narrator: Wesley had no money for marriage
so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across
the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup.
Kid: I don't believe this!
Buttercup: [crying]
I fear I will never see you again...
Wesley: Of course you will.
Buttercup: But what if something
happens to you?
Wesley: Hear this now, I will always
come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Wesley: This is true love.
You think this happens every day? [They kiss and he leaves]
The Farm:
The Death of Wesley
Narrator: Wesley didn't reach his destination.
His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives
alive. When Buttercup got the news that Wesley was murdered...
Kid: [interrupting]
Murdered by pirates is good!
Narrator: [continuing]
...she went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept
nor ate.
Buttercup: I will never love again.
The Courtyard:
The Announcement
Narrator: Five years later the main
square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement
of the Great Prince Humperdinck's bride to be.
Humperdinck: [Trumpets blaring]
My people! A month from now, our country will have its 500th Anniversary.
On that sundown I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves.
But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet
her?!
Crowd: [echoing] Yes!!!
Humperdinck: My people, the Princess
Buttercup!
Narrator: Buttercup's emptiness
consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right
to choose his bride, she did not love him. [The scene fades to
Buttercup riding her horse the next morning.] Despite Humperdinck's
reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was
in her daily ride.
The Boat:
The Kidnapping
[Enter a Sicilian, a Spaniard, and a Giant]
Sicilian: [halting Buttercup]
A word my lady? We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is
there a village nearby?
Buttercup: There is nothing nearby.
Not for miles.
Sicilian: Then there will be no
one to hear you scream...
[The Giant quickly grabs the princess by
the neck, rendering her unconscious. They take the princess to their
ship.]
Spaniard [Inigo Montoya]: What is that
you're ripping?
Sicilian [Vizzini]: It's fabric
from the uniform of any army officer of Guilder!
Giant [Fezzik]: Who is Guilder?
Vizzini: The country across the
sea! The sworn enemy of Florin! [He attaches the cloth to Buttercup's
horse] Go!!! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will
make the prince suspect that the Guilderians have abducted his love.
When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier his suspicions will
be totally confirmed.
Fezzik: You never said anything
about killing anyone!
Vizzini: [angrily] I've
hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work
with a long and glorious tradition!
Fezzik: I just don't think it's
right...killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did
the word 'think' escape your lips?!! You were not hired for your
brains, you hippopotamic land mass!!
Inigo: [interrupting] I
agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini: Oh, the sot has spoken!
What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her!
And remember this, never forget this; [yelling] When I found you,
you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy!!! [Turning to
Fezzik] And you! Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless!!
Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in
Greenland!! [Vizzini walks away, angered, and sets the ship free.]
The Boat:
The Rhyming
Inigo: Vizzini, he can...fuss.
Fezzik: Fuss...fuss...I think he
likes to scream at us.
Inigo: Probably he means no...harm.
Fezzik: He's very, very short on...charm.
Inigo: You have a great gift for
rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: [overhearing Fezzik]
Enough of that!
Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks
ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we all be
dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I
mean it!
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: Aauuuggghhhhh!!!!!!
The Boat:
The 'Local Fisherman'
[It is night-time, all three and the princess
are still at sea.]
Vizzini: We'll reach the cliffs
by dawn. Why are you doing that? [directed at Inigo who
is staring behind]
Inigo: Making sure nobody's following
us.
Vizzini: That would be inconceivable.
Buttercup: [jumps in] Despite
what you think, you will be caught; and when you are, the prince will see
you all hanged.
Vizzini: Of all the necks on this
boat, highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own...[pausing,
then glancing at Inigo] Stop doing that! We can all relax!
It's almost over.
Inigo: You are sure nobody's follow
us?
Vizzini: As I told you it would
be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one
in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could have gotten
here so fast. [pauses] Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
Inigo: No reason. Suddenly,
I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
Vizzini: [in disbelief]
What?! [now, spying a ship in the distance] Probably...some
local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night...through eel infested
waters.
The Boat:
The Shrieking Eels
[Buttercup jumps overboard]
Vizzini: What?! Go in!!
Go after her!!!
Inigo: [frankly] I don't
swim.
Fezzik: [turning to Vizzini]
I only dog-paddle...
Vizzini: Aauuuggghhhhh!!!!!!
Vizzini: Veer left!...left!...left!
[suddenly, horrible screeching is heard] Do you know what that sound
is, highness? Those are the shrieking eels! If you don't believe
me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed
on human flesh! If you swim back now I promise no harm will come
to you...I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.
The Bedroom:
The 1st Explanation
Grandfather: [Narrator] She
doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
Kid: What?
Grandfather: The eel doesn't get
her...I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous.
Kid: Oh...I wasn't nervous.
Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned but that's not the same thing.
Grandfather: ...Because we can
stop now if you want.
Kid: No, you could read a little
bit more, if you want.
Narrator: [reading Vizzini's
part] 'Do you know what that sound is highness? Those are
the shrieking eels!'
Kid: Pass that, Grandpa.
You read it already.
Grandfather: Oh...oh my goodness,
I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. [now mumbling to
himself] alright, alright, lets see...uh...she was in the water, the
eel was going after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge
her and then...
The Boat:
The Rescue
[Fezzik reaches out of the boat, hits the eel
on the head, and pulls Buttercup back on Board]
Vizzini: Put her down! Just
put her down!
Inigo: [looking back at the
other ship again] I think he's getting closer!
Vizzini: He's no concern of ours!
Sail on! [now, turning to Buttercup] I suppose you think you're
brave, don't you?
Buttercup: Only compared to some.
The Cliffs of Insanity:
The Rope Climb
[Dawn, the next morning]
Inigo: Look! He's right on
top of us! I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using?
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's too
late! See! [pointing skyward] The Cliffs of Insanity!!!
Hurry up! Move...the thing...and...that other thing! Move it!!!
[climbing out] We're safe! Only Fezzik is strong enough to
go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours 'till he finds
a harbor.
[Fezzik, all three holding on to him, proceeds
to climb a rope up the side of the cliff.]
Inigo: [in amazement] He's
climbing the rope....and he's gaining on us.
Vizzini: Inconceivable!....Faster!!
Fezzik: I thought I was going faster.
Vizzini: You were supposed to be
this colossus, you were this great legendary thing and yet he gains!
Fezzik: Well, I'm carrying three
people, and he got only himself.
Vizzini: I do not accept excuses!
I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.
Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini,
please?
Vizzini: Did I make it clear that
your job is at stake?
The Cliffs of Insanity:
The Rock Climb
[Finally, Fezzik reaches the top. Vizzini
quickly cuts through the rope with a dagger. Fezzik and Inigo
peer over the edge of the cliff.]
Fezzik: He's got very good arms.
[Vizzini comes over to look.]
Vizzini: He didn't fall!
Inconceivable!
Inigo: [looking confused]
You keep using that word? I do not think it means what you think
it means...[looking back down] my god...he's climbing.
Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's obviously
seen us with the princess and must therefore die. [to Fezzik] You
carry her. [to Inigo] We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier.
Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine; if not, the sword.
Inigo: I'm going to do him left-handed.
Vizzini: You know what a hurry
we're in!
Inigo: Well, it is the only way
I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly.
Vizzini: Oh have it your way.
Fezzik: [to Inigo] You be careful.
People in masks cannot be trusted.
Vizzini: [impatiently] I'm waiting...
[Inigo practices a few steps. He then
calls to the Man in black.]
Inigo: Hello there. Slow
going?
Man in black: Look, I don't mean
to be rude but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if
you wouldn't distract me.
Inigo: [apologetic] Sorry.
Man in black: Thank you.
Inigo: [Inigo unsheathes his
sword and practices more steps. Calls again to the Man in black.]
I do not suppose you could speed things up?
Man in black: If you're in such
a hurry you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful
to do.
Inigo: I could do that. I
have got some rope up here. But I do not think you would accept my
help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
Man in black: That does put a damper
on our relationship.
Inigo: ...but, I promise
I will not kill you until you reach the top.
Man in black: That's very comforting,
but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
Inigo: I hate waiting. I
could give you my word as a Spaniard?
Man in black: [struggling up
the cliff side] No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
Inigo: Is there any way you'll
trust me?
Man in black: Nothing comes to
mind.
Inigo: [very seriously]
I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top
alive.
Man in black: Throw me the rope.
[Inigo throws the rope to the Man in black,
and helps him to the top where there's a clearing]
The Man In Black:
The Conversation
Man in black: [exhausted] Thank
you. [He struggles to draw his sword]
Inigo: Wait wait wait wait wait
wait 'till you're ready.
Man in black: Again, thank you.
[He sits and removes some stones from his boots]
Inigo: I do not mean to pry, but
you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
Man in black: [revealing his
five fingers] Do you always begin conversations this way?
Inigo: My father was slaughtered
by a six-fingered man. He was a great sword-maker, my father.
When the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father
took the job. He slaved a year before he was done.
[Inigo unsheathes his sword, and shows it
to the Man in black]
Man in black: I've never seen its
equal.
Inigo: Six-fingered man returned
and demanded it...but at one-tenth his promised price. My father
refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through
the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged this man
to a duel. I failed...six-fingered man leave me alive, but he gave
me this [a scar on his cheek] and this [another scar].
Man in black: How old were you?
Inigo: I was eleven years old.
When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing;
so the next time we meet I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered
man and say 'Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare
to die.'
Man in black: [intrigued]
You've done nothing but sword-play?
Inigo: More pursue more than study
lately. You see, I cannot find him...it's been twenty years now and
I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work for Vizzini to pay the
bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.
[After a moments silence, the Man in black
stands up and prepares to battle]
Man in black: Well I....I certainly
hope you find him someday.
Inigo: You all ready then?
Man in black: Whether I am or not,
you've been more than fair.
Inigo: [drawing his sword]
You seem a decent fellow...I hate to kill you.
Man in black: You seem a decent
fellow...I hate to die.
Inigo: [confidently] Begin.
The Man In Black:
The Fencing Match
[Slowly, a great battle ensues. Inigo tests
the Man in black, and the Man in black tests Inigo. They continue
to battle on.]
Inigo: You are using Bonetti's
Defense against me, ah?
Man in black: I thought it fitting
considering the rocky terrain.
Inigo: Naturally, you must suspect
me to attack with Capa Ferro?
Man in black: Naturally...but I
find that Thibault cancels out Capa Ferro. Don't you?
Inigo: Unless the enemy has studied
his Agrippa...which I have.
[They continue to exchange attacks and parries]
Inigo: You are wonderful!
Man in black: Thank you.
I've worked hard to become so.
Inigo: I admit it, you are better
than I am.
Man in black: Then why are you
smiling?
Inigo: Because I know something
you don't know.
Man in black: And what is that?
Inigo: [switching hands]
I am not left-handed!
[Inigo switches to his right hand, and appears
to overwhelm the Man in black]
Man in black: You're amazing!
Inigo: I ought to be after twenty
years.
Man in black: [struggling to
keep Inigo away] There's something I ought to tell you.
Inigo: Tell me!
Man in black: I'm not left-handed
either.
[The Man in black switches to his right hand,
and performs a few amazing feats. They stop fencing for a brief moment.]
Inigo: [in awe] Who are
you?
Man in black: No one of consequence.
Inigo: I must know.
Man in black: Get used to disappointment.
Inigo: [disappointed] Okay...
[The battle rages on again, this time, the
Man in black is dominating. The Man in black knocks the sword
out of Inigo's hand, and circles in behind him]
Inigo: [kneeling]
Kill me quickly.
Man in black: I would as soon destroy
a stained glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since
I can't have you following me either...
[The Man in black hits Inigo on the back
of his head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him out.]
Man in black: [sincerely]
Please understand I hold you in the highest respect.
The Man In Black:
The Wrestling Match
[The Man in black runs off to find Vizzini.
Vizzini spies the man in black from atop a huge hill.]
Vizzini: Inconceivable!!
Give her to me! [taking Buttercup] Catch up with us quickly!
Fezzik: What do I do?
Vizzini: Finish him! Finish
him...your way...
Fezzik: Oh good. My way.
Thank you Vizzini. Which way's my way?
Vizzini: [irritated]
Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder, and in a few minutes
the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his
HEAD is in view hit it with the rock!
Fezzik: [to himself] My
way is not very sportsman-like.
[The Man in black proceeds up the hill, and
is met by a rock crashing against a boulder right next to him.]
Fezzik: I did that on purpose.
I didn't have to miss.
Man in black: I believe you. [pauses]
So what happens now?
Fezzik: We face each other as god
intended; sportsman-like...no tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
Man in black: You mean, you'll
put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each
other like civilized people?
Fezzik: [holding up a large rock]
I could kill you now...
Man in black: Frankly, I think the odds
are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Fezzik: It's not my fault being
the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise.
[The Man in black charges Fezzik, but cannot
knock him down]
Man in black: [agitated]
Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?
Fezzik: I just want you to feel
you are doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. [Fezzik grasps
at him, but misses] You're quick!
Man in black: Good thing too.
Fezzik: [swinging at the man
in black] Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by
acid or something like that?
Man in black: Oh no, it's just
they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them
in the future.
[The Man in black manages to jump onto Fezzik's
back, and tries to choke him. Fezzik pushes his back against a boulder,
almost knocking the wind out of the Man in black]
Fezzik: I just figured out why
you would give me so much trouble.
Man in black: Why is that, do you
think?
Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought
just one person for so long...[struggles more with the man in
black]...I've been specializing in groups, fighting gangs for local
charities...that kind of thing.
Man in black: Why should that make
such a [crash! pause] difference?
Fezzik: [slowing down] You see,
you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people, then
when you only have to worry about one.
[Fezzik falls to the ground, unconscious.
The Man in black checks to see if he is still alive.]
Man in black: I do not envy you
the headache you will have when you awake. But in the meantime, rest
well and dream of large women.
The Pursuit:
The Fencing Match Revisited
[Enter Prince Humperdinck, the Count, and their
guards, examining the battleground of Inigo and the Man in black]
Humperdinck: [examining the
ground] There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were
both masters.
Count Rugen: Who won? How did it
end?
Humperdinck: The loser ran off
alone, and the winner followed those footprints toward Guilder...
Count Rugen: Shall we track them
both?
Humperdinck: The loser is nothing.
Only the princess matters. Clearly this was all planned by warriors
of Guilder! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.
Count Rugen: Could this be a trap?
Humperdinck: I always think everything
could be a trap. That is why I am still alive.
[Humperdinck and his men scurry off.]
The Man In Black:
The Battle of Wits
[Meanwhile the Man in black finds and confronts
Vizzini who is preparing to eat.]
Vizzini: So, it is down to you,
and it is down to me...if you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward.
Man in black: Let me explain...
Vizzini: There's nothing to explain.
You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
Man in black: Perhaps an arrangement
can be reached?
Vizzini: There will be no arrangements...and
you're killing her.
Man in black: But if there can
be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I
can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Man in black: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way:
Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Man in black: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons!
Man in black: Really! In that case,
I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Vizzini: For the princess? [Man
in black nods] To the death? [Man in black nods again] I accept!
Man in black: Good, then pour the
wine. [Vizzini pours the wine] Inhale this but do not
touch.
Vizzini: [taking a vial from the man
in black] I smell nothing.
Man in black: What you do not smell
is Iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly
in liquid and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.
Vizzini: [shrugs with laughter]
Hmmm.
Man in black: [turning his back,
and adding the poison to one of the goblets] Alright, where is the
poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide
and we both drink - and find out who is right, and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple.
All I have to do is divine it from what I know of you. Are you the
sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's?
Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would
know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I
am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you...But
you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it,
so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in black: You've made your
decision then?
Vizzini: [happily] Not remotely!
Because Iocaine comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia
is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having
people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly
not choose the wine in front of you.
Man in black: Truly, you have a
dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait 'till I get going!!
...where was I?
Man in black: Australia.
Vizzini: Yes! Australia!
And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so
I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man in black: You're just stalling
now.
Vizzini: You'd like to think that,
wouldn't you! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally
strong...so you could have put the poison in your own goblet trusting on
your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front
of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must
have studied...and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal
so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I
can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
Man in black: You're trying to
trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Vizzini: It has worked! You've
given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Man in black: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will, and I choose...[pointing
behind the man in black] What in the world can that be?
Man in black: [turning around,
while Vizzini switches goblets] What?! Where?! I don't see anything.
Vizzini: Oh, well, I...I could
have sworn I saw something. No matter. [Vizzini laughs]
Man in black: What's so funny?
Vizzini: I...I'll tell you in a
minute. First, lets drink, me from my glass and you from yours.
[They both drink]
Man in black: You guessed wrong.
Vizzini: You only think I guessed
wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your
back was turned! Ha ha, you fool!! You fell victim to one of the
classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land
war in Asia; and only slightly less well known is this: Never go
in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line!
[Vizzini continues to laugh hysterically.
Suddenly, he stops and falls right over. The Man in black removes
the blindfold from the princess.]
Buttercup: Who are you?
Man in black: I'm no one to be
trifled with. That is all you'll ever need know.
Buttercup: And to think, all that
time it was your cup that was poisoned.
Man in black: They were both poisoned.
I spent the last few years building up immunity to iocaine powder.
The Pursuit:
The Wrestling Match Revisited
[The scene switches back to Humperdinck and his
men]
Humperdinck: Some one has beaten
a giant. There will be great suffering in Guilder if she dies.
The Man In Black:
The Warning
[The scene jumps back to the Man in black, running
with the princess]
Man in black: [stops] Catch your
breath.
Buttercup: If you'll release me,
whatever you ask for ransom you'll get it, I promise you.
Man in black: [laughing]
And what is that worth... the promise of a woman...You're very funny highness.
Buttercup: [catching her breath]
I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take me.
There is no greater hunter than Prince Humperdinck. He can track
a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
Man in black: You think your dearest
love will save you?
Buttercup: [insulted] I
never said he was my dearest love. And yes, he will save me - that
I know.
Man in black: [surprised]
You admit to me you do not love your fiancé?
Buttercup: He knows I do not love
him.
Man in black: [snapping]
...Are not capable of love is what you mean.
Buttercup: [taken back]
I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream!
Man in black: [raising his hand at
Buttercup] That was a warning, highness! The next time
my hand flies on its own; where I come from there are penalties when a
women lies.
The Pursuit:
The Battle of Wits Revisited
[The scene cuts back to Humperdinck, examining
the last battle scene]
Humperdinck: Iocaine!
I'd bet my life on it. And there are the princess's footprints. She
is alive, or was an hour ago...if she is otherwise, I shall be very put
out!
The Man In Black:
The Story
[Back to the Man in black, still running]
Man in black: Rest, highness.
Buttercup: I know who you are.
Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts,
admit it!
Man in black: With pride.
What can I do for you?
Buttercup: You can die slowly,
cut into a thousand pieces.
Man in black: [shaking his head]
Hardly complimentary, your highness...Why loose your venom on me?
Buttercup: [upset] You killed
my love.
Man in black: It's possible, I
kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince
like this one...ugly, rich, and scabby?
Buttercup: No, a farmboy...poor!
Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm. On the the high-seas
your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners!
Man in black: I can't afford to
make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone
soft people begin to disobey him and its nothing but work, work, work all
the time.
Buttercup: You mock my pain!
Man in black: Life is pain, highness!
Anyone who says differently is selling something. [pausing for a bit]
I remember this farmboy of yours I think. This would be what?
Five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
Buttercup: Nothing you can say
will upset me.
Man in black: He died well, that
should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply
said please, please, I need to live. It was the please that caught
my memory. I asked what was so important for him; 'True love' he
replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness...I
can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying
him before he found out what you really are.
Buttercup: And what am I?
Man in black: Faithfulness he talked
of, madam, your enduring faithfulness! Now tell me truly, when you found
out he was gone did you get engaged to your prince that same hour or did
you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?
Buttercup: You mocked me once!
Never do it again! I died that day!
The Man In Black:
The Hill
[The Man in black and Buttercup see Humperdinck's
horses in the distance]
Buttercup: [pushing him down
the hillside] You can die too, for all I care!!
Man in black: [tumbling down and echoing]
As.......you.....wish.......
Buttercup: [shocked]
Oh, my sweet Wesley, what have I done?
[Buttercup hurls herself down the mountain,
in chase of Wesley.]
The Pursuit:
The Disappearance
[Humperdinck moves closer]
Humperdinck: They disappeared.
They must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking
into error. Unless I'm wrong, and I'm never wrong, they are headed
straight into the fire-swamp.
The Man In Black:
The Hill Bottom
[Wesley and Buttercup finally cease falling.
Wesley moves over to help Buttercup.]
Wesley: Can you move at all?
Buttercup: [joyous]
Move? You're alive! If you want I could fly.
Wesley: [holding Buttercup]
I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: [sincerely]
Well, you were dead.
Wesley: But death cannot stop true
love...all it can do is delay it for awhile.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Wesley: There will never be a need.
[Buttercup and Wesley kiss.]
The Bedroom:
The 2nd Interruption
Kid: [interrupting the story]
Oh, no! No. Please!
Grandfather: What is it?
What's the matter?
Kid: [disgusted] They're
kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?
Grandfather: Someday you might
not mind so much.
Kid: Get on to the fire-swamp,
that sounded good!
Grandfather: Oh...you're sick,
I'll humor you. Oh, okay....[finds the right page]
The Man In Black:
The Ravine Floor
Narrator: Wesley and Buttercup raced
along the ravine floor.
Wesley: Aha! Your pig fiancé
is too late! A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire-swamp.
Buttercup: [worried] We'll never
survive.
Wesley: [confident] Nonsense!
You're only saying that because no one ever has.
The Fire-Swamp:
The Flame Spurt
[They proceed into the dreary, damp swamp.
Cautiously, they move on. The sounds of many creatures permeate the
air.]
Wesley: It's not that bad...[receives
a glance from Buttercup] ...well I'm not saying I'd like to build a
summer home here but the trees are actually quite lovely.
[They continue through an eerie maze of trees.
Suddenly, a popping sound is heard. A flame shoots up from the ground,
catching Buttercup's dress on fire. She screams.]
Wesley: [calmly, smothering
the flame] Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit,
were you?
Buttercup: [nervously shaking her
head no] You?
[Wesley simply shakes his head no, not losing
an ounce of confidence. They continue. Suddenly another popping
sound is heard. Wesley calmly lifts Buttercup out of harms way as
a flame rises from the ground.]
Wesley: Well, one thing I will
say; the fire swamp certainly does keep you on your toes.
The Fire-Swamp:
The Explanation
Wesley: This will all soon be but a
happy memory. [Wesley cuts through a mass of vines] Robert's
ship Revenge is banked at the far end. And as you know I am Roberts.
Buttercup: But how's that possible,
since he's been marauding 20 years and you only left me 5 years ago?
Wesley: I myself am often surprised
at life's little quirks. See, what I told you before about saying
please was true...it intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your
beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, 'Alright
Wesley, I've never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll most
likely kill you in the morning.' For three years he said that.
'Good night Wesley, good work, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in
the morning.' It was a fine time for me - I was learning to fence,
fight, anything anyone would teach me. Roberts and I eventually became
friends. And then it happened.
Buttercup: What? Go on.
Wesley: Well, Roberts had grown
so rich, he wanted to retire. He took me to his cabin and told me
his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,' he said. 'My
name is Ryar. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate
Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me.
Wesley: [continuing] The
man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either -
his name was Cumberbun. The real Roberts had been retired 15 years
and was living like a king in Patagonia.' [Buttercup pulls some branches
out of the way.] Thank you. Then he explained the name was the
important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would
surrender to the Dread Pirate Wesley. So we sailed ashore, took on
an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all
the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the
ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that we're together,
I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything
clear to you?
The Fire-Swamp:
The Lightning Sand
[Buttercup nods, but looks perplexed. She
steps forward into a pit of sand and suddenly vanishes. Wesley, thinking
quickly, cuts a vine and ties it around himself then plunges down in search
of Buttercup. Moments later, they resurface, gasping for breath and
coughing.]
Buttercup: We'll never succeed.
We may as well die here.
Wesley: No, no. [still gasping]
We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of
the fire-swamp? One, the flame spurt - no problem - there's a popping
sound preceding each. We can avoid that. Two, the lightning
sand which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so
in the future we can avoid that too.
Buttercup: Wesley, what about the
R.O.U.S.'s?
Wesley: Rodents Of Unusual Size?
I don't think they exist.
The Fire-Swamp:
The R.O.U.S.
[Just as Wesley finishes, a huge rodent jumps
on top of him. The rodent bites Wesley on the shoulder. After
some struggle, it breaks free and heads toward Buttercup.]
Buttercup: [screaming]
Wesley!!
[Wesley jumps on the beast and Buttercup
fends it away with a large branch. After much struggle, a popping
sound is heard. A flame rises up and covers the rodent. Not quite
dead, the rodent hobbles away, but Wesley gives chase and stabs
it a few times, killing it.]
The Fire-Swamp:
The Capture
[Wesley and Buttercup finally exit the fire-swamp,
tired and worn.]
Buttercup: [triumphantly]
We did it!
Wesley: Now, was that so terrible?
[They lean toward each other, and are about
to kiss when...out of nowhere, the galloping of horses. Prince Humperdinck
has found them.]
Humperdinck: Surrender!
Wesley: You mean you wish to surrender
to me? Very well then, I accept.
Humperdinck: I give you full marks
for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool.
Wesley: Ah, but how will you capture
us? We know the secrets of the fire-swamp. We can live there
happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.
[Humperdinck's men surround Wesley and Buttercup
with crossbows.]
Humperdinck: I tell you once again,
surrender!
Wesley: It will not happen!
[Wesley draws his sword]
Humperdinck: [shouting]
For the last time, surrender!
Wesley: Death first!
Buttercup: [interrupting]
Will you promise not to hurt him?
Humperdinck: What was that?
Wesley: What was that?
Buttercup: If we surrender, and
I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man?
Humperdinck: May I live a thousand
years and never hunt again!
Buttercup: He is a sailor on the
pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship.
Humperdinck: I swear it will be
done. [Humperdinck whispers to Count Rugen] Once we're out of sight,
take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
Count Rugen: I swear it will be
done.
Buttercup: [to Wesley]
I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could
not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you.
[Buttercup is lifted onto Humperdinck's horse
and taken away.]
Count Rugen: [to Wesley]
Come sir, we must get you to your ship.
Wesley: We are men of action, lies
do not become us.
Count Rugen: Well spoken sir.
[He motions for the guards to escort him away. Wesley notices
the Count has six fingers.] What is it?
Wesley: You have six fingers on
your right hand. Someone was looking for you...
[Count Rugen quickly knocks Wesley out with
the hilt of his sword.]
The Pit of Despair:
The Albino
[Enter an albino. The albino examines Wesley,
who is tied down, and cleanses his wounds.]
Wesley: Where am I?
Albino: [in a raspy voice]
The Pit of Despair....don't even think...cough, gag [The
albino loses his raspy voice.] Don't even think about trying
to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of
being rescued either, the only way in is secret. Only the Prince,
the Count and I know how to get in and out.
Wesley: Then I'm here 'till I die?
Albino: 'Till they kill you, yeah.
Wesley: Then why bother curing
me?
Albino: Well, the Prince and the
Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken.
Wesley: So it's to be torture.
[The albino gestures happily] I can cope with torture. [The
albino vigorously shakes his head no.] You don't believe me?
Albino: You survived the fire-swamp,
you must be very brave. But nobody withstands the machine.
The Nightmare:
The King Dies
[The Castle]
[Buttercup roams the castle, saddened.
Prince Humperdinck and Count Rugen are planning, and notice Buttercup.]
Humperdinck: She's been like that
ever since the fire swamp. It's my father's failing health that's
upsetting her.
Count Rugen: Of course.
Narrator: The King died that very
night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were
married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their
queen.
Humperdinck: [to anticipating
crowd] My father's final words were...
The Bedroom:
The 3rd Interruption
Kid: Hold it! Hold it! Grandpa, you
read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Wesley.
I'm just sure of it...after all that Wesley did for her, if she didn't
marry him, it wouldn't be fair.
Grandfather: Well who says life
is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair?
Kid: [angry] I'm telling
you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!
Grandfather: Do you want me to
go on with this?
Kid: [apologetic]
Yes.
Grandfather: Alright then, no more
interruptions. At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their
queen.
The Nightmare:
The Booer
Humperdinck: My father's final
words were, 'Love her, as I loved her and there will be joy.? I present
to you, your queen; Queen Buttercup.
[Buttercup comes out before the crowd.
She is met by a hideous woman]
Woman: [in a horrid voice]
Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!
Buttercup: [upset] Why do
you do this?
Woman: Because you had love in
your hands and you gave it up!
Buttercup: But they would have
killed Wesley if I hadn't done it.
Woman: Your true love lives, and
you marry another! True love saved her in the fire-swamp, and she
treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse.
So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen
of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence! Boo!
Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo!
Boo! Boo!
[Buttercup wakes up]
Narrator: It was ten days 'till
the wedding. The king still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were
becoming steadily worse.
Kid: See? Didn't I tell you she'd
never marry that rotten Humperdinck.
Narrator: Yes, you're very smart.
Shut up.
The Quarters:
The Deal
[Buttercup confronts Humperdinck in his quarters]
Buttercup: It comes to this:
I love Wesley, I always have - I know now I always will. If you tell
me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning.
Humperdinck: I could never cause
you grief. Consider our wedding off. [turns to the Count]
You um...returned this Wesley to his ship?
Count Rugen: [in a sly voice]
Yes.
Humperdinck: Then we will simply
alert him. Beloved, [to Buttercup] are you certain he still
wants you? After all it was you who did the leaving in the fire-swamp.
Not to mention that, uh, pirates are not known as men of their words.
Buttercup: My Wesley will always
come for me.
Humperdinck: I suggest a deal.
You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships,
one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to
Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver
your message. If Wesley wants you, bless you both; if not, please
consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?
The Tree Grove:
The Plot
[Count Rugen and Humperdinck are just outside
the secret entrance to the Pit of Despair.]
Count Rugen: Your princess is quite
a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps. Her appeal is
undeniable.
Humperdinck: I know, the people
are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have
her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But
it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding
night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will truly be outraged
- they'll demand we go to war.
Count Rugen: [snickers, then examines
a huge tree] Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible
to find...[he finds it and the tree opens to reveal a hidden passage]
Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Wesley's got his strength
back. I'm starting him on the machine tonight.
Humperdinck: [sincerely]
Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's
500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and
Guilder to frame for it; I'm swamped.
Count Rugen: Get some rest.
If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything. [smiles
halfheartedly]
[Count Rugen enters the pit, and Humperdinck
leaves the tree grove.]
The Pit of Despair:
The Machine
Count Rugen: [admiring his torture
contraption] Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime
to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and dividing interest
in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject,
so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you
feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.
[Count Rugen activates the water powered
torture machine. Wesley writhes in great pain.]
Count Rugen: [calmly] As
you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Really
that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life.
I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as
high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you.
So, lets just start with what we have. What did this do to you?
Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest.
How do you feel?
[Wesley cries and moans in pain]
Count Rugen: Interesting.
The Quarters:
The Orders
[Humperdinck again is in his quarters.
Yellin, Humperdinck's man-at-arms, enters the room]
Humperdinck: Yellin.
Yellin: Sire.
Humperdinck: As chief enforcer
of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating
the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night.
Yellin: [surprised]
My spy network has heard no such news.
[Buttercup quietly enters]
Buttercup: Any word from Wesley?
Humperdinck: [startled]
Too soon, my angel. Patience.
Buttercup: He will come for me.
[Buttercup leaves]
Humperdinck: Of course. [turns
to Yellin] She will not be murdered! On the day of
the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested!
Yellin: [distraught]
Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.
Humperdinck: [angered] Form
a brute squad then! I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed.
Yellin: It won't be easy, Sire.
Humperdinck: [sarcastically]
Try ruling the world sometime.
The Thieves' Forest:
The Drunk
Narrator: The day of the wedding arrived.
The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Humperdinck's orders.
[The Thieves' Forest. Yellin and his
men are clearing out the forest.]
Yellin: Is everybody out?
Brute: Almost. There's a
Spaniard giving us some trouble.
Yellin: Well, you give him some...trouble.
Move!
[Inigo is giving one of the guards a difficult
time. Inigo is drunk.]
Inigo: [loud] I am waiting
for you Vizzini! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have.
This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved.
Brute: [angry] Ho
there!
Inigo: [stumbling] I do
not budge. Keep your ho there.
Brute: But the prince gave orders!
[Inigo jumps up and slashes at the brute
with his sword. The guard is taken back.]
Inigo: I know you Vizzini...when
the job went wrong you went back to the beginning...And this is where we
got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying 'till Vizzini
comes.
Brute: [calls out behind Inigo]
You! Brute, come here!
Inigo: [mumbling to himself]
I...am...waiting...for...Vizzini. [Just then, large hand grabs
him from behind.]
Fezzik: You surely are a meany.
[Inigo looks up, and sees that it's Fezzik.]
Fezzik: Hello.
Inigo: It's you!
[The brute jumps in to see what's going on,
but Fezzik knocks him out with one punch.]
Fezzik: You don't look so good...You
don't smell so good either.
Inigo: Perhaps no. I feel
fine... [Fezzik lets go of Inigo, who falls on his face]
The Thieves' Forest:
The Sober
Narrator: Fezzik and Inigo were reunited,
and as Fezzik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo
of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man.
Considering Inigo's life-long search, he handled the news surprisingly
well. [Inigo falls face first into a bowl of soup]. Fezzik
took great care in reviving Inigo. [by repeatedly soaking his head in
and out of hot and cold barrels of water.]
Inigo: [more sober]
That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Rugen now, so I
might kill him?
Fezzik: He's with the prince in
the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men.
Inigo: How many could you handle?
Fezzik: I don't think more than
ten.
Inigo: [counting on his fingers]
...Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many.
I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy.
Fezzik: But Vizzini is dead.
Inigo: [inspired]
No...not Vizzini. I need the Man in black.
Fezzik: What?
Inigo: Look, he bested you at strength,
your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought
Vizzini, and a man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day!
Let's go!
Fezzik: Where?
Inigo: ...Find the Man in black
obviously.
Fezzik: But you don't know where
he is?
Inigo: Don't bother me with trifles,
after twenty years at last my father's soul will be at peace. There
will be blood tonight!
The Quarters:
The Insult
[The scene moves back to Humperdinck, sharpening
a dagger in his chambers. Yellin arrives.]
Humperdinck: Rise and report!
Yellin: The Thieves' Forest is
emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate.
Humperdinck: Double it! My
princess must be safe.
Yellin: The gate has but one key,
and I carry that.
[Buttercup arrives]
Humperdinck: Ah, my dulcet darling!
Tonight, we marry. [turns to Yellin] Tomorrow morning your
men will escort us to Florin Channel, where every ship in my armada waits
to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Buttercup: [disturbed]
Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [Humperdinck looks confused.]
Every ship but the four you sent.
Humperdinck: [recovering badly]
Yes. Yes of course. Naturally not those four.
Yellin: [feeling tension, he
exits] Your majesty.
Buttercup: You never sent the ships.
******************************. Doesn't matter, Wesley will come
for me anyway.
Humperdinck: You're a silly girl.
Buttercup: Yes I am a silly girl,
for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart
full of fear.
Humperdinck: [outraged]
I would not say such things if I were you.
Buttercup: Why not? You can't
hurt me. Wesley and I are joined by the bonds of love, and you cannot
track that; not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break
it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you're a coward, it
is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the Earth.
Humperdinck: [furious]
I would not say such things if I were you!!! [He forcefully escorts
Buttercup to her chamber, and locks her in.]
The Pit of Despair:
The Death of Wesley (again)
[Humperdinck exits the castle and enters the
Pit of Despair]
Humperdinck: [To Wesley]
You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy.
Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks
say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as
you will. [Humperdinck sets the machine to the maximum of 50.]
Count Rugen: [screaming]
Not to fifty!!
The Sound of Ultimate Suffering
[Wesley screams out in pain. The entire
kingdom can hear his cries. Inigo and Fezzik hear the echoing noise
from afar.]
Inigo: Fezzik! Fezzik!
Listen. Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering.
My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The Man
in black makes it now.
Fezzik: The Man in black?
Inigo: His true love is marrying
another tonight. So who else is the cause for ultimate suffering.
[Inigo and Fezzik push their way through a mass of people.] Excuse
me. Pardon me, it's important. [They struggle to move even a few
feet.] Fezzik, please?
Fezzik: [in a bellowing voice]
EVERYBODY, MOVE!!!
Inigo: Thank you. [The
whole crowd clears out, leaving a perfect path for the two.]
The Tree Grove:
The Albino
[Inigo and Fezzik trace the screams to the tree
grove where they find the Albino working with a wheel-barrow.]
Inigo: [to the Albino]
Where is the man in black? You get that from this grove, yes? [No
response] Fezzik, jog his memory.
[Fezzik hits the Albino on the top of his
head, who falls over from the blow]
Fezzik: I'm sorry Inigo.
I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Inigo?
The Tree Grove:
The Guidance
[Inigo, not giving up, kneels on one leg, holding
his sword high. He speaks:]
Inigo: Father, I have failed you
for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere
close by is a man who can help us. I can not find him alone.
I need you. I need you to guide my sword, please. Guide my
sword.
[Inigo stands, eyes closed, and follows his
sword. It sticks into a nearby tree. Inigo thinks he has failed.
He leans against the tree, and the secret entrance is revealed.]
The Pit of Despair:
The Diagnosis
[Fezzik and Inigo enter the Pit of Despair, where
they find Wesley.]
Fezzik: [putting his ear to
Wesley's chest] He's dead.
Inigo: This is no fair.
The Bedroom:
The 4th Interruption
Kid: [jumping in, upset]
Grandpa! Grandpa! Wait, wait. What did Fezzik mean, 'He's
dead.' I mean, he didn't mean 'dead'? Wesley is only faking,
right?
Grandfather: Do you want me to
read this or not?
Kid: Who gets Humperdinck!
Grandfather: I don't understand?
Kid: [annoyed] Who
kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end, someone's got to do it!
Is it Inigo? Who?!
Grandfather: Nobody. Nobody
kills him. He lives.
Kid: You mean he wins? Jesus,
Grandpa! What did you read me this thing for?
Grandfather: You know, you...you've
been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think
we'd better stop now.
Kid: No. I...I'm okay.
I'm okay. Sit down. I'm alright.
Grandfather: Okay. Alright,
now lets see...where were we? Oh, yes, in the Pit of Despair.
The Pit of Despair:
The Body
Inigo: The Montoya's have never taken
defeat easily. Come Fezzik, bring the body.
Fezzik: The body?
Inigo: Have you any money?
Fezzik: I have a little.
Inigo: I just hope it's enough
to buy a miracle, that's all.
The Cottage:
The Miracle
[Inigo and Fezzik arrive with Wesley's body in
front of a small wooden house. Inigo knocks on the door]
Voice: [from inside, irritated]
Go away...
[Inigo knocks harder until a very old man
answers. He looks through a hole cut in the door]
Max: [Old man] What?!
What?!
Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max
who worked for the king all those years?
Max: The king's stinking son fired
me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject.
While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon
juice on it. We're closed! [Max closes a flap over the door
hole, but Inigo still knocks] Beat it or I'll call the brute
squad!
Fezzik: I'm on the brute squad.
Max: You are the brute squad!
Inigo: We need a miracle.
It's very important.
Max: Look, I'm retired. Besides,
why would you want someone the kings stinking son fired. I might
kill whoever you want to make the miracle.
Inigo: He's already dead.
Max: He is, eh? I'll have
a look. Bring him in. [They enter. Max slowly examines
Wesley.] I've seen worse.
Inigo: Sir...sir.
Max: Huh?
Inigo: We're in a terrible rush.
Max: Don't rush me sonny.
You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
Inigo: Sixty-five.
Max: Sheesh! I never worked
for so little; except once and that was a very noble cause.
Inigo: This is noble sir.
His wife is...crippled...children on the brink of starvation...
Max: Are you a rotten liar.
Inigo: I need him to help avenge
my father, murdered these twenty years.
Max: Your first story was better.
Where's that bellows cramp. He probably owes you money, huh.
Well, I'll ask him.
Inigo: He's dead. He can't
talk.
Max: Ooooohhh! Look
who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that your friend here is
only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and
all dead. Please open his mouth. [He inserts the bellows]
Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all
dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.
Inigo: What's that?
Max: Go through his clothes and
look for loose change. [Max pumps air into Wesley and yells at
him] Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important?
Whatcha got here, that's worth living for? [Max pushes on Wesley's
chest]
Wesley: [barely audible]
True....love....
Inigo: [excited] True
love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble
cause than that.
Max: Sonny, true love is the greatest
thing in the world; except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato
sandwich - when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato's ripe.
They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said!
He distinctly said, 'to blaithe.' And as we all know, to blaithe
means to bluff. So, you were probably playing cards and he cheated...
Old woman: [interrupting]
Liar!! Liar!! Liarrrrrrr!
Max: Get back, witch!
Old woman: I'm not a witch, I'm
your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want
to be that anymore.
Max: You never had it so good.
[Max smiles at Inigo]
Valerie: [Max's wife] True
love, he said true love, Max!
Max: Don't say another word, Valerie...[Inigo
looks on in disbelief]
Valerie: You're afraid. Ever
since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence has shattered.
Max: [yelling] Why'd
you say that name?! You promised me that you would never say that
name!
Valerie: What, Humperdinck?!
Max: [cringes] Ahh!!
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Ahh!!
[Valerie is chasing Max around the room yelling.
Max is covering his ears]
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Ahh!!
Valerie: Humperdinck!
Max: Ahh!!
Valerie: [now in a sing-songy
voice] Humperdinck.... Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
Max: I'm not listening!
Valerie: True love, life expiring
and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
Max: Nobody's hearing nothing!
Valerie: Humperdinck! [She
continues to yell 'Humperdinck']
Inigo: [interrupting]
This is Buttercup's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's
wedding!
Max: [to Valerie]
Shut up!
Inigo: Thank you. Thank you.
Max: Wait, wait. I make him
better, Humperdinck suffers?
Inigo: Humiliations galore!
Max: Ha ha!! That is a noble
cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job!
[Max, with help from Valerie concocts a pill
for Wesley.]
Inigo: That's a miracle pill?
Valerie: The chocolate coating
makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes before
potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least...
Max: [jumping in]
An hour!
Valerie: An hour.
Max: ...a good hour...here.
[gives Inigo the pill.]
Inigo: [leaving] Thank
you for everything.
Max: Okay! [Inigo and
Fezzik leave.]
Valerie: Bye bye, boys!
Max: Have fun storming the castle!
Valerie: [to Max]
Think it will work?
Max: It would take a miracle.
Max and Valerie: [waving]
Buh-bye!
The Courtyard:
The Plan
[It's dusk. Inigo and Fezzik are just outside
the castle, looking down at the main gate.]
Fezzik: Inigo, there's more than
thirty!
Inigo: [propping up Wesley]
What's the difference? We've got him! Help me here. We
have to force-feed him.
Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes?
Inigo: We can't wait. The
wedding is in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the
bustle before hand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth. [Inigo
puts the pill into Wesley's mouth.]
Fezzik: How long do we have to
wait before we know if the miracle works?
Inigo: Your guess is as good as
mine.
Wesley: [disoriented] I'll
beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!
Fezzik: I guess not very long.
Wesley: Why won't my arms move?
Fezzik: You've been mostly dead
all day.
Inigo: We had Miracle Max make
a pill to bring you back.
Wesley: Who are you? Are
we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup?
Inigo: Let me explain....no, there
is too much. Let me sum up; Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck
in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in,
break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape - after I kill
Count Rugen.
Wesley: That doesn't leave much
for dilly-dally.
Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger!
That's wonderful!
Wesley: I've always been a quick
healer. What are our liabilities?
Inigo: There is but one working
castle gate, and it is guarded by...[he looks]...sixty men.
Wesley: And our assets?
Inigo: Your brains, Fezzik's strength,
my steel.
Wesley: That's it? Impossible.
If I had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But
this...[shakes his head no]
Fezzik: You just shook your head!
That doesn't make you happy?
Wesley: My brains, his steel and
your strength against sixty men and you think a little head jiggle is supposed
to make me happy? Hmm?? I mean if we only had a wheelbarrow,
that would be something.
Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow
the Albino had?
Fezzik: Over the Albino, I think?
Wesley: Why didn't you list that
among our assets in the first place?! [sigh] What I wouldn't
give for a holocaust cloak...
Inigo: There we cannot help you.
Fezzik: [pulls a black cloak
from under his shirt] Would this do?
Inigo: Where did you get that?
Fezzik: At Miracle Max's.
It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
Wesley: Alright, alright, come
help me up. [They help him up] Now I'll need a sword
eventually.
Inigo: Why? You can't even
lift one.
Wesley: True, but that's hardly
common knowledge, is it? Thank you. [Inigo gives him a sword.]
Now, there may be problems once we're inside.
Inigo: I'll say. How do I
find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I
find you again, how do I escape?
Fezzik: Don't pester him, he's
had a hard day.
Inigo: Right, right....sorry.
Fezzik: Inigo?
Inigo: What?
Fezzik: I hope we win.
The Honeymoon Suite:
The Bride-to-be
[Inside the Castle]
Humperdinck: You don't seem excited
my little muffin.
Buttercup: Should I be?
Humperdinck: Brides often are,
I'm told.
Buttercup: I do not marry tonight.
My Wesley will save me. [Buttercup leaves]
The Chapel:
The Marriage
[In the chapel: Music blares. Humperdinck
and Buttercup stand before a clergyman. The clergyman has a speech impediment.]
Clergyman: Mawwiage. Mawwiage
is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement,
that dweam within a dweam...
[From outside, the voice of Yellin is heard]
Yellin: Stand your ground, men!
Stand your ground! Stand your ground!
The Courtyard:
The Dread Pirate Roberts
[Fezzik is dressed in the black cloak, and being
pushed from behind in the Wheelbarrow. He now looks enormous and
fearsome!]
Fezzik: I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!
There will be no survivors!
Inigo: Now?
Wesley: Not yet.
Fezzik: My men are here!
I am here! ... but soon you will not be here!
Inigo: [barely holding up Fezzik]
Now?!
Wesley: Light him! [They
light Fezzik's robe with a torch]
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts
takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares have but to come true!
[Most of the gate guards scatter in all directions]
The Chapel:
The Love
[Inside]
Clergyman: Then wove, twue wove,
will follow you fowever...
The Courtyard:
The Soul
[Outside]
Fezzik: The Dread Pirate Roberts
is here for your soul! [Yellin yells for the guards to fight.
The rest run.]
The Chapel:
The Ring
[Inside]
Clergyman: So tweasure youw...
Humperdinck: [interrupting]
Skip to the end!
Clergyman: Have you the wing?
Buttercup: Here comes my Wesley
now.
The Courtyard:
The Portcullis
[Outside]
[Fezzik has removed the robe and all the
guards except Yellin have fled.]
Wesley: Fezzik, the portcullis!
[Fezzik lifts the portcullis with some trouble]
The Chapel:
The Fear
[Inside]
Humperdinck: Your Wesley is dead.
I killed him myself.
Buttercup: Then why is there fear
behind your eyes.
The Courtyard:
The Gate Key
[Outside]
Wesley: [to Yellin]
Give us the gate key.
Yellin: I have no gate key.
Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
Yellin: Oh, you mean this gate
key. [Yellin hands over the key]
The Chapel:
The Man and Wife
[Inside]
Clergyman: Do you Pwincess Buttecwup...
Humperdinck: [annoyed] Man
and wife! Say man and wife!
Clergyman: Man and Wife.
Humperdinck: Escort the bride to
the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.
Buttercup: He didn't come...
The Chase:
The Hallway
[Fezzik, Inigo and Wesley are in the castle.
Fezzik is holding up Wesley. Inigo, leading the way, meets with Count
Rugen and four of his guards.]
Count Rugen: Kill the dark one
and the giant but leave the third for questioning.
[The guards try to rush by Inigo, but are
no match for his brilliant swordsmanship. Inigo slays all four.
Only Count Rugen remains.]
Inigo: Hello, my name is Inigo
Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
The Chase:
The Door
[Just as Inigo and the Count prepare to duel,
the Count turns around and runs away. Inigo chases after Count Rugen,
who locks one of the doors behind him. Inigo is not strong
enough to break through.]
Inigo: Fezzik! I need you!
Fezzik: I can't leave him [Wesley]
alone!
Inigo: He's getting away from me
Fezzik! Please!! Fezzik!
Fezzik: [to Wesley]
I'll be right back. [Fezzik goes and knocks the door down easily]
Inigo: Thank you.
The Honeymoon Suite:
The King is Kissed
[The King and Queen escort Buttercup from the
chapel.]
King: Strange wedding...
Queen: Yes, a very strange wedding.
Come along. [The Queen exits]
King: [Buttercup kisses him
on the forehead] What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you've always
been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself
once we reach the honeymoon suite.
King: [happily] Won't
that be nice...she kissed me! [He giggles]
The Chase:
The Dagger is Thrown
[Count Rugen eventually runs into a dead end.
Inigo is still giving chase. The Count removes a dagger from boot and surprises
Inigo with it. Rugen throws it and stabs Inigo in the stomach.]
Inigo: [falling to his knees]
Sorry father, I tried.
Count Rugen: You must be that little
Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible.
You've been tracking me your whole life, only to fail now? I think
that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous.
The Honeymoon Suite:
The Perfect Breasts
[In the Honeymoon suite, Buttercup is preparing
to kill herself with a knife. Unbeknownst to her, Wesley lies on
her bed.]
Wesley: There's a shortage of perfect
breasts in this world. It would be a pity to damage yours.
Buttercup: Wesley! Oh, Wesley
darling! [she kisses him all over] Wesley, why
won't you hold me?
Wesley: Gently... [Wesley
has almost no strength.]
Buttercup: At a time like this,
that is all you can think to say? Gently?
Wesley: Gently... [Buttercup
accidentally bangs Wesley's head on the head-board of the bed]
The Chase:
The Count's Last Stand
[The scene is back to Inigo and Count Rugen.
Inigo pulls the dagger from his stomach and tries to stand.]
Count Rugen: Good heavens...are
you still trying to win? You've got an over-developed sense of vengeance.
It's going to get you into trouble someday. [Rugen tries to slash Inigo
through the heart, but Inigo blocks the attack. Rugen only stabs
his arms.]
Inigo: Hello, my name is Inigo
Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. [Inigo still
stumbles and holds his stomach. The Count and Inigo exchange attacks.]
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare
to die. [Inigo gains strength. He fiercely lunges at Count Rugen.
Yelling] Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my
father! Prepare to die!
Count Rugen: [frightened and
angry] Stop saying that! [Inigo nips Rugen]
Inigo: [enraged] Hello,
my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to
die! [Inigo corners Count Rugen and slashes his cheek] Offer
me money! [He slashes his other cheek]
Count Rugen: All that I have and
more. Please...
Inigo: Offer me anything I ask
for.
Count Rugen: Anything you want...
[Count Rugen tries a quick move on Inigo]
Inigo: [plunging his sword into
Rugen's chest] I want my father back, you son of a bitch!
[Count Rugen falls to the floor, dead. Inigo runs off to find
Wesley.]
The Honeymoon Suite:
The Hideous Sin
[The Honeymoon suite]
Buttercup: Oh, Wesley, will you
ever forgive me?
Wesley: What hideous sin have you
committed lately?
Buttercup: I got married.
I didn't want to. It all happened so fast.
Wesley: It never happened.
Buttercup: What?
Wesley: It never happened.
Buttercup: But it did! I
was there...this old man said man and wife.
Wesley: Did you say I do?
Buttercup: Uh...no. We sort
of skipped that part.
Wesley: Then you're not married.
You didn't say it. You didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, your
highness?
The Honeymoon Suite:
The Pain
Humperdinck: [standing in the doorway]
A technicality that will shortly be remedied...but first things first..
[He draws his sword] To the death!
Wesley: [slowly sitting up]
No! To the pain!
Humperdinck: I don't think I'm
quite familiar with that phrase?
Wesley: I'll explain, and I'll
use small words so that you'll be sure to understand. You warthog-faced-buffoon!
Humperdinck: [insulted]
That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Wesley: It won't be the last.
To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your your feet below
the ankles, then your hands at your wrists. Next, your nose.
Humperdinck: Then my tongue, I
suppose? I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't
mean to duplicate tonight.
Wesley: I wasn't finished!
The next thing you lose will be your left eye followed by your right!
Humperdinck: And then my ears...I
understand! Let's get on with it!
Wesley: Wrong! Your ears
you keep, and I'll tell you why; so that every shriek of every child
at seeing your hideousness is yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps
at your approach, every woman that cries out, 'dear god what is that thing!'
will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means.
It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Humperdinck: I think you're bluffing.
Wesley: It's possible, pig.
I might be bluffing. It's conceivable you miserable vomitous mass,
I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps
I have the strength to stand after all. [Slowly, Wesley stands, his
sword pointed at Humperdinck's chest.] Drop... your... sword. [Humperdinck
throws his sword to the ground] Now have a seat. Tie him up.
Make it as tight as you like.
The Honeymoon Suite:
The Bluff is Discovered
[Buttercup ties up Humperdinck. Just then,
Inigo comes in]
Inigo: Where's Fezzik?
Wesley: I thought he was with you?
In that case...[Wesley starts to move then almost fall over.]
Inigo: [to Buttercup]
Help him.
Buttercup: Why does Wesley need
helping?
Inigo: Because he has no strength.
Humperdinck: I knew it! I
knew you were bluffing! [Inigo points his sword at him] I
knew he was...bluffing.
Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for
you?
Wesley: Thank you, but no.
Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life, alone with his
cowardice.
The Honeymoon Suite:
The Four White Horses
Fezzik: [from outside the window]
Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? [Inigo runs to the window]
Oh...there you are. Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they
were four white horses. And I thought there are four of us, if we
ever find the lady. [Buttercup and Wesley run to the window to see Fezzik
on a horse] Hello lady! So I took them with me in case
we ever bumped into each other. But I guess we just did.
Inigo: Fezzik, you did something
right.
Fezzik: Don't worry, I won't let
it go to my head.
The Honeymoon Suite:
The Jump
[Buttercup jumps out of the window and is caught
by Fezzik]
The Honeymoon Suite:
The Window Talk
Inigo: You know, it's very strange.
I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over I don't
know what to do with the rest of my life.
Wesley: Have you ever considered
piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts. [Both
leave.]
The End:
The Ride to Freedom
Narrator: They rode to freedom.
As dawn arose, Wesley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of
love swept over them. And as they reached for each other...
The Bedroom:
The 2nd Explanation
Kid: What?! What?!
Grandfather: Naah, it's kissing
again. You don't want to hear that.
Kid: Well...I don't mind so much.
Grandfather: Okay.
The End:
The Kiss
Narrator: Since the invention of the
kiss, there had been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the
most pure. This one left them all behind. THE END.
The Bedroom:
The Conclusion
Grandfather: Now, I think you ought
to go to sleep.
Kid: Okay...
Grandfather: [searching his
pockets, making sure he forgot nothing] Okay... okay... okay...alright...shalom.
Kid: Grandpa. Maybe you could
come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
Grandfather: As you wish.
The Cast
| Grandson [Kid] |
FRED SAVAGE |
| Grandfather |
PETER FALK |
| Buttercup |
ROBIN WRIGHT |
| Wesley |
CARY ELWES |
| Fezzik |
ANDRE THE GIANT |
| Inigo Montoya |
MANDY PATINKIN |
| Vizzini |
WALLACE SHAWN |
| Prince Humperdinck |
CHRIS SARANDON |
| Count Rugen |
CHRISTOPHER GUEST |
| Albino |
MEL SMITH |
| Old woman (BOOER) |
MARGERY MASON |
| Miracle Max |
BILLY CRYSTAL |
| Valerie |
CAROL KANE |
| Impressive Clergyman |
PETER COOK |
| King |
WILLOUGHBY GRAY |
| Queen |
ANNE DYSAN |
| Asst. Brute |
PAUL BADGER |
| Mother |
BETSY BRANTLEY |
| Yellin |
MALCOLM STORRY |